Secrets in the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Secrets in the Wind - Chap 16"A story of loss, deceit, murder and crime
19 total reviews
Comment from Wendy G
Horrific aspects of prison life are detailed in very raw ways. So the guard was involved in the conspiracy to attack. Cassidy and Allie can't be dead yet. Hmm. No point in trying to anticipate how they survive this and manage to expose the evil being done. Intriguing. Well done.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Horrific aspects of prison life are detailed in very raw ways. So the guard was involved in the conspiracy to attack. Cassidy and Allie can't be dead yet. Hmm. No point in trying to anticipate how they survive this and manage to expose the evil being done. Intriguing. Well done.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Let's just say we are done with murders and can move forward with the story...not to say other things aren't lurking in the shadows. Thanks for the review, Wendy. Appreciate it very much.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from chatterbox1
I felt the tension, the suspense, in the short, punchy sentences. I had an immediate sympathy for Allie and Cassidy. For their strong bond. The sudden attack with no warning was terrifying. You worked it well and left me wanting to read more.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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I felt the tension, the suspense, in the short, punchy sentences. I had an immediate sympathy for Allie and Cassidy. For their strong bond. The sudden attack with no warning was terrifying. You worked it well and left me wanting to read more.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Hello, chatterbox
Nice to meet you and I thank you for stopping by to read this chapter of my story. I appreciate your time, thoughts and the review.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Ric Myworld
Left wanting to know what happens next, I'll be hanging around waiting for the next chapter. LOL. You do it so well. Hope you've had a nice weekend and next week just gets better and better!
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Left wanting to know what happens next, I'll be hanging around waiting for the next chapter. LOL. You do it so well. Hope you've had a nice weekend and next week just gets better and better!
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Good morning....
look at those awesome stars shining back at me. How terrific is that! i wasn't sure about the prison scene but I gave it the best I had. I can't wait to start writing something removed from that hell hole.. I'd prefer sampling some of that wine at the winery for sure.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment from Sherry Asbury
I especially like the form you use - it is easy to read, easy to find again if you want to check something. This was enthralling and the rawness of prison or jail life is so true to reality. It saddens me that things like this happen and no one cares or tries to stop the violence, but these gals live in a different universe. Great story -
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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I especially like the form you use - it is easy to read, easy to find again if you want to check something. This was enthralling and the rawness of prison or jail life is so true to reality. It saddens me that things like this happen and no one cares or tries to stop the violence, but these gals live in a different universe. Great story -
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Thanks so much Sherry for your kindness and the great review. Hope you are feeling okay? Take care...
Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is not at all good. Hopefully somebody gets to them before they die. Of course, they will or the story ends. Mason paid off the guards to do this. He's an evil person.
An inmate in her late forties whispered to the girl next to her. (girl beside her)
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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This is not at all good. Hopefully somebody gets to them before they die. Of course, they will or the story ends. Mason paid off the guards to do this. He's an evil person.
An inmate in her late forties whispered to the girl next to her. (girl beside her)
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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You like to give me heart attacks, you know. LOL I've had fifty reviews to answer today and as I flip to yours...without looking at the name at first... it says THIS IS NOT AT ALL GOOD!
Of course, you were referring to the action in the story. Made be laugh for a second or two. Appreciate your comments and reminding me about "next".
Smiles, Carol
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Usually my first words are exactly what I was thinking as I read the ending.
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I know but actually my brain was elsewhere as I focused on your words...shame on me! I laughed when i saw it was you! Thank heavens if it had been someone else I might have really been worried. Smiles....
Comment from Susan Newell
Good morning Carol,
I appreciate the addition of more narrative, but it still feels rushed and I know you can do better at showing us what is going on all around and provide more descriptive detail about what is happening. I think you can work on figurative language. The chain of women was good. Strive for things like that -- snaking lines. Amazons was also good, but you refer to them as women throughout. Why not brutes and other things? All of that kind of thing adds interest for the reader.
The story and plot are moving beautifully. I did not foresee the brutal stabbings of both women. It's obvious that one guard is "with" Allie and Cassidy, and another is in on the attempted murder.
I've been pretty hard on you this time. Remember, it's because I know you can do better and I don't want to flatter you when you fall short of your skills. You're doing better with limiting the "ing" words to their proper place, but slipped back into old habits a couple of times.
Most of the comments are about either tightening certain things that meander when abruptness would better serve, or where we need more.
Sue
It was quiet. Too quiet! -- I think the exclamation point hurts this.
low humming of voices -- why not just hum?
They felt it too! -- delete -- you already showed us, no need to tell us.
Something was about to happen, like the low rumblings of a volcano before it erupts. Something, but what? -- The first sentence doesn't make sense. End sentence after happen. I'm struggling with what comes next and it finally dawned on me that the analogy just doesn't work. It's quiet. That doesn't evoke rumblings. Maybe if you turned it to something being sensed in the atmosphere (like ozone before a storm). --finish this way ==> Something. . . But what?
