Date Night
A story you can really get your teeth into!32 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Excellent! this drew me in and held my attention. clever closing, though I did predict it, it was still effective. Ha ha ha. The dialog speeds the pace along superbly, and characterization shines through well. Since there is some 'narrative description' when she elaborates on her tale within her dialog, one doesn't miss it between the dialog. Well done.
Excellent sentence mechanics. Just a few spag nits pertaining to COMMA usage after the conjunction AND. When the subsequent clause is independent (has it's own subject) then one has to put a comma after AND (or any conjunction).
I had a long way to go to get back to camp(,) and it was all uphill.
I wasn't dreaming(,) and I sure as hell wasn't high.
That mark is a couple of months old now(,) and it won't heal.
My brother used to play in a punk band(,) and he and his bandmates used to rehearse down there."
Maybe hyphenate band-mates
I also suggest a comma after the adverb here:
Luckily(,) we have a pretty big house and the basement is soundproofed.
Those are corrections, while this one is an optional suggestion:
As I ran, I could hear the howling.
COULD HEAR is weak voicing. I recommend describing it in visceral detail or with a simile
Example to illustrate what I mean:
As I ran, the sound of howling made my hairs stand on end.
Or tighten that to:
As I ran, the howling sound made my hairs stand on end.
As I ran, the howling sounded like (fill in the blank with a simile...)
This borders on a six. It reveals real storytelling talent with publishing potential. I am an editor and writing coach, so if you ever decide to publish a book of your stories, poems or a novel, feel free to contact me, as I'd love to work with such a promising author! If interested, send me a message and I'll send you my Linked-In and email.
In recent years, I've been far less active on Fanstory than I had been, but I will fan you now and visit sporadically!
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2023
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Excellent! this drew me in and held my attention. clever closing, though I did predict it, it was still effective. Ha ha ha. The dialog speeds the pace along superbly, and characterization shines through well. Since there is some 'narrative description' when she elaborates on her tale within her dialog, one doesn't miss it between the dialog. Well done.
Excellent sentence mechanics. Just a few spag nits pertaining to COMMA usage after the conjunction AND. When the subsequent clause is independent (has it's own subject) then one has to put a comma after AND (or any conjunction).
I had a long way to go to get back to camp(,) and it was all uphill.
I wasn't dreaming(,) and I sure as hell wasn't high.
That mark is a couple of months old now(,) and it won't heal.
My brother used to play in a punk band(,) and he and his bandmates used to rehearse down there."
Maybe hyphenate band-mates
I also suggest a comma after the adverb here:
Luckily(,) we have a pretty big house and the basement is soundproofed.
Those are corrections, while this one is an optional suggestion:
As I ran, I could hear the howling.
COULD HEAR is weak voicing. I recommend describing it in visceral detail or with a simile
Example to illustrate what I mean:
As I ran, the sound of howling made my hairs stand on end.
Or tighten that to:
As I ran, the howling sound made my hairs stand on end.
As I ran, the howling sounded like (fill in the blank with a simile...)
This borders on a six. It reveals real storytelling talent with publishing potential. I am an editor and writing coach, so if you ever decide to publish a book of your stories, poems or a novel, feel free to contact me, as I'd love to work with such a promising author! If interested, send me a message and I'll send you my Linked-In and email.
In recent years, I've been far less active on Fanstory than I had been, but I will fan you now and visit sporadically!
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2023
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Thank you so very much - I really, really appreciate your fulsome feedback and will take it on board!
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My pleasure. Nice to meet you!
Comment from lancellot
The storyline is clear and telling. The motivation of your two characters is not clear, especially given we are told this is an aborted first date. This raises the obvious questions about both of their actions and reactions.
I do wish you luck in the contest. This was an inventive way to tell mid-length story.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2023
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The storyline is clear and telling. The motivation of your two characters is not clear, especially given we are told this is an aborted first date. This raises the obvious questions about both of their actions and reactions.
