One Thousand Cranes
Viewing comments for Chapter 267 "Our First Home"Gypsy's Favorites
19 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
This is very sexy! It's got it all for me: 'summer rain,' 'golden dust,' 'cinnamon and sugar skin.' Love the quality control humour. The whole verse flow beautifully in its simplicity, needs no rhyme and not a word wasted. Well done and good luck in the contest! A very strong contender! Take care Debbie
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
This is very sexy! It's got it all for me: 'summer rain,' 'golden dust,' 'cinnamon and sugar skin.' Love the quality control humour. The whole verse flow beautifully in its simplicity, needs no rhyme and not a word wasted. Well done and good luck in the contest! A very strong contender! Take care Debbie
Comment Written 04-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you for the review, you are very kind. I appreciate your review and positive feedback.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a sensual write, very intimate and charged with the sexual act here, those kisses and close contact that we enjoy in a relationship, a fine write, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
This is a sensual write, very intimate and charged with the sexual act here, those kisses and close contact that we enjoy in a relationship, a fine write, love Dolly x
Comment Written 04-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you for the review, you are very kind. I appreciate your review and positive feedback.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from lyenochka
You always describe passionate love so well. You include touch, sounds, taste, and sensation to make it all much more engaging.
Best wishes in the contest!
One suggestion:
For your title use either :
Myriad Sweet Kisses -or- A Myriad of Sweet Kisses
https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-fiction/myriad-vs-myriad-of-grammar-rules
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
You always describe passionate love so well. You include touch, sounds, taste, and sensation to make it all much more engaging.
Best wishes in the contest!
One suggestion:
For your title use either :
Myriad Sweet Kisses -or- A Myriad of Sweet Kisses
https://www.writersdigest.com/write-better-fiction/myriad-vs-myriad-of-grammar-rules
Comment Written 04-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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I am going to re write it today, I don't like the way it came out. Thank you for the review, big sister, you are very kind. I appreciate your positive feedback.
Love,
marival
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
Your poem explains how a person feels when they are falling in love. Falling in love is one of the greatest feelings; colors seem brighter, music sounds happier; you feel wonderful.
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
Your poem explains how a person feels when they are falling in love. Falling in love is one of the greatest feelings; colors seem brighter, music sounds happier; you feel wonderful.
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you very much for your time, kind review, and helpfull feedback.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from Aaron Milavec
Hi, Gypsie Blue!
Being a romantic myself, I richly enjoyed your tanka.
I risk telling you, however, that it merits some editing:
#1 You can't have your "soft rain" and your beloved "bathed in sunrays" at the same time.
#2 I have a sense of what "myriad" means, but I don't use it in my active vocabulary. Hence, I check my Oxford Dictionary:
1. a countless or extremely great number.
"networks connecting a myriad of computers"
h
����
multitude
2. (chiefly in classical history) a unit of ten thousand.
adjective
adjective: myriad
countless or extremely great in number.
"the myriad lights of the city"
#3 You say, "play a tune outside the window." While I favor: "play their tune outside our window." Which do you choose?
You say, "and the rest can wait [for what?]." That's why I favor: "and the rest will follow." Which do you choose?
Peace and joy in sharing your story,
Aaron
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reply by the author on 04-May-2023
Hi, Gypsie Blue!
Being a romantic myself, I richly enjoyed your tanka.
I risk telling you, however, that it merits some editing:
#1 You can't have your "soft rain" and your beloved "bathed in sunrays" at the same time.
#2 I have a sense of what "myriad" means, but I don't use it in my active vocabulary. Hence, I check my Oxford Dictionary:
1. a countless or extremely great number.
"networks connecting a myriad of computers"
h
����
multitude
2. (chiefly in classical history) a unit of ten thousand.
adjective
adjective: myriad
countless or extremely great in number.
"the myriad lights of the city"
#3 You say, "play a tune outside the window." While I favor: "play their tune outside our window." Which do you choose?
You say, "and the rest can wait [for what?]." That's why I favor: "and the rest will follow." Which do you choose?
Peace and joy in sharing your story,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you
Comment from Mario PIERRE
Great poem. I like the tenderness revealed in the whole writing. The second set (5/7/5/7/6) has a wrong count, maybe you could revisit it.
Good job!!
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
Great poem. I like the tenderness revealed in the whole writing. The second set (5/7/5/7/6) has a wrong count, maybe you could revisit it.
Good job!!
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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In my notes I explain the rules and provided links to check if you like. Tanka is written in 31 syllables OR LESS.
Comment from Julie G1
So well written. This poem presents a great response to a prompt. The poet presents a succinct and apt word picture. There is an good choice of language and imagery. I hope you keep on composing such verse.
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
So well written. This poem presents a great response to a prompt. The poet presents a succinct and apt word picture. There is an good choice of language and imagery. I hope you keep on composing such verse.
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you very much for the positive review and feedback. Have a nice day.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from patcelaw
This is a lovely poem for the contest. Your presentation is beautiful if Lowes very smoothly when it's red out loud. I enjoyed it very much. Have a good evening. Patricia
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
This is a lovely poem for the contest. Your presentation is beautiful if Lowes very smoothly when it's red out loud. I enjoyed it very much. Have a good evening. Patricia
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you very much for the positive review and feedback. Have a nice day.
Gypsy hugs
Comment from shelley kaye
that picture is so cute! they look so happy!
love that last tanka being in their own home
excellent suite!
thank you for sharing
shelley :)
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reply by the author on 04-May-2023
that picture is so cute! they look so happy!
love that last tanka being in their own home
excellent suite!
thank you for sharing
shelley :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2023
reply by the author on 04-May-2023
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Thank you very much for the positive review and feedback. Have a nice day.
Gypsy hugs