Fleeting Nuances
Lost love reborn in international Narco enforcement.24 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Your vocabulary appears even more limitless with every story or chapter that I read. You may have very well missed your calling, but luckily for us readers, you've found the time to write now. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
  |
Your vocabulary appears even more limitless with every story or chapter that I read. You may have very well missed your calling, but luckily for us readers, you've found the time to write now. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Ric, for your kind words. Yes, I have been badgered by many over the years but, my lust for adventure forced me to shelve my prose until such a time as this. I have kept copious mental notes, as we all should. And in so doing, I try to reflect the truth of circumstance without salacious gibberish. Not only for the reader but also for my own well being. I don't have enough room between my ears or in my soul to keep it all inside. Lucky you. Yard.
Comment from Mary Shifman
Wow! I was totally engrossed in this first chapter. I was, understandably, I think, disappointed that Elyse was killed straight away. Are you going to post more chapters or is this just a sample to whet our appetites for your forthcoming book? Either way, I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
|
Wow! I was totally engrossed in this first chapter. I was, understandably, I think, disappointed that Elyse was killed straight away. Are you going to post more chapters or is this just a sample to whet our appetites for your forthcoming book? Either way, I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Mary. No, Elyse is in a coma in a secure ICU. Hopefully, whoever tried to kill her won't find her again. Yard.
-
Okay! You had me going there. I'm glad and hope she comes around. I look forward to reading more. Thanks for the update.
Comment from Sherry Asbury
Talk about edge of your seat! This has power, quiet drama, romance and mystery...just for starters. Most excellent reader-hook that plays like a fishing line...letting you grasp a bit and reeling you in until you forget where you are. I shall follow this one for sure!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
 |
Talk about edge of your seat! This has power, quiet drama, romance and mystery...just for starters. Most excellent reader-hook that plays like a fishing line...letting you grasp a bit and reeling you in until you forget where you are. I shall follow this one for sure!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you so much, Sherry!. Got you hook line and sinker (;-) Yard.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Okay, I have entered this first chapter contest. I doubt I will even post mine. There's no way I can beat this chapter. It has everything. I loved it.
Don't think about it.He admonished himself, (space needed after 'it.")
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
|
Okay, I have entered this first chapter contest. I doubt I will even post mine. There's no way I can beat this chapter. It has everything. I loved it.
Don't think about it.He admonished himself, (space needed after 'it.")
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
That is saying a lot, my friend. I tip my hat to you. You're the Master Madam of all things grammatical. I'm just an old guy trying to remember stuff. Yard
-
You have a great story started here.
-
My little romance is nothing compared to it.
Comment from Susan Newell
Yard,
I wish I had a seven for this. Crime and mystery isn't my thing, but you held me spellbound throughout. You made me feel the dichotomies of the "secret" world, and see the scars left by having to go against nature with lies and deceit. I have made some proofing notes and pulled out a few of the many really great examples of word smithing. I sure hope there will be follow-up chapters.
Sue
Finally, she opened the entry door and paused. -- entry door is a little confusing since she is in the living room -- door to the deck?
but his thoughts and emotions were like waves of a confused sea. -- really nice; I like the personification of the sea
and destruction that nearly killed him twice, once by the Taliban mortars and then by the news Elyse had died in the attack. -- seems a little awkward; the "by" seems a little off; can't really put my finger on it, but seems like "at the hands of" and "upon hearing the news" would be better -- I don't know ???
desperately trying to dial-in a field radio -- is hyphen needed?
bringing with it livid pictures of combat dancing between decades. -- vivid?
Worse than the Taliban mortars was the unmistakable click of an unseen enemy dialing in Eric's position as if somebody had already reconned his location. -- spectacular
And yet she had been killed, but now is back. ==> was back
Each morning he woke to find a slippery slope greased with mistrust and confusion waiting for him to make one slight misstep. -- wonderful
Dr. Jim Beam and Doctors Smith and Wesson were all the help he needed. -- very nice
Don't think about it.He admonished -- missing space
him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and lie on her side. ==> lay on her side (I often have to look those up)
He undressed and lie beside her -- as above
Something other than her supple body had aroused him. -- I like this expression of a sixth sense.
