Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Betrayal Chapter 26"In the title.
43 total reviews
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Sandra.
Tania is learning about what life is like in the Caribbean, but she is also learning about what life is like when you are wealthy. Grant seems to have done very well for himself.
Tania is going to be in an environment where she is not only protected but pampered as well. This can be a big turning point in the story. I will be patient and see.
I have a suggestion for the following sentence.
"With one arm still in plaster, she used her good hand to grab hold of the nearest thing, which just happened to be Grant's arm, and closed her eyes. "
My suggestion: This is a long sentence with three clauses in it. Since there is action associated with it, I suggest making the last sentence, "She closed her eyes." End the previous sentence at ...Grant's arm.
Robert
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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Hello Sandra.
Tania is learning about what life is like in the Caribbean, but she is also learning about what life is like when you are wealthy. Grant seems to have done very well for himself.
Tania is going to be in an environment where she is not only protected but pampered as well. This can be a big turning point in the story. I will be patient and see.
I have a suggestion for the following sentence.
"With one arm still in plaster, she used her good hand to grab hold of the nearest thing, which just happened to be Grant's arm, and closed her eyes. "
My suggestion: This is a long sentence with three clauses in it. Since there is action associated with it, I suggest making the last sentence, "She closed her eyes." End the previous sentence at ...Grant's arm.
Robert
Comment Written 23-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for another lovely review, Robert, and for the helpful suggestion, which I've used. Yes, life is different in the Bahamas, as Tania is finding out ... in more ways than one! :)) I really appreciate all the support you've given me throughout this book. Thanks, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You're welcome Sandra
Comment from Cindy Warren
It all sounds lovely. Now I want to go to the Bahamas and ride in a helicopter. I don't imagine Colin can find them there, but I wonder what he will get up to at home. Good thing Monica has lots of protection. She may need it.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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It all sounds lovely. Now I want to go to the Bahamas and ride in a helicopter. I don't imagine Colin can find them there, but I wonder what he will get up to at home. Good thing Monica has lots of protection. She may need it.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2021
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LOL, I've wanted to do that ever since my friend said she'd flown in one. Colin is devious, his mother, more so. We shall see. Thank you so much, Cindy, for this lovely review. Warm hugs. Sandra. xxx
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! So this is how the rich and famous live! Poor Tania must be overwhelmed and wonder if she were dreaming. I like that you bring out the personal side of Grant with his relationship with Peter and Latifah and his dogs. It's too bad that he normally lives so far away from such paradise!
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Wow! So this is how the rich and famous live! Poor Tania must be overwhelmed and wonder if she were dreaming. I like that you bring out the personal side of Grant with his relationship with Peter and Latifah and his dogs. It's too bad that he normally lives so far away from such paradise!
Comment Written 22-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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I know ... sickening isn't it! Lol. I'd love a taste of that type of life, just to see what it's like not to worry about the next diamond necklace I need. :)) Thank you, Helen, for another lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from aryr
What a wonderful view and your words painted a beautiful scene, Sandra. Imagine Tania finding herself in the Bahamas with Grant. She was introduced to Peter and shared the great news that Grant received about Peter's wife, Latifah being pregnant. She met Sam and Ben, Grant's dogs. All in all she was on a great adventure. Very well done. Blessings, hugs and smiles.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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What a wonderful view and your words painted a beautiful scene, Sandra. Imagine Tania finding herself in the Bahamas with Grant. She was introduced to Peter and shared the great news that Grant received about Peter's wife, Latifah being pregnant. She met Sam and Ben, Grant's dogs. All in all she was on a great adventure. Very well done. Blessings, hugs and smiles.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Alie, for reading this part. I'm so glad you enjoyed going to the Bahamas. Lol. Have a lovely week, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Sanku
I had missed your last chapter and i read that first. thank God Grant has his adoption papers to prove the vicious lady wrong.
This was a relaxing chapter .You took us to the lovely Bahamas and the grand villas and the luxurious suite .Tanya deserved it and it would do both of them a lot of good.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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I had missed your last chapter and i read that first. thank God Grant has his adoption papers to prove the vicious lady wrong.
