Machines of Bentley
The biggest deal of his life.21 total reviews
Comment from Sanku
Oh! God .What a demonic plan.Totally cruel and heartless. And was it a surprise! you bet. I was astounded .You are sure to win the contest .all the best.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Oh! God .What a demonic plan.Totally cruel and heartless. And was it a surprise! you bet. I was astounded .You are sure to win the contest .all the best.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review. I appreciate it very much.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Quite a surprise, don't deal with Mafia, because whatever they over is too good to be true:"
Anthony nodded. His ten men drew machine pistols and sprayed the room killing Bill Chambers and his employees.
Anthony and his brothers toasted and threw down their glasses.
Machines of Bentley, a/k/a M.O.B., departed with the cashier's check, without paying any commission or any intention of fulfilling service obligations promised by the now defunct Chambers Associates.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Quite a surprise, don't deal with Mafia, because whatever they over is too good to be true:"
Anthony nodded. His ten men drew machine pistols and sprayed the room killing Bill Chambers and his employees.
Anthony and his brothers toasted and threw down their glasses.
Machines of Bentley, a/k/a M.O.B., departed with the cashier's check, without paying any commission or any intention of fulfilling service obligations promised by the now defunct Chambers Associates.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review and comments.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
It seemed like a deal too good to be true but the ending certainly was a surprise. You write very well and seem to know something about stock trading (I don't). Best of luck with this.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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It seemed like a deal too good to be true but the ending certainly was a surprise. You write very well and seem to know something about stock trading (I don't). Best of luck with this.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Skillfully narrated with a nasty surprise! Having no familiarity with the financial arena, I don't understand the fine points; nonetheless, I get the gist.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Skillfully narrated with a nasty surprise! Having no familiarity with the financial arena, I don't understand the fine points; nonetheless, I get the gist.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from Tpa
Flash fiction is a difficult process to achieve-a story with a minimum amount of words. Although your climax, which I thought was clever, I thought the middle had too many things that seemed irrelevant to where your story was going, I wish you the best in the contest..
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Flash fiction is a difficult process to achieve-a story with a minimum amount of words. Although your climax, which I thought was clever, I thought the middle had too many things that seemed irrelevant to where your story was going, I wish you the best in the contest..
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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I?m sorry you felt that way. I was trying to build suspense in one direction before pulling the rug out from under the reader. The writing prompt was ? Surprise Me? so the middle needed some mis-direction. Thanks for your review.
Comment from RetroStarfish
Oh my gosh - this is a surprise! What a great story. Written the way it is, day by day, makes it a fast paced read. My heart rate increased as I wondered where this was headed.
Great contest entry!
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Oh my gosh - this is a surprise! What a great story. Written the way it is, day by day, makes it a fast paced read. My heart rate increased as I wondered where this was headed.
Great contest entry!
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Thanks for your comments and review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Wow, that was a surprise ending! That was a clever way of getting rich and not having to do anything but machine gun down all the players, plus leaving all the potential customers short changed! Well done, this is a great contest entry. Good luck! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Wow, that was a surprise ending! That was a clever way of getting rich and not having to do anything but machine gun down all the players, plus leaving all the potential customers short changed! Well done, this is a great contest entry. Good luck! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Thank you for your comments and review.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, you did offer a surprise at the end. *smile* I did not see that coming. ha The problem is the whole post kinda felt like you decided to enter the contest at the last minute and pushed your way through the story without having had time to truly work out all the details and get the bugs out. (sorry!)
There's just so many small issues here. You've got to know that the reader engages the brain and really pays attention to this stuff. *smile* They really do want to 'fall in' when they find a cool story like this - but when there are some pretty glaring issues, they start to pull back and go, heyyyyy....wait a second.... You know?
Here's what I'm talking about. First, just some general grammar issues: (Which I feel certain you know but missed - which is what gave me the first idea that you were rushing...)
1.) "You just did, Tom(,)" (r)eplied Mr. Chambers.
2.) "I'm in(,)" said Daniel.
3.) "Me too(,)" chimed in Barry Miller.
4.) "Sounds too exciting to miss(,)" said Charlie Diggers.
5.) "Ok(,) that's five(,)" said Mr. Chambers.
6.) Only Anthony and his brothers held champagne glasses, while the others watched.
--> Champagne glasses were filled and the Chambers Associates employees were gathered.
--> to make your story work it would have to be EVERY SINGLE employee of CA, but I would think only the members of this challenge would be here. The others wouldn't really want to have all this success and money shoved in their faces, right? AND I don't think the boss would be that crude. He would want to keep the rest of them inspired and happy.
--> ALSO - these sales folks have just spent the last week on the phone with a BUNCH of people telling them they were in a business deal with MOB, so when the police find everyone dead they will know exactly who to look for.
7.) "I'm pleased to present this $62.5 million (c)ashier's (c)heck to Machines of Bentley.
8.) We performed extraordinarily (well) but succeeded (primarily) due to their reputation in the marketplace. I toast our organizations."
--> So this means that MOB had to have been a legit business in the marketplace for quite a while - not just a quick, fake, set-up and go. This isn't making complete sense to me. I would think that in the long run, they could make a lot more money doing THIS over and over than killing the goose that's laying the golden egg. If they are a legit business, they can't just close their doors and run now, can they? Doesn't make a lot of sense
9.) departed with the (c)ashier's (c)heck, without paying any commission (and without) any intention(s) of fulfilling (the) service obligations promised (to) the now(-)defunct Chambers Associates.
