The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Unwilling Heir - 3"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
17 total reviews
Comment from karenina
There you are! This chapter has much better pacing, delightful details deftly delivered, and concentrating on basically one character provides some insight as to what the frenetic first chapters were leading to. You're no quitter. Nor should you be! You're trying out an entirely new (multi-layered) genre and it's going to take a minute to figure it out. Chapter three is full of that frisson of anticipation you're so adept at. I hope you continue... I suspect as you progress, you'll find a way to rework chapters one and two in a way that will become clearer for you.
Karenina
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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There you are! This chapter has much better pacing, delightful details deftly delivered, and concentrating on basically one character provides some insight as to what the frenetic first chapters were leading to. You're no quitter. Nor should you be! You're trying out an entirely new (multi-layered) genre and it's going to take a minute to figure it out. Chapter three is full of that frisson of anticipation you're so adept at. I hope you continue... I suspect as you progress, you'll find a way to rework chapters one and two in a way that will become clearer for you.
Karenina
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Tears! I am such a sap! Thank you so much for kicking me in the butt and getting my head back on straight. You're good for me even when I don't like it. LOL
Love ya, Carol
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We're all protective of our "babies" ...LOL. I SO get it!
Looks like the train is on the right track and I've punched my ticket for the whole journey!
:)
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I just want to get out of here tomorrow morning and leave some people far behind. Things were going so smoothly and I wasn't prepared ...my fault. I shouldn't have let my guard down. But I'm good... well as good as I can at the moment. Always know that you had the right and should always tell me what you think...how else would I know.
Thanks! Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Send it to me in email I will look over what you have and send you ideas. I think you are just wiped out from the novel. Write some poems or jokes or a children's story. flash fiction. I will send you my story I did not like the ending of and you can tell me what you think.people wanted me to make it a novel.
Take it easy . I bet you win. Karen
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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Send it to me in email I will look over what you have and send you ideas. I think you are just wiped out from the novel. Write some poems or jokes or a children's story. flash fiction. I will send you my story I did not like the ending of and you can tell me what you think.people wanted me to make it a novel.
Take it easy . I bet you win. Karen
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Mark down! Oh my, you really must not like the third chapter and I thought that was the best of the three. Sorry about that! What would you change about it?
Smiles, Carol
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If you want me to truly go over it email me the story. It doesn't even seem written by you. Or, it seems like a story from when you were first beginning. You said to critique you honestly.This is a horror story. So it needs a slow build, It feels you started writing at chapter six. You are a very good writer, but there are basic rules to any type of story. A foundation must first be built. In a horror story, The heroines back story is all important. It is the first hurdle. Here we know nothing. Then, we are introduced to her best friend or mentor. So, we know what kind of support system she has. Etc. Karen :-)
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Sorry...I am leaving on vacation so I won't be redoing the story until I get back. Thank you. It actually is a mystery with some humorous ghosts...no horror. I appreciate your thoughts and time.
See you later.
Carol
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Be careful out there. Get your well deserved rest. Karen
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thank you
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have a great story on your hands and it's all starting to come together. If you believe in this story, I do, then please don't shelve it. If you need to take a short break, okay, but then go back to it.
Sandra sighed. "I'm not sure (sighed.)
I'll bring you back cannoli," she winked. (cannoli." She)
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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You have a great story on your hands and it's all starting to come together. If you believe in this story, I do, then please don't shelve it. If you need to take a short break, okay, but then go back to it.
Sandra sighed. "I'm not sure (sighed.)
I'll bring you back cannoli," she winked. (cannoli." She)
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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I think I do! I knew I would struggle because I've never written with ghosts or added humor, but I wanted to try. I got several that said it was moving too fast and I guess (because of other things) I doubted myself and the story. Thanks so much.
Smiles, Carol
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Don't doubt yourself.
Comment from eliz100
This is an excellent chapter. However, I am a little confused about the blue parts. It seems that some of her thoughts are blue, but not others. I had to reread the beginning. Have a blessed day.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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This is an excellent chapter. However, I am a little confused about the blue parts. It seems that some of her thoughts are blue, but not others. I had to reread the beginning. Have a blessed day.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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My fault...I will go back and fix. I've been in tears and no sleep and I'm screwed up. Duh!!! Thanks for reading and letting me know.
Smiles, Carol
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Hang in there what does not kill you makes youbetter, So they say. I willkept you in my prayers.
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Thank you!
Comment from Julie Helms
I thought the pacing in this chapter was excellent. I really don't think you should shelve this. I personally would rework the first two chapters to slow down and/or clarify what you want known by the reader at that point.
hold-up (holdup)
I'll bring you back cannoli," she winked. (cannoli." She winked)
Standing inside 1422 Marion, (I recommend giving a brief description of what the building looks like, even just a sentence. I had nothing to picture in my mind, until the elevator and we went upstairs and saw the hallway.)