This was a relaxing chapter .You took us to the lovely Bahamas and the grand villas and the luxurious suite .Tanya deserved it and it would do both of them a lot of good.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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I'm glad you are enjoying the trip to the Bahamas, that is just what I need! Thank you so much, Sanku, for another of your really lovely reviews, and all those shiny stars! I'm glad you managed to catch up. :)) thanks for reading that part as well Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
We all needed this vacation! Please keep Colin in jail and let the romance develop. And I sensed from last time Monica and Jeff are going to hit it off.
sugg:
hyphenate almost-white (sand)
His eyes were dancing [sugg omit: with bubbling elation] as he tried to keep his face straight.
[She was] Only five-feet-tall, her pregnancy bump appeared ...
The bath [omit: , which] was more like a jacuzzi, she was sure she could swim in [it]!
[omit: its own] en-suite bathroom more commonly ensuite bath* (ref. below)
*Following standard English patterns, they hyphenated the phrase as "en-suite bath" and often made the phrase into a single word: "ensuite bath." These have become standard British usage, but hoteliers often go a step further by writing "all rooms ensuite" (Americans would write "all rooms with bath").May 25, 2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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We all needed this vacation! Please keep Colin in jail and let the romance develop. And I sensed from last time Monica and Jeff are going to hit it off.
sugg:
hyphenate almost-white (sand)
His eyes were dancing [sugg omit: with bubbling elation] as he tried to keep his face straight.
[She was] Only five-feet-tall, her pregnancy bump appeared ...
The bath [omit: , which] was more like a jacuzzi, she was sure she could swim in [it]!
[omit: its own] en-suite bathroom more commonly ensuite bath* (ref. below)
*Following standard English patterns, they hyphenated the phrase as "en-suite bath" and often made the phrase into a single word: "ensuite bath." These have become standard British usage, but hoteliers often go a step further by writing "all rooms ensuite" (Americans would write "all rooms with bath").May 25, 2016
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much, Liz, for your lovely, and very helpful, review. I've made the corrections. And thanks for the ref about the word 'en-suite' bath. It's crazy how we all have our own ways of putting things. But it makes our countries all the more interesting. Have a lovely week, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from tfawcus
I flew to Nassau and Antigua a few times while in the RAF. I found your descriptions, both of the islands from the air and of the ambience of that part of the world spot-on. You've set up a pleasant interlude to follow the fast-paced action, and this should work well in the overall pacing of the story.
I found one of the things I had to watch out for in my novel was the classic English understatement! You have one or two here, together with a few sentences that would benefit from tightening.
Coming from the cool interior of the air-conditioned jet, into the intense heat outside, was (quite) a body-punch encounter for Tania.
the driver leapt off and quickly transferred their luggage (over).
and other trees and plants (she couldn't recognise) (that she had no idea what they were).
the driver waiting (to open the door) for his passengers. Once the pilot had touched down, Grant opened the door. [The two doors confused me initially. I suggest you cut one out or specify that the second one is the aircraft door]
pulling up outside a (rather) grand villa
could be seen poking their trailing blooms through the white balustrade, cascading down like a waterfall of intense colour against the white background. (created a waterfall of intense colour against the white balustrade)
As always, looking forward to finding out where this goes next...
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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I flew to Nassau and Antigua a few times while in the RAF. I found your descriptions, both of the islands from the air and of the ambience of that part of the world spot-on. You've set up a pleasant interlude to follow the fast-paced action, and this should work well in the overall pacing of the story.
I found one of the things I had to watch out for in my novel was the classic English understatement! You have one or two here, together with a few sentences that would benefit from tightening.
Coming from the cool interior of the air-conditioned jet, into the intense heat outside, was (quite) a body-punch encounter for Tania.
the driver leapt off and quickly transferred their luggage (over).
and other trees and plants (she couldn't recognise) (that she had no idea what they were).
the driver waiting (to open the door) for his passengers. Once the pilot had touched down, Grant opened the door. [The two doors confused me initially. I suggest you cut one out or specify that the second one is the aircraft door]
pulling up outside a (rather) grand villa
could be seen poking their trailing blooms through the white balustrade, cascading down like a waterfall of intense colour against the white background. (created a waterfall of intense colour against the white balustrade)
As always, looking forward to finding out where this goes next...
