Return To Concorde Valley
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Lunch with a King"Fantasy based on the intersection of two worlds.
21 total reviews
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a good chapter as Echo gets more involved with Theo's family over a meal. They certainly have a laid-back lifestyle as they have a food fight just for fun and then clean up the mess. A few extra letters: You're most(ly) likely . . .
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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This is a good chapter as Echo gets more involved with Theo's family over a meal. They certainly have a laid-back lifestyle as they have a food fight just for fun and then clean up the mess. A few extra letters: You're most(ly) likely . . .
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Hi Carol!! Thank you for stopping by to review, my friend. This chapter was a bit of lightheartedness before they start the intense stuff again. It's also a way of character building.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Daylily
What a fun chapter...so joyful. I also like the garden setting. I have dabbled at gardening in the past but not for many years. Now, I would rather spend time typing at the computer. I am looking forward to reading more of this wonderful story!
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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What a fun chapter...so joyful. I also like the garden setting. I have dabbled at gardening in the past but not for many years. Now, I would rather spend time typing at the computer. I am looking forward to reading more of this wonderful story!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Hi Lily,
I like to garden, too, and so had to add something in about them. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Funny how being on this site becomes a huge part of what we choose to spend out time on, lol.
Thanks for taking time to review,
Rhonda
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
What a lovely, playful chapter in which we get to know more of the family, their background and the love and enjoyment they share in each other's company. Once again, we see the importance of the garden in this world and the magical properties contained within it that cross over into and enhance the lives of the family. Small edit: dialogue starting: "She must be special.... They must be (be) terribly worried." Well done, Rhonda! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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What a lovely, playful chapter in which we get to know more of the family, their background and the love and enjoyment they share in each other's company. Once again, we see the importance of the garden in this world and the magical properties contained within it that cross over into and enhance the lives of the family. Small edit: dialogue starting: "She must be special.... They must be (be) terribly worried." Well done, Rhonda! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2024
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Hi Debbie!!
Thank you so much for reviewing and giving your perspective! Thank you, as well, for finding the spag. They are so hard to find on your own.
I'm glad you liked the garden!! One of my favorite parts.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda------glad Echo's family was told that she's safe. And the family food fight should give Uncle Dathous plenty of business for his struggling magic dry cleaning business, although he's not talked about a lot, the black sheep of the family!
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda------glad Echo's family was told that she's safe. And the family food fight should give Uncle Dathous plenty of business for his struggling magic dry cleaning business, although he's not talked about a lot, the black sheep of the family!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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lol, you can always bring the fun to the party!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, what a delightful chapter this is. Echo has so much to learn, and to assimilate, but she's doing fine. I loved the scene with the food fight. That was really funny. I'm so glad you found the time to post this week. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi Rhonda, what a delightful chapter this is. Echo has so much to learn, and to assimilate, but she's doing fine. I loved the scene with the food fight. That was really funny. I'm so glad you found the time to post this week. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi, Ulla! Thank you so much for the 6 stars and for the comments. I especially thank you for understanding about my time. I feel so bad how far I get behind. You?re the best!
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This was a fun post and I know it's important for Echo to see the side of the family that isn't royal. She needs to know they have fun. I really like this story and look forward to your posts.
Helen a child she has just met, nailed her on her shoulder with a bread stick. (comma after 'Helen')
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reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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This was a fun post and I know it's important for Echo to see the side of the family that isn't royal. She needs to know they have fun. I really like this story and look forward to your posts.
Helen a child she has just met, nailed her on her shoulder with a bread stick. (comma after 'Helen')
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the review, Barbara, and for finding the missing comma!
Take care,
Rhonda
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LOL, missing commas happen to all of us.
Comment from Faith Williams
Another excellent chapter, Rhonda. I really liked the quotes about the garden. Describing the garden as a 'living work of art' is an apt and beautiful statement. You painted a vivid picture with the image of a 'small child snuggled in the embrace of a loving adult'. And then there's the idea that gardens are 'good places to retreat to when the world overwhelms you'. Again, I so resonate with this thought as well as the idea of nature as magic. Nature certainly weaves a spell over me.
I also like how you bring out Hannah's personality. And the food fight was genius. It made me laugh.
Suggestions to consider:
"Goergios called him in for duty... " A simple typo of Georgios's name.
The phrase 'for a moment' is used several times in this chapter. I think the majority of them are unnecessary given the rest of the narration.
For example, in this sentence, 'For a moment, there was a comfortable silence as everyone tucked into the delicious meal Dianatha had prepared.' I think you could delete that beginning phrase. So, I suggest reading through and making adjustments.