--> I would just say: 'and without any intentions of fulfilling the service obligations promised to the Chambers Associates.'
--> I mean, they don't have any way of knowing (or caring!) what will happen to the business after they leave. Just because they take THIS money doesn't mean the company is out of business. As you said, they were still working a bunch of other deals and etc.
I hope you'll understand what I'm talking about AND understand that I'm not trying to be mean- just frank. Hoping to be helpful. Yes, you CAN always edit your pieces - even if they are in the middle of the voting booth.
Thanks and good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Well, you did offer a surprise at the end. *smile* I did not see that coming. ha The problem is the whole post kinda felt like you decided to enter the contest at the last minute and pushed your way through the story without having had time to truly work out all the details and get the bugs out. (sorry!)
There's just so many small issues here. You've got to know that the reader engages the brain and really pays attention to this stuff. *smile* They really do want to 'fall in' when they find a cool story like this - but when there are some pretty glaring issues, they start to pull back and go, heyyyyy....wait a second.... You know?
Here's what I'm talking about. First, just some general grammar issues: (Which I feel certain you know but missed - which is what gave me the first idea that you were rushing...)
1.) "You just did, Tom(,)" (r)eplied Mr. Chambers.
2.) "I'm in(,)" said Daniel.
3.) "Me too(,)" chimed in Barry Miller.
4.) "Sounds too exciting to miss(,)" said Charlie Diggers.
5.) "Ok(,) that's five(,)" said Mr. Chambers.
6.) Only Anthony and his brothers held champagne glasses, while the others watched.
--> Champagne glasses were filled and the Chambers Associates employees were gathered.
--> to make your story work it would have to be EVERY SINGLE employee of CA, but I would think only the members of this challenge would be here. The others wouldn't really want to have all this success and money shoved in their faces, right? AND I don't think the boss would be that crude. He would want to keep the rest of them inspired and happy.
--> ALSO - these sales folks have just spent the last week on the phone with a BUNCH of people telling them they were in a business deal with MOB, so when the police find everyone dead they will know exactly who to look for.
7.) "I'm pleased to present this $62.5 million (c)ashier's (c)heck to Machines of Bentley.
8.) We performed extraordinarily (well) but succeeded (primarily) due to their reputation in the marketplace. I toast our organizations."
--> So this means that MOB had to have been a legit business in the marketplace for quite a while - not just a quick, fake, set-up and go. This isn't making complete sense to me. I would think that in the long run, they could make a lot more money doing THIS over and over than killing the goose that's laying the golden egg. If they are a legit business, they can't just close their doors and run now, can they? Doesn't make a lot of sense
9.) departed with the (c)ashier's (c)heck, without paying any commission (and without) any intention(s) of fulfilling (the) service obligations promised (to) the now(-)defunct Chambers Associates.
--> I would just say: 'and without any intentions of fulfilling the service obligations promised to the Chambers Associates.'
--> I mean, they don't have any way of knowing (or caring!) what will happen to the business after they leave. Just because they take THIS money doesn't mean the company is out of business. As you said, they were still working a bunch of other deals and etc.
I hope you'll understand what I'm talking about AND understand that I'm not trying to be mean- just frank. Hoping to be helpful. Yes, you CAN always edit your pieces - even if they are in the middle of the voting booth.
Thanks and good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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I think you forgot this was a flash fiction and not a novel. LoL. I originally wrote over 1,200 words and had to edit to under 600 to meet the requirements. This was not a last minute entry as you suggest.
In a consulting firm like CA if the boss and 5 key execs were killed the business would close. I know, I?m CEO of a private consulting practice.
MOB being a legit business could be a ?front?. Or a way to launder money. Or anything else. This is a flash and not a novel so that aspect was not developed.
The police investigation is the next book. Again not a novel.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from royowen
Now, that's what I call surprising. The set up was the usual campaign razzmatazz, but the ending was decidedly different, all loot and no pay is a pretty good outcome for sponsors. I liked the relatively simple plot, but the coup de gras was the brilliant ending, and demise of Chambers and associates, plus staff, beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Now, that's what I call surprising. The set up was the usual campaign razzmatazz, but the ending was decidedly different, all loot and no pay is a pretty good outcome for sponsors. I liked the relatively simple plot, but the coup de gras was the brilliant ending, and demise of Chambers and associates, plus staff, beautifully written my friend, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Thanks for you review.
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Welcome
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Welcome
Comment from LisaMay
Pure greed and evil in the money-grubbing world of money making more money and leading to more avarice. The MOB mentality is rife in big business - trying to get away with murderous deals might not often lead to blood on the floor but the intention is often the same - to screw someone over.
Your attention to detail and talking the talk with authority makes your story a stand out.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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Pure greed and evil in the money-grubbing world of money making more money and leading to more avarice. The MOB mentality is rife in big business - trying to get away with murderous deals might not often lead to blood on the floor but the intention is often the same - to screw someone over.
Your attention to detail and talking the talk with authority makes your story a stand out.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2021
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These comments coming from an established writing such as you have such meaning to me. Thank you for your review and taking the time. The six stars are so appreciated. Thanks again.