Instantly she went on alert. What is it, what is wrong? she thought. She had heard nothing - only the creaking of the door in the wind - the open door! In their delight, they had been careless. Her heart began to change its beat from passion to one of fear. She needed to tell him something now, but he had already made his move. -- you jumped point of view. Maybe separate this paragraph with asterisks?
A sudden gust of wind slammed the door shut! -- Exclamation point detracts. (Nice foreshadowing of the door being shut on his love.)
Aquarium is beyond spectacular.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
|
Yard,
I wish I had a seven for this. Crime and mystery isn't my thing, but you held me spellbound throughout. You made me feel the dichotomies of the "secret" world, and see the scars left by having to go against nature with lies and deceit. I have made some proofing notes and pulled out a few of the many really great examples of word smithing. I sure hope there will be follow-up chapters.
Sue
Finally, she opened the entry door and paused. -- entry door is a little confusing since she is in the living room -- door to the deck?
but his thoughts and emotions were like waves of a confused sea. -- really nice; I like the personification of the sea
and destruction that nearly killed him twice, once by the Taliban mortars and then by the news Elyse had died in the attack. -- seems a little awkward; the "by" seems a little off; can't really put my finger on it, but seems like "at the hands of" and "upon hearing the news" would be better -- I don't know ???
desperately trying to dial-in a field radio -- is hyphen needed?
bringing with it livid pictures of combat dancing between decades. -- vivid?
Worse than the Taliban mortars was the unmistakable click of an unseen enemy dialing in Eric's position as if somebody had already reconned his location. -- spectacular
And yet she had been killed, but now is back. ==> was back
Each morning he woke to find a slippery slope greased with mistrust and confusion waiting for him to make one slight misstep. -- wonderful
Dr. Jim Beam and Doctors Smith and Wesson were all the help he needed. -- very nice
Don't think about it.He admonished -- missing space
him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and lie on her side. ==> lay on her side (I often have to look those up)
He undressed and lie beside her -- as above
Something other than her supple body had aroused him. -- I like this expression of a sixth sense.
Instantly she went on alert. What is it, what is wrong? she thought. She had heard nothing - only the creaking of the door in the wind - the open door! In their delight, they had been careless. Her heart began to change its beat from passion to one of fear. She needed to tell him something now, but he had already made his move. -- you jumped point of view. Maybe separate this paragraph with asterisks?
A sudden gust of wind slammed the door shut! -- Exclamation point detracts. (Nice foreshadowing of the door being shut on his love.)
Aquarium is beyond spectacular.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you so much, Sue. I appreciate your insight and sharing. Your constructive criticism is helping become a better writer. Yard
-
You are very welcome.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Excellent entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest! The storyline is captivating and held my attention and the characters interact perfectly fine together throughout the piece;-)
Thank you for sharing this well written piece and may God bless you and your family this New Year!
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
|
Excellent entry for the A First Book Chapter contest and best of wishes in the contest! The storyline is captivating and held my attention and the characters interact perfectly fine together throughout the piece;-)
Thank you for sharing this well written piece and may God bless you and your family this New Year!
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Melodie, for your kind review and interest. Yard.
-
;-)
Comment from SimianSavant
Hi! You have put a lot of effort into this. It starts out quite well. In order to keep your audience, I think some drastic measures are needed to make this piece more focused. Basically you are trying to do too much in one scene, achieving with words what a film might be able to do in one scene, but I don't think it is working in this medium for you, yet. There is a lot to cover but I will try to give you an idea. I do think with a bit of reworking you could make this piece pretty good.
