Brotherly Love
How far does love go?19 total reviews
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Ooooooh I don't like you anymore, I am in the same contest, and your story will beat mine! This is great.
I loved the twist, that is what I am known for, and I did not see this coming. Fantastic job here. Karen
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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Ooooooh I don't like you anymore, I am in the same contest, and your story will beat mine! This is great.
I loved the twist, that is what I am known for, and I did not see this coming. Fantastic job here. Karen
Comment Written 22-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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Wow. Thanks for the six stars. Not sure about beating you in the competition as yours is a good one. Perhaps if twists win competitions, we might stand a chance. Take care and have a great day.
Cheers
Barry.
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I am fond of irony and the slow twist. They are my stock and trade. :-) Karen
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Always stick to what you are good at.
Cheers
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I have tried to write a "straight" story with no humor and no turns. I was in misery.
I am having better luck with stretching my poetry. I found I could write poetry about any darn thing I wanted. It's lot just nature and longing looks.!
:-) Karen
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Ha Ha. You are a delight. I agree that most stories benefit from a twist. However, there are times when stories do not need anything but the power of the story. But yes, always more interesting with a twist.
Hope your day has been a good one.
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you are right I am much happier just sitting here and letting it flow. Karen
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
We would do whatever we could, for each other, in my family. We would talk each other out of bad decisions, though, but would be there for each other. IN THE PAST. Now that both of my parents have past, it's not the same, sadly. I enjoyed reviewing your creative story.
Best wishes,
Alex
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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We would do whatever we could, for each other, in my family. We would talk each other out of bad decisions, though, but would be there for each other. IN THE PAST. Now that both of my parents have past, it's not the same, sadly. I enjoyed reviewing your creative story.
Best wishes,
Alex
Comment Written 22-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2024
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Thanks Alex for the review. Glad you enjoyed the story.
Yes, the death of both parents can alter the dynamics of the family and past workings of the family unit. Hang in there. Time may just be the cure. Take care.
Cheers
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is great, Barry! And you had me absolutely absorbed in your story, wondering how this was going to end. Ray is certainly a cool customer and the smarter of the two and his organisation of his brother and the boys outside was very impressive. Do I assume that they too were paid in counterfeit notes! Just one minor edit: CCTV has a habit of changing to CTV. But this is an excellent entry for the contest! Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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This is great, Barry! And you had me absolutely absorbed in your story, wondering how this was going to end. Ray is certainly a cool customer and the smarter of the two and his organisation of his brother and the boys outside was very impressive. Do I assume that they too were paid in counterfeit notes! Just one minor edit: CCTV has a habit of changing to CTV. But this is an excellent entry for the contest! Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thanks Debbie for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read. As far as the boys go they were paid in real money. Unfortunately, I glossed over that but in hindsight I perhaps should clarify. Thanks for the tip on the CTV.
Keep writing and have a most wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Good story. well told.
Just a few glitches.
Probably school kids on a cookie selling run he thought. - You need a comma after 'run'. And I would hyphenate 'cookie-selling'.
"Sorry brother but there was an urgency. - It would read better with a comma after 'brother'.
"Have you locked all the doors Ray?" - Comma after 'doors'.
but I stayed too long Ray. - Comma after 'long'.
His mention of Uncle Junior had triggered the favourable response - It's unclear who 'His' is referrring to here.
but any would be thief - (would-be)
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Good story. well told.
Just a few glitches.
Probably school kids on a cookie selling run he thought. - You need a comma after 'run'. And I would hyphenate 'cookie-selling'.
"Sorry brother but there was an urgency. - It would read better with a comma after 'brother'.
"Have you locked all the doors Ray?" - Comma after 'doors'.
but I stayed too long Ray. - Comma after 'long'.
His mention of Uncle Junior had triggered the favourable response - It's unclear who 'His' is referrring to here.
but any would be thief - (would-be)
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Wayne,
Thanks for your review and I am so glad you enjoyed the read. Thanks also for your hints and corrections re punctuation etc. It really does make a difference.
Take care and have a great day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Well, that was an ending I didn't expect. I was thinking all along how lucky this guy was to have a rich brother.
The plan and the way it was carried out was perfect! I wish you much success with the contest, Barry! Best, JohnC
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Well, that was an ending I didn't expect. I was thinking all along how lucky this guy was to have a rich brother.
The plan and the way it was carried out was perfect! I wish you much success with the contest, Barry! Best, JohnC
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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John,
Thanks so much for your review. Glad you enjoyed it. Also glad you enjoyed the little twist at the end. Please take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold
Comment from Paul McFarland
You're going to have to write another story, Barry, for when Uncle Junior finds out the money is counterfeit. Ray will probably end up working for Uncle Junior.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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You're going to have to write another story, Barry, for when Uncle Junior finds out the money is counterfeit. Ray will probably end up working for Uncle Junior.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Paul,
thanks for the review and glad you enjoyed the read. Yes, I might do a follow up but Ray does such a good job I am sure Junior would not notice. Anyway, I hope you are well and the New Year brings you plenty of joy. Thanks again.
Regards
Barry
Comment from Jeano
Good story with a surprise ending. Cleaning up someone else's mess like this is risky. In my view, the poor kids turned out to be the innocent victims of the prank. I liked the story, kind of like a fairytale, they just bought some time.
In the dialogue, I think some contractions would make it sound more real. Just a couple of places gave me pause, like "wash" instead of shower. A couple of periods instead of ? All in all very entertaining.
Jeano
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Good story with a surprise ending. Cleaning up someone else's mess like this is risky. In my view, the poor kids turned out to be the innocent victims of the prank. I liked the story, kind of like a fairytale, they just bought some time.
In the dialogue, I think some contractions would make it sound more real. Just a couple of places gave me pause, like "wash" instead of shower. A couple of periods instead of ? All in all very entertaining.
Jeano
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Jeano,
Thanks for your kind review. Also your hints re improvement. Glad you enjoyed the read. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
Comment from patcelaw
I enjoyed listening to this very much, and I wish you the very best with all of your writing. To me, family is everything and there was no limit today amount of space I would go to protect my family. Patricia.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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I enjoyed listening to this very much, and I wish you the very best with all of your writing. To me, family is everything and there was no limit today amount of space I would go to protect my family. Patricia.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Patricia,
So glad you enjoyed the read. Thanks for taking the time to review. Yes, family is always worth protecting. Take care and have a wonderful day.
Cheers
Barry
Comment from Navada
Ha! The crook crooks got fleeced by a bigger crook! I love it! This is an interesting reflection on the theme of family and that blood is thicker than water, even when family members get themselves into dumb predicaments. :) Good luck for the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Ha! The crook crooks got fleeced by a bigger crook! I love it! This is an interesting reflection on the theme of family and that blood is thicker than water, even when family members get themselves into dumb predicaments. :) Good luck for the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2024
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Thanks for your review. Glad you enjoyed the read and the little twist at the end. Also, congratulations on your recent recognition from the committee. Keep going.
Take care and have a wonderful day.
Regards
Barry Penfold.
