Genius in Love
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Genius in Love, Scene 12"In Search of a Soul
29 total reviews
Comment from elchupakabra
I'm so pleased we finally get to meet each other, Phyllis. I feel like we're already old friends. (you had the comma and period inverted)
A regular Richie Rich. - This reference is out of place. The original debut of Richie Rich was appearing as a backup feature in the issue 'Little Dot 1' in September of 1953. Your story is set in 1952. Also, Richie Rich didn't really become popularized until the 80's tv show. Just an FYI.
I think one of the most difficult things to do is dialogue, at the beginning you say this is a long piece, but dialogue should read quickly, however I find many instances where I would change the entire format of the phrasing that you've gone with, as it would sound jumbled in the mouth of an actor in my opinion. This is one example of about at least twenty.
TOLOACHE:
I can assure you she's in good hands. Clarinetta will be right there with them. She's fantastic with children, and it will give us time to (beat) get to know one another. Does this agree with you?
I still enjoy the overall story, so keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2021
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I'm so pleased we finally get to meet each other, Phyllis. I feel like we're already old friends. (you had the comma and period inverted)
A regular Richie Rich. - This reference is out of place. The original debut of Richie Rich was appearing as a backup feature in the issue 'Little Dot 1' in September of 1953. Your story is set in 1952. Also, Richie Rich didn't really become popularized until the 80's tv show. Just an FYI.
I think one of the most difficult things to do is dialogue, at the beginning you say this is a long piece, but dialogue should read quickly, however I find many instances where I would change the entire format of the phrasing that you've gone with, as it would sound jumbled in the mouth of an actor in my opinion. This is one example of about at least twenty.
TOLOACHE:
I can assure you she's in good hands. Clarinetta will be right there with them. She's fantastic with children, and it will give us time to (beat) get to know one another. Does this agree with you?
I still enjoy the overall story, so keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2021
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Well, you stinker! I thought I had all bases covered. I had originally tried to have Gary ask Howard if he'd heard of Rachel Carson's "Silent Spring," in reference to poisoning the environment chemically... till I looked it up and found it wasn't written until the 60s. But Richie Rich? Who'd a thunk? As to forewarning the reader about the length. Worst strategy ever! By now I'd have 26 reviews, not twenty. This won't see ATB, thanks to my scaring readers away. Thanks, though, for your candid observations.
Jay
Comment from Theodore McDowell
Jay the innuendos and underlying messages of the dialogue between the parents is superb. Everyone seems to have a secret they are hiding or struggling with. Then Cornelius who Phylis demeans as nervous and cute etc. blows them away on the piano. The stereotypes are fractured. The boy's genius shines through. Well done my friend.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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Jay the innuendos and underlying messages of the dialogue between the parents is superb. Everyone seems to have a secret they are hiding or struggling with. Then Cornelius who Phylis demeans as nervous and cute etc. blows them away on the piano. The stereotypes are fractured. The boy's genius shines through. Well done my friend.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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Thank you, Tim. I appreciate your reading this. I know that plays are not your favorite to read, so to receive such acclaim from you is an honor. I can't be certain, but I think the play is over.
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Actually, I love plays, I just don't know how to write them. My favorite experience in literature was seeing Equus live. It blew me away. What was it like writing this one?
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It was quite an experience. However there is another play I have on FS that I feel is more imaginatively written. called "Harry: A Parenthetical Enigma"
Comment from lyenochka
Whew! What a lot of dynamite between the males of the couples. I am glad at least that Toley reaffirmed her love for Howard before that attacks from Gary. I am curious how the kids interacted while the adults were interacting. You show us two different stages to grieving in Phyllis and Gary. But is Howard mature and secure enough to handle it?
One comment:
I don't know if you edited already but I saw that Clarinetta said "Foxes" and shouldn't it be "Jaxes" ?
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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Whew! What a lot of dynamite between the males of the couples. I am glad at least that Toley reaffirmed her love for Howard before that attacks from Gary. I am curious how the kids interacted while the adults were interacting. You show us two different stages to grieving in Phyllis and Gary. But is Howard mature and secure enough to handle it?
One comment:
I don't know if you edited already but I saw that Clarinetta said "Foxes" and shouldn't it be "Jaxes" ?
Comment Written 19-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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Yes, Helen, that has been corrected. But I thank you for spotting it. That means you must have had this up for a long day before reading it. I do that all the time. I try to pull up all the new chapters from the writers I follow shortly after the bewitching hour, but I don't have the time or energy to do them justice for sometimes a full day. So I might have a dozen undread posts sitting like ducks on the carnival gallery, waiting to attack them one after another.
It's no wonder I run out of 6s by Sunday night.
At any rate thanks for reading, Helen, and for your close attention to it.
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I also run out by Sunday, too. But as you noted, it was fully my intention to follow through and read it when I could take a breather!
Comment from justafan
... and while you're up, get your free bag of popcorn from the lobby. We'll wait for you.]]
I am so glad you waited for me! :)
I get a little distracted sometimes. This seemed awkward for the children. They must be very sheltered.
A lot of undercurrent with the Jax's. Marriage in trouble?
A lot going on in this act for sure.
Well done my friend.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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... and while you're up, get your free bag of popcorn from the lobby. We'll wait for you.]]
I am so glad you waited for me! :)
I get a little distracted sometimes. This seemed awkward for the children. They must be very sheltered.
A lot of undercurrent with the Jax's. Marriage in trouble?
A lot going on in this act for sure.
Well done my friend.
Always
Justafan of yours
Missy
Comment Written 19-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2021
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Lovely sentiment, lovely chartreuse cross, Thanks, Missy. I don't know how you can keep a six past the weekend. I never can. Yeah, marriages can be unstable creatures, what with two people and all. It took the death of their son to shake the Jax's marriage to the roots. Ironically, it took the birth of their son, to start to dismantle the Plumb's marriage, Though Toloache keeps going along and gluing the disengaging parts back together.
