Canceled
Janis is given a task to cancel a problem24 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I think Janis and George deserve one another. So Janis was a "hitman" and both were philanderers as well. What a great plot, unusual and quite original, at least for me, an excellent plot and great characters. I wonder where hitmen and two timers finish up in life, now that would be an interesting plot, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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I think Janis and George deserve one another. So Janis was a "hitman" and both were philanderers as well. What a great plot, unusual and quite original, at least for me, an excellent plot and great characters. I wonder where hitmen and two timers finish up in life, now that would be an interesting plot, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
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Welcome
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Excellent story except the beginning. My granddad would never have taught me such terrible things! I think your character designation is a bit off. The problem I see is in the writing. In several places you're missing verbs or auxilliaries (I've indicated one of each below as an example, but there are quite a few others). Kate xx
striped off her clothes > stripped off her clothes
and into the rental > missing verb
and disappointed > and was disappointed
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Excellent story except the beginning. My granddad would never have taught me such terrible things! I think your character designation is a bit off. The problem I see is in the writing. In several places you're missing verbs or auxilliaries (I've indicated one of each below as an example, but there are quite a few others). Kate xx
striped off her clothes > stripped off her clothes
and into the rental > missing verb
and disappointed > and was disappointed
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from nomi338
Well conceived, well executed, a very good story with strong legs, could easily be converted into a movie for TV, Netflix or some other streaming service. I loved it.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Well conceived, well executed, a very good story with strong legs, could easily be converted into a movie for TV, Netflix or some other streaming service. I loved it.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm a sucker for theses kinds of stories, and I thoroughly enjoyed yours. Best of luck in the contest and I look forward to reading more of your work once I figure out who you are. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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I'm a sucker for theses kinds of stories, and I thoroughly enjoyed yours. Best of luck in the contest and I look forward to reading more of your work once I figure out who you are. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Wendy G
My goodness, she's as cool as a cucumber, and has no morals or scruples about killing - for money. Your story is well thought through and well written. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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My goodness, she's as cool as a cucumber, and has no morals or scruples about killing - for money. Your story is well thought through and well written. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 12-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Thesis
This is a good entry to the contest. I enjoyed how you developed Janis' character. A seemingly innocent and withdrawn woman, turned out to be a woman with a dual personality, an unfaithful wife and a person with no conscience.
The ending was also good where it is revealed the husband is also having an affair. So much for the happy couple myth, lol.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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This is a good entry to the contest. I enjoyed how you developed Janis' character. A seemingly innocent and withdrawn woman, turned out to be a woman with a dual personality, an unfaithful wife and a person with no conscience.
The ending was also good where it is revealed the husband is also having an affair. So much for the happy couple myth, lol.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was an intense story of a double life. I loved how she feigned ignorance of the assassination. The characters were very controlled but I mean it as a compliment. I could see the perfect suburbia and nice family, yet I see what they were underneath. This was a great story. Gretchen
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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This was an intense story of a double life. I loved how she feigned ignorance of the assassination. The characters were very controlled but I mean it as a compliment. I could see the perfect suburbia and nice family, yet I see what they were underneath. This was a great story. Gretchen
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
You have a really good story here. Your rather ordinary looking housewife has some special skills, and she gets some good paychecks. You do, however, have a few things you might want to change as there is a word missing that would make the sentences flow better. . . .she continued lying to him . . . . . . bag, call(ed) the number . . . . . . Carolina and (she) would . . . . . . and (slides/climbs/etc.) into the rental. . . . empty and (was) disappointed . . . Best of luck in the contest with this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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You have a really good story here. Your rather ordinary looking housewife has some special skills, and she gets some good paychecks. You do, however, have a few things you might want to change as there is a word missing that would make the sentences flow better. . . .she continued lying to him . . . . . . bag, call(ed) the number . . . . . . Carolina and (she) would . . . . . . and (slides/climbs/etc.) into the rental. . . . empty and (was) disappointed . . . Best of luck in the contest with this.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Thank you.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written.
loaded the dishwasher with the used dinnerware. - 'used' is unnecessary
Curious - why the sex scene? It felt like one of those cop movies where they had a meeting in a topless bar for no reason.