I do wish you luck in the contest. This was an inventive way to tell mid-length story.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2023
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Thank you.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Wow! What a tale. Your story is compelling, and keeps the reader's interest. Without third-person narration, your imagery is vivid and easily understood. Your dialogue is creative and believable. Well done. You didn't give credit for the artwork, but it paired perfectly with the story. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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Wow! What a tale. Your story is compelling, and keeps the reader's interest. Without third-person narration, your imagery is vivid and easily understood. Your dialogue is creative and believable. Well done. You didn't give credit for the artwork, but it paired perfectly with the story. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much!
Comment from JT traveller
Fantastic writing. Your dialogue makes the story come alive. I appreciate the efforts you put into your descriptions to create lovely imagery. Best of luck in the competition. Jacqueline
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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Fantastic writing. Your dialogue makes the story come alive. I appreciate the efforts you put into your descriptions to create lovely imagery. Best of luck in the competition. Jacqueline
Comment Written 18-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much! :)
Comment from BethShelby
This is quite a story. The guy should have listened now you also created another hewolf. I didn't know there was a contest like this but I think your entry may be a winner.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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This is quite a story. The guy should have listened now you also created another hewolf. I didn't know there was a contest like this but I think your entry may be a winner.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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Thank you!
Comment from Liz O'Neill
You did well to keep the reader in suspense. Your setting was perfect which enhanced the characters. I have ADD so I usually have difficulty following which character is talking. I with a little effort was able to follow. Lately people have been highlighting one of the speakers which ensures clarity with who is speaking. Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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You did well to keep the reader in suspense. Your setting was perfect which enhanced the characters. I have ADD so I usually have difficulty following which character is talking. I with a little effort was able to follow. Lately people have been highlighting one of the speakers which ensures clarity with who is speaking. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much for your feedback, Liz. The highlighting is a good idea - I'll remember that for next time. Cheers!
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thank you for that consideration.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I loved it. It felt totally real. Like an actual conversation was happening. Perhaps he should run.
Quickly. Now. He should have. Boy was she hungry.
:-) Karen
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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I loved it. It felt totally real. Like an actual conversation was happening. Perhaps he should run.
Quickly. Now. He should have. Boy was she hungry.
:-) Karen
Comment Written 17-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much!
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have a good weekend. Shave.
Karren
Comment from Lisasview
Oh my goodness...boy do you have a great vivid imagination... making a story for the writing prompt... Creating a Shewolf... could actually be an entire book...
I found it easy to read because of the line spacing...
Lisasview
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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Oh my goodness...boy do you have a great vivid imagination... making a story for the writing prompt... Creating a Shewolf... could actually be an entire book...
I found it easy to read because of the line spacing...
Lisasview
Comment Written 17-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much!
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Not to worry; the story is clear as...A FULL MOON!! (like what I did there, Mystery Contestant?...)
This was SUPER!! I usually don't read these kinds of tails...ooops - TALES...but once I started with this one, I honestly could not stop. You hooked me quickly and kept me interested the entire way through.
The dialogue was excellent. It felt believable and was at a perfect pace to keep the story moving forward.
All in all, a TERRIFIC entry for the she-wolf contest! I hope it does grrrrrrreat for yoooooooooooooou!
xoxox
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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Not to worry; the story is clear as...A FULL MOON!! (like what I did there, Mystery Contestant?...)
This was SUPER!! I usually don't read these kinds of tails...ooops - TALES...but once I started with this one, I honestly could not stop. You hooked me quickly and kept me interested the entire way through.
The dialogue was excellent. It felt believable and was at a perfect pace to keep the story moving forward.
All in all, a TERRIFIC entry for the she-wolf contest! I hope it does grrrrrrreat for yoooooooooooooou!
xoxox
Comment Written 16-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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:) Thank you so much for your very kind review! Glad you enjoyed it!
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It was terrific!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Very nicely written. The dialogue worked well.
I wondered whether she would actually relish the idea of a fellow wolf, a he-wolf boyfriend. (smiley face here)
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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Very nicely written. The dialogue worked well.
I wondered whether she would actually relish the idea of a fellow wolf, a he-wolf boyfriend. (smiley face here)
Best wishes.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2023
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Thank you so much! It's hard to tell. I reckon the position of the moon might influence that one. :)