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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I'm so pleased you think my descriptions are spot on, Tony, that is a real compliment. Thank you for this really nice, and, very helpful review.
I've gone through your edits and agree with all your points and will be taking up your suggestions. Thank you for that. And thank you so very much for the six stars, that was the cream on top of the milk bottle. Have a lovely week, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
You've given a very vivid description of Grant's villa and it's easy to visualise the opulence of the place.
A few comments:
They were quickly taken through customs, and then back out to where Grant had a helicopter waiting. - delete 'and' or 'then'. You don't need both.
A trolley pulled up beside it and the driver leapt off and quickly transferred their luggage over. - delete 'over'
With one arm still in plaster, she used her good hand to grab hold of the nearest thing, which just happened to be Grant's arm and closed her eyes. - comma after 'arm'
His eyes darkened with anger as images of Tania, alone in that room terrified and in pain, filled his mind. - comma after 'room'
Once the pilot had levelled up and had set a straight course, Tania began to relax. - I would delete second use of 'had'
There were a variety of palm trees, yuccas, pines and other trees and plants that she had no idea what they were. - consider: 'There were a variety of palm trees, yuccas, pines and myriad/many/some others unknown to her.'
A lone car beside the helicopter pad could be seen as they swung round to land, with the driver waiting to open the door for his passengers. - I might have reearranged this to: 'As they swung round to land, a lone car could be seen beside the helicopter pad, its driver waiting to open the door for his passengers.'
Once the pilot had touched down, Grant opened the door and jumped out. After helping Tania out, he led her over to the waiting car. = rather than two 'out's, how about 'After helping Tania alight'
'Did you have a good flight, Sir?' the chauffeur asked, - lower case for 'sir'?? But maybe not if you want to emphasise the joke between the two men.
He shook his head, raised an eyebrow and grinned. 'Very smooth, thank you.' He waited until they were all inside in the cool. - maybe 'out of the heat' rather than 'in the cool'
'Peter, let me introduce you to Miss Russell, she will be our guest for a while. Tania--meet Peter Shore.' - period after 'Russell'
Peter smiled as he reached over his seat and held out his hand. - delete 'his seat'
'Thank you, Peter, and please, will you call me Tania?' she asked, feeling the firmness of his grip. - maybe 'She felt her hand taken in a firm grip. ''Thank you, Peter, and please, will you call me Tania?'
'Oh, not a lot, really. We had some rain last week, that was a nice surprise.' - period after 'week'
His eyes were dancing with bubbling elation as he tried to keep his face straight. - maybe 'tried to keep a straight face'
'And how is the lovely Latifah, is she well?' - question mark after 'Latifah'
At this question, Peter looked fit to burst with a smile that came out of every movable muscle in his face. - I don't really like 'every movable muscle'. Just sayin'. 'lit up his whole face' might be better but is a bit of a cliche.
Grant leaned forward, slapping Peter on his shoulder. - I would have said 'on the shoulder'.
Tania stared out the window, her jaw dropped in astonishment. - I think '..dropping in astonishment' would be better.
Still in shock, she stood and looked in awe at the grandness of it. Surrounded by an array of huge palms, pine trees, jacarandas and various coloured oleanders she'd recognised from her holidays in Spain. - this should be one sentence: 'Still in shock, she stood and looked in awe at the grandness (grandeur/magnificence/opulence/splendour) of the (dwelling/mansion/house) which was surrounded by an array of huge palms, pine trees, jacarandas and various coloured oleanders she recognised from her holidays in Spain.' And you used 'grand' earlier so perhaps find a synonym for 'grandness'.
It was just breathtaking. - I'd delete 'just'
With whines and howls of joy, they rushed up to Grant and nearly knocked him over. - maybe '..rushed up to Grant, almost knocking him over.'
