Leave of Absence
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Reflections of the Lost"Troopers life spins out of control over his family
13 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
Fascinating chapter, Forest (?). I especially like your command of backstory to add dimension to the present action. Luke is a strong character. Crystal would be if her true personality was allowed to blossom. Right now she is only "alive" between fixes. Spike is a slug! But it's thanks to you that I hate him and all he stands for.
Here are a few thoughts as I read along:
Crystal caught another glimpse of the ghost in the motel mirror. Vacant eyes, vanilla face, sharp bones on thin skin, but it was her-trapped inside. She fell and spread on the bed in her sports bra and cut-off jeans. Resigned. [Evocative and compelling first paragraph!]
He controlled her from day one, and with her love for him, she'd do anything-anything. [May I suggest here the use of an EM-dash, not a hyphen to emphasize "anything" through separation. A hyphen "joins" two words and EM-dash are two dashes together or one elongated dash.
but Spike would just knock it down. He's already put holes in it for taking too long in the shower. [A great set-up for what is to follow]
. He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole, [looked THROUGH the peep hole]
"You eat like a horse but are thin as a rail.. [Either one period or a three period elipsis, but not two periods.
You do a great job piecing in backstory while Luke is at the truck stop.
His tongue clave. [His tongue CLEAVED. "Clave" is the archaic past tense of "cleave".
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Fascinating chapter, Forest (?). I especially like your command of backstory to add dimension to the present action. Luke is a strong character. Crystal would be if her true personality was allowed to blossom. Right now she is only "alive" between fixes. Spike is a slug! But it's thanks to you that I hate him and all he stands for.
Here are a few thoughts as I read along:
Crystal caught another glimpse of the ghost in the motel mirror. Vacant eyes, vanilla face, sharp bones on thin skin, but it was her-trapped inside. She fell and spread on the bed in her sports bra and cut-off jeans. Resigned. [Evocative and compelling first paragraph!]
He controlled her from day one, and with her love for him, she'd do anything-anything. [May I suggest here the use of an EM-dash, not a hyphen to emphasize "anything" through separation. A hyphen "joins" two words and EM-dash are two dashes together or one elongated dash.
but Spike would just knock it down. He's already put holes in it for taking too long in the shower. [A great set-up for what is to follow]
. He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole, [looked THROUGH the peep hole]
"You eat like a horse but are thin as a rail.. [Either one period or a three period elipsis, but not two periods.
You do a great job piecing in backstory while Luke is at the truck stop.
His tongue clave. [His tongue CLEAVED. "Clave" is the archaic past tense of "cleave".
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Forgot to thank you. Sorry it took so long. Appreciate the thoughtful review. Editing help is always welcomed. I'm not a good self-editor.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Stan, this is a real chapter. Lots of detail and realistic dialoge too. I see two nits, one I think, but not sure, maybe capitalize Motor Coach(Inn). And I'd take one 'resigned' out. They're far apart but I'd still remove one. But as always, nice jobð???
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Hi Stan, this is a real chapter. Lots of detail and realistic dialoge too. I see two nits, one I think, but not sure, maybe capitalize Motor Coach(Inn). And I'd take one 'resigned' out. They're far apart but I'd still remove one. But as always, nice jobð???
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2021
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Thanks Sue!
Comment from dellsworthpoet
This excerpt is well-paced. The narrative flows well. The story is developing and two crisis are awaiting resolve. A good place to break. The images are clear.
Comments:
The background is cut short mid-sentence. Probably a formatting error.
"but it was her-trapped inside"
I believe you wanted a dash here and instead have a hyphenated word. This program doesn't support emdashes so I suggest two or three hyphens for a dash.
"He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole,"
The word you need here is through, threw is past tense of throw.
"Once again, she held his heart in his hand again."
This is called an echo. The again should only occur once either at the beginning or end of the sentence.
"where the canopy of trees played peek-a-boo with the sun."
This is a very nice word picture. Be sure to paint these seasoning in your writing.
A good read. Only minor tweets are suggested. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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This excerpt is well-paced. The narrative flows well. The story is developing and two crisis are awaiting resolve. A good place to break. The images are clear.
Comments:
The background is cut short mid-sentence. Probably a formatting error.
"but it was her-trapped inside"
I believe you wanted a dash here and instead have a hyphenated word. This program doesn't support emdashes so I suggest two or three hyphens for a dash.
"He stalked over and looked threw the peep hole,"
The word you need here is through, threw is past tense of throw.
"Once again, she held his heart in his hand again."
This is called an echo. The again should only occur once either at the beginning or end of the sentence.
"where the canopy of trees played peek-a-boo with the sun."
This is a very nice word picture. Be sure to paint these seasoning in your writing.
A good read. Only minor tweets are suggested. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2021
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2021
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Thanks! Sorry it took so long. I always appreciate editing help.
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You are welcome.
