Quick Reads
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "My Origin Story?"A Flash Fiction Collection
29 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
I was only twelve, but whatever. He was talking. [Your timing of this line was beautiful.]
Seeing as you take after your mother in the brains department. [This sentence helps solidify what the reader is thinking ... that the narrator was his dad's prisoner's son. All the clues, right up to the sex scene, that you give to support that conclusion all add to the dramatic reversal in the last few paragraphs.
You constructed this brilliantly, Lance. It's got a lot more going for it than the other "sentence starts the story" story I read (by one of FS's top contest moneymakers).
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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I was only twelve, but whatever. He was talking. [Your timing of this line was beautiful.]
Seeing as you take after your mother in the brains department. [This sentence helps solidify what the reader is thinking ... that the narrator was his dad's prisoner's son. All the clues, right up to the sex scene, that you give to support that conclusion all add to the dramatic reversal in the last few paragraphs.
You constructed this brilliantly, Lance. It's got a lot more going for it than the other "sentence starts the story" story I read (by one of FS's top contest moneymakers).
Comment Written 18-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2022
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Thank you, Jay.
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Yep.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Love this war story told to a 12 year old. You did an excellent job and certainly kept me entertained. I didn't see one error. I hope you have a great evening. Shirley
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Love this war story told to a 12 year old. You did an excellent job and certainly kept me entertained. I didn't see one error. I hope you have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 17-Jan-2022
Comment from BethShelby
As far as the story goes It seems the twelve year old doesn't need to calm and down and hasn't ask how he came to be. Two cans of beer seems to have loosened dad tongue to relate a story that has nothing to do with the subject at hand other than maybe he was so ugly he might have remained a virgin and if he hadn't had this remarkable encounter. The actual origin took up one sentence. It is likely not a good idea to bring a girl over to meet the folks, especially pop who does even know how old his kid is. It is an amusing satire.
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As far as the story goes It seems the twelve year old doesn't need to calm and down and hasn't ask how he came to be. Two cans of beer seems to have loosened dad tongue to relate a story that has nothing to do with the subject at hand other than maybe he was so ugly he might have remained a virgin and if he hadn't had this remarkable encounter. The actual origin took up one sentence. It is likely not a good idea to bring a girl over to meet the folks, especially pop who does even know how old his kid is. It is an amusing satire.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2022
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This was a suspenseful story. You created a compelling setting to create the characters and plot.The reader was led to believe that that lady was the speaker's mother. What a funny twist to the story. Well done.
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This was a suspenseful story. You created a compelling setting to create the characters and plot.The reader was led to believe that that lady was the speaker's mother. What a funny twist to the story. Well done.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2022
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is so funny, it's like something I read in Playboy (my husband loved those and I liked the stories back in the sixties and seventies). I'm relieved it wasn't your life story. It should do very well in the contest.
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This is so funny, it's like something I read in Playboy (my husband loved those and I liked the stories back in the sixties and seventies). I'm relieved it wasn't your life story. It should do very well in the contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
Comment from Mary Shifman
Well, the kid's dad is an oddball for sure. Maybe he had one too many beers. Anyway, your story is entertaining and I enjoyed it. I confess I was wondering how he got woman #1 out of Vietnam. Good luck in thee contest.
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Well, the kid's dad is an oddball for sure. Maybe he had one too many beers. Anyway, your story is entertaining and I enjoyed it. I confess I was wondering how he got woman #1 out of Vietnam. Good luck in thee contest.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
Comment from zanya
A story told with a wonderful sense of humor and deference for the ears of the young listener - the storyteller's art really shines through here - any more stories to come ?
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A story told with a wonderful sense of humor and deference for the ears of the young listener - the storyteller's art really shines through here - any more stories to come ?
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
Comment from Ethan Vandervelden
This was great! I was easily about to imagine the boy tugging at his dad's arm for the story and him leaning back to tell it. I like the imagery and think it was a well told story. The characters were believable and really fun!
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This was great! I was easily about to imagine the boy tugging at his dad's arm for the story and him leaning back to tell it. I like the imagery and think it was a well told story. The characters were believable and really fun!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
Comment from Spitfire
This deserves a ten. I laughed from beginning to end. My favorite part is where she takes hold of his Johnson... Apparently, the woman he married did too. :-)
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This deserves a ten. I laughed from beginning to end. My favorite part is where she takes hold of his Johnson... Apparently, the woman he married did too. :-)
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022
Comment from Terry Broxson
LOL. Well, this one is certainly up to your usual standards, funny, witty, irreverent, and a bunch of other words I can't spell, and spell check doesn't know. I like the characters and the situation is very creative. Good work.
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LOL. Well, this one is certainly up to your usual standards, funny, witty, irreverent, and a bunch of other words I can't spell, and spell check doesn't know. I like the characters and the situation is very creative. Good work.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2022