Then, as if someone had pulled a switch, they dropped down and stared at Tania, both cocked their heads slightly to one side. - '.. both cocking their heads'
Tania wanted to laugh, they were like twins, each doing the same thing at the same time. - period after 'laugh'
'Hold your hand out, let them get your scent. - period after 'out'
The door opened wider, and a heavily pregnant lady stood just inside in the cool, with a dazzling smile highlighting the lovely bronze glow of her face. - I don't like 'in the cool' here either lol Sorry. Leave it if you wish, of course, but maybe 'the door' or 'just inside the cool interior'. Delete 'with'
Only five-feet-tall, her pregnancy bump appeared even larger than normal. - As Grant hasn't seen her pregnant before 'normal' doesn't really gel. Maybe 'abnormally large'? Or '.. even larger than it might have done on someone taller'.
'Look at you!' Grant said, with a smile covering his face when he eventually held her at arm's length. - I would delete 'covering his face'
'We wanted to surprise you,' Latifah told him. Her face beaming with happiness. - replace period with a comma
Grant went over to Tania and with his hand at the base of her spine, he led her up to Latifah and introduced the two women. - comma after 'and'
Much to her astonishment, Grant led Tania into a stunning suite of rooms. 'This is all for me?' she gasped as she wandered through the rooms. - comma after 'gasped'
The door leading into her room opened into a sitting room, from there she was taken into her bedroom that had its own en-suite bathroom. - period after 'room'
Well done on some great writing.
Judy
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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You've given a very vivid description of Grant's villa and it's easy to visualise the opulence of the place.
A few comments:
They were quickly taken through customs, and then back out to where Grant had a helicopter waiting. - delete 'and' or 'then'. You don't need both.
A trolley pulled up beside it and the driver leapt off and quickly transferred their luggage over. - delete 'over'
With one arm still in plaster, she used her good hand to grab hold of the nearest thing, which just happened to be Grant's arm and closed her eyes. - comma after 'arm'
His eyes darkened with anger as images of Tania, alone in that room terrified and in pain, filled his mind. - comma after 'room'
Once the pilot had levelled up and had set a straight course, Tania began to relax. - I would delete second use of 'had'
There were a variety of palm trees, yuccas, pines and other trees and plants that she had no idea what they were. - consider: 'There were a variety of palm trees, yuccas, pines and myriad/many/some others unknown to her.'
A lone car beside the helicopter pad could be seen as they swung round to land, with the driver waiting to open the door for his passengers. - I might have reearranged this to: 'As they swung round to land, a lone car could be seen beside the helicopter pad, its driver waiting to open the door for his passengers.'
Once the pilot had touched down, Grant opened the door and jumped out. After helping Tania out, he led her over to the waiting car. = rather than two 'out's, how about 'After helping Tania alight'
'Did you have a good flight, Sir?' the chauffeur asked, - lower case for 'sir'?? But maybe not if you want to emphasise the joke between the two men.
He shook his head, raised an eyebrow and grinned. 'Very smooth, thank you.' He waited until they were all inside in the cool. - maybe 'out of the heat' rather than 'in the cool'
'Peter, let me introduce you to Miss Russell, she will be our guest for a while. Tania--meet Peter Shore.' - period after 'Russell'
Peter smiled as he reached over his seat and held out his hand. - delete 'his seat'
'Thank you, Peter, and please, will you call me Tania?' she asked, feeling the firmness of his grip. - maybe 'She felt her hand taken in a firm grip. ''Thank you, Peter, and please, will you call me Tania?'
'Oh, not a lot, really. We had some rain last week, that was a nice surprise.' - period after 'week'
His eyes were dancing with bubbling elation as he tried to keep his face straight. - maybe 'tried to keep a straight face'
'And how is the lovely Latifah, is she well?' - question mark after 'Latifah'
At this question, Peter looked fit to burst with a smile that came out of every movable muscle in his face. - I don't really like 'every movable muscle'. Just sayin'. 'lit up his whole face' might be better but is a bit of a cliche.
