The Photograph
First encounters with the French Manouch (or gypsy)18 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Hello Charlotte and welcome to FanStory! This is one of the best first posts I've read in a long time. I found it engaging and with a writing style that invites the reader in ~ just enough of a conversational style to make me want to pour another cup of coffee and learn more!
You've come recommended. Katherine Keane, a beloved writer on this site, gave me a "heads up" and directed me to your promising writing.
You have some of our best writers commenting on your work and that bodes very well for you!
I hope you unpack and settle in here. I've been around since 2007 and find this to be a very supportive family of writers...
Karenina
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Hello Charlotte and welcome to FanStory! This is one of the best first posts I've read in a long time. I found it engaging and with a writing style that invites the reader in ~ just enough of a conversational style to make me want to pour another cup of coffee and learn more!
You've come recommended. Katherine Keane, a beloved writer on this site, gave me a "heads up" and directed me to your promising writing.
You have some of our best writers commenting on your work and that bodes very well for you!
I hope you unpack and settle in here. I've been around since 2007 and find this to be a very supportive family of writers...
Karenina
Comment Written 04-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Hi Karenina,
Wow! Thank you for your lovely review and comments! They're so appreciated. Being very new to writing, I do lack self confidence, but reviews like yours really help boost that confidence and encourage me to keep at it. So for that I thank you too.
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I'm thrilled to be a new fan!
Comment from Thomas Blanks
Interesting. In 1997, I live in Kyiv, Ukraine. The Ukrainians told me, "Don't give to the Gypsies." I didn't listen. I would find children playing in the street and buy them McDonald's Happy meals or ice cream.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Interesting. In 1997, I live in Kyiv, Ukraine. The Ukrainians told me, "Don't give to the Gypsies." I didn't listen. I would find children playing in the street and buy them McDonald's Happy meals or ice cream.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Good for you Thomas! I bet they loved you for that! When you manage to get past their distrust and suspicion, they are a truly wonderful people.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Welcome to FS. Hope you grow to enjoy life here as much as I do. In my opinion, this could actually be a winner. And I'm not writing that coz you're obviously a fellow Franco-Brit, although I would like to know where you were in France and for how long. I have been known to be right in such predictions, and I have known at least one case of a 1st post winning a site contest, so there is always hope. In terms of technique, those short tags acted as worderful punctuations between paragraphs. I'd spend the time between now and the contest deadline playing with that, using them to give even more definition - one after each para, or if that's OTT, every other one. Certainly use them more 'structurally' like you would careful shadowing in a photograph. Please, please stick with us, even if we're crusty and foolish sometimes. This site needs brilliant writers like you. Kate xx
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Welcome to FS. Hope you grow to enjoy life here as much as I do. In my opinion, this could actually be a winner. And I'm not writing that coz you're obviously a fellow Franco-Brit, although I would like to know where you were in France and for how long. I have been known to be right in such predictions, and I have known at least one case of a 1st post winning a site contest, so there is always hope. In terms of technique, those short tags acted as worderful punctuations between paragraphs. I'd spend the time between now and the contest deadline playing with that, using them to give even more definition - one after each para, or if that's OTT, every other one. Certainly use them more 'structurally' like you would careful shadowing in a photograph. Please, please stick with us, even if we're crusty and foolish sometimes. This site needs brilliant writers like you. Kate xx
Comment Written 04-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2022
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Oh Kate, thank you!
Gosh, to have you, a writer of such caliber, giving this lil 'ol newbie 6 stars and such a wonderful review, has completely made my day - or my month probably! Thank you so much.
I'm so pleased you thought the tags worked, I wasn't totally sure, and I will certainly take your advice and try tweaking them a bit and see how it comes out.
Ah so your foreign shores were France, I did wonder when reading your lovely poem. I was in the Poitou Charente, near a small town called Confolens, for 11 years in total - and loved every minute of it. I brokenheartedly had to leave it all in 2002, for Ben's education, at a time when France had 2,000 disabled children with no school to go to (no spaces available), and the government offered me 600fr pm to stay home and look after him, as (in their words), 'he was ineducable anyway'!
But what about you? What's your connection to France and where were you? I'd love to hear all.
Before signing off, I also want to thank you so much for recommending my stories to Karenina, she has left me some absolutely lovely reviews and gave me 6 stars for 'The Day That Ben Met Jesus'! Ha ha you shouldn't have done that, otherwise yours would have been my very first 6!
Charlotte xx (How wonderful to find someone here who understands xx! Ha ha I often want to put them and then remember they won't be understood!)
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There are a few Brits here. I'll try and remember to tell them you've arrived - I'm a bit hit and miss about that, but me and karenina are really good friends and share a lot. But yes, orders are a funny thing, I think she reacts more quickly than me. I've read your oher two, but will review, when I get to that stage of the day... My life is very complicated, and has to be as regimented as Ben's probably is. Kate xx
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Thanks Kate xx
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Kate, you were right, it won!!!!
And I wanted to particularly thank you as I followed your suggestions and increased the tags between the paragraphs - maybe they were the tipping point!?
Either way your constructive suggestions got me editing it, so thank you xx
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I just saw. I was so pleased. I'd forgotton it was now... (did say I wouldn't be around much in Nov. Over half way now, and suffering). Also saw you won with Ben's Birth (you're off to a good start). Kate xx
Comment from humpwhistle
Charlotte, this is a truly interesting subject, and down-right exotic on a site that abounds with cloying stories of talking pets. I applaud your ambition. I'm not teacher, Charlotte, but I'm going to risk your wrath by offering some suggestions.
First, try to organize your thoughts a little more. Make sure you've made one point before moving onto the next. Also, edit. Cut away the chaff. Try to write in straight lines from one point to the next. Of course, the are times when a writer can be more circuitous, but in non-fiction straight forward reporting tends to work the best.
