Tunnel Busting
an experiment in phonetic flow21 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Hmm. Worms/Palestine. Good symbolism there. Worms with rights. Yep; I get that symbolism, too. Dismembering/slurping/ravaged by raptors. Pretty sure I see where this is going. It's easy to surmise how a robin becomes political. You betcha. Sure thing. Brilliant work here, Simian...
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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Hmm. Worms/Palestine. Good symbolism there. Worms with rights. Yep; I get that symbolism, too. Dismembering/slurping/ravaged by raptors. Pretty sure I see where this is going. It's easy to surmise how a robin becomes political. You betcha. Sure thing. Brilliant work here, Simian...
Comment Written 02-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2024
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Thank you very much. My first crack at a sonnet, which I did not expect to become political but it was inevitable : )
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Yes, everything but EVERYTHING is these days...and still seven unbearable months to go.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Yep, the ending is a bit of a shock after the pleasant enough description of a meadow scene to begin with, but perhaps the dismemberment and ravishment may have served as some sort of foreshadowing of the statement in the couplet where the title takes on a new and disturbing meaning.
Excellent rhyme and meter and a grand flourish of alliteration to boot. Well done.
Steve
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Yep, the ending is a bit of a shock after the pleasant enough description of a meadow scene to begin with, but perhaps the dismemberment and ravishment may have served as some sort of foreshadowing of the statement in the couplet where the title takes on a new and disturbing meaning.
Excellent rhyme and meter and a grand flourish of alliteration to boot. Well done.
Steve
Comment Written 02-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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It worked out. I find that the most interesting pieces are discovered along the way while writing, rather than premeditated. This process doesn't always result in the best ratings though, haha. Thank you for the kind words Steve.
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Comment from Dolly'sPoems
The early bird catches the worm and there is an alternative meaning here as innocents are caught out by an early invasion. The difference is that the bird has to eat, and we are guilty of eating animals. But it is not necessary to destroy a country with bombs for selfish greed. An interesting sonnet, good metre and rhyme with a very different and unusual theme. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x x x
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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The early bird catches the worm and there is an alternative meaning here as innocents are caught out by an early invasion. The difference is that the bird has to eat, and we are guilty of eating animals. But it is not necessary to destroy a country with bombs for selfish greed. An interesting sonnet, good metre and rhyme with a very different and unusual theme. Good luck with the contest, love Dolly x x x
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Great observations Dolly. From the worm perspective, they were there first, and they just want to do their thing in peace. From the bird perspective, they're the chosen species, and the lawn is their promised land.
There was a really good computer game called Worms Armageddon I used to play with my brothers, where the worms were heavily armed. But they were not fighting birds, just one another. That might be exactly what happened if they managed to free themselves from the birds...
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Comment from QC Poet
Isn't it interesting how thoughts of something seen in nature can be overcome by our mind having seen or heard like a plane dive bombing when we see a bird in nature performing its similar function. Thanks for sharing your thought stream and point of view
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Isn't it interesting how thoughts of something seen in nature can be overcome by our mind having seen or heard like a plane dive bombing when we see a bird in nature performing its similar function. Thanks for sharing your thought stream and point of view
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thank you QC. The political issue in Palestine is pretty complicated so I appreciate both sides of it.
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Comment from Mark Jackson
I like it, it's great. I do like the way it evolves into something that it wasn't when you started. I do love a stream of consciousness. Not really sure what you mean by phonic flow, if you are referring to alteration that I did enjoy. I am unconvinced by your use of punctuation, it did not take much away from my enjoyment but did not add much either (slight confusion). Really good read though.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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I like it, it's great. I do like the way it evolves into something that it wasn't when you started. I do love a stream of consciousness. Not really sure what you mean by phonic flow, if you are referring to alteration that I did enjoy. I am unconvinced by your use of punctuation, it did not take much away from my enjoyment but did not add much either (slight confusion). Really good read though.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2024
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Mark, I appreciate this input and I've removed the punctuation at the end of each line to simplify this piece. Thanks a bunch.
SS
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your welcome.
Comment from Janet Foor
This is quite an experiment in phonic flow you have written with subtle and then not so subtle overtones and undertones.
Loved the alliteration throughout.
Well done and good luck.
Blessings
Janet
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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This is quite an experiment in phonic flow you have written with subtle and then not so subtle overtones and undertones.
Loved the alliteration throughout.
Well done and good luck.
Blessings
Janet
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thanks Janet, much appreciated!
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Comment from hullabaloo22
OK, to be honest the last two lines came as quite a surprise after reading about the birds and the earthworms. Then I took a moment to think about it and it made perfect sense, especially considering the title.
Excellent word work!
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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OK, to be honest the last two lines came as quite a surprise after reading about the birds and the earthworms. Then I took a moment to think about it and it made perfect sense, especially considering the title.
Excellent word work!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2024
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Thank you very much, Hulla!
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Comment from Treischel
A well written Sonnet with subtle tones toward the conflict in Israel. I like the metaphor of the sound echoing through the meadow mist of the early bird dismembering every part. The worms in the tunnel are compelling. Good use of alliteration - wow (meadow mist, slurp and swallow, magic meadow music melts my mind, ravished reddened raptor, flooded force, when wiggly worms win, ban birds bombing). You revels the real theme at the end. The rhyming was good. Meter was iambic. ''Tis a sonnet. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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A well written Sonnet with subtle tones toward the conflict in Israel. I like the metaphor of the sound echoing through the meadow mist of the early bird dismembering every part. The worms in the tunnel are compelling. Good use of alliteration - wow (meadow mist, slurp and swallow, magic meadow music melts my mind, ravished reddened raptor, flooded force, when wiggly worms win, ban birds bombing). You revels the real theme at the end. The rhyming was good. Meter was iambic. ''Tis a sonnet. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2024
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Thanks very much Treischel! First sonnet I have written in quite a while, and I appreciate the vote of confidence and that you picked up on all the details. This took a lot of time to do so not sure I will be doing a lot more of them, but it's a good concept.
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Comment from barbara.wilkey
I see you preferred 'avoid taking partisan positions' but I did catch a few metaphors in this sonnet. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it. LOL Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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I see you preferred 'avoid taking partisan positions' but I did catch a few metaphors in this sonnet. Maybe it's just me, but I doubt it. LOL Thank you for sharing this contest entry with us.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Thanks Barbara -- yeah the metaphors are definitely there! It's just that I noticed the metaphors only towards the end of writing this, so it wasn't a premeditated idea... unlike the 6+ pieces I have written making fun of fundamentalist Islam, hahaha (see below).
Mohammed Robot
Amazing Grace
Cleaning Service
Return to the Dark Side, Jarjar Mohammed Lucas (III) and
A Cause for Celebration (V)
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Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your poem was both thought-provoking and interesting. I loved the scenes of the robin hunting worms. The final line was a bit of stretch as it came out of nowhere. But overall this was a well written and enjoyable poem.
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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Your poem was both thought-provoking and interesting. I loved the scenes of the robin hunting worms. The final line was a bit of stretch as it came out of nowhere. But overall this was a well written and enjoyable poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2024
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Thanks Michael! The final line was meant to convey a double meaning, but maybe I didn't quite stick the landing. I'll take a look and see if there's a way I can make it smoother.
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