Behold: the Cosmic Do-Over
Two Lives Knitted to a Continuum38 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
I sounds like a fly buzzing around and the newspaper is poised over the sandwiches ready to kill the fly, this is how the show begins and fly's knees are knocking, this is what I saw here, ha ha ha, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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I sounds like a fly buzzing around and the newspaper is poised over the sandwiches ready to kill the fly, this is how the show begins and fly's knees are knocking, this is what I saw here, ha ha ha, love Dolly x
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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It sounds like you read my poem, "Irreligious Fly Upon My Wall." No, it is a simple bank robbery gone bad. Try reading end to beginning.
Comment from Susan Newell
I'll admit, this took some work, but here's what I got out of it:
The teller imagines she has been shot and is lying on the floor. The rose is a growing blood stain. Then she realizes that she hasn't been shot and mentally picks herself up off the floor and faces the robber. The scattered white threads are her thoughts as she pulls herself together. I don't get the thread being sucked into the barrel. The robbery continues with the teller fully cognizant of the note, the gun and the need to stay calm. Nothing lost means she wasn't hurt. Return is a return to "non-danger." Show time! will be when the cops arrive.
How'd I do?
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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I'll admit, this took some work, but here's what I got out of it:
The teller imagines she has been shot and is lying on the floor. The rose is a growing blood stain. Then she realizes that she hasn't been shot and mentally picks herself up off the floor and faces the robber. The scattered white threads are her thoughts as she pulls herself together. I don't get the thread being sucked into the barrel. The robbery continues with the teller fully cognizant of the note, the gun and the need to stay calm. Nothing lost means she wasn't hurt. Return is a return to "non-danger." Show time! will be when the cops arrive.
How'd I do?
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Well, you got closer than many. My true intention was to show a bank robbery gone wrong, starting from the end with the dead teller, and transitioning back to the beginning, in reverse, as it were. Have you ever seen someone whose fall has been captured on film, then reversed: flying from the ground to the standing position (hence the puppet). The scattered white threads are those produced by the bullet going through the blouse. (Now, reverse it. What is the silver thread being sucked into the gun's barrel is actually what the bullet would look like if slowed and reversed. It was a very difficult expriment in transitions and sequencing. I hope that helps. Try reading it from end to beginning. You'll get the hang of it.
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to explain your thoughts.
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Okay. I guess this is what you would call a stretch. I've taken another look and still can't make it all work. Kudos for the attempt.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
Flash Fiction - Quite UNIQUE theme; Impressive and perfectly matching the theme phraseology; Meeting he required norms, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Picture enhances depth of the story.
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Hello Jay Squires,
Flash Fiction - Quite UNIQUE theme; Impressive and perfectly matching the theme phraseology; Meeting he required norms, and beautifully depicting its theme.
Picture enhances depth of the story.
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2021
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Thank you, RP, for your kindness, once again, and for the lovely chartreuse cross!
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Jay Squires, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Mastery
Interesting, Great writing and a great mind-bending read. I think your use of verbs throughout just proves once again that "verbs are king" jay.
Like: "Unseen, scattered white threads reweave under vanishing bud just as a silvery thread leaves her unblemished blouse, stretches across the counter surface, and is sucked into the barrel."
Take care, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Interesting, Great writing and a great mind-bending read. I think your use of verbs throughout just proves once again that "verbs are king" jay.
Like: "Unseen, scattered white threads reweave under vanishing bud just as a silvery thread leaves her unblemished blouse, stretches across the counter surface, and is sucked into the barrel."
Take care, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Bob, for the six stars and your kind words. I rather liked that part as well.
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Good job, Jay. As usual Bob
Comment from DonandVicki
Jay, I'm not sure if I got the same meaning that you intended, BUT (there is always a big but) the image along with the language you used in the story reminded me so much of a intro to a horror film.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Jay, I'm not sure if I got the same meaning that you intended, BUT (there is always a big but) the image along with the language you used in the story reminded me so much of a intro to a horror film.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for the lovely six, wow, and your wonderful review. The guesses of the meaning flow all over the place, so not to worry! You are da bomb!
