Summertime at the Beach
5-7-5 (bronzed beach bodies bask)11 total reviews
Comment from Paul Manton
Hello Mark. I spent several minutes studying the picture, and decided that there are quite a few cases of sunstroke on the way!
That seems to fit in with your wonderfully alliterative senryu verse, which includes the warning, 'blistering', so you flag up that some of these people are extremely unwise.
I like the enigmatic final line, but I absolutely can't let you get away with 'way, which is not an acceptable abbreviation - so unacceptable in fact, that it would disqualify you in a competition. Why not go for, 'castles washed away' which adds another even more enigmatic layer to the meaning?
Good luck with all your future writing.
Paul
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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2023
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Hello Mark. I spent several minutes studying the picture, and decided that there are quite a few cases of sunstroke on the way!
That seems to fit in with your wonderfully alliterative senryu verse, which includes the warning, 'blistering', so you flag up that some of these people are extremely unwise.
I like the enigmatic final line, but I absolutely can't let you get away with 'way, which is not an acceptable abbreviation - so unacceptable in fact, that it would disqualify you in a competition. Why not go for, 'castles washed away' which adds another even more enigmatic layer to the meaning?
Good luck with all your future writing.
Paul
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2023
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Paul,
With some poetic license ?way might be acceptable - contest or not, but I took your suggestion and edited the same.THANK YOU.
Mark
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You're welcome, Mark.
Glad to read such a great poem.
Paul