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Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Girl by the Window"A Flash Fiction Collection
19 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
I'm afraid this eludes me. I'm wondering how Justin got to be Sir Justin. At first he is staring at her. It must be her smell like flowers that attracted the bee--and Justin.After he snatched the bee of her head, now she's gazing at him. We get the idea that he is initially attracted to her but she brushes him off as a pervert. After he got the bee, he's her hero. Cleverly done. Requires some thought. Best of luck in the contest. judi
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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I'm afraid this eludes me. I'm wondering how Justin got to be Sir Justin. At first he is staring at her. It must be her smell like flowers that attracted the bee--and Justin.After he snatched the bee of her head, now she's gazing at him. We get the idea that he is initially attracted to her but she brushes him off as a pervert. After he got the bee, he's her hero. Cleverly done. Requires some thought. Best of luck in the contest. judi
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you much. You are absolutely right about this.
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You're very welcome. It took me a while to catch on to the similar wording. judi
Comment from robyn corum
L.,
hahahaha Well, there you go. That's what you get for judging folks, isn't it? But it sounds like there's a chance for romance... maybe?
This was a fun story and nicely met the criteria for the contest. Good luck!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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L.,
hahahaha Well, there you go. That's what you get for judging folks, isn't it? But it sounds like there's a chance for romance... maybe?
This was a fun story and nicely met the criteria for the contest. Good luck!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you vey much.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear lancellot, The only trouble with this flash fiction is that it leaves me hanging . . . an uncomfortable emotion to be sure, I don't know if you could write one that would tell a whole story, but it would be one heck of a challenge for any writer. Try it!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Dear lancellot, The only trouble with this flash fiction is that it leaves me hanging . . . an uncomfortable emotion to be sure, I don't know if you could write one that would tell a whole story, but it would be one heck of a challenge for any writer. Try it!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you. I wrote a different one, but I thought it may be too offensive. So I went with this one.
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Did you try to write a whole story? with no weird at all?
Comment from barbara.wilkey
LOL This is a cute contest entry. I enjoyed reading. This short scenario could go many different ways. But will probably stop here leaving the rest to my imagination. LOL Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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LOL This is a cute contest entry. I enjoyed reading. This short scenario could go many different ways. But will probably stop here leaving the rest to my imagination. LOL Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
I enjoyed reading this flash fiction. So much expressed in fifty words and the end is left to the imagination of the reader. I like that style. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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I enjoyed reading this flash fiction. So much expressed in fifty words and the end is left to the imagination of the reader. I like that style. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from AnnieDawn
Well, it certainly leaves the reader open to whatever the imagination wants to finish the story. I guess to write a story in 50 words is difficult and it seems like you have tackled it well. Looks like a good entry to me. Nice job.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Well, it certainly leaves the reader open to whatever the imagination wants to finish the story. I guess to write a story in 50 words is difficult and it seems like you have tackled it well. Looks like a good entry to me. Nice job.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is the ultimate in auto-interpretation of a story... take three words out of the displayed text (I would change one day to once and remove: 'at him' in the 4th sentence (redundant with Perv)
= 3 add-ins to restore the word count:
1st line stared endlessly at (= stronger) +1
2nd couplet was very annoyed (= grammatically correct) +1
End, change tense to show relationship change (every day to always (in line with change at beginning -1; contraction changes count by -1 delete her = -1 so 4 to add total) Every day Samantha gazes at Justin; she can't stop. He's...>Always Samantha gazes ceaselessly (+1) at Justin; she can't stop. He's her unheralded hero (+3).
I Found it interesting to try and step into your shoes even though I'm not sure it's what you want. I hope itis what you were sort of expecting, and that you receive a lot of suggestions, to create at least something brilliant if not perfect.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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This is the ultimate in auto-interpretation of a story... take three words out of the displayed text (I would change one day to once and remove: 'at him' in the 4th sentence (redundant with Perv)
= 3 add-ins to restore the word count:
1st line stared endlessly at (= stronger) +1
2nd couplet was very annoyed (= grammatically correct) +1
End, change tense to show relationship change (every day to always (in line with change at beginning -1; contraction changes count by -1 delete her = -1 so 4 to add total) Every day Samantha gazes at Justin; she can't stop. He's...>Always Samantha gazes ceaselessly (+1) at Justin; she can't stop. He's her unheralded hero (+3).
I Found it interesting to try and step into your shoes even though I'm not sure it's what you want. I hope itis what you were sort of expecting, and that you receive a lot of suggestions, to create at least something brilliant if not perfect.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Oh, wow - this was great! Your fifty words carried volumes. A very apt dribble flash fiction about these young people who obviously have an attraction for one another but have a weird way of showing it (lol).
Great imagery and visuals, loved the artwork. Good luck in the contest! This should do well.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Oh, wow - this was great! Your fifty words carried volumes. A very apt dribble flash fiction about these young people who obviously have an attraction for one another but have a weird way of showing it (lol).
Great imagery and visuals, loved the artwork. Good luck in the contest! This should do well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, the complications of the birds and the bees. Funny how the tables can turn on a dime. Nice succinct story. Should do well with the Committee.
'What(,) Perv?'
Best of luck, Lance.
Peace, Lee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Ah, the complications of the birds and the bees. Funny how the tables can turn on a dime. Nice succinct story. Should do well with the Committee.
'What(,) Perv?'
Best of luck, Lance.
Peace, Lee
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2020
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Thank you very much.