Ransom
What about Father?33 total reviews
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The objective correlative of your work reminisces the last visit of two sisters to their ailing father and how the trip turned out to be the last they would ever have with him alive.
The work highlights their arrival at the old house; their reminiscences of his health status; their dining together for the last time; their departure back to their respective homes; the phone call from Betty Ferguson that shattered their cool in the hospital and the lull that marked a perceived denouement.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with the last days of a man with his family.
Excellent work. Bravo.
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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The objective correlative of your work reminisces the last visit of two sisters to their ailing father and how the trip turned out to be the last they would ever have with him alive.
The work highlights their arrival at the old house; their reminiscences of his health status; their dining together for the last time; their departure back to their respective homes; the phone call from Betty Ferguson that shattered their cool in the hospital and the lull that marked a perceived denouement.
The work earns its texture through its effective use of anecdotes synonymous with the last days of a man with his family.
Excellent work. Bravo.
Comment Written 25-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you, Lloyd, for your in-depth comments, and all the stars! This story was, like all my fiction, part fiction and part of my life.
Thanks again, irish
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Remain Blessed.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I found this story to be a realistic and heartwarming slice-of-life tale of love and caring. The detailed descriptions are as clear and easy to envision as watching a movie. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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I found this story to be a realistic and heartwarming slice-of-life tale of love and caring. The detailed descriptions are as clear and easy to envision as watching a movie. Well done.
Comment Written 25-May-2022
reply by the author on 27-May-2022
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Thank you for reading, your kind comments, and all the stars! This story was partially a slice of my own life, and part fiction.
Thanks again, irish
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job writing this compassionate story, Irishauthorme.
I enjoyed reading it, though it was poignant. It's about life, and one
never knows what it will throw your way. Your characters were well-
defined, the action was good as was the progression. I liked the idea
of Mom's presence being there, and the way Jen felt it too. Your
words were descriptive with great imagery and details.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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You did a great job writing this compassionate story, Irishauthorme.
I enjoyed reading it, though it was poignant. It's about life, and one
never knows what it will throw your way. Your characters were well-
defined, the action was good as was the progression. I liked the idea
of Mom's presence being there, and the way Jen felt it too. Your
words were descriptive with great imagery and details.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Hi, Jan, Thank you for your in-depth reading, your encouraging comments, and all the stars! It was tough writing from my past, I edited and sought help for three months. Finally, at the urging of my muse (You know how that goes!) I posted before I ruined the whole thing.
Thanks again,
irish
Comment from karenina
What a fine story. Seamlessly braided fiction and non-fiction, I was so fully engaged, that I stopped thinking about that two paragraphs in. I think Terry's suggestion to you helped as I find this easy to read, in a larger font, and with well-separated paragraphs. "Ransom" is an intriguing name! I wonder if that part is true? The conversations ran smoothly--even the confrontation with the nurse ran true to my experience (as an RN)--families often act out a bit in such a difficult situation. Your ending is PERFECT!
Karenina
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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What a fine story. Seamlessly braided fiction and non-fiction, I was so fully engaged, that I stopped thinking about that two paragraphs in. I think Terry's suggestion to you helped as I find this easy to read, in a larger font, and with well-separated paragraphs. "Ransom" is an intriguing name! I wonder if that part is true? The conversations ran smoothly--even the confrontation with the nurse ran true to my experience (as an RN)--families often act out a bit in such a difficult situation. Your ending is PERFECT!
Karenina
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Hi Karenina, Thank you for reading, your in-depth comments, and all the stars! Because of the fiction-non-fiction mix, this story was tough to write, but my muse...well, you know. I really appreciate your encouragement, and also Terry's suggestions, they do make the story easier to read.
Cheers, irish
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Very endearing write... You have the "it" factor...it shows!
Comment from Whitewave
Iris,
I enjoyed your story, every bit of the way - a very believable mix of fiction and nonfiction. An occasional touch of light humor blended with real life drama and family connections. So true to life. Clever use of language and writing techniques. No complaints about your grammar.
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Iris,
I enjoyed your story, every bit of the way - a very believable mix of fiction and nonfiction. An occasional touch of light humor blended with real life drama and family connections. So true to life. Clever use of language and writing techniques. No complaints about your grammar.
Comment Written 22-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Wow, I am humbled by the galaxy of stars! Writing from my past was tough, took three months of editing and professional help before I posted, just in time before I hashed it to ruin. Thank you for reading and your encouraging comments!
irish
Comment from Sandra Nelms-Ludwig
This is a sad but beautiful story that reveals a lot about each character. It also reveals the frailties of humanity...aging, busy lives, divorce and family dynamics. It was rich with descriptive language.
The section where both sisters are talking needs to be set-up better. Typically, when dialogue is presented in a story each time a different character speaks a new paragraph is started /indented. to show the exchange. This allows the reader to follow the plot better.
I noticed alos in this section you repeated the word "took" close together. Keep the writing fresh by using synonyms in this case. For example.........
His daughters took (replace this took with held) his large, calloused hands as he said Grace. He took (then you could leave this one) half of a tuna fish sandwich off the platter, ............... I keep a thesaurus by my computer at all times when I am writing. I am an old, retired English teacher. LOL However, despite repeated action verbs this is a richly descriptive piece. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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This is a sad but beautiful story that reveals a lot about each character. It also reveals the frailties of humanity...aging, busy lives, divorce and family dynamics. It was rich with descriptive language.