=> He held his breath, savoring the rich tobacco, AND rode the nicotine hit until his eyes cleared, THEN relaxed as he waited for her. <= to keep this sentence from a perception of elongation resembling a run-on, I suggest one of the following:
1-..tobacco, riding the nicotine
2-..eyes cleared, relaxing
3-.. tobacco, rode the nicotine hit until his eyes cleared, and relaxed as he waited for her. This is the simplest fix.
Examples 1 and 2 provide the sentence better clarity on the emphasis of your predicate phrase by picking one verb. since both of these verbs are fairly passive, picking one then using the other to emphasize it as a sort of adjective works better for you. 3 makes both verbs more active, and function equally, but it is a little bit less interesting as a phrase.
Elyse Cartier did not disappoint. <= this isn't a bad line but it is showing, not telling. Just my opinion but I think your piece has better suspense and connection to the following paragraph without this line.
thoughts buried five years ago were *now* emerging <= NOW is redundant. Also, just be aware that this sentence is passive voice.
The aroma of tobacco had beckoned her <= passive voice
All-day <= all day. The only instance in which you would combine these two words with a hyphen is when they are used together as an adjective, for example, "an all-day meeting"
She stepped onto the deck * I suggest inserting a comma here*
determined but cautious.
He stubbed out his cigarette, turned, and faced Elyse, *the love of his life*
<= UGH!! Don't do this!! This is a quintessential example of showing, not telling. It is over-the-top schmaltzy and robs the reader of all suspense and anticipation. Show the reader how she is the love of his life.
She exuded grace and was intelligent and beautiful. <= and you were doing so well before this. Don't do this sentence either. It is cringeworthy and you are a better writer than this.
The rest of this paragraph is doing the same thing, showing not telling. Scrap this paragraph. You're going to have to work hard on this. Go straight from:
*He stubbed out his cigarette, turned, and faced Elyse.*
to:
*Avoiding his inquisitive and wounded eyes, Elyse tipped her head forward, stepped in close, and gave his hand a warm squeeze.*
No gap in between. Now your reader has things to wonder about.
Delicately, she demanded and tenderly reminded him of an intimate joke they shared on their honeymoon. "Teach me, Luv, how to speak Chinese." <= this is a mix of showing and telling, and still makes me cringe. It feels like the reader is not supposed to be there to hear this. Also writing *Luv* does not make any sense in conversation because it is phonetically equivalent to the correct spelling *Love*. So why use the incorrect one?
He had been promised the world <= overwrought, telling now showing
I would scrap this whole paragraph and skip straight to *she wrapped her arms around his body*, but if you want to preserve more of your writing, skip to *Confused garbled radio chatter drifted in and out through the static* etc.
through the charcoal sky <= I suggest leaving out the word charcoal; I think it is overwrought
They embraced <= end right here. You don't need this other stuff. => each other with urgency, clutching for security, stability, and clarity.
Four heartbeats and thunder murmured close. <= overwrought
Unable to come to a coherent reason for her reappearance after all these years, <= get rid of the left. Keep the right => Eric paused, then took a long deep breath and let it escape slowly, <= keep the left, get rid of the right => not quite a sigh, more like a silent cry of surrender.
=>
Elyse's lips brushed Eric's temple, then rested lightly upon his cheek. Again, the silent cry. He gazed into her eyes and suddenly did not care why or how it was she came to be in his arms again, only that she was.
Another bolt of lightning cut through the thick black night as a clap of thunder exploded overhead, then silence.
One heartbeat, two heartbeats - and then the rain began to fall lightly, sweetly caressing their faces as their lips met. <= condense these three paragraphs into one short one.
