Minnie and the Masons
A farm job.38 total reviews
Comment from karenina
Wow. What an incredible story! Truth IS stranger than fiction, for sure, and you've laid Minnie's story out in a concise, linear fashion yet a "tell the tale" tone that was comfortably paced and enjoyable.
If I had any suggestion it would be to remain in the past tense with the two sentences below--but I missed most of my grammar classes, (smile)--so really can't tell you WHY, other than it feels right to me.
"As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them">> As soon as Minnie met the little girls she was in love with them.<<
In only a few days, she feels the man is lazy. << In only a few, she felt the man was lazy. <<
(And this is why I should never try to critique the substance of prose!)
Anyway, Terry-- As always, I enjoy your writing!
Karenina
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Wow. What an incredible story! Truth IS stranger than fiction, for sure, and you've laid Minnie's story out in a concise, linear fashion yet a "tell the tale" tone that was comfortably paced and enjoyable.
If I had any suggestion it would be to remain in the past tense with the two sentences below--but I missed most of my grammar classes, (smile)--so really can't tell you WHY, other than it feels right to me.
"As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them">> As soon as Minnie met the little girls she was in love with them.<<
In only a few days, she feels the man is lazy. << In only a few, she felt the man was lazy. <<
(And this is why I should never try to critique the substance of prose!)
Anyway, Terry-- As always, I enjoy your writing!
Karenina
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you, I know I messed up the tenses, I will work on that. In fact, I knew when I did it, and still did it. LOL, Terry.
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I can relate!
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, If this is what you were told. But, I think the story has many issues. It is also mostly narration. It could use some work and reconsideration about this being a true tale.
notes:
She answered an ad in the Dallas News.
A widowed farmer in Southern Oklahoma
- That's very far, for a local ad to be. (I would rethink this)
his ad said he was a Mason. Masons were a {secret organization} but looked at favorably by folks in this part of the country.
- Suggest: secretive organization.
- It's not a secret if you advertise it in the paper.
As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them.
- you switched to present tense.
In only a few days, she feels the man is lazy.
-you switch again
Fortunately, Gil was sober.
- He's six. Is that surprising?
The still was in the barn.
- Why would you leave the customers, drunks, with the still?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Hmm, If this is what you were told. But, I think the story has many issues. It is also mostly narration. It could use some work and reconsideration about this being a true tale.
notes:
She answered an ad in the Dallas News.
A widowed farmer in Southern Oklahoma
- That's very far, for a local ad to be. (I would rethink this)
his ad said he was a Mason. Masons were a {secret organization} but looked at favorably by folks in this part of the country.
- Suggest: secretive organization.
- It's not a secret if you advertise it in the paper.
As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them.
- you switched to present tense.
In only a few days, she feels the man is lazy.
-you switch again
Fortunately, Gil was sober.
- He's six. Is that surprising?
The still was in the barn.
- Why would you leave the customers, drunks, with the still?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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That is the way my Grandmother told the story.
Southern Oklahoma is about 65 miles from Dallas. It was the closest population center. Not unusual at the time for that kind of ad.
Masons are secret about what they do, not secretive about being a member; they are proud of it; reaching 32-degree Mason status is the highest level. This is often celebrated and almost always mentioned in obits.
There is some question if this guy really was a mason. I don't know. I don't think Minnie knew; she just used what she had to work with.
I did change the tense. My lack of education and stupidity are the culprits, my apologies.
Why leave drunk customers with the still? I don't know, that is the way she told it. Maybe that was his business model.
Gil not being drunk is a valid question, but I think she was glad it wasn't worse.
I always thought this story could be flushed out in better detail and maybe add some stuff I know about the father of Gil and possibly be a screenplay for a movie.
When I posted the story, I asked Jay Squires to take a look. He liked the story's framework, but he said it was not the sort of script he writes and suggested I ask Judiverse or you to take a look.
Judi took a look this morning, had some suggestions, and thought it might be a possible script for a series.
Based on your review, I am guessing there is no reason for me to ask you.