In this section, Hannah looks up twice. Maybe delete it from this first sentence? Also, maybe switch out the second one for a stronger verb: 'focused on Echo'. A stronger verb could further hit the point of ignoring the looks of the parents.
After a bit, Hannah looked up and cleared her throat.
"Beautiful gardens aren't the only things Concorde Valley is famous for," she said. Large gray eyes accented fair skin and rosy cheeks, giving her the appearance of an innocent, fair haired kitten.
"Really, what else is there?" Echo asked. She smiled at the seven-year-old, ignoring the dark looks of her parents.
Hannah stopped twirling the food in her plate and looked up. She seemed to be ignoring their looks as well. "How do you like the weather here?"
In this next part, there is some filtering. (I just got back some feedback from a different site, and I had this issue too.)
"Blossom," Diantha said. (Echo could hear giggles) around the table. "My own name came from the flower Dianthus," the queen continued. "I asked Phoebus to give him a strong name that had something to do with flowers. I mean, there are gardens everywhere here. It seemed fitting at the time."
(Echo heard more giggles.)
The parts in parentheses are what I am focused on. POV is already established so you can just write what Echo saw or heard. So, instead of 'Echo heard giggles around the table', maybe, 'Giggles erupted around the table.' And for the second, you wouldn't necessarily need to make it a complete sentence, 'More giggles.' or if you want a complete sentence, 'More giggling followed.' Or, 'The giggles grew louder.'
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Dear," she said. "Are those your good clothes?" In this sentence, I'm not sure 'dear' needs to be capitalized. I'm behind on chapters, so it will depend on whether she always uses this term of endearment to refer to him. Also, maybe add another layer here by having her perform an action. Does she bring her hand to her mouth, her chest as she's talking?
'Helen a child she has just met, nailed her on her shoulder with a bread stick.' In this sentence, I think you need a comma following 'Helen'. I also wonder a little bit about what was served at this meal: was it a typical spaghetti dinner? If so, the potato seems a bit out of place.
'A deep smile welled up inside Echo's heart and spread onto her face.' I love this sentence, Rhonda. It paints a heart-warming picture.
I can't wait to read what happens next!
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Another excellent chapter, Rhonda. I really liked the quotes about the garden. Describing the garden as a 'living work of art' is an apt and beautiful statement. You painted a vivid picture with the image of a 'small child snuggled in the embrace of a loving adult'. And then there's the idea that gardens are 'good places to retreat to when the world overwhelms you'. Again, I so resonate with this thought as well as the idea of nature as magic. Nature certainly weaves a spell over me.
I also like how you bring out Hannah's personality. And the food fight was genius. It made me laugh.
Suggestions to consider:
"Goergios called him in for duty... " A simple typo of Georgios's name.
The phrase 'for a moment' is used several times in this chapter. I think the majority of them are unnecessary given the rest of the narration.
For example, in this sentence, 'For a moment, there was a comfortable silence as everyone tucked into the delicious meal Dianatha had prepared.' I think you could delete that beginning phrase. So, I suggest reading through and making adjustments.
In this section, Hannah looks up twice. Maybe delete it from this first sentence? Also, maybe switch out the second one for a stronger verb: 'focused on Echo'. A stronger verb could further hit the point of ignoring the looks of the parents.
After a bit, Hannah looked up and cleared her throat.
"Beautiful gardens aren't the only things Concorde Valley is famous for," she said. Large gray eyes accented fair skin and rosy cheeks, giving her the appearance of an innocent, fair haired kitten.
"Really, what else is there?" Echo asked. She smiled at the seven-year-old, ignoring the dark looks of her parents.
Hannah stopped twirling the food in her plate and looked up. She seemed to be ignoring their looks as well. "How do you like the weather here?"
In this next part, there is some filtering. (I just got back some feedback from a different site, and I had this issue too.)
"Blossom," Diantha said. (Echo could hear giggles) around the table. "My own name came from the flower Dianthus," the queen continued. "I asked Phoebus to give him a strong name that had something to do with flowers. I mean, there are gardens everywhere here. It seemed fitting at the time."
(Echo heard more giggles.)
The parts in parentheses are what I am focused on. POV is already established so you can just write what Echo saw or heard. So, instead of 'Echo heard giggles around the table', maybe, 'Giggles erupted around the table.' And for the second, you wouldn't necessarily need to make it a complete sentence, 'More giggles.' or if you want a complete sentence, 'More giggling followed.' Or, 'The giggles grew louder.'