Thank you for hanging in there, Missy.
Comment from kmoss
I love your author notes-very clever and funny! I followed your instructions. I think suggesting the background piano music to play while reading is GENIUS!
One note, should this be beg your pardon? Or have I always said it incorrectly? Begging your pardon ... You rang?
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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I love your author notes-very clever and funny! I followed your instructions. I think suggesting the background piano music to play while reading is GENIUS!
One note, should this be beg your pardon? Or have I always said it incorrectly? Begging your pardon ... You rang?
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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You have always said it incorrectly. Change at once! Seriously, it's fairly common in "servantry" and I believe it is actually the shortened form of "I am begging your pardon." It's probably more British than American. I cut my literary teeth on W.Somerset Maugham.
How's your head feel?
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I bloody figured it was me! Lol
Fine now but it was a rough morning. I didn?t waste the day though. Ok,ok, I?ve said it before, but July 18th is my first day of sobriety. I haven?t made it more than 10 days in a row since March. Time to retire the bottle. Fingers crossed!
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And I just thought of the song titles I Beg Your Pardon by Lynn Anderson, so I guess it?s just my country side coming out! :)
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Titled*
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BEG-ging your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden. I'll bet she would've written the bridge like that, if it occurred to her. Embrace your country side, my dear!
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It doesn?t have the same ring to it. I beg your pardon, I?m going to keep saying it! You can?t stop me! :). Ok, I?ve really only used it a few times in my life but it is a sentence my mother was fond of. So bless your heart, up shit creek without a paddle, colder than a well diggers ass?lol. I?m working on a country story now titled Where the Corn Wouldn?t Grow. It?s one for the vault though. It will not be posted. :)
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Have you read Lee's (Humpwhistle's) story about a Bayou singer from the 20s? He's good. It's worth a read. It's up and pays over a buck.
Comment from tfawcus
Your minimalist dialogue reveals volumes about your characters and the intricate interplay between them. It also forces your reader to visualise the scene in a way that would be impeded by more words. Clever and extremely skilful writing. A lesson for us all!
One stage direction that might benefit from being re-phrased: their eyes wander the exquisite walls, ceiling, and furnishings, wide-eyed.
Maybe something like: their eyes wander in awe at the exquisite walls, ceiling, and furnishings.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Your minimalist dialogue reveals volumes about your characters and the intricate interplay between them. It also forces your reader to visualise the scene in a way that would be impeded by more words. Clever and extremely skilful writing. A lesson for us all!
One stage direction that might benefit from being re-phrased: their eyes wander the exquisite walls, ceiling, and furnishings, wide-eyed.
Maybe something like: their eyes wander in awe at the exquisite walls, ceiling, and furnishings.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Your suggestion taken and the change made. It reads much smoother. Thank you so much, Tony.
Comment from royowen
I love to hear piano music play, like the guitar it's a complete instrument, although more octaves on it. What a good Episode, it wasn't as long as I thought it would be. I think you've got this script writing nicely in hand Jay. Beautifully written complete in its presentation, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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I love to hear piano music play, like the guitar it's a complete instrument, although more octaves on it. What a good Episode, it wasn't as long as I thought it would be. I think you've got this script writing nicely in hand Jay. Beautifully written complete in its presentation, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Many thanks, Roy! I always adore hearing from you.
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Bless you Jay
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Very good chapter, revealing much of background of the parents of these two children. There seems to be an ambiguous attitude in the beginning, between the four, but then upon revelations a much calmer atmosphere.
The music is delightful, especially Chopin.
Ralf
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Very good chapter, revealing much of background of the parents of these two children. There seems to be an ambiguous attitude in the beginning, between the four, but then upon revelations a much calmer atmosphere.
The music is delightful, especially Chopin.
Ralf
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Thank you, Ralf. It was weird how the piano player for the Pineapple Rag stared at the camera, straight-faced. I could have done without that. But I liked the thought of Cornelius playing that tune for Jennie and in the other room, Phyllis tapping to the rhythm. Yes the mood was calm, but there was, I was hoping, a battlefield of egos. Thank you so much for the six to buffer your kind words.
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I do believe you are right.
Comment from amahra
Thank you for Scott Joplin and the Pineapple Rag. It made my day. I thought the scene was fantastic. The dialogue, as usual, was very realistic in spite of Cornelius's awkwardness and uncertainty. And asking the little genius to play Chopin was a very relaxing way to present him to the Jaxes. You are a fantastic writer.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Thank you for Scott Joplin and the Pineapple Rag. It made my day. I thought the scene was fantastic. The dialogue, as usual, was very realistic in spite of Cornelius's awkwardness and uncertainty. And asking the little genius to play Chopin was a very relaxing way to present him to the Jaxes. You are a fantastic writer.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Bless you, Amahra! And thank you for the compliment, along with your six! You are so very appreciated.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
The romance between Cornelius and Jennie is certainly developing nicely, despite the shyness and immaturity of the pair of them and their emotional problems that are revealed. Great writing.
SPAG
I highlight > It'll be the highlight
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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The romance between Cornelius and Jennie is certainly developing nicely, despite the shyness and immaturity of the pair of them and their emotional problems that are revealed. Great writing.
SPAG
I highlight > It'll be the highlight
Comment Written 18-Jul-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2021
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Thank you, Katherine. Much appreciated. Are you saying I wrote, "I highlight" and it should have been "It'll be the highlight"? I can't find it. (Which certainly doesn't mean it's not there!)
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Yes, it"s grammatically unsound. It is there, its when he's going to ring for Clarinetta
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Thank you ... I'll check it out.