So, Judge Parker, someone put a bullet hole through your chest, and you're dead. Why? Were they looking for something? And who's the man impersonating you? (Change in POV, italicize thoughts)
((The Secret Life of Judge Parker)). Now we're getting somewhere.
(If you need to italicize something that is already in italics, just use regular print.)
Judge William Parker is liked by many, it appears, yet the book says something totally different about you....
(Italicize)
The sun was gone, and so was her carefree mood (no comma)
She couldn't stop thinking about ((the judge)) and the strange events of the past few days that had turned her world upside down. [...]
She stopped and turned back toward ((the Judge's)) building.
(Inconsistency in capping judge. I noticed it in other places too. Technically it should not be capitalized if it does not proceed his name. Example:
"President Biden will address the nation today. The president plans to speak for 15 minutes."
but there is some leeway in personal choice. But whatever you choose, stick with it.)
Was that footsteps? (Were those footsteps? Italics)
She didn't see anyone, but she quickened her steps until she neared her office. (No cannoli?)
Keep going!! Your fans love you. :-)
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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I thought the pacing in this chapter was excellent. I really don't think you should shelve this. I personally would rework the first two chapters to slow down and/or clarify what you want known by the reader at that point.
hold-up (holdup)
I'll bring you back cannoli," she winked. (cannoli." She winked)
Standing inside 1422 Marion, (I recommend giving a brief description of what the building looks like, even just a sentence. I had nothing to picture in my mind, until the elevator and we went upstairs and saw the hallway.)
So, Judge Parker, someone put a bullet hole through your chest, and you're dead. Why? Were they looking for something? And who's the man impersonating you? (Change in POV, italicize thoughts)
((The Secret Life of Judge Parker)). Now we're getting somewhere.
(If you need to italicize something that is already in italics, just use regular print.)
Judge William Parker is liked by many, it appears, yet the book says something totally different about you....
(Italicize)
The sun was gone, and so was her carefree mood (no comma)
She couldn't stop thinking about ((the judge)) and the strange events of the past few days that had turned her world upside down. [...]
She stopped and turned back toward ((the Judge's)) building.
(Inconsistency in capping judge. I noticed it in other places too. Technically it should not be capitalized if it does not proceed his name. Example:
"President Biden will address the nation today. The president plans to speak for 15 minutes."
but there is some leeway in personal choice. But whatever you choose, stick with it.)
Was that footsteps? (Were those footsteps? Italics)
She didn't see anyone, but she quickened her steps until she neared her office. (No cannoli?)
Keep going!! Your fans love you. :-)
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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She bought the cannoli. It is a quick sentence or two. I hope I caught everything else. Thank you!
You suggested I rework the first two chapters to slow it down. Suggestions?
Thanks....Smiles, Carol
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For now, keep moving forward. Then at the end would be a good time to reevaluate what could be altered. You don't want to lose your momentum.
Comment from BethShelby
I see you haven't shelved it yet. I'm glad. The widow seem to know her husband had left the house to Sandra. James and Lorrie the housekeeper seemed to know as well. Usually a will isn't read until after the funeral. How is these people, and is there a legal document to prove it?
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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I see you haven't shelved it yet. I'm glad. The widow seem to know her husband had left the house to Sandra. James and Lorrie the housekeeper seemed to know as well. Usually a will isn't read until after the funeral. How is these people, and is there a legal document to prove it?
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Yes...it will be explained in the next chapter. I have six chapters written and it appears there is interest in the story. I'll see if it continues before I stop writing. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Wow, this is creepy! Your chapter is well structured as the reader is led in with your precis of the cemetery experience and then ends with Sandra's brave but very unsettled and haunting sense of danger. I warm to her instantly. She's determined to get to the bottom of the inheritance but, then, in the process, is faced with another troubling mystery. This is excellent and has me engaged in the plot already (apologies for my inconsistent reviewing). Apart from "A panel was (ajar) - one word, otherwise the panel has a dual purpose:)) the prose is error-free. Well done! Take care Debbie
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reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Wow, this is creepy! Your chapter is well structured as the reader is led in with your precis of the cemetery experience and then ends with Sandra's brave but very unsettled and haunting sense of danger. I warm to her instantly. She's determined to get to the bottom of the inheritance but, then, in the process, is faced with another troubling mystery. This is excellent and has me engaged in the plot already (apologies for my inconsistent reviewing). Apart from "A panel was (ajar) - one word, otherwise the panel has a dual purpose:)) the prose is error-free. Well done! Take care Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2024
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Thank you so much Debbie... I am on the verge of shelving the story because it seemed readers didn't get the idea of what was going on.... you have relieved a bit of my tension. Thank you so much. Error is fixed....thanks!
Smiles, Carol