Finally, try not to write long paragraphs that tend to look like daunting blocks, or bricks, of type. Assume most readers are lazy, and dole out your wisdom in more bite-sized chunks. You'll attract more readers that way.
In the end, Charlotte, I don't want you to bastardize your writing principles for a few more cock-eyed reviews. I just want to help you acclimate to this particular site. For all my cynicism, there are a few really good writers here. That's why I stick around.
I hope this helps, Charlotte.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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Charlotte, this is a truly interesting subject, and down-right exotic on a site that abounds with cloying stories of talking pets. I applaud your ambition. I'm not teacher, Charlotte, but I'm going to risk your wrath by offering some suggestions.
First, try to organize your thoughts a little more. Make sure you've made one point before moving onto the next. Also, edit. Cut away the chaff. Try to write in straight lines from one point to the next. Of course, the are times when a writer can be more circuitous, but in non-fiction straight forward reporting tends to work the best.
Finally, try not to write long paragraphs that tend to look like daunting blocks, or bricks, of type. Assume most readers are lazy, and dole out your wisdom in more bite-sized chunks. You'll attract more readers that way.
In the end, Charlotte, I don't want you to bastardize your writing principles for a few more cock-eyed reviews. I just want to help you acclimate to this particular site. For all my cynicism, there are a few really good writers here. That's why I stick around.
I hope this helps, Charlotte.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 30-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2022
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Oh Lee, you had me literally laughing out loud with your phrase 'cloying stories of talking pets' - wonderful!
You will NEVER risk my wrath by offering suggestions, that's what I'm here for, to learn to write better - and as far as I'm concerned, you're the ideal mentor (ha ha whether you want to be or not!).
I will definitely take on board all you've said (well, I'll try to anyway).
I'm extremely new to writing stories, it's not even been a year yet since I began; but I'm of the breed that will slog away at something until it's mastered - well to the best of my ability anyway. And the time has now come for me to tell my stories; although unfortunately I don't have any tales of talking pets to recount. . .
Thank you Lee
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No talking pets, huh? I'm going to hold you to that!
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
Welcome to FS!!
You have landed in a special place full of talented writer's and poet's. They will give you honest feedback and tons of support.
I enjoyed this post very much. I love learning new things.
Your writing is honest, descriptive, and intriguing.
You were very successful at "word painting" your relationship with the French Romany Gypsies.
I appreciate the presentation and your dedication.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Welcome to FS!!
You have landed in a special place full of talented writer's and poet's. They will give you honest feedback and tons of support.
I enjoyed this post very much. I love learning new things.
Your writing is honest, descriptive, and intriguing.
You were very successful at "word painting" your relationship with the French Romany Gypsies.
I appreciate the presentation and your dedication.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you so much K.L. what a lovely review!
Comment from lancellot
This is a very well crafted and interesting first post. Congratulations on doing a fine job. It's much better than my first attempt. I made few notes. I hope it helps.
notes:
highlighting my subjects, giving a glow to their faces or a halo when they turned. [Add space between paragraphs]
Suddenly an old woman lumbered down the steps of her ancient caravan. S
"Bonjour {Madame." I began.} "Would it be okay if I took your photo too?"
-"Bonjour Madame," I began. "Would it be okay if I took your photo too?"
Yes I do want!
- Is this dialogue?
- "Yes, I do want!"
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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This is a very well crafted and interesting first post. Congratulations on doing a fine job. It's much better than my first attempt. I made few notes. I hope it helps.
notes:
highlighting my subjects, giving a glow to their faces or a halo when they turned. [Add space between paragraphs]
Suddenly an old woman lumbered down the steps of her ancient caravan. S
"Bonjour {Madame." I began.} "Would it be okay if I took your photo too?"
-"Bonjour Madame," I began. "Would it be okay if I took your photo too?"
Yes I do want!
- Is this dialogue?
- "Yes, I do want!"
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you so much Lancellot for your lovely review and your very useful notes - the comma one especially as I do have trouble with them!
And ah yes I hadn't checked it properly before posting it, 'Yes I do want!' isn't dialogue, but thoughts, and on my original Word document was in italics.....which I hadn't noticed were altered in the copy and pasting process. Ditto with the paragraph, it was a page break on Word.
So thank you so much for pointing them out, I will be more vigilant next time I post!
BTW without the use of italics, how should I show thought as opposed to dialogue? Should I use just single 'quotation marks' rather than "double ones" to differentiate?
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Thoughts are usually shown with italics, I think that is the best way. If you use double quotes, then you have use a tag, like (he thought, she thought). single quotes are mostly when a character is telling a story within your story.
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Thanks Lancellot.
Comment from Theodore McDowell
Congratulations on the milestone post. Nice entry for the contest. A very well told story that shows your persistence in finally making a connection with the group of outcasts. Well done.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Congratulations on the milestone post. Nice entry for the contest. A very well told story that shows your persistence in finally making a connection with the group of outcasts. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Thank you Theodore, I really appreciate your comment.
Comment from Gunner Lil
A very easy read. Excellent flow and pace had this reader wanting more and more. This writing is full of great information. Would love to see the photos.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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A very easy read. Excellent flow and pace had this reader wanting more and more. This writing is full of great information. Would love to see the photos.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2022
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Aw thank you Gunner. I still have many of the photos, all black and white and hand developed/printed. In fact I would always give the model a 10"x8" print as a 'thank you', which (unintentionally) led to many families commissioning me to photograph them and their children; which in turn enabled me to get to know them even quicker and (as an added bonus) to cover the cost of the chemicals and paper! There was a period when every caravan in the area had my photos covering their walls! Good times.
I'd love to show you the photos, but I'm not sure how to do that!?