Grant leaned forward, slapping Peter on his shoulder. - I would have said 'on the shoulder'.
Tania stared out the window, her jaw dropped in astonishment. - I think '..dropping in astonishment' would be better.
Still in shock, she stood and looked in awe at the grandness of it. Surrounded by an array of huge palms, pine trees, jacarandas and various coloured oleanders she'd recognised from her holidays in Spain. - this should be one sentence: 'Still in shock, she stood and looked in awe at the grandness (grandeur/magnificence/opulence/splendour) of the (dwelling/mansion/house) which was surrounded by an array of huge palms, pine trees, jacarandas and various coloured oleanders she recognised from her holidays in Spain.' And you used 'grand' earlier so perhaps find a synonym for 'grandness'.
It was just breathtaking. - I'd delete 'just'
With whines and howls of joy, they rushed up to Grant and nearly knocked him over. - maybe '..rushed up to Grant, almost knocking him over.'
Then, as if someone had pulled a switch, they dropped down and stared at Tania, both cocked their heads slightly to one side. - '.. both cocking their heads'
Tania wanted to laugh, they were like twins, each doing the same thing at the same time. - period after 'laugh'
'Hold your hand out, let them get your scent. - period after 'out'
The door opened wider, and a heavily pregnant lady stood just inside in the cool, with a dazzling smile highlighting the lovely bronze glow of her face. - I don't like 'in the cool' here either lol Sorry. Leave it if you wish, of course, but maybe 'the door' or 'just inside the cool interior'. Delete 'with'
Only five-feet-tall, her pregnancy bump appeared even larger than normal. - As Grant hasn't seen her pregnant before 'normal' doesn't really gel. Maybe 'abnormally large'? Or '.. even larger than it might have done on someone taller'.
'Look at you!' Grant said, with a smile covering his face when he eventually held her at arm's length. - I would delete 'covering his face'
'We wanted to surprise you,' Latifah told him. Her face beaming with happiness. - replace period with a comma
Grant went over to Tania and with his hand at the base of her spine, he led her up to Latifah and introduced the two women. - comma after 'and'
Much to her astonishment, Grant led Tania into a stunning suite of rooms. 'This is all for me?' she gasped as she wandered through the rooms. - comma after 'gasped'
The door leading into her room opened into a sitting room, from there she was taken into her bedroom that had its own en-suite bathroom. - period after 'room'
Well done on some great writing.
Judy
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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That is such a compliment coming from you, Judy, thank you so much!! I'm going to copy and paste your edits, as I always do, and make the corrections on my MS copy first. I really appreciate this, Judy, thank you! Warm hugs. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Mistydawn
Lucky thing, being taken to such a paradise. I'd feel like I've died and gone to heaven. She deserves it after everything she's been through. Who knows, maybe she and Grant can get the romantic fires burning. Your story is very well-written, interesting from start to finish. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Lucky thing, being taken to such a paradise. I'd feel like I've died and gone to heaven. She deserves it after everything she's been through. Who knows, maybe she and Grant can get the romantic fires burning. Your story is very well-written, interesting from start to finish. Like always, I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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It's a dream of mine, whisked off in a private jet to a beautiful island. Dreams do come true for some, the nearest I'll get is through Tania and Grant! Lol. Thank you so much, Misty, for another of your really fabulous reviews, and all those shiny stars! I'm always happy to learn you've enjoyed my chapters. Thanks, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Sandra:
I will leave the descriptions in regard to the characters' skin color to those who share it. I loved this chapter which shows a softer side of Grant, particularly when it comes to his friends on the island and, of course, his dogs. It is interesting that Tania seems to be pining for Monica - or is that just me?
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Sandra:
I will leave the descriptions in regard to the characters' skin color to those who share it. I loved this chapter which shows a softer side of Grant, particularly when it comes to his friends on the island and, of course, his dogs. It is interesting that Tania seems to be pining for Monica - or is that just me?
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for your lovely review, my friend. Perhaps I've overdone Tania missing her foster-sister. I'll sort that out. I'm glad you liked this part, though, thank you! Warm hugs. Sandra xxx