Comment from Jasmine Girl

Excellent

The introduction of supernatural elements adds an intriguing layer to the story, leaving readers eager to uncover the mysteries lurking within the mansion's walls. With its haunting imagery and eerie atmosphere, this chapter sets the stage for a tale of secrets, betrayal, and the lingering specters of the past.

Well done.

 Comment Written 12-Apr-2024

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2024

Thank you so much. I've been struggling with the editing but it is what it is. Thanks for the kind review.
Smiles, Carol

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

You have a really good action-packed chapter here, but you need a rewrite and turn it into active not passive. Use really strong verbs to describe the action. Please don't be upset. This is good.

Madeline sighed, "I need to rest." (sighed.)

You used like, sounding like a few times. I would choose stronger verbs and not use 'like' . I would be a much stronger read.)

Silent as a whisper, he approached her bedside, (a whisper isn't silent.

His laughter was shrill and piercing. (passive, make it active, omit the 'was' use stronger verbs)

but the memories would haunt her tonight. (again passive, memories haunted her tonight)

His voice was suddenly familiar. (passive, His voice familiar.)


Her legs were wobbly with fear, and her body went cold with dread as (Her legs wobbled with fear and her body cold with dread.)

I'm not making many more corrections. I think you understand what is needed.

 Comment Written 12-Apr-2024

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reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024

Good morning, Barbara.... Writing about ghosts and such has proven far more difficult that I ever thought. Took me forever to write the next chapter and I wasn't satisfied with it. Don't think there will be any more ghost stories for me when this one is done. I appreciate your help and I will go back and try to rewrite the chapter later. Please know that I always give the "teacher" the upper hand over any knowledge I have.
Smiles, Carol

Comment from BethShelby

Excellent

If she survives the night, I would Madeline would be ready to get as far as possible from that place by morning. I should probably stop asking question and just see if they will be answered in time. You story is very entertaining.

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 Comment Written 12-Apr-2024

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reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024

I agree... If I was Madeline, I would be gone and never heard from again, but I don't know whether she can be trusted.... the treasure might still hold it's lure. Guess we wait and see.
Have a great day!
Smiles, Carol

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

This is the first time entering this book and it seems more horror than crime fiction but it probably had the crime before. I guess here the dead are seeking justice and somehow that housekeeper seems to be in on it. Great descriptions and dialogue.

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 Comment Written 12-Apr-2024

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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2024

I'll give you a brief synopsis to catch you up since you are jumping in in the worse possible spot. Actually, you might want to skip the next chapter because the ghosts are scaring Madeline to death for her crimes in the past.

Sandra is a fledgling crime reporter who has inherited the mansion and will have the duties of solving the crimes. Madeline is the widow of Noah....who she murdered in order to claim the mansion only to discover it had been willed to Sandra. The Judge, Ryan, and Benny are ghosts who currently inhabit the mansion with James and Lorrie. Madeline has also stolen a book, The Secret Life of Judge Parker" hoping to discover where his ill-gotten treasure is hidden inside the mansion.

Before the other crimes can be corrected, they need to get the book from Madeline and prove she killed Noah. Once that happens, the story will take on a totally different aspect. Not to give too much away, but the violence will be gone and correcting the past will begin.

Thanks for reading, Helen.
Smiles, Carol