And, as suddenly as lightning and thunder once again split the sky, shaking the deck with insistence, they dashed into the house through the open door. <= good! Much better. Get rid of the rest of this paragraph. Bridge this with action only and skip ahead to: => Gently and without a word, Elyse led him to the pale blue bedroom dimly lit by a night light. The rest of this paragraph is good except for the last sentence. End on * understand the nuances it offered *
So after this your piece goes into a bunch of other stuff. I think you should split this other material off into a separate chapter, or several chapters. Mixing them does not work well together the way it is currently constructed, at least in my opinion. Skip ahead to:
He walked to her and peeled off his wet t-shirt.
Ok just a couple small things here:
and lie on her side. <= it's laid or lay, I am not sure which, but not lie
He undressed and lie <= same thing
for the first time in five years <= get rid of this clause
each other's body <= bodies
Something other than her supple body had aroused him. <= this one is OK to keep. And you have done a good job of keeping focused on the action here
Her heart began to change its beat from passion to one of fear. <= show don't tell
A sudden gust of wind etc -- this paragraph is workable, just omit:
His instincts warned him; someone had been here! (Telling not showing)
His gaze settled upon the aquarium - with a silent gasp, he froze. The fish were dead, all of them! <= OK this is getting interesting
Then without warning, the sick muffled report of a supressed weapon shattered the bedroom window! <= wait, is the window hit by the bullet? Did it hit both Elyse and the windows? Elyse's body jolted at the violent action of the bullet exploding into her back, forcing her eyes wide with horror and realization. <= Great sentence
Unable to move <= keep l omit => and fearful he was going to fall and pull her into a chasm of darkness, he was startled when <= omit l keep => he heard someone run from the shattered window across the deck.
Ending is interesting.
I hope I haven't been too harsh with my rating, and that this is helpful in showing you the potential your piece has. I hope you will edit this and message me so I can re-examine it. Curious to see where it is all heading.
Best,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
 |
Hi! You have put a lot of effort into this. It starts out quite well. In order to keep your audience, I think some drastic measures are needed to make this piece more focused. Basically you are trying to do too much in one scene, achieving with words what a film might be able to do in one scene, but I don't think it is working in this medium for you, yet. There is a lot to cover but I will try to give you an idea. I do think with a bit of reworking you could make this piece pretty good.
=> He held his breath, savoring the rich tobacco, AND rode the nicotine hit until his eyes cleared, THEN relaxed as he waited for her. <= to keep this sentence from a perception of elongation resembling a run-on, I suggest one of the following:
1-..tobacco, riding the nicotine
2-..eyes cleared, relaxing
3-.. tobacco, rode the nicotine hit until his eyes cleared, and relaxed as he waited for her. This is the simplest fix.
Examples 1 and 2 provide the sentence better clarity on the emphasis of your predicate phrase by picking one verb. since both of these verbs are fairly passive, picking one then using the other to emphasize it as a sort of adjective works better for you. 3 makes both verbs more active, and function equally, but it is a little bit less interesting as a phrase.
Elyse Cartier did not disappoint. <= this isn't a bad line but it is showing, not telling. Just my opinion but I think your piece has better suspense and connection to the following paragraph without this line.
thoughts buried five years ago were *now* emerging <= NOW is redundant. Also, just be aware that this sentence is passive voice.
The aroma of tobacco had beckoned her <= passive voice
All-day <= all day. The only instance in which you would combine these two words with a hyphen is when they are used together as an adjective, for example, "an all-day meeting"
She stepped onto the deck * I suggest inserting a comma here*
determined but cautious.
He stubbed out his cigarette, turned, and faced Elyse, *the love of his life*
<= UGH!! Don't do this!! This is a quintessential example of showing, not telling. It is over-the-top schmaltzy and robs the reader of all suspense and anticipation. Show the reader how she is the love of his life.
She exuded grace and was intelligent and beautiful. <= and you were doing so well before this. Don't do this sentence either. It is cringeworthy and you are a better writer than this.