Terry.
Comment from amahra
What a great and interesting story that was well written. It really held my attention. And Moonshine? I actually drank some many years ago while traveling with my inlaws in North Carolina. It tasted pretty good.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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What a great and interesting story that was well written. It really held my attention. And Moonshine? I actually drank some many years ago while traveling with my inlaws in North Carolina. It tasted pretty good.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you for the review, and you are braver than me to try that moonshine! Terry.
Comment from Annette R.
Very interesting story and well told. Held my attention. The only suggestion I have is a colon before Moonshine. made his living: Moonshine. Up to you of course.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Very interesting story and well told. Held my attention. The only suggestion I have is a colon before Moonshine. made his living: Moonshine. Up to you of course.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much, I do appreciate your review and suggestion. Terry.
Comment from judiverse
Hi, Terry. After reading this, I see it more as a TV series, maybe on the order of "The Waltons." It has an episodic feel about it, and you could build not only on how the mother gets to Miles, Texas, but how she and her son get along after they move. The time frame also adds interest to the story. I see it's got a good number of reviews, so that speaks well for the interest in the subject matter. Try working with more dialogue, as you'll need that for a television script. Bounce your scripts off on FanStory and see what happens. Then start looking for magazines and books for help on getting your material produced. Best of luck. judi
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Hi, Terry. After reading this, I see it more as a TV series, maybe on the order of "The Waltons." It has an episodic feel about it, and you could build not only on how the mother gets to Miles, Texas, but how she and her son get along after they move. The time frame also adds interest to the story. I see it's got a good number of reviews, so that speaks well for the interest in the subject matter. Try working with more dialogue, as you'll need that for a television script. Bounce your scripts off on FanStory and see what happens. Then start looking for magazines and books for help on getting your material produced. Best of luck. judi
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much, Judi. That is excellent input. I had not thought of that angle. You have given me much to think about! Terry.
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You're welcome. You could have the debut focusing on her getting the job and the moonshiner guy who doesn't keep his promise. Try putting it in script form and work on developing the dialogue. judi
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As we say in the south, you are a peach! Thank you.
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You're welcome. My brother lives in Georgia, close to the Florida state line. judi
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like the catchy introduction or beginning of this fiction, reality is more than fiction, taletelling of movements is likeable, the dialogues are realistic, characters are simply and naturally realistic; ends has restricted curiosity for next chapter; well said, well done; post god speed more; positively encouraging editing, negatively not wording, forgiving errors of theist-good authors-writers. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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I like the catchy introduction or beginning of this fiction, reality is more than fiction, taletelling of movements is likeable, the dialogues are realistic, characters are simply and naturally realistic; ends has restricted curiosity for next chapter; well said, well done; post god speed more; positively encouraging editing, negatively not wording, forgiving errors of theist-good authors-writers. ALCREATOR LITT DEAR (D R)
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you for your review, I did try to tell it in a straightforward simple style. It is nonfiction, Grandmother told this in 1977 shortly before she died. She was a God-fearing woman, not prone to exaggeration. Terry
Comment from Tom Horonzy
What a horribly interesting story. You captured me from beginning to end.
And this is, with your hand on scriptures, true to the best of your ability and recollection? :-)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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What a horribly interesting story. You captured me from beginning to end.
And this is, with your hand on scriptures, true to the best of your ability and recollection? :-)
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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Thank you very much for reading, reviewing, and the six stars!! It is indeed true, as far as I know. She told me this story in 1977 a few months before she died. Terry.
Comment from K.L. Rockquemore
I enjoyed reading this well written story set in1925. The dialogue is well written and reads authentically.
I would consider rephrasing "Indians" to Native Americans or Indigenous people. Belonging to the Choctaw tribe, it would be more culturally correct.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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I enjoyed reading this well written story set in1925. The dialogue is well written and reads authentically.
I would consider rephrasing "Indians" to Native Americans or Indigenous people. Belonging to the Choctaw tribe, it would be more culturally correct.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2022
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The setting was 1925, sorry to disappoint. Terry.
