Spectre
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Doors"This is book two of a trilogy book 1 "Ghost"
12 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Your opening poem is rather Shakespearean me thinks Lea, a very good start to this next chapter. It is dreadful that a young girl with no family and no money can just be abandoned onto the street, it is beyond my comprehension how thoughtless and uncaring your Mother was and is. You have no choice but to throw yourself on the mercy of friends and whatever you have done to survive Lea, you will not be criticised for it as we do anything to stay alive. Fortunately I have never been is your situation, but I did leave home when I was 18 and there was a moment when I had no where to live and I was very frightened. I can''t imagine how difficult this must have been.
A suggestion for this line:
(A bit like a refugee (on an) overcrowded boat).
I must admit you have retained your sense of humour in your desperate situation Lea and an optimism that not many would keep after being treated like this. Why did you Mother just pack up and leave like that?
Another fine chapter Lea, and congratulations on winning book of the month, you deserved it and I voted for you. Love Dolly x x x
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reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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Your opening poem is rather Shakespearean me thinks Lea, a very good start to this next chapter. It is dreadful that a young girl with no family and no money can just be abandoned onto the street, it is beyond my comprehension how thoughtless and uncaring your Mother was and is. You have no choice but to throw yourself on the mercy of friends and whatever you have done to survive Lea, you will not be criticised for it as we do anything to stay alive. Fortunately I have never been is your situation, but I did leave home when I was 18 and there was a moment when I had no where to live and I was very frightened. I can''t imagine how difficult this must have been.
A suggestion for this line:
(A bit like a refugee (on an) overcrowded boat).
I must admit you have retained your sense of humour in your desperate situation Lea and an optimism that not many would keep after being treated like this. Why did you Mother just pack up and leave like that?
Another fine chapter Lea, and congratulations on winning book of the month, you deserved it and I voted for you. Love Dolly x x x
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Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much I so appreciate that wow that's amazing! This is a wonderful review, very pleased to receive! Thank you very much.
Many times I've been scared in my life. In fact, I think I've been scared my whole life. This is why words like courageous ring kind of funny. It seemed like there is nothing brave about being scared. At least I thought so. That feeling of desperation that comes over you and you know you have nowhere to go. And no straws to grass bat very frightening for sure. I feel for anyone including yourself that had to go through that. Thank you again my friend. I wish you a wonderful and fabulous evening. I guess what it is where you're at thank you again!
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Thank you for your supportive reply Lea, bless you x x x
Comment from Urbanscribe
It's an affecting story that creates strong connections with the reader. But the way it is written creates some unnecessary barriers to that reader connecting with what you are saying. The principal difficulty I had was with the mix of a poem (excellent though it was) and three different fonts/ structures for four different parts of the narrative. I had to read it several times to gather the meaning. Once I had made that extra effort I was impressed with the writing (I loved the bluebells curtsying to the bees and opening their doors). A gentle comment though: a little proofreading would go a long way.
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reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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It's an affecting story that creates strong connections with the reader. But the way it is written creates some unnecessary barriers to that reader connecting with what you are saying. The principal difficulty I had was with the mix of a poem (excellent though it was) and three different fonts/ structures for four different parts of the narrative. I had to read it several times to gather the meaning. Once I had made that extra effort I was impressed with the writing (I loved the bluebells curtsying to the bees and opening their doors). A gentle comment though: a little proofreading would go a long way.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2023
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Thank you so very much! I really appreciate your advice. I am a fairly new writer and don't have any formal training. So any advice or suggestions for edits or things that should be better. I really like to hear because it's like gold to me! The layout follows: at times I'll include a poem first, but always started or followed by writing in present tense in smaller font. And then the larger font contains the story of my life going back so past tense and then again I return to present tense I. Smaller font. It's an effort to keep the balance if you will break up the intensity. You may already know this but I have included it just in case. Once again, thank you for reading collective change. I'm very appreciative I hope your day is great!