Comment from Gloria ....
I like this experimental piece very much Jay. It's like a palindrome poem, only it's a story. Sometimes a bank robbery is like that, and sometimes a do-over is what we hope for. Not that I have ever robbed a bank. LOL
There are some brilliant actions here, especially when the teller's blouse is sucked back into the barrel of the gun, because that is exactly how a bullet would fire off.
The only part that threw off the magic of this write was this line:
backs through lobby on spongy knees, and only because it doesn't move the same forward as it does backward. So maybe a different verb for "backs"? One that isn't identifiable as going backward or forward.
I think it's a most successful experimental piece and shows how much actual deep thought you put into your writes.
It's fiction and it's very good, so I wish you much luck with the Contest Committee. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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I like this experimental piece very much Jay. It's like a palindrome poem, only it's a story. Sometimes a bank robbery is like that, and sometimes a do-over is what we hope for. Not that I have ever robbed a bank. LOL
There are some brilliant actions here, especially when the teller's blouse is sucked back into the barrel of the gun, because that is exactly how a bullet would fire off.
The only part that threw off the magic of this write was this line:
backs through lobby on spongy knees, and only because it doesn't move the same forward as it does backward. So maybe a different verb for "backs"? One that isn't identifiable as going backward or forward.
I think it's a most successful experimental piece and shows how much actual deep thought you put into your writes.
It's fiction and it's very good, so I wish you much luck with the Contest Committee. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Gloria. You locked onto the part that also bothered me. Originally I had "crosses through the lobby on spongy knees," but I was afraid the reader would have him turning around and walking through the lobby. I'll have to think more about it.
Comment from Susan Larson
You really lured me in with the 10 points and $1.16. This makes me think of something Kenneth Kovk would have written back in the best poet era. Didn't understand much of his stuff either. Oh, on another note, I did say that I would be a lady and a gracious loser and congratulate you on your win on the non fiction contest. Congratulations!
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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You really lured me in with the 10 points and $1.16. This makes me think of something Kenneth Kovk would have written back in the best poet era. Didn't understand much of his stuff either. Oh, on another note, I did say that I would be a lady and a gracious loser and congratulate you on your win on the non fiction contest. Congratulations!
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Haha, thank you for the congratulations and for reading my story, Susan.
Comment from KSUlshafer
So fun to read, you have an interesting style. I look forward to reading more of your work. 150 word stories are not easy, nice rhythm throughout, obviously a very accomplished writer:)
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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So fun to read, you have an interesting style. I look forward to reading more of your work. 150 word stories are not easy, nice rhythm throughout, obviously a very accomplished writer:)
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you so much for reading this and for your kind words.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Jay, I read this earlier, and decided to come back when I'd woken up. I'm thinking this is a would be bank raid and the thief backs down at the end. I know I am way out on this, but I had to give it a go. Good luck in the contest, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Hi Jay, I read this earlier, and decided to come back when I'd woken up. I'm thinking this is a would be bank raid and the thief backs down at the end. I know I am way out on this, but I had to give it a go. Good luck in the contest, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Hahaha. It's been a horrendously long day, Sandra. Turns out this was like a Rorschach test without the ink blots. But no, he doesn't back down. Try reading it from the end to the beginning (giving allowance for the backward walking). Anyway, I wish I hadn't posted it! But I sure thank you for your reading and your kind words.
Comment from Ulla
This is indeed experimental writing, Jay. It's like an abstract on a canvas, only now transferred into a writing frame. I don't think there is a correct answer, or conclusion. It's all down to the individual reader, just as it is down to the viewer with abstract painting, which has been around for more than a hundred years. A very bold try and you pulled it off. Well done. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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This is indeed experimental writing, Jay. It's like an abstract on a canvas, only now transferred into a writing frame. I don't think there is a correct answer, or conclusion. It's all down to the individual reader, just as it is down to the viewer with abstract painting, which has been around for more than a hundred years. A very bold try and you pulled it off. Well done. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 09-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2021
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Thank you, Ulla. It was, yes, experimental. As such I wish I had left it in a folder on my desktop and not on FanStory. But it's done.