Comment from Mary Vigasin
I truly enjoyed meeting Minnie in this well-told story. She was a strong determined woman who was not about to be taken advantage of.
It was told matter of factly and simply. My guess is that it can be expanded at some time to include more action, descriptions, and images of the town and people in a book form.
Best wishes,
Mary
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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I truly enjoyed meeting Minnie in this well-told story. She was a strong determined woman who was not about to be taken advantage of.
It was told matter of factly and simply. My guess is that it can be expanded at some time to include more action, descriptions, and images of the town and people in a book form.
Best wishes,
Mary
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Thank you, I am getting too old, but I did see as a screen play maybe a movie. Terry
Comment from K. Lang-Slattery
I like your story because of Minnie's strength and determination. I like this sentence, "Fortune was working as a waitress and hooking up with a fellow twenty years older who was a sometimes short-order cook and full-time thief." as it says a lot.
. "As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them." There is a tense change in this sentence. Also you say Minnie loves the little girls, but we never hear of them again. Are they important or not? You can choose to drop them or make less of Minnie's feeling for them or (perhaps) include something about how Minnie hated leaving them in order to add tension to the end of the story (there is plenty already, but more can't hurt).
There is a lot of potential here, but I would love to see it fleshed out with some sensual details (you can imagine the look and feel of things and how Minnie would react.) as well as Minnie's feelings at the time. Do no be afraid to use your imagination for sensual details that will make the story better. You tend to write in short concise sentences and these can be great, especially for some ideas. I encourage you to try using more variety in the length and complexity of sentence structure; some longer, some short and concise as sentence variety can help keep a reader engaged.
Also try showing Minnie's feeling rather than telling. "Minnie was appalled." This is telling. To show, describe her actions (did she stamp her foot? Hold her hands over her face? Turn away and run back to the house?), facial expressions, or tone of voice. This will go a long way to revealing Minnie's character before the final paragraphs, which I would have enjoyed.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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I like your story because of Minnie's strength and determination. I like this sentence, "Fortune was working as a waitress and hooking up with a fellow twenty years older who was a sometimes short-order cook and full-time thief." as it says a lot.
. "As soon as Minnie meets the little girls she's in love with them." There is a tense change in this sentence. Also you say Minnie loves the little girls, but we never hear of them again. Are they important or not? You can choose to drop them or make less of Minnie's feeling for them or (perhaps) include something about how Minnie hated leaving them in order to add tension to the end of the story (there is plenty already, but more can't hurt).
There is a lot of potential here, but I would love to see it fleshed out with some sensual details (you can imagine the look and feel of things and how Minnie would react.) as well as Minnie's feelings at the time. Do no be afraid to use your imagination for sensual details that will make the story better. You tend to write in short concise sentences and these can be great, especially for some ideas. I encourage you to try using more variety in the length and complexity of sentence structure; some longer, some short and concise as sentence variety can help keep a reader engaged.
Also try showing Minnie's feeling rather than telling. "Minnie was appalled." This is telling. To show, describe her actions (did she stamp her foot? Hold her hands over her face? Turn away and run back to the house?), facial expressions, or tone of voice. This will go a long way to revealing Minnie's character before the final paragraphs, which I would have enjoyed.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Thank you for your review and your suggestions. I do not necessarily disagree with your suggestions, but I am not that writer.
I have felt since I heard this story over 45 years ago that it might be the potential plot for a movie. The more I learned about my grandfather; I thought it offered additional details that could make the story even better.
When I posted this story, I asked Jay Squires to take a look at it as a possible base for a screenplay. Jay is a premier scriptwriter on FanStory. He responded with a very favorable review, and he thinks it could be a framework for a movie screenplay. But he does not write those, and he suggested a couple of other writers to contact.
All of that goes to say this: the things you suggest can be flushed out by a screenwriter. I am not that person, and we will see where it goes. Thank You, Terry.
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Good luck on your project. I agree it would make a fine movie.