The rest of this paragraph is doing the same thing, showing not telling. Scrap this paragraph. You're going to have to work hard on this. Go straight from:
*He stubbed out his cigarette, turned, and faced Elyse.*
to:
*Avoiding his inquisitive and wounded eyes, Elyse tipped her head forward, stepped in close, and gave his hand a warm squeeze.*
No gap in between. Now your reader has things to wonder about.
Delicately, she demanded and tenderly reminded him of an intimate joke they shared on their honeymoon. "Teach me, Luv, how to speak Chinese." <= this is a mix of showing and telling, and still makes me cringe. It feels like the reader is not supposed to be there to hear this. Also writing *Luv* does not make any sense in conversation because it is phonetically equivalent to the correct spelling *Love*. So why use the incorrect one?
He had been promised the world <= overwrought, telling now showing
I would scrap this whole paragraph and skip straight to *she wrapped her arms around his body*, but if you want to preserve more of your writing, skip to *Confused garbled radio chatter drifted in and out through the static* etc.
through the charcoal sky <= I suggest leaving out the word charcoal; I think it is overwrought
They embraced <= end right here. You don't need this other stuff. => each other with urgency, clutching for security, stability, and clarity.
Four heartbeats and thunder murmured close. <= overwrought
Unable to come to a coherent reason for her reappearance after all these years, <= get rid of the left. Keep the right => Eric paused, then took a long deep breath and let it escape slowly, <= keep the left, get rid of the right => not quite a sigh, more like a silent cry of surrender.
=>
Elyse's lips brushed Eric's temple, then rested lightly upon his cheek. Again, the silent cry. He gazed into her eyes and suddenly did not care why or how it was she came to be in his arms again, only that she was.
Another bolt of lightning cut through the thick black night as a clap of thunder exploded overhead, then silence.
One heartbeat, two heartbeats - and then the rain began to fall lightly, sweetly caressing their faces as their lips met. <= condense these three paragraphs into one short one.
And, as suddenly as lightning and thunder once again split the sky, shaking the deck with insistence, they dashed into the house through the open door. <= good! Much better. Get rid of the rest of this paragraph. Bridge this with action only and skip ahead to: => Gently and without a word, Elyse led him to the pale blue bedroom dimly lit by a night light. The rest of this paragraph is good except for the last sentence. End on * understand the nuances it offered *
So after this your piece goes into a bunch of other stuff. I think you should split this other material off into a separate chapter, or several chapters. Mixing them does not work well together the way it is currently constructed, at least in my opinion. Skip ahead to:
He walked to her and peeled off his wet t-shirt.
Ok just a couple small things here:
and lie on her side. <= it's laid or lay, I am not sure which, but not lie
He undressed and lie <= same thing
for the first time in five years <= get rid of this clause
each other's body <= bodies
Something other than her supple body had aroused him. <= this one is OK to keep. And you have done a good job of keeping focused on the action here
Her heart began to change its beat from passion to one of fear. <= show don't tell
A sudden gust of wind etc -- this paragraph is workable, just omit:
His instincts warned him; someone had been here! (Telling not showing)
His gaze settled upon the aquarium - with a silent gasp, he froze. The fish were dead, all of them! <= OK this is getting interesting
Then without warning, the sick muffled report of a supressed weapon shattered the bedroom window! <= wait, is the window hit by the bullet? Did it hit both Elyse and the windows? Elyse's body jolted at the violent action of the bullet exploding into her back, forcing her eyes wide with horror and realization. <= Great sentence
Unable to move <= keep l omit => and fearful he was going to fall and pull her into a chasm of darkness, he was startled when <= omit l keep => he heard someone run from the shattered window across the deck.
Ending is interesting.
I hope I haven't been too harsh with my rating, and that this is helpful in showing you the potential your piece has. I hope you will edit this and message me so I can re-examine it. Curious to see where it is all heading.
Best,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, sir, for your in-depth review and suggestions. It was not harsh at all. I welcome all constructive criticism, yours was more in-depth than most and offered another point of view. Thanks again for taking the time. Yard.
