The Man
Little Mistakes36 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
This is powerful story with food for thought. I liked the way you work in a description of the mother and her present condition. The telephone conversation gives the reader insight into her abusive marriage. I felt for poor Robert and the burden she put on him: Man of the house.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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This is powerful story with food for thought. I liked the way you work in a description of the mother and her present condition. The telephone conversation gives the reader insight into her abusive marriage. I felt for poor Robert and the burden she put on him: Man of the house.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Thank you very much for your time and an exceptional rating.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
You have proved in this now, Bruce, that you can master, not just one type of genre but a range of different subjects and themes with skill and confidence. This story is simply heart wrenching. The focus is on the boy whose nervous activities dominate our view of him and the distress and torment he feels. He doesn't see it as a parent responsibility that this is not working. It's all his fault, he's the man and protector of his mother. Although of course his mother's voice is resounding throughout the piece, it's almost like an echo as the reader's attention is still processing the palpable emotional state of the boy. Sadly I don't have a six to give you here but please accept this as a virtual one. Well done! Debbie
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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You have proved in this now, Bruce, that you can master, not just one type of genre but a range of different subjects and themes with skill and confidence. This story is simply heart wrenching. The focus is on the boy whose nervous activities dominate our view of him and the distress and torment he feels. He doesn't see it as a parent responsibility that this is not working. It's all his fault, he's the man and protector of his mother. Although of course his mother's voice is resounding throughout the piece, it's almost like an echo as the reader's attention is still processing the palpable emotional state of the boy. Sadly I don't have a six to give you here but please accept this as a virtual one. Well done! Debbie
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2023
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Thank you very much, Debbie. The first line was everything I needed to hear. Absolutely lovely review and I read it three times. Eternally grateful.
Comment from lancellot
This is an interesting scene, or snapshot of a more complex story. It's hard to tell more than surface level, without more backstory. We are told repeatedly the age of the mother but no one else. And the mother was given so many "sad" characteristics that I was waiting for her have cancer too. I would tone some of that back. I do think a closer look at this is needed.
notes:
because the thirty-two-year-old woman that he was supposed to take care {for} was suffering.
-recommend: of
She sensed Robert in the next room, and she was ashamed of herself. The rage was gone.
-Why does this change happen? Sense Robert in the next room. Why sense him? That's where she left him.
"I despise you, do you understand? You're disgusting. He was right. We'll do fine without you. We're doing fine without you. We don't need you. We never did."
- This line doesn't make it seem the rage is gone, just redirected.
Robert's hands were now burning red, but he wasn't giving up.
-Giving up on what? He isn't doing anything.
"Don't worry about it. It was a mistake. Those things happen." Robert finally loosened the grip on his hands but still didn't let go.
- This happens quite a bit. You mix one character's dialogue with another character's actions in the same line or paragraph.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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This is an interesting scene, or snapshot of a more complex story. It's hard to tell more than surface level, without more backstory. We are told repeatedly the age of the mother but no one else. And the mother was given so many "sad" characteristics that I was waiting for her have cancer too. I would tone some of that back. I do think a closer look at this is needed.
notes:
because the thirty-two-year-old woman that he was supposed to take care {for} was suffering.
-recommend: of
She sensed Robert in the next room, and she was ashamed of herself. The rage was gone.
-Why does this change happen? Sense Robert in the next room. Why sense him? That's where she left him.
"I despise you, do you understand? You're disgusting. He was right. We'll do fine without you. We're doing fine without you. We don't need you. We never did."
- This line doesn't make it seem the rage is gone, just redirected.
Robert's hands were now burning red, but he wasn't giving up.
-Giving up on what? He isn't doing anything.
"Don't worry about it. It was a mistake. Those things happen." Robert finally loosened the grip on his hands but still didn't let go.
- This happens quite a bit. You mix one character's dialogue with another character's actions in the same line or paragraph.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Thanks for your opinion, Lancellot.
On the recommendations:
1. She sensed Robert in the next room, and she was ashamed of herself. The rage was gone.
- Motherly instinct.
2.Why does this change happen? Sense Robert in the next room. Why sense him? That's where she left him.
- See above. There's more to it than just "sensing his presence" but also a form of realisation following the conversation with her ex.
3. Giving up on what? He isn't doing anything.
- He was rubbing his hands the whole time.
4. This happens quite a bit. You mix one character's dialogue with another character's actions in the same line or paragraph.
- And I love it.
Comment from Frank Malley
As the centuries old nuclear marriage shatters more and more often, there are still women who build their lives around a split responsibility: the husband earns the money, and the wife cares for the children and the household. In Bruce Carrington's story, a wife finds herself terribly stressed and overworked because she and her son left her husband his father. The father doesn't supervise the boy, he spends money - quite a lot - foolishly.
The strength of this story is found in its descriptions of a desperate woman whom we experience through the eyes of her son, who is agitated and suffering because he urged his mom to leave him. This telling of a too common story is strong and urgent, and leaves without any solution other than the love between mother and son, who, relevant to the title, wants to retain the title she gave him: the man of the house.
Carrington uses a repeated sentence beginning "Women at thirty-two don't... and completes it with descriptions of the physical and emotional wreckage of the boy's mother. This choice of design emphasizes her suffering and her son's awareness of it.
Although the emotion and behavior of both son and mother are described, I felt the story might have gained strength by giving, a loaded description of these characters' appearances.
