Sleep Tight - part one
part one27 total reviews
Comment from estory
Super job painting this picture of despair, this man who has been torn from his family, struggling to get back what he lost. I think the vivid descriptions of the decrepit lodgings, full of color and detail, really painted the background picture, and then that last scene where he tries to break the door down to his ex-wife's house was tense and well penned. The dialogue there was very realistic, and we get how unhinged John has become when he shouts that he wants to put his daughters to bed. We get that desperation in his pained desire to see his kids again, the frustration when the door closes. The pressure is building and the suspense is building with it. We await the next chapter...estory
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Super job painting this picture of despair, this man who has been torn from his family, struggling to get back what he lost. I think the vivid descriptions of the decrepit lodgings, full of color and detail, really painted the background picture, and then that last scene where he tries to break the door down to his ex-wife's house was tense and well penned. The dialogue there was very realistic, and we get how unhinged John has become when he shouts that he wants to put his daughters to bed. We get that desperation in his pained desire to see his kids again, the frustration when the door closes. The pressure is building and the suspense is building with it. We await the next chapter...estory
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for the great response once again. G
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Well Sean seems to have gone the way of too many these days. Do what you want and pay a huge price. A very well written story, I saw no errors and am looking forward to part 2.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Well Sean seems to have gone the way of too many these days. Do what you want and pay a huge price. A very well written story, I saw no errors and am looking forward to part 2.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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I think the temptation overrules all else sometimes. Many thanks. G
Comment from BethShelby
This is a good story. Since it is a horror and thriller I'm sure someone will die but so far it interesting. Sean has screwed up his life and has paid for it. Now he has regrets but it is too late. I look forward to finding out what will happen
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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This is a good story. Since it is a horror and thriller I'm sure someone will die but so far it interesting. Sean has screwed up his life and has paid for it. Now he has regrets but it is too late. I look forward to finding out what will happen
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for checking this one out, Beth. G
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
I like the story and how it folds giving us a glimpse of Flynn's wretched life. A pathetic ending of the story fr Flynn. Wonder what he is going to do next, now that he has lost his family jewels. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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I like the story and how it folds giving us a glimpse of Flynn's wretched life. A pathetic ending of the story fr Flynn. Wonder what he is going to do next, now that he has lost his family jewels. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 25-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Much appreciated, my friend. G
Comment from Jay Squires
What a touching end to your chapter, with Sean belittling himself in front of his ex and the former best man to their wedding.
For the most part it read smoothly, but I did have some trouble below:
As he pulled the door to, the door opposite opened revealing an elderly gentleman [Maybe you'd better place him outside his room. "Pulling the door to" implies being inside. If he is outside, I would have him "pushing" his door to."]
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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What a touching end to your chapter, with Sean belittling himself in front of his ex and the former best man to their wedding.
For the most part it read smoothly, but I did have some trouble below:
As he pulled the door to, the door opposite opened revealing an elderly gentleman [Maybe you'd better place him outside his room. "Pulling the door to" implies being inside. If he is outside, I would have him "pushing" his door to."]
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks, Jay. I'll give that section a bit of thought. G
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear giraffmag, As soon as I finish writing this review I am going to fan you, as I do not wish to miss the next chapter. Because this is the first time I have run across one of your posts, I will be reading some other things you have written on the side. I just wanted to let you know how excellent a writer you are, but you know that already of course (smile)
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Dear giraffmag, As soon as I finish writing this review I am going to fan you, as I do not wish to miss the next chapter. Because this is the first time I have run across one of your posts, I will be reading some other things you have written on the side. I just wanted to let you know how excellent a writer you are, but you know that already of course (smile)
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for the great response and fanning. it is very much appreciated. G
Comment from Dana Starr
Your writing drew me in and I want to read more. I love how you use greedy repeatedly in the first paragraph. Your description of the tube journey is spot on and also very funny. Great job.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Your writing drew me in and I want to read more. I love how you use greedy repeatedly in the first paragraph. Your description of the tube journey is spot on and also very funny. Great job.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks for your thoughts on this piece. Much appreciated. GMG
Comment from royowen
I must admit even though he's stuffed up his life, I still feel for the guy, he can still have a good one, I shouldn't engage too much with stories, but I think we can all relate to Sean. Beautifully written my friend, excellent post. Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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I must admit even though he's stuffed up his life, I still feel for the guy, he can still have a good one, I shouldn't engage too much with stories, but I think we can all relate to Sean. Beautifully written my friend, excellent post. Blessings Roy
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Many thanks as always, Roy. G
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Welcome
Comment from damommy
I can hardly wait to read Part Two. Poor Sean didn't realize he had it all and jeopardized everything for money. I feel sorry for him, but he brought it on himself. That doesn't make it any easier, though. I'm expecting something grisly to happen soon since this is marked horror/thriller.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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I can hardly wait to read Part Two. Poor Sean didn't realize he had it all and jeopardized everything for money. I feel sorry for him, but he brought it on himself. That doesn't make it any easier, though. I'm expecting something grisly to happen soon since this is marked horror/thriller.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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Grisly... me... surely you jest! lol many thanks Yvonne. G
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That is so sad. Greed destroys so many lives. Sean was jealous of everyone, not realising he had it all. A nice home, nice wife and lovely kids. But it wasn't enough and now he has nothing. It's a 'serves you right' sort of story, but you do feel sorry for him, too. I look forward to part two.
I have much to learn from your writing, Gareth, it's so well written, with great imaginative wording. The detail puts us there with him. I really enjoyed reading it. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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That is so sad. Greed destroys so many lives. Sean was jealous of everyone, not realising he had it all. A nice home, nice wife and lovely kids. But it wasn't enough and now he has nothing. It's a 'serves you right' sort of story, but you do feel sorry for him, too. I look forward to part two.
I have much to learn from your writing, Gareth, it's so well written, with great imaginative wording. The detail puts us there with him. I really enjoyed reading it. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 24-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2021
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I've been doing a lot of exercises with omitting adverbs and strengthening verb choices. it's fun. lol many thanks, Sandra. G
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I must try that. I'll check over what I'm posting tomorrow, too!! lol. I'm looking forward to reading your part two.