Comment from Paul Manton

Excellent

Hi, Debra. I hadn't seen one of these till now. So I counted, just in case, but you were perfect - just like your little angel in the picture (I taught Primary children most of my life so I'm well aware what posers they are!)

And a Yorkshire Rose - wow! Alas, I am from Cheshire (now Merseyside) and living in London for aeons - but lots of friends from 'God's Own County'!

The picture speaks for itself! The rhyme scheme here is abbccbb(d)ed - that's very clever, especially the internal delay on rhyme 'd'. And the synonym of course - pucker/pout. Impressive! 'With lips stuck out/in comical/pout' is definitely worth 5.5 but we're rounding down today.

I'd love to know what your daughter thinks of this poem and picture now.
I think it's wonderful!
Paul

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2023

---

reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023

Hi Paul :)
Thank you for reading my poem, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I daren't show her! You know what pubescent pre-teens are like!
Thanks for your great feedback and for sharing a little about yourself too. I currently work in a primary school and l love it, for the most part at least! My class in September is year 1, so age 5-6yrs... wish me luck ;)
Best wishes, Debra

reply by Paul Manton on 16-Aug-2023

I do wish you luck! I was mostly a Year/Grade 6 teacher - not far away from your daughter's age - and Year six girls can be VERY grown up! But working with 5-6 year olds I found quite difficult. People don't realize that it is a different kind of job. On the other hand, the few male infant specialists were saints!
Have a great day. Paul

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

Debra, you make it look easy but I don't doubt for one minute this isn't. To get a sweet and humorous story into that flowing and rhyming verse form while keeping the last word seamlessly smooth takes skill. As ever, your posts are a delight to read and your Yorkshire rose a delight to see. Thank you for sharing. Debbie x

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2023

---

reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023

Thanks so much, Debbie :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! It was quite tricky, putting it together, but I enjoyed the process :)
Best wishes as always, Debra x

Comment from Pam (respa)

Excellent

-Thanks for sharing the photo and notes, Debra.
-You did a great job with the form and topic.
-You even added rhyme!
-You paint a vivid word picture of the pose.
-Effective imagery with "Yorkshire rose" and
"messy waves of gold."
-Very good concluding lines.
-Very well done; thanks for sharing it.
-It is a fun form to write.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 15-Aug-2023

---

reply by the author on 16-Aug-2023

Thank you so much, Pam, for your lovely feedback :)
I really enjoyed writing the poem, it's a fun form and I'll be using again, for sure.
Best wishes as always, Debra x

reply by Pam (respa) on 16-Aug-2023

You are very welcome, Debra. I am glad you liked the form. It is fun to write.