Comment from Jay Squires
Well ... I have no doubt about the success of this entry in the contest. It is brilliantly written, some scenes sumptuously described while maintaining a delicate pace between developing tension and its release, more tension, more release ... until the final release that came as a gut-punch with the shot that killed Elyse.
Here are some notes I took as I read:
His gaze followed the exhaled smoke across the yard and over the neat white picket fence, where it settled upon the roofs of similar houses. [What settled? The smoke or his gaze? Logically, I know the answer, but the language doesn't support it. Yet it is such a dynamic image.]
He heard her pumps click rhythmically as she walked across the varnished hardwood floor of the living room. [This bothered me, but only a little, in that it is an auditory description, and to me "varnished" didn't fit. I don't believe a varnished floor gives off a diffent "click" than an unvarnished one. Again ... minor.]
He expected, hoped really, the door would close on its own, close tight behind them and lock itself securely. [Expecting, I can understand, even hoping, if you stopped at "close tight behind them". But Eric is no fool. How could he expect, or hope, the door would lock itself?! ]
enticed him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and lie on her side. He undressed and lie beside her [The correct past tense is "lay" not "lie": "... as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and LAY on her side. He undressed and "LAY beside herl"]
But damn, man! This is some beautiful prose you've written, and a superb first chapter to a novel. Good luck!
Jay
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
|
Well ... I have no doubt about the success of this entry in the contest. It is brilliantly written, some scenes sumptuously described while maintaining a delicate pace between developing tension and its release, more tension, more release ... until the final release that came as a gut-punch with the shot that killed Elyse.
Here are some notes I took as I read:
His gaze followed the exhaled smoke across the yard and over the neat white picket fence, where it settled upon the roofs of similar houses. [What settled? The smoke or his gaze? Logically, I know the answer, but the language doesn't support it. Yet it is such a dynamic image.]
He heard her pumps click rhythmically as she walked across the varnished hardwood floor of the living room. [This bothered me, but only a little, in that it is an auditory description, and to me "varnished" didn't fit. I don't believe a varnished floor gives off a diffent "click" than an unvarnished one. Again ... minor.]
He expected, hoped really, the door would close on its own, close tight behind them and lock itself securely. [Expecting, I can understand, even hoping, if you stopped at "close tight behind them". But Eric is no fool. How could he expect, or hope, the door would lock itself?! ]
enticed him as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and lie on her side. He undressed and lie beside her [The correct past tense is "lay" not "lie": "... as she pulled her legs over the side of the bed and LAY on her side. He undressed and "LAY beside herl"]
But damn, man! This is some beautiful prose you've written, and a superb first chapter to a novel. Good luck!
Jay
Comment Written 05-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Jay, for taking the time to review and provide solid constructive criticism. All the best to you. Yard.
Comment from irishauthorme
Wow. Kept me on the edge of my chair all the way through.
Know there has to be a sequel to this!
Good characters that leaped off the page, and good narrative, keeping the tension up.
Tragedy to lose Elyse, perhaps she didn't really die?
Good last lines, very realistic reaction.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
|
Wow. Kept me on the edge of my chair all the way through.
Know there has to be a sequel to this!
Good characters that leaped off the page, and good narrative, keeping the tension up.
Tragedy to lose Elyse, perhaps she didn't really die?
Good last lines, very realistic reaction.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 04-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Irish. Ah, yes. the mystery of Elyse and the gold key.... (;-)
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, this is an amazing first chapter, Yard! Your imagery, your dialogue and the emotions and tensions draw your reader right in. I have no suggestions for any improvements. I'll be watching for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
|
Wow, this is an amazing first chapter, Yard! Your imagery, your dialogue and the emotions and tensions draw your reader right in. I have no suggestions for any improvements. I'll be watching for the next chapter.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2022
-
Thank you, Judy!
-
You?re welcome, Yard. Sorry I didn?t have a six left.