Private Gunther's Leave Request
Routine weekend guard duty not routine.17 total reviews
Comment from AnnieDawn
This story is really well written and for a true story, it hit home. I feel bad for the man who was unable to visit his mother before she died but he made his own bed. You have a gift for writing and should keep it going. Well done. This should place well in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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This story is really well written and for a true story, it hit home. I feel bad for the man who was unable to visit his mother before she died but he made his own bed. You have a gift for writing and should keep it going. Well done. This should place well in the contest.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your kind comments and review.
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very good entry for the contest. I realize that rules have to be followed in these circumstances. I feel bad this soldier had to pay dearly for trying to put his Mother first which I guess isn't an option in service. It sounds like you handled the situation in the best way possible.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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This is a very good entry for the contest. I realize that rules have to be followed in these circumstances. I feel bad this soldier had to pay dearly for trying to put his Mother first which I guess isn't an option in service. It sounds like you handled the situation in the best way possible.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your interpretation and review.
Comment from RetroStarfish
This story gets off to a great start. By the middle, I started making notes about how you could tighten up some overly worded sentences. The ending just didn't work for me. I know it's a true story and that is how it ended, and that the contest is about life, death and leadership. You've covered all those bases, but as a story it fizzles (although art is subjective.) Perhaps if there'd been more of an emphasis on how such a mundane weekend could have ended with a gun pointed at you.
You set the scene well, and for the most part didn't let the explanations of military protocols and jargon interfere with the story telling.
Here's an example of what I mean by over-wordy:
' ...I reasoned he was quite likely to respond positively to my request for him to stand down. Therefore, it would be necessary for me to enter the building to speak with him to achieve this desired end result.'
Why not "I reasoned he'd be more likely to stand down for me, so I decided to go into the building."
Or this line:
'I then departed to return to Battalion staff HQ to write the lengthy and detail military complaint report as well as complete a few interviews of several MPs and other witnesses.'
It sort of drains the excitement from the previous action. I'd suggest something here about how you didn't have time to process your feelings about the near death experience because you had a lengthy report to write (on or before) your day off after a 60 hour shift.
I hope this helps, and good luck in the contest.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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This story gets off to a great start. By the middle, I started making notes about how you could tighten up some overly worded sentences. The ending just didn't work for me. I know it's a true story and that is how it ended, and that the contest is about life, death and leadership. You've covered all those bases, but as a story it fizzles (although art is subjective.) Perhaps if there'd been more of an emphasis on how such a mundane weekend could have ended with a gun pointed at you.
You set the scene well, and for the most part didn't let the explanations of military protocols and jargon interfere with the story telling.
Here's an example of what I mean by over-wordy:
' ...I reasoned he was quite likely to respond positively to my request for him to stand down. Therefore, it would be necessary for me to enter the building to speak with him to achieve this desired end result.'
Why not "I reasoned he'd be more likely to stand down for me, so I decided to go into the building."
Or this line:
'I then departed to return to Battalion staff HQ to write the lengthy and detail military complaint report as well as complete a few interviews of several MPs and other witnesses.'
It sort of drains the excitement from the previous action. I'd suggest something here about how you didn't have time to process your feelings about the near death experience because you had a lengthy report to write (on or before) your day off after a 60 hour shift.
I hope this helps, and good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2021
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Thank you
Comment from DonandVicki
A very captivating true story. I like the way you built up the plot of the story. You did a good job with the dialogue, it really pulled this reader into the story. Don
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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A very captivating true story. I like the way you built up the plot of the story. You did a good job with the dialogue, it really pulled this reader into the story. Don
Comment Written 13-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your review
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
This is a great story although I really did feel sorry for Private
Gunther. I suppose there is no allowance for what extreme
emotions lead us to do in the military... I live about 75 miles
south of Fort Lee and visit the exchange there sometimes
when traveling back and forth to Richmond. Good luck in
the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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This is a great story although I really did feel sorry for Private
Gunther. I suppose there is no allowance for what extreme
emotions lead us to do in the military... I live about 75 miles
south of Fort Lee and visit the exchange there sometimes
when traveling back and forth to Richmond. Good luck in
the contest.
Rdfrdmom2
Comment Written 13-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your message and review.
Comment from sunas63
Be careful what you wish for was what I took away from this story. He seemed to be down on himself due to his duty assignment. Being a cook wasn't as bad as he thought. His guard duty certainly spiced things up and he took a lot away with him due to Gunther. He handled it well but he also felt bad for what he had to do. I think he grew from the experience and would probably always remember it. There were a few grammatical errors but easily overlooked due to his compelling story. This will be one story I will remember.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Be careful what you wish for was what I took away from this story. He seemed to be down on himself due to his duty assignment. Being a cook wasn't as bad as he thought. His guard duty certainly spiced things up and he took a lot away with him due to Gunther. He handled it well but he also felt bad for what he had to do. I think he grew from the experience and would probably always remember it. There were a few grammatical errors but easily overlooked due to his compelling story. This will be one story I will remember.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your message and review. It?s a long 2100 word story that I?m still editing. Again thank you.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
Oh, wow. What a tragic, horrible series of events. The idea that this guy's accidental (I'm assuming) AWOL moment affected his opportunity to see his mom before she passed probably stayed with him forever. That's awful! I understand rules are made to be KEPT - as opposed to what others may say - but this was probably a hard time to be in charge and having to enforce those rules. Bless him!
Notes, if I may:
1.) I managed all Military Police (MP) actions for the weekend, including for every speeding ticket, noise complaint, drunken disorderly conduct, fist-fight, or you name it,
--> delete the 'for' after 'including'
--> 'drunk AND disorderly'
2.) Things seemed to settle down early Sunday morning around three am. I advised the two privates to be quiet and handle all matters for the next two hours
--> sounds like he's trying to finish up his paperwork and stuff before end of shift - but it's not time for the next duty officer until MONDAY morning at 6, right?
3.) "Which is it(?)" I demanded as I stood up,
4.) The .45 pistol was (lying) on the bunk next to Gunther's bag.
Thanks so much! This was intriguing, sad, and nicely written. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Dear Mystery Writer,
Oh, wow. What a tragic, horrible series of events. The idea that this guy's accidental (I'm assuming) AWOL moment affected his opportunity to see his mom before she passed probably stayed with him forever. That's awful! I understand rules are made to be KEPT - as opposed to what others may say - but this was probably a hard time to be in charge and having to enforce those rules. Bless him!
Notes, if I may:
1.) I managed all Military Police (MP) actions for the weekend, including for every speeding ticket, noise complaint, drunken disorderly conduct, fist-fight, or you name it,
--> delete the 'for' after 'including'
--> 'drunk AND disorderly'
2.) Things seemed to settle down early Sunday morning around three am. I advised the two privates to be quiet and handle all matters for the next two hours
--> sounds like he's trying to finish up his paperwork and stuff before end of shift - but it's not time for the next duty officer until MONDAY morning at 6, right?
3.) "Which is it(?)" I demanded as I stood up,
4.) The .45 pistol was (lying) on the bunk next to Gunther's bag.
Thanks so much! This was intriguing, sad, and nicely written. Good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2021
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Thank you for your detailed review and I?ll follow up on them.