The section where both sisters are talking needs to be set-up better. Typically, when dialogue is presented in a story each time a different character speaks a new paragraph is started /indented. to show the exchange. This allows the reader to follow the plot better.
I noticed alos in this section you repeated the word "took" close together. Keep the writing fresh by using synonyms in this case. For example.........
His daughters took (replace this took with held) his large, calloused hands as he said Grace. He took (then you could leave this one) half of a tuna fish sandwich off the platter, ............... I keep a thesaurus by my computer at all times when I am writing. I am an old, retired English teacher. LOL However, despite repeated action verbs this is a richly descriptive piece. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Hi, Sandra, thank you for reading, all the stars, and your great suggestions! I will go back and make some changes. I can see where the repeated words are a distraction and the paragraph changes would make the plot clearer to the reader. It is through reviews like yours that I am able to improve my writing.
irish
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You are most welcome.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a very good story and I'm glad Jen knew he arrived safely with their mom. You should probably divide the paragraphs to make it easier to read. You can do that under my post/edit/save. The first sentence in the second paragraph has too many clauses which makes it awkward to read. Otherwise, you have done a very good job writing this.
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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This is a very good story and I'm glad Jen knew he arrived safely with their mom. You should probably divide the paragraphs to make it easier to read. You can do that under my post/edit/save. The first sentence in the second paragraph has too many clauses which makes it awkward to read. Otherwise, you have done a very good job writing this.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Thank you, Carol, for reading, your advice, and all the stars! I will look at that sentence, and divide the paragraphs again.
irish
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was simply beautiful, sad, warm, happy, tearful, just beautiful. What a lovely story. You wrote it softly, naturally, and brought us into the kitchen where we share coffee with the sisters. Their dad was happy doing what he'd always done, and talking with their mum. I have no idea if your grammar was in any way wrong, the words in this just carried me through, and not wanting it to end. I even smiled when he went to be with their much loved mum. I loved it, I can't say that enough, I wish it was in a contest so I could vote for it. Well done, my friend, it was simply beautiful. Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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That was simply beautiful, sad, warm, happy, tearful, just beautiful. What a lovely story. You wrote it softly, naturally, and brought us into the kitchen where we share coffee with the sisters. Their dad was happy doing what he'd always done, and talking with their mum. I have no idea if your grammar was in any way wrong, the words in this just carried me through, and not wanting it to end. I even smiled when he went to be with their much loved mum. I loved it, I can't say that enough, I wish it was in a contest so I could vote for it. Well done, my friend, it was simply beautiful. Sandra xxx
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Hi Sandra, thank you for reading, your in-depth comments, and all the stars! Writing this story was hard, presenting the events from memory meant I had to compose from my heart. Spent three months on editing, finally enlisted the help of a retired English teacher, did some finals and finally posted before I ruined the story.
Thank you again, I appreciate your encouragement!
irish
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
You know the old term used by antique dealers, "Fresh to the market"?
Well this write fits right into that type of influence.
Strange how we call on our old memories and marry them into our writing - a mixture of truth and drama.
You wrote it well and it certainly stirred some memories along the way.
The dialogue carries the story along and allows it to be shown rather than told. An enjoyable read
All told, a good storyline. I daren't comment on punctuation because being British I am frequently being told that I use too many commas, and usually in the wrong places. Warmly,
Juliette
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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You know the old term used by antique dealers, "Fresh to the market"?
Well this write fits right into that type of influence.
Strange how we call on our old memories and marry them into our writing - a mixture of truth and drama.
You wrote it well and it certainly stirred some memories along the way.
The dialogue carries the story along and allows it to be shown rather than told. An enjoyable read
All told, a good storyline. I daren't comment on punctuation because being British I am frequently being told that I use too many commas, and usually in the wrong places. Warmly,
Juliette
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Hi, Juliette, thank you so much for reading, your in-depth comments, and the galaxy of stars! This was a difficult story to write because of the memories. The setting was real, and the people from my past. Writing good total fiction is fun, but writing from the heart is tough. I was three months editing and had a retired English teacher help, but still had some spags.
Thank again, from across the Pond!
irish
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
This is a lovely story. You do an excellent job of characterization by showing the reader who these people are with dialogue that rings true and description that is at times poetic. I know these people and I feel their grief. I think you do a good job of selecting specifics that tell the reader what you want them to know and also draw them into the story. Your grammar seemed fine to me, but I am hardly an expert. I hardly notice unless it's something striking and if I'd seen that, I would have said something. Great job. I enjoyed this and I am now a fan, so I'll be sure to read more.
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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This is a lovely story. You do an excellent job of characterization by showing the reader who these people are with dialogue that rings true and description that is at times poetic. I know these people and I feel their grief. I think you do a good job of selecting specifics that tell the reader what you want them to know and also draw them into the story. Your grammar seemed fine to me, but I am hardly an expert. I hardly notice unless it's something striking and if I'd seen that, I would have said something. Great job. I enjoyed this and I am now a fan, so I'll be sure to read more.
Comment Written 21-May-2022
reply by the author on 23-May-2022
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Thank you for your insight and in-depth comments, and all the stars!
Yes, part fiction, but the setting, the characters and the events came from my life. I have created characters in some of my past efforts, but find writing about people-and loved ones-I have actually known renders them more believable.
Wow, you are now a fan? Thank you, welcome, I hope I can live up to your expectations!
irish