A Mermaid's Tale or Tail
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Mermaid's Tale or Tail"A teenager has a huge decision to make that will d
16 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This book chapter, A Mermaid's Tale or Tail:
[ I would flip flop the first two paragraphs. Try keeping the present tense, if it works well. ]
Seana (stands) in front of her full-length mirror, looking at the arc-shaped birthmark under her right arm. Turning, she (see) the same birthmark on her left side.
"Seana, stop looking at your birthmarks," Sophia grumble(s), while sitting Indian-style on Seana's twin bed.
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[ Sometimes, in revision, the ideas that filled the page build up quickly. Some of it is unnecessary and can be combed out. Also, punctuation has a tendency to escape us as we go, and needs to be checked. Also, I eliminated the 'as usual' inset about Corey. I suppose it could stay.]
We have been over this a million times(.) You asked your mother more times than I can count. Can we move on?(")
Before Seana could respond, Corey breezed into the room with the energy of a tropical storm.
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There is more little things like this that require revision. Happ6to look at it some more if you want.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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This book chapter, A Mermaid's Tale or Tail:
[ I would flip flop the first two paragraphs. Try keeping the present tense, if it works well. ]
Seana (stands) in front of her full-length mirror, looking at the arc-shaped birthmark under her right arm. Turning, she (see) the same birthmark on her left side.
"Seana, stop looking at your birthmarks," Sophia grumble(s), while sitting Indian-style on Seana's twin bed.
--------------------
[ Sometimes, in revision, the ideas that filled the page build up quickly. Some of it is unnecessary and can be combed out. Also, punctuation has a tendency to escape us as we go, and needs to be checked. Also, I eliminated the 'as usual' inset about Corey. I suppose it could stay.]
We have been over this a million times(.) You asked your mother more times than I can count. Can we move on?(")
Before Seana could respond, Corey breezed into the room with the energy of a tropical storm.
------------------.
There is more little things like this that require revision. Happ6to look at it some more if you want.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback. I will look at those areas. Have a blessed day.
Comment from lyenochka
I like all the girls and I'm wondering if Seana has some mermaid genes in her? Maybe that will explain the birthmarks? You set the scene nicely for the start of a teen novella.
The contest requires that your first chapter is at least 2,000 words and I'm not sure that this fits that requirement.
Is everybody here am I still plus one? ( Is everybody here? Am I still plus one?)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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I like all the girls and I'm wondering if Seana has some mermaid genes in her? Maybe that will explain the birthmarks? You set the scene nicely for the start of a teen novella.
The contest requires that your first chapter is at least 2,000 words and I'm not sure that this fits that requirement.
Is everybody here am I still plus one? ( Is everybody here? Am I still plus one?)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars.I will write more for this context. Thanks for the feedback. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Faith Williams
I think this is a good start, but there are a few things to consider:
-I believe the rules of this contest state that there is a minimum of 2000 words. You will need to add to this chapter, or it will be disqualified.
-You switch between past and present tense, so first decide which one you want to use and make the edits accordingly.
-You may want to consider changing one of the names of the girls: Seana or Sophia. They are close enough that readers may get confused.
They do come across as teenagers. The sentence talking about air quotes was good. I look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes in the contest.
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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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I think this is a good start, but there are a few things to consider:
-I believe the rules of this contest state that there is a minimum of 2000 words. You will need to add to this chapter, or it will be disqualified.
-You switch between past and present tense, so first decide which one you want to use and make the edits accordingly.
-You may want to consider changing one of the names of the girls: Seana or Sophia. They are close enough that readers may get confused.
They do come across as teenagers. The sentence talking about air quotes was good. I look forward to reading more. Thanks for sharing, and best wishes in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the feedback. I will look at that. Have a blessed day.
Comment from BermyBye50
eliz100
This is an excellent entry in the A First Book Chapter contest. Its a well written tale of 3 + 1 teenage girls relaying their lives and expectations. The dialogue is well written and the story is perfect for its target audience - middle school readers. I am not sure have the title relates to the story.
All the best in the contest,
Eugene
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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eliz100
This is an excellent entry in the A First Book Chapter contest. Its a well written tale of 3 + 1 teenage girls relaying their lives and expectations. The dialogue is well written and the story is perfect for its target audience - middle school readers. I am not sure have the title relates to the story.
All the best in the contest,
Eugene
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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The title will unfold in the story. Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading this contest entry and really hope you expand it. It would be a good read. Good luck with the contest.
Is everybody here am I still plus one? (This is really two sentences: 'Is everybody here? Am I still plus one?')
There are a few sentences that have 'I will', in dialogue people would say, 'I'll'. It's more of a natural dialogue.)
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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I enjoyed reading this contest entry and really hope you expand it. It would be a good read. Good luck with the contest.
Is everybody here am I still plus one? (This is really two sentences: 'Is everybody here? Am I still plus one?')
There are a few sentences that have 'I will', in dialogue people would say, 'I'll'. It's more of a natural dialogue.)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the many stars. Have a blessed day.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
I think for a first chapter this certainly opens some doors and already we're getting to know the character quite well especially Seana, the natural leader. I like the idea of the group as there will inevitably be tensions along the way and this will be a resonating read for schoolgirls. The text is clearly done and very readable and the length is spot-on to keep the reader engaged especially at this start which is always a difficult challenge for a writer. Can't really criticise anything here. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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I think for a first chapter this certainly opens some doors and already we're getting to know the character quite well especially Seana, the natural leader. I like the idea of the group as there will inevitably be tensions along the way and this will be a resonating read for schoolgirls. The text is clearly done and very readable and the length is spot-on to keep the reader engaged especially at this start which is always a difficult challenge for a writer. Can't really criticise anything here. Thanks for sharing. Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I have been tossing around this idea in my head. I finally had the courage to put it on paper.