Good luck in the contest. Ohhhh, I get it now - for male contest votes. Clever.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Nicely written.
loaded the dishwasher with the used dinnerware. - 'used' is unnecessary
Curious - why the sex scene? It felt like one of those cop movies where they had a meeting in a topless bar for no reason.
Good luck in the contest. Ohhhh, I get it now - for male contest votes. Clever.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Thank you!
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Good luck in the contest. Janis is such an intriguing character, you did a good job with the physical description and there were a few hints about her personality, but I wanted to know more. I would have loved more detail. I hope you are planning to maybe expand this into a book or at least a longer story where you can get into the characters a little more. The dialogue, especially between mother and son was believable, but I wanted more between George and Janis. I'd say George is definitely a guy who doesn't ask enough questions. Why?
At times the writing was a little awkward and overweight with mundane details, I offer some examples:
"Seeing the driver mouth a few profanities her way, she gave the finger to the driver who returned the salute and sped off." *** What about something like: As the other driver mouthed profanities at Janis, she shot him the finger and sped off.
"George was on time for the six o'clock family dinner as always. With dinner done he helped clean the table as Janis loaded the dish washer with the used dinnerware. As she turned the machine on her cell phone buzzed and she answered the call." ****As always, George was on time for the six o'clock family dinner. Afterward as he cleaned the table, while Janis loaded the dishwasher, he heard her answer her buzzing cell phone.
"The remaining items she crumpled-up and using her lighter set them a blazed turning them into ashes and flushed them down the chemical toilet." *** After she crumpled up the remaining items, Janis used her lighter to set them ablaze reducing them to ashes she flushed down the chemical toilet.
"...Janis a car flob. " A car fob, not flob.
"It was almost noon when Janis returned to her hotel room after a wild night of sex with a guy old enough to be her grandfather." How old is Janis anyway? She has to be at least early 30s to have an 11-year-old son, which means a guy old enough to be her grandfather would have to be in at least his 60's, right?
"...what looked like a detective dressed in a black suit stepped out followed by two lawyers." ***I don't know why a guy dressed in a black suit would look like a detective. Maybe some other detail that marked him or don't say he looked like a detective. Is the fact that he was a detective important?
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Good luck in the contest. Janis is such an intriguing character, you did a good job with the physical description and there were a few hints about her personality, but I wanted to know more. I would have loved more detail. I hope you are planning to maybe expand this into a book or at least a longer story where you can get into the characters a little more. The dialogue, especially between mother and son was believable, but I wanted more between George and Janis. I'd say George is definitely a guy who doesn't ask enough questions. Why?
At times the writing was a little awkward and overweight with mundane details, I offer some examples:
"Seeing the driver mouth a few profanities her way, she gave the finger to the driver who returned the salute and sped off." *** What about something like: As the other driver mouthed profanities at Janis, she shot him the finger and sped off.
"George was on time for the six o'clock family dinner as always. With dinner done he helped clean the table as Janis loaded the dish washer with the used dinnerware. As she turned the machine on her cell phone buzzed and she answered the call." ****As always, George was on time for the six o'clock family dinner. Afterward as he cleaned the table, while Janis loaded the dishwasher, he heard her answer her buzzing cell phone.
"The remaining items she crumpled-up and using her lighter set them a blazed turning them into ashes and flushed them down the chemical toilet." *** After she crumpled up the remaining items, Janis used her lighter to set them ablaze reducing them to ashes she flushed down the chemical toilet.
"...Janis a car flob. " A car fob, not flob.
"It was almost noon when Janis returned to her hotel room after a wild night of sex with a guy old enough to be her grandfather." How old is Janis anyway? She has to be at least early 30s to have an 11-year-old son, which means a guy old enough to be her grandfather would have to be in at least his 60's, right?
"...what looked like a detective dressed in a black suit stepped out followed by two lawyers." ***I don't know why a guy dressed in a black suit would look like a detective. Maybe some other detail that marked him or don't say he looked like a detective. Is the fact that he was a detective important?
Comment Written 11-Nov-2022
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2022
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Thank you for your helpful suggestions!!
Janis is thirty-six.
Thanks again!