The women walked single file through the cafeteria line, accepting their plates without the usual complaints. -- this can be tightened to hold the mood. "The women filed through the food line, accepting their allotments without complaint." (By using a word other than plates, you indicate portioned food. By simply stating "without complaint" the implication is that complaining is normal. Otherwise you wouldn't have to state it.)
A metal pan dropped, clanging against the cement floor. -- Beef up. No need to drop before clanging. No need for metal (the clang tells us that). Where did it happen? Did it send echoes?
At least seven or eight women were swinging arms, punching fists, pulling hair, and cursing. -- tighten, but beef up -- "women were throwing punches, kicking and pulling hair while emitting a cacophony of curses."
A guard pulled the alarm as several others started blowing whistles. -- Show us. How did the alarm add to the noise? We can figure out that a guard pulled it. How did the whistles sound? Don't have them blown, turn them into the subjects. "Whistles xxxxxed, adding xxxxx to the xxxx." Describe the pandemonium. Don't hesitate to use a thesaurus to add richer words.
No one wants to appear weak, so it's better to suck it up. ==> past tense
A server two plates in -- missing "slid"
A guard walked past and jostled Allie, sending her sideways into the metal food servers. -- tighten and come up with something better than metal food servers. Show us. e.g. "A passing guard jostled Allie, causing her to lose balance and bang an elbow into one of the serving pans."
Princess." ==> princess
"Why would Sofia lie?" -- I found this confusing at first since they were talking about Mason and the lawyer. Just add "about you" to bring us back to the testimony.
Allie clasped her hands together and tapped them against the edge of the table. -- Beef up. e.g. ". . . together, making a steeple out of her index fingers and tapped . . ."
The buzzing was louder. The volcano was about to erupt. -- May have to change this if you decide to rewrite the beginning.
Like synchronized swimming, two amazon women yanked Allie and Cassidy from behind and drug them into the dark steamy room. ==> swimmers -- suggest captured vs. yanked -- ==> dragged
Refusing to die without a fight, Allie flailed her fists, kicking her legs and spitting. -- tighten -- "Allie flailed fists, kicked and spat."
and lifted Allie off the floor, slamming her against the damp, -- can't lift and slam down at the same time -- "lifted Allie off the floor then slammed her xxx xxxx xxxx onto the cold, wet concrete."
from her hands, dropping it on her prey. ==> before dropping
They grabbed dirty linen from the carts and dumped it to disguise the two women. -- You can do much better than this! What did they accomplish? What do you do with presumably dead bodies? What were there mannerisms? Could they have tipped the carts to empty them quickly? Watch the scene and write what you see.
as she laughed -- missing period
She shifted her eyes from the floor to women. ==> to the women.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Good morning Carol,
I appreciate the addition of more narrative, but it still feels rushed and I know you can do better at showing us what is going on all around and provide more descriptive detail about what is happening. I think you can work on figurative language. The chain of women was good. Strive for things like that -- snaking lines. Amazons was also good, but you refer to them as women throughout. Why not brutes and other things? All of that kind of thing adds interest for the reader.
The story and plot are moving beautifully. I did not foresee the brutal stabbings of both women. It's obvious that one guard is "with" Allie and Cassidy, and another is in on the attempted murder.
I've been pretty hard on you this time. Remember, it's because I know you can do better and I don't want to flatter you when you fall short of your skills. You're doing better with limiting the "ing" words to their proper place, but slipped back into old habits a couple of times.
Most of the comments are about either tightening certain things that meander when abruptness would better serve, or where we need more.
Sue
It was quiet. Too quiet! -- I think the exclamation point hurts this.
low humming of voices -- why not just hum?
They felt it too! -- delete -- you already showed us, no need to tell us.
Something was about to happen, like the low rumblings of a volcano before it erupts. Something, but what? -- The first sentence doesn't make sense. End sentence after happen. I'm struggling with what comes next and it finally dawned on me that the analogy just doesn't work. It's quiet. That doesn't evoke rumblings. Maybe if you turned it to something being sensed in the atmosphere (like ozone before a storm). --finish this way ==> Something. . . But what?
The women walked single file through the cafeteria line, accepting their plates without the usual complaints. -- this can be tightened to hold the mood. "The women filed through the food line, accepting their allotments without complaint." (By using a word other than plates, you indicate portioned food. By simply stating "without complaint" the implication is that complaining is normal. Otherwise you wouldn't have to state it.)
A metal pan dropped, clanging against the cement floor. -- Beef up. No need to drop before clanging. No need for metal (the clang tells us that). Where did it happen? Did it send echoes?
At least seven or eight women were swinging arms, punching fists, pulling hair, and cursing. -- tighten, but beef up -- "women were throwing punches, kicking and pulling hair while emitting a cacophony of curses."
A guard pulled the alarm as several others started blowing whistles. -- Show us. How did the alarm add to the noise? We can figure out that a guard pulled it. How did the whistles sound? Don't have them blown, turn them into the subjects. "Whistles xxxxxed, adding xxxxx to the xxxx." Describe the pandemonium. Don't hesitate to use a thesaurus to add richer words.
