Br'er Rabbit
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Opium & Love"Ex-intelligence officer's personal tragedy
15 total reviews
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Sounds pretty authentic to me, the emotions part.
Jenny must really be in love, or else she would've walked a couple times over.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Sounds pretty authentic to me, the emotions part.
Jenny must really be in love, or else she would've walked a couple times over.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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And no one could blame her. Authentic was the goal I had in mind while writing - glad I managed it. Thank you for your time, Wayne.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an extremely effective way of expanding a story. It is as though you are weaving a web. It took me a while to work out what time frame we were in, but that didn't detract from the story at all. I particularly liked the action / emotion - very realistic anger and despair were portrayed. kay
SPAGs for your consideration:
I looked for it for hours the previous night > I had looked for it for hours the previous night
He lost his son and wife, so he understood > He had lost his son and wife, so he understood
knowing, that her daddy is close > knowing, that her daddy was close
realized that I sobered up > realized that I had sobered up
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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This is an extremely effective way of expanding a story. It is as though you are weaving a web. It took me a while to work out what time frame we were in, but that didn't detract from the story at all. I particularly liked the action / emotion - very realistic anger and despair were portrayed. kay
SPAGs for your consideration:
I looked for it for hours the previous night > I had looked for it for hours the previous night
He lost his son and wife, so he understood > He had lost his son and wife, so he understood
knowing, that her daddy is close > knowing, that her daddy was close
realized that I sobered up > realized that I had sobered up
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Thank you dearly for the SPAG, Kay. All amended now. This was the first one I drafted following our conversation on the verb tenses and grammar so I spent a lot of time editing it and trying to polish it the best I could, but still, here we are, with another imperfections. I will try harder and do better.
Your observation on the web is on point! It's exactly what I have in mind when it comes to the ideas on how to build the story up in a not-so-obvious and common way. I want to publish more - independent, yet connected. It might be hard, as I already needed to be careful when trying to allow a new reader to understand the point without being familiar with the original. I can already see that it might be very hard for some of the "subplots" (as I called those side-stories in my notepad while "planning the expansion"), but I'll worry about it as I go.
For now, I am sending my humble thanks for your exceptional rating and words of encouragement. Appreciate you taking the time, as always.
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Your editing showed. It was very smooth, just a couple of times you forgot that if the bulk of the story is written in the past, anything prior to the story is pluperfect... worry not, we can all do that sort of thing. don't worry about time - I'm an inveterate reader. kay
Comment from prettybluebirds
Your story is creative and beyond the normal. I don't personally care for writings concerning violence and drugs, but the writing is excellent, and the dialogue is perfect. Nice work.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Your story is creative and beyond the normal. I don't personally care for writings concerning violence and drugs, but the writing is excellent, and the dialogue is perfect. Nice work.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Thank you kindly for taking the time and letting me know of your opinion. Much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed it.
Sending my best,
Bruce
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a great addition to the previous post. It shows the heartache and the upheaval in the hero's heart.
"Where'd you get that stuff from?" - She queried upon noticing the drugs on the table. (lower case 's' on 'she' Not sure why you put a '-' here. I noticed you did it in the previous post. It doesn't need to be here.)
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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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This is a great addition to the previous post. It shows the heartache and the upheaval in the hero's heart.
"Where'd you get that stuff from?" - She queried upon noticing the drugs on the table. (lower case 's' on 'she' Not sure why you put a '-' here. I noticed you did it in the previous post. It doesn't need to be here.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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The little but significant things I'll remember. That's why I'm here. Thank you kindly for your time again, Barbara. I hope you enjoyed it.
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I am enjoying this writing. You're very good. Do you write in UK English? Just need to know so I don't correct any spelling that is unnecessary.
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I started to write a month ago and never put a single thought on my keyboard's setting. I can see it's set to UK English - that's why autocorrect amends the wording correspondingly. I'm largely self-thought when it comes to English (not my mother tongue) and I learned the US form. I amended the settings to reflect that on my Mac, so this should be resolved. Thanks for pointing this out, Barbara - simple things yet crucial.
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Not a problem. I understand. I taught at a Bilingual school for years. I understand second language issues.
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How the hell did I know you were a teacher? Must be the aura of authority you emanate and my unresolved fear of them!
Bear with me and I'll make you proud, Barbara!
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Oh my!!!! I have no desire to put fear in anybody.
Comment from royowen
Our hero is somewhat violent, and somehow doesn't care how much his violent nature affects others, it would be most discouraging to any female to entertain those tantrums, but then there's a few around. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Our hero is somewhat violent, and somehow doesn't care how much his violent nature affects others, it would be most discouraging to any female to entertain those tantrums, but then there's a few around. Beautifully written my friend, blessings Roy
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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For some, tragic losses lead to violent ends. Our hero has a good heart, something I'll explore in later parts, but for now it's the turmoil that I want to show. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it, Roy. Thank you kindly for taking a look and letting me know of your thoughts.
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Most welcome