Lair Of The Seductress
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Knockin"Book Four Wolf Bend Series
15 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I had a feeling it was going to end like that. Things were going so well for Bernie. But, wow, this is excellent! You build up tension with your impressive command of dialogue and expand the sexual theme of this without once disappearing down a hole of gratuitous description (as some might do). You've hooked me in with this well expressed story which is a very strong contender in my humble opinion. Well done, Doug! Good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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I had a feeling it was going to end like that. Things were going so well for Bernie. But, wow, this is excellent! You build up tension with your impressive command of dialogue and expand the sexual theme of this without once disappearing down a hole of gratuitous description (as some might do). You've hooked me in with this well expressed story which is a very strong contender in my humble opinion. Well done, Doug! Good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2024
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You are too kind! I don't worry too much about committee contest wins. I need a lot more work at editing, structure, and such before they will shine the spotlight on me. Regardless, i do respect your opinion and appreciate your wonderful review.
Douglas
Comment from Sally Law
Oh my freaking goodness! We have a young serial killer who is working the trucking routes. It looks as though she's not going to be stopping anytime soon unless caught. Aileen Wuornous comes to mind. Exceptional writing and ribbon contender, my friend.
Sending along my very best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal xo
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Oh my freaking goodness! We have a young serial killer who is working the trucking routes. It looks as though she's not going to be stopping anytime soon unless caught. Aileen Wuornous comes to mind. Exceptional writing and ribbon contender, my friend.
Sending along my very best today as always, and my very best wishes for the upcoming contest.
Sal xo
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thank you! I'm glad you found it interesting. It is the most graphic chapter of the book.
Appreciate you!
Douglas
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Im glad you told me that. I didn't know if I could handle this much in every chapter. This red head's a insatiable monster. She was most likely raped or abused terribly by a trucker. My best wishes, D.
Sal xo
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Well written.
So, she killed him, I assume. Or did she simply dis-member him?
I don't know how you can get an entire book out of Lillith. Who are Greg and Jenny? Is Lillith, Jenny? Guess I'll have to wait for chapter two to find out.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Well written.
So, she killed him, I assume. Or did she simply dis-member him?
I don't know how you can get an entire book out of Lillith. Who are Greg and Jenny? Is Lillith, Jenny? Guess I'll have to wait for chapter two to find out.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Ha! This is actually Book four of the Wolf Bend Series. Check out Book Two notes and it will explain who the people are. I didn't put all the details in as the first post was a contest entry.
Comment from Aaron Milavec
First of all, I want to say you have a good narrative style. You build up tension. And then all hell breaks lose.
Meanwhile, you have trouble with the meaning of words. Here are some early examples:
Knockin should be "knockin'."
Pissy should be "piss-poor."
You write: In his mind it was very inconsiderate of Bill.
I write: In his mind this was very inconsiderate of Bill.
You write: She smiled, a lot less innocent.
I write: She smiled, a lot less innocently.
You write: "Climb on up, honey."
I write: "Climb on up, Honey."
If you plan to be a well-read writer, you need to find yourself a reader who can spot these little errors that will distract or annoy a practiced writer.
Your most surprising line is this one: he leaned over and pushed open the passenger door to his 2002 Freightliner FLD120.
You most evocative line: Soon the cab of the semi-truck was rocking and squeaking with a force that shook the heavy Frieghtliner.
You might consider this: Soon the cab of the semi was rocking and squeaking with a force that shook the ten-ton Freightliner [note spelling correction].
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reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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First of all, I want to say you have a good narrative style. You build up tension. And then all hell breaks lose.
Meanwhile, you have trouble with the meaning of words. Here are some early examples:
Knockin should be "knockin'."
Pissy should be "piss-poor."
You write: In his mind it was very inconsiderate of Bill.
I write: In his mind this was very inconsiderate of Bill.
You write: She smiled, a lot less innocent.
I write: She smiled, a lot less innocently.
You write: "Climb on up, honey."
I write: "Climb on up, Honey."
If you plan to be a well-read writer, you need to find yourself a reader who can spot these little errors that will distract or annoy a practiced writer.
Your most surprising line is this one: he leaned over and pushed open the passenger door to his 2002 Freightliner FLD120.
You most evocative line: Soon the cab of the semi-truck was rocking and squeaking with a force that shook the heavy Frieghtliner.
You might consider this: Soon the cab of the semi was rocking and squeaking with a force that shook the ten-ton Freightliner [note spelling correction].
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thanks, Professor Milavec. I have only been writing for a little over a year so appreciate all of the advice and really appreciate your time. I do have a couple of ladies on the site who will assist me with editing throughout the process. Thank you, Sir!
Douglas
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If you appreciated my review, please consider nominating me for a reviewer's recognition award.
Comment from Julie Helms
Goodness this is chilling! I despise cheaters, but that punishment was very harsh. I liked it! I would continue to read this book. This is an excellent hook for a first chapter.
Too incredibly minor suggestions for grammar:
1.He looked about the lot, and even with the heavy fog that was rolling in, he could see ...
I would put the comma on the other side of the 'and'. Everything inside the comma is parenthetical and can be removed and the rest of the sentence needs to make sense.
He looked about the lot and,..., he could see.
2. Bernies only good for one go
I know Bernie is really distracted at this point, but he needs a possessive apostrophe Bernie's. :-)
Please hurry up with the next chapter.
Julie. :-D
Edited to add: I forgot to ask, my Latin is rusty. Is completus sum, I am done?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Goodness this is chilling! I despise cheaters, but that punishment was very harsh. I liked it! I would continue to read this book. This is an excellent hook for a first chapter.
Too incredibly minor suggestions for grammar:
1.He looked about the lot, and even with the heavy fog that was rolling in, he could see ...
I would put the comma on the other side of the 'and'. Everything inside the comma is parenthetical and can be removed and the rest of the sentence needs to make sense.
He looked about the lot and,..., he could see.
2. Bernies only good for one go
I know Bernie is really distracted at this point, but he needs a possessive apostrophe Bernie's. :-)
Please hurry up with the next chapter.
Julie. :-D
Edited to add: I forgot to ask, my Latin is rusty. Is completus sum, I am done?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2024
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Thanks! Great catches.
This book is part of a series that is much like Goose Bumps for adults, so the main character will be dealing with paranormal adversaries.
The Latin phrase means; I am complete.
D