In as much as this story is mainly occupied by the desperate rant of the wife, it might have been good to set up this part with an earlier section in a different emotional key.
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As the centuries old nuclear marriage shatters more and more often, there are still women who build their lives around a split responsibility: the husband earns the money, and the wife cares for the children and the household. In Bruce Carrington's story, a wife finds herself terribly stressed and overworked because she and her son left her husband his father. The father doesn't supervise the boy, he spends money - quite a lot - foolishly.
The strength of this story is found in its descriptions of a desperate woman whom we experience through the eyes of her son, who is agitated and suffering because he urged his mom to leave him. This telling of a too common story is strong and urgent, and leaves without any solution other than the love between mother and son, who, relevant to the title, wants to retain the title she gave him: the man of the house.
Carrington uses a repeated sentence beginning "Women at thirty-two don't... and completes it with descriptions of the physical and emotional wreckage of the boy's mother. This choice of design emphasizes her suffering and her son's awareness of it.
Although the emotion and behavior of both son and mother are described, I felt the story might have gained strength by giving, a loaded description of these characters' appearances.
In as much as this story is mainly occupied by the desperate rant of the wife, it might have been good to set up this part with an earlier section in a different emotional key.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
Comment from karenina
I'm no prose expert...but I know what grabs and moves me. This does that and more. You have such a direct way of sharpening your images. I felt the pain of this boy. The conflict. Mom's seething anger comes through and I'm left detesting the deadbeat on the other end.
I hone in on the guilt this young lad feels for asking her to leave... the bloody hands from constant stress and frenetic rubbing.
I almost want to leap into the possibility he was being abused by "Daddy Dearest." I realize I'm overreaching.
I get that way when excellent writing compels me to think well beyond the final line.
I don't have any sixes left. Damn. You deserve them!
Karenina
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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I'm no prose expert...but I know what grabs and moves me. This does that and more. You have such a direct way of sharpening your images. I felt the pain of this boy. The conflict. Mom's seething anger comes through and I'm left detesting the deadbeat on the other end.
I hone in on the guilt this young lad feels for asking her to leave... the bloody hands from constant stress and frenetic rubbing.
I almost want to leap into the possibility he was being abused by "Daddy Dearest." I realize I'm overreaching.
I get that way when excellent writing compels me to think well beyond the final line.
I don't have any sixes left. Damn. You deserve them!
Karenina
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Your kind words are more than enough, Karenina. Absolutely and eternally grateful for your time to read and write down your amazing thoughts. Thank you.
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Have I fanned you? If not, what is wrong with me? I'll go check on that right now!
Comment from Sanku
A realistic depiction of family drama with a young boy struggling to be the man of the house in the centre. repeating what a woman of 32 should or should not be stresses the struggle of the woman .the language of the phone call serves as a letting off steam from a highly pressured existence. Robert in the centre is a figure the reader feel so much about....
very well done.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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A realistic depiction of family drama with a young boy struggling to be the man of the house in the centre. repeating what a woman of 32 should or should not be stresses the struggle of the woman .the language of the phone call serves as a letting off steam from a highly pressured existence. Robert in the centre is a figure the reader feel so much about....
very well done.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly for taking the time to read and an exceptional rating.
Comment from Wendy G
Wish I still had a six left! I heard their voices. I felt the emotion, the despair, and the panic. I saw the child's sense of guilt and of failure, and the ensuing trauma for him. And the mother's rage and despair at how her life is turning out. Excellent writing.
Wendy
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Wish I still had a six left! I heard their voices. I felt the emotion, the despair, and the panic. I saw the child's sense of guilt and of failure, and the ensuing trauma for him. And the mother's rage and despair at how her life is turning out. Excellent writing.
Wendy
Comment Written 19-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, Wendy.
Comment from Lee, Undone
That's was amazing, I would have loved to keep reading. I love the concept of looking at things through the eyes of a child suffering from a parent in domestic violence and the suffering and confusion they feel themselves. Very powerful.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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That's was amazing, I would have loved to keep reading. I love the concept of looking at things through the eyes of a child suffering from a parent in domestic violence and the suffering and confusion they feel themselves. Very powerful.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Thank you very much, Coby.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is an interesting story. I may be reading a little bit more into it because of the borderline incontinence, but it made me think Robert was a special needs boy/young teen. It sounds like the ex-husband is addicted to more than drugs and drinking. It also sounds like Robert has internalized quite a lot of guilt for thinking the divorce was his fault or everything after it was his fault as well.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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This is an interesting story. I may be reading a little bit more into it because of the borderline incontinence, but it made me think Robert was a special needs boy/young teen. It sounds like the ex-husband is addicted to more than drugs and drinking. It also sounds like Robert has internalized quite a lot of guilt for thinking the divorce was his fault or everything after it was his fault as well.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2023
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Very interesting point of view, Crystie. Thanks for taking the time.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Wow! This is a captivating story, told with little narrative and description, but with excellent dialogue that allowed the reader to understand the relationship between a mom and her son. We never hear the man on the phone, but understand exactly who he is and what he is saying. I love the creative repetition of what a thirty-two year old woman should not look like. I consider you a great story teller, and wish you much success.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Wow! This is a captivating story, told with little narrative and description, but with excellent dialogue that allowed the reader to understand the relationship between a mom and her son. We never hear the man on the phone, but understand exactly who he is and what he is saying. I love the creative repetition of what a thirty-two year old woman should not look like. I consider you a great story teller, and wish you much success.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly, LJ