No one wants to appear weak, so it's better to suck it up. ==> past tense
A server two plates in -- missing "slid"
A guard walked past and jostled Allie, sending her sideways into the metal food servers. -- tighten and come up with something better than metal food servers. Show us. e.g. "A passing guard jostled Allie, causing her to lose balance and bang an elbow into one of the serving pans."
Princess." ==> princess
"Why would Sofia lie?" -- I found this confusing at first since they were talking about Mason and the lawyer. Just add "about you" to bring us back to the testimony.
Allie clasped her hands together and tapped them against the edge of the table. -- Beef up. e.g. ". . . together, making a steeple out of her index fingers and tapped . . ."
The buzzing was louder. The volcano was about to erupt. -- May have to change this if you decide to rewrite the beginning.
Like synchronized swimming, two amazon women yanked Allie and Cassidy from behind and drug them into the dark steamy room. ==> swimmers -- suggest captured vs. yanked -- ==> dragged
Refusing to die without a fight, Allie flailed her fists, kicking her legs and spitting. -- tighten -- "Allie flailed fists, kicked and spat."
and lifted Allie off the floor, slamming her against the damp, -- can't lift and slam down at the same time -- "lifted Allie off the floor then slammed her xxx xxxx xxxx onto the cold, wet concrete."
from her hands, dropping it on her prey. ==> before dropping
They grabbed dirty linen from the carts and dumped it to disguise the two women. -- You can do much better than this! What did they accomplish? What do you do with presumably dead bodies? What were there mannerisms? Could they have tipped the carts to empty them quickly? Watch the scene and write what you see.
as she laughed -- missing period
She shifted her eyes from the floor to women. ==> to the women.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Here I am at last! I have two more reviews after this one, and then I am finally finished. (I hope) I redid this chapter two times, so I hope I got it right. I didn't change a couple of things because I think it didn't sound like how I would write...not that my way is correct, but it's how I word things. I believe I made most of the changes.
I know what words mean, but I don't use them in my writing. I keep it simple... according to what I've read and this ProWriter app I use, when I put in the bigger words, it asks me to remove them because it might not be clear to the average reader. Go figure!
Anyhow, I think it's better...or at least I hope so. That was a lot of effort on your part... and I could see what direction you were sending me. I hated writing the prison scene...so now we can move to a hospital, a winery, just somewhere else. LOL, And hopefully, the wine comes with it!
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
I must admit it's not looking great for Allie and Cassidy, what are going to do now? They've been murdered, what are Hank and Garth going to handle two more bodies? Unless they are resurrected, seems a pity to end the story at this point. Blessings. Roy
Typo : behind and (drug) them. Dragged?
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2021
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I must admit it's not looking great for Allie and Cassidy, what are going to do now? They've been murdered, what are Hank and Garth going to handle two more bodies? Unless they are resurrected, seems a pity to end the story at this point. Blessings. Roy
Typo : behind and (drug) them. Dragged?
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2021
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(Just between you and me) they are in an ambulance on the way to the hospital...Keep our fingers crossed!
I hated to leave it right there, but I was almost at 2000 words (600 more than I prefer). I had enough murders for this story...
Thanks so much for the review. Smiles, Carol
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Of course they are, you?re their creator
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
Unfortunately, I seem to have missed the earlier chapters. But I just wanted to comment that this reads well as a stand-alone story too. Full action. You have created clear cut imagery through your descriptive writing. I enjoyed it. Now that I get your posts directly into my inbox, I'm glad I won't be missing your stories in future. Cheers!
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2021
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Unfortunately, I seem to have missed the earlier chapters. But I just wanted to comment that this reads well as a stand-alone story too. Full action. You have created clear cut imagery through your descriptive writing. I enjoyed it. Now that I get your posts directly into my inbox, I'm glad I won't be missing your stories in future. Cheers!
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 01-Aug-2021
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Thank you so much.... The story can get confusing if you don't have all the background because I do a lot of twisting and turning. Feel free to read if you want (my chapters usually aren't long) and don't feel like you have to leave an extravagant review.....but only if you desire. regardless, I thank you... Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
That is pretty brutal. Your character have to suffer a little. I hope they didn't kill Cassidy. It seems the guard was in on the action. I don't know if the attack was designed to kill her or to keep her from talking. I can't see why they feel the need to hurt Allie, but I'm sure she would have gotten involved anyway, even if they hadn't pulled her from the line.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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That is pretty brutal. Your character have to suffer a little. I hope they didn't kill Cassidy. It seems the guard was in on the action. I don't know if the attack was designed to kill her or to keep her from talking. I can't see why they feel the need to hurt Allie, but I'm sure she would have gotten involved anyway, even if they hadn't pulled her from the line.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Aug-2021
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2021
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Because Allie was there to protect Cassidy and probably because the amazon women thought it was fun...prison life is scary. But for your benefit..I believe I saw an ambulance pull out of the prison. LOL
Smiles, Carol