Stumblin'
A Tale of Love In the Space Age15 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Not sure I would call it a tale of love, as we have no reason why he loves her or him, her. We don't really know anything about either of them or the world they inhabit. We don't know why she came back for him. Or why she was leaving. So, no sacrifice.
notes:
"You're kind of late to be thinking about her," mom said, "she's got a steady boyfriend now."
- The reader doesn't know why he would ask his mother this?
The next shipload from {earth} was due to depart from White Sands
-Earth
said the nurse, "someone who's been lingering around here for you"
- said the nurse. "Someone who's been lingering around here for you."
"You're wondering what I'm doing here," she said,
-"You're wondering what I'm doing here?" she asked.
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reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Not sure I would call it a tale of love, as we have no reason why he loves her or him, her. We don't really know anything about either of them or the world they inhabit. We don't know why she came back for him. Or why she was leaving. So, no sacrifice.
notes:
"You're kind of late to be thinking about her," mom said, "she's got a steady boyfriend now."
- The reader doesn't know why he would ask his mother this?
The next shipload from {earth} was due to depart from White Sands
-Earth
said the nurse, "someone who's been lingering around here for you"
- said the nurse. "Someone who's been lingering around here for you."
"You're wondering what I'm doing here," she said,
-"You're wondering what I'm doing here?" she asked.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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Believe me, I took out as much as I could from this story, trying to make it acceptable as flash fiction. It probably is still a bit too big. You just can't tell everything in a flash fiction story, and I didn't want to make it a "slice of life" tale.
Comment from lyenochka
What a great story to illustrate that Love Overcomes Fear! I enjoyed your sci-fi story and the willingness to overcome fear to save his beloved. And I especially liked that they both asked each other in childhood for marriage. That's so sweet!
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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What a great story to illustrate that Love Overcomes Fear! I enjoyed your sci-fi story and the willingness to overcome fear to save his beloved. And I especially liked that they both asked each other in childhood for marriage. That's so sweet!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2023
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I had some sweet writers, such as you, for inspiration!
Comment from BethShelby
This is a bit of Sci-fi short flash. Nicely written. It take a good imagination to get involved with these creature from another world. I'm assuming you got a yes that time to your question.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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This is a bit of Sci-fi short flash. Nicely written. It take a good imagination to get involved with these creature from another world. I'm assuming you got a yes that time to your question.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Of course! Thank you and all the FS people for the great times I've had fighting space monsters, doing the mambo, saving my buddies during WW2, and all the great things I could never do in real life!
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Yes, and that's why the girl in the song is meeting the hero with her suitcase.
Comment from Daylily
I really like this, Jim. It is so romantic and a science fiction story to boot!
When I read the first paragraph, an old memory flooded my mind. I was in the second grade and a little boy (I cannot even remember his name) gave me a real diamond ring. Of course, it was too big but I was very willing to receive it.
Well, his mother called my mother and it turns out that the ring had been his grandmother's wedding ring and she had passed away some time ago. It was agreed that the family would come over to our house that night. When they did, I returned the diamond ring. In exchange, they presented me with a child's ring of 14K gold and three tiny emerald chips.
It fit perfectly and I loved it. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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I really like this, Jim. It is so romantic and a science fiction story to boot!
When I read the first paragraph, an old memory flooded my mind. I was in the second grade and a little boy (I cannot even remember his name) gave me a real diamond ring. Of course, it was too big but I was very willing to receive it.
Well, his mother called my mother and it turns out that the ring had been his grandmother's wedding ring and she had passed away some time ago. It was agreed that the family would come over to our house that night. When they did, I returned the diamond ring. In exchange, they presented me with a child's ring of 14K gold and three tiny emerald chips.
It fit perfectly and I loved it. :-)
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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I guess you were always lovable, even from when you were a young child!
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Lol hardly. I was a real tomboy.
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I'm sure you still broke plenty of hearts!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this love story with us. I enjoyed reading. Each paragraph needs space before it. In your manuscript you have them in paragraph but on FanStory you need to physically put the space in. EAch person speaking gets their own paragraph.
That night, I I had visions of the most desirable girl (one 'I' is enough)
What re you doing?" she screamed. (are??)
"Doing what your boyfriend should be doing-saving your skin! (quotation marks after 'skin!')
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Thank you for sharing this love story with us. I enjoyed reading. Each paragraph needs space before it. In your manuscript you have them in paragraph but on FanStory you need to physically put the space in. EAch person speaking gets their own paragraph.
That night, I I had visions of the most desirable girl (one 'I' is enough)
What re you doing?" she screamed. (are??)
"Doing what your boyfriend should be doing-saving your skin! (quotation marks after 'skin!')
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2023
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Many thanks. So far I cleared up one of those problems. I'll attend to the rest.
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Many thanks. So far I cleared up one of those problems. I'll attend to the rest.