Day and Night
The battle continues between ...12 total reviews
Comment from Paul Manton
Wow! Tom, your glorious poem really surprised me. Full of beautiful imaging and charmed phrases - the picture a perfect and dramatic instant of late dusk with a red harbor city-scape in silhouette. Your first stanza encapsulates not only the scene but the mood of the picture.
The cat falling off a bed spread is very original - more like TSEliot than anything I've rad here recently (believe it or not!) - 'splay, clouds, cleaving' - great use of consonance but there's plenty of alliteration and assonance in here too.
A bit of bathos, as we tug on Superman's cape and think of 'Ol' Sol!' - and an accomplished run out with some internal rhyme and a nod to God.
Terrific, Tom. Didn't know Miami could be so mesmeric.
Paul
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
  |
Wow! Tom, your glorious poem really surprised me. Full of beautiful imaging and charmed phrases - the picture a perfect and dramatic instant of late dusk with a red harbor city-scape in silhouette. Your first stanza encapsulates not only the scene but the mood of the picture.
The cat falling off a bed spread is very original - more like TSEliot than anything I've rad here recently (believe it or not!) - 'splay, clouds, cleaving' - great use of consonance but there's plenty of alliteration and assonance in here too.
A bit of bathos, as we tug on Superman's cape and think of 'Ol' Sol!' - and an accomplished run out with some internal rhyme and a nod to God.
Terrific, Tom. Didn't know Miami could be so mesmeric.
Paul
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
-
Bathos? Did those lines about the cape crusader's best buddy disappoint? There are spots within that may need some change, but you highlighted some good lines making my day.
-
No, Tom. Bathos isn't disappointing - that was quite positive. You dropped out of 'classical' sounding poetry to suddenly talk a bout everyday stuff.
I was 100% pleased with the whole thing!
Outstanding.
-
Good. I looked up bathos which was partially defined as disappointing
-
That's not a good definition at all Tom. Bathos is a literary device to drop down from a high to a lower level - sometimes accidentally, when it might be an error, sometimes to get a laugh, and sometimes to move from a refined to a common way of speaking. I used the word 'glorious' of your poem - so no way it is disappointing!
Best, Paul
Comment from karenina
This is very intriguing writing, Tom. While it looks like a poem and has a rhyme or two, who is to say if in this contest only prose will be the thing? I did not see poems EXCLUDED in the "blurb" --
I'd check with Tom if I were you. It would be a crying shame if something this beautiful were DQ'd from the contest.
I enjoyed: "nature's Venetian blinds" ~~ very original!
Best of luck to you!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
|
This is very intriguing writing, Tom. While it looks like a poem and has a rhyme or two, who is to say if in this contest only prose will be the thing? I did not see poems EXCLUDED in the "blurb" --
I'd check with Tom if I were you. It would be a crying shame if something this beautiful were DQ'd from the contest.
I enjoyed: "nature's Venetian blinds" ~~ very original!
Best of luck to you!
Karenina
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023
-
Being DQ'd is nothing new, and I don't know Tom. To me, it was a story told as if prosaic, but I could easily change it to paragraphs if demanded. Thanks for looking out for me, sistah.
-
I don't know Tom either... But I hit "Contact Us" and ask for clarification when needed...
Tom responds.
I appreciate that!
"Sistah!". I feel so cool now!
:)
