Do You Believe In Monsters?
Viewing comments for Prologue "Do You Believe In Monsters?"Living with a madman.
15 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
DP was a sadistic monster. Too bad no one reported him to
the authorities, Douglas. You told your heart-wrenching story
well--so much so I could see everything. What a monster he
was. Hard to believe he found another wife. Did you realize you
have two colors of fonts on this or was it intentional.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
  |
DP was a sadistic monster. Too bad no one reported him to
the authorities, Douglas. You told your heart-wrenching story
well--so much so I could see everything. What a monster he
was. Hard to believe he found another wife. Did you realize you
have two colors of fonts on this or was it intentional.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 13-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2022
-
No. It doesn?t show in the edit. Isn?t that odd.
Comment from Faith Williams
Wow! You overcame so much. I can't imagine the absolute terror that you faced every day at home, a place that should have been safe and loving.
Your opening question draws the reader into the story. Your story telling skills are good, leaving the reader wanting to know more.
And yes, I do believe in monsters. Unfortunately, there are way too many who blend into everyday life.
Thank you for sharing your story, and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2022
|
Wow! You overcame so much. I can't imagine the absolute terror that you faced every day at home, a place that should have been safe and loving.
Your opening question draws the reader into the story. Your story telling skills are good, leaving the reader wanting to know more.
And yes, I do believe in monsters. Unfortunately, there are way too many who blend into everyday life.
Thank you for sharing your story, and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2022
-
Thank you Faith. It took a helping hand from a lot of good people to get me on the right path. My faith (no pun intended) was also key.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"quit put your finger on it" should be quite put your finger on it.
Dean Paul sounds more like a self-absorbed bully than anything else, and six kids were easy targets for him. Says something when even animals avoided him.
A new wife and kids to beat. That was all he found.
Bet anything you want to, and all you own, these monsters exist. I had the misfortune of living in an orphanage for 12 years with a variety of them. Currently penning that horror tale.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
|
"quit put your finger on it" should be quite put your finger on it.
Dean Paul sounds more like a self-absorbed bully than anything else, and six kids were easy targets for him. Says something when even animals avoided him.
A new wife and kids to beat. That was all he found.
Bet anything you want to, and all you own, these monsters exist. I had the misfortune of living in an orphanage for 12 years with a variety of them. Currently penning that horror tale.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
-
That will be a great read. Thanks for the review!
Comment from lancellot
This is very interesting. I would advise about it being mostly narrative.
notes:
"Now go to {sleep." he} growled. He had blown through like a tornado,
-sleep," he
One of my siblings must have been talking and he had mistakenly thought that it was I.
- Wait. Are you an adult here or child. You mention adult in the previous paragraph. I would change that to: child.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
|
This is very interesting. I would advise about it being mostly narrative.
notes:
"Now go to {sleep." he} growled. He had blown through like a tornado,
-sleep," he
One of my siblings must have been talking and he had mistakenly thought that it was I.
- Wait. Are you an adult here or child. You mention adult in the previous paragraph. I would change that to: child.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
-
Thanks. You have helped improve a couple of my products. I really appreciate it!
Comment from Susan Newell
Douglas,
This is some very powerful writing that just needs some minor clean-up. You would be surprised at how many similar experiences have found their way to posts on FanStory. Although it was nothing like you suffered, my father was a verbal abuser and his belt was used not with objective discipline, but subjective rage. We all get to determine how much we will allow such experiences to continue to control us, and when we break free to be our real selves, not what they attempt to define us to be through their actions.
I made some notes on the finer points.
Sue
'Captain and Toneal'. ==> The Captain and Tennille -- I'd italicize rather than use single quotation marks
The six of us kids would lay there, as quiet as church mice, ==> lie there
He called it the 'Round Robin'. -- no need for quotation marks; upper case suffices
What a price we paid for that .30 cent roll of toilet paper! ==> that 30-cent
"Great Basketball Incident" -- quotation marks not necessary
Dean Paul would make us play a game of "21" with him. He would run around, knocking us down, calling every basket that he hit his "Bread and Butter" shot. -- as above
and should never have went in, but it did. ==> have gone in
Dean Paul grabbed a fist full of my shirt ==> fistful
My days of being raised by a wife beating, thief, sneak, spy, abuser damaged me. -- stay parallel:
a wife-beater, thief, sneak, spy, abuser
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
|
Douglas,
This is some very powerful writing that just needs some minor clean-up. You would be surprised at how many similar experiences have found their way to posts on FanStory. Although it was nothing like you suffered, my father was a verbal abuser and his belt was used not with objective discipline, but subjective rage. We all get to determine how much we will allow such experiences to continue to control us, and when we break free to be our real selves, not what they attempt to define us to be through their actions.
I made some notes on the finer points.
Sue
'Captain and Toneal'. ==> The Captain and Tennille -- I'd italicize rather than use single quotation marks
The six of us kids would lay there, as quiet as church mice, ==> lie there
He called it the 'Round Robin'. -- no need for quotation marks; upper case suffices
What a price we paid for that .30 cent roll of toilet paper! ==> that 30-cent
"Great Basketball Incident" -- quotation marks not necessary
Dean Paul would make us play a game of "21" with him. He would run around, knocking us down, calling every basket that he hit his "Bread and Butter" shot. -- as above
and should never have went in, but it did. ==> have gone in
Dean Paul grabbed a fist full of my shirt ==> fistful
My days of being raised by a wife beating, thief, sneak, spy, abuser damaged me. -- stay parallel:
a wife-beater, thief, sneak, spy, abuser
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2022
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2022
-
Thank you so much. I really appreciate your help. Seems I have much to learn. I did get my first win on this site today so "go me!" Thank you so very much for taking the time to assist a new writer.
-
You are very welcome. Congratulations on the win!