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Dear," she said. "Are those your good clothes?" In this sentence, I'm not sure 'dear' needs to be capitalized. I'm behind on chapters, so it will depend on whether she always uses this term of endearment to refer to him. Also, maybe add another layer here by having her perform an action. Does she bring her hand to her mouth, her chest as she's talking?
'Helen a child she has just met, nailed her on her shoulder with a bread stick.' In this sentence, I think you need a comma following 'Helen'. I also wonder a little bit about what was served at this meal: was it a typical spaghetti dinner? If so, the potato seems a bit out of place.
'A deep smile welled up inside Echo's heart and spread onto her face.' I love this sentence, Rhonda. It paints a heart-warming picture.
I can't wait to read what happens next!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi Faith,
I can't thank you enough for the time you take to carefully review my chapters. You take it seriously, and that makes it invaluable. I know how much time it must take. You are a reviewer in the truest sense of the word.
I made the suggested changes, and thank you for the advice and careful eye.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was fun, Rhonda, although my father would have been appalled! Lol. He was brought up to 'mind his manners' and told us off when we played with our food. My mum was the opposite, she would secretely smile, but I always saw her.
I'm glad they changed Theo's name, this one suits him. I wouldn't mind being an immortal, what fun that could be. I enjoyed this chapter, my friend, well done!! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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That was fun, Rhonda, although my father would have been appalled! Lol. He was brought up to 'mind his manners' and told us off when we played with our food. My mum was the opposite, she would secretely smile, but I always saw her.
I'm glad they changed Theo's name, this one suits him. I wouldn't mind being an immortal, what fun that could be. I enjoyed this chapter, my friend, well done!! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi Sandra, thank you for the six stars, my friend, and for the comments. In my home, my father would probably have been the one to start it, and appall my mother, lol.
I appreciate your time and comments!!
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Sally Law
Oh, such a delightful, immortal royal family. The fooffight was a fun touch. Most every one was here except for Georgios. Secret mission to be revealed.
One small improvement and easily fixable.
Phoebus nodded in appreciation of her assessment. I've never had an experience equal to it." Add opening speech marks before I've.
Fantastic, my talented friend. Sending you my best today as always and love across the bridge,
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Oh, such a delightful, immortal royal family. The fooffight was a fun touch. Most every one was here except for Georgios. Secret mission to be revealed.
One small improvement and easily fixable.
Phoebus nodded in appreciation of her assessment. I've never had an experience equal to it." Add opening speech marks before I've.
Fantastic, my talented friend. Sending you my best today as always and love across the bridge,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi Sally,
Thanks so much for the 6 stars and for your exceptional comments! The strangest thing happened. I fell asleep editing it, then I messed up a lot of it. I've been known to do that before, especially when writing, but I had to go back, rewrite some of it and fix other parts. I'm surprised that's the only error you found!!!
Much love across the bridge, dear friend,
Rhonda
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You are most welcome and deserving, my friend. I have fallen asleep writing too, many, many times. Twice I posted without knowing. I about had a heart attack. I?ve never written so fast in my life trying to get the chapters ready. One had only one paragraph. Good grief! Your little mistake was nothing compared to the stuff I?ve done. Those little buttons?.
Love ya,
Sal xoxo
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Awww, thank you! I feel better now!
The first thing I did was check to make sure I hadn?t accidentally posted it!
Much love and warm feelings across the bridge!
😍💕💝🥰🤗
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I lead the way here so you can always count on me for great advice on screw ups. Hahaha. You did great though and one small thing is easily fixable. I usually have more than one with each book chapter. :))
Comment from BethShelby
This was a fun chapter. I would never have imagined a food fight would break out among the royalty., I've never witnessed a food fight. The only thing close is when we ate watermelons outside. We would squeeze the seed and shoot they at each other. My cousin and I had a rule of the seed stuck we couldn't remove until the game was over.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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This was a fun chapter. I would never have imagined a food fight would break out among the royalty., I've never witnessed a food fight. The only thing close is when we ate watermelons outside. We would squeeze the seed and shoot they at each other. My cousin and I had a rule of the seed stuck we couldn't remove until the game was over.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2024
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Hi Beth, thank you for the review!! I had a friend with 11 children. There were occasional food fights, and my friend, who was 15 when she had the first of them, would join in. Lol, I model a lot of the family scenes after her and hers.
It will get more serious soon, so wanted to start with a huge icebreaker.
Take care,
Rhonda