Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from ElPoetry001
Excellent poem about Mankind.
Born--life-sorrow-death; The beginning and end of a person; but what of the middle.
Many women go through life unappreciated, never acknowledged, never affirmed, but touching many whose journey is made easier for her being there; Mother Teresa.
Mother Teresa is white; no, she has no color, no specific name; only the generic name which signifies a caregiver; "The Mother-Teresa--of India--of the world.
Our greatest treasure: our Mothers.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Excellent poem about Mankind.
Born--life-sorrow-death; The beginning and end of a person; but what of the middle.
Many women go through life unappreciated, never acknowledged, never affirmed, but touching many whose journey is made easier for her being there; Mother Teresa.
Mother Teresa is white; no, she has no color, no specific name; only the generic name which signifies a caregiver; "The Mother-Teresa--of India--of the world.
Our greatest treasure: our Mothers.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Elp.
Comment from TSPoet
WOW
Stab of pain slice me with your words here
Emotional and such interesting line choices
"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
"
WOW, this line has visuals and emotions that are truly ignited.
Well writing
Thank you
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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WOW
Stab of pain slice me with your words here
Emotional and such interesting line choices
"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart
"
WOW, this line has visuals and emotions that are truly ignited.
Well writing
Thank you
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you TS.
Comment from Bep Kororoti
There's a lot of expressiveness in this and it seems you spent a lot of time thinking of your words, but I can't help but think this might be a misrepresentation of the actual painting. Do you happen to remember the title or artist? It doesn't make sense that an old decrepit woman would be holding her own baby. Perhaps a grandchild, or another villagers baby, but being "old and decrepit" would reflect infertility. The description "like a raisin loosing it's breath" seems illogical as well. How is a raisin, being itself a shriveled grape, be loosing breath? Especially as a raisin isn't something that breathes. Even the picture you use looks more like it's intent is to celebrate an earthly tribal people, not a woman on the brink of death. I don't think it's purpose is to withdraw sympathy for a viewer, but to draw attention to a down to earth humble culture. The poem itself is good, though. Peace -Bep
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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There's a lot of expressiveness in this and it seems you spent a lot of time thinking of your words, but I can't help but think this might be a misrepresentation of the actual painting. Do you happen to remember the title or artist? It doesn't make sense that an old decrepit woman would be holding her own baby. Perhaps a grandchild, or another villagers baby, but being "old and decrepit" would reflect infertility. The description "like a raisin loosing it's breath" seems illogical as well. How is a raisin, being itself a shriveled grape, be loosing breath? Especially as a raisin isn't something that breathes. Even the picture you use looks more like it's intent is to celebrate an earthly tribal people, not a woman on the brink of death. I don't think it's purpose is to withdraw sympathy for a viewer, but to draw attention to a down to earth humble culture. The poem itself is good, though. Peace -Bep
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you for the honest advice Bep.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a terrible deprived
life some of these people
go through.. they have so
little and ask for nothing,
and still they suffer until
the end.
I found this quite disturbing to read...
well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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What a terrible deprived
life some of these people
go through.. they have so
little and ask for nothing,
and still they suffer until
the end.
I found this quite disturbing to read...
well-penned, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Margaret.
Comment from DrearyMouse
This is really beautiful. I am completely drawn in. I love the lyricism.
I was afraid at first it would tend toward sentimentality, but it doesn't. You manage to demand the reader's compassion without being "ooey gooey" :)
I'm not sure I get "like a raisin losing its breath." It disturbed the flow for me, because I kept thinking--but raisins don't breathe. However, who am I to say that poetry shouldn't allow a raisin to breathe if it wants to.
It reads like a very old poem, but in a good way. Like something one might find in a book of fairy tales.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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This is really beautiful. I am completely drawn in. I love the lyricism.
I was afraid at first it would tend toward sentimentality, but it doesn't. You manage to demand the reader's compassion without being "ooey gooey" :)
I'm not sure I get "like a raisin losing its breath." It disturbed the flow for me, because I kept thinking--but raisins don't breathe. However, who am I to say that poetry shouldn't allow a raisin to breathe if it wants to.
It reads like a very old poem, but in a good way. Like something one might find in a book of fairy tales.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you mouse.
Comment from judiverse
Hi, Boz Roz, you have written a powerful poem about the painting you saw. "Old Decrepit Woman" makes a good title, and I liked the way you repeated the phrase. Excellent word choice--"weltering,ravished and ripped apart." "A raisin losing its breath" is fine imagery. You show great feeling for your subject. It's interesting how different people can have a different take on a subject. Great work in presenting your interpretation. judiverse
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Hi, Boz Roz, you have written a powerful poem about the painting you saw. "Old Decrepit Woman" makes a good title, and I liked the way you repeated the phrase. Excellent word choice--"weltering,ravished and ripped apart." "A raisin losing its breath" is fine imagery. You show great feeling for your subject. It's interesting how different people can have a different take on a subject. Great work in presenting your interpretation. judiverse
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Judi.
Comment from ernesto escarro
Old Decrepit Woman Revised
You pity a one seems decaying old woman,
holding a bruised beaten baby.
Just a reminder innocent are to die.
Decrepit woman now decaying
worms eating her rotting flesh.
If you know only it is you
who are planned to die in this era of
history.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
|
Old Decrepit Woman Revised
You pity a one seems decaying old woman,
holding a bruised beaten baby.
Just a reminder innocent are to die.
Decrepit woman now decaying
worms eating her rotting flesh.
If you know only it is you
who are planned to die in this era of
history.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Ernesto.
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Welcome. God bless.
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Boz Roz. This is a extremely sad verse and hard to think about. All of us, if we live long enough will take her place. I disagree with the poem. It isn't the just the innocent ones who must die. The only innocent ones who die are the babies. Thank you for sharing this. It's good free verse.
April
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Hi, Boz Roz. This is a extremely sad verse and hard to think about. All of us, if we live long enough will take her place. I disagree with the poem. It isn't the just the innocent ones who must die. The only innocent ones who die are the babies. Thank you for sharing this. It's good free verse.
April
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you April.
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You're welcome, Boz.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Boz,
This is a great poem with excellent word selection and even flow. The picture you chose serves to enhance your words. You have penned a lyrical rhyme which adds to the charm of this piece. Well done, chey
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Hi Boz,
This is a great poem with excellent word selection and even flow. The picture you chose serves to enhance your words. You have penned a lyrical rhyme which adds to the charm of this piece. Well done, chey
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Chey.
Comment from MelissaBickel
This is rich in detail and imagery. The metaphoric writing for this woman fits very well! It's true though there are times we are not in control of how our life is dictated.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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This is rich in detail and imagery. The metaphoric writing for this woman fits very well! It's true though there are times we are not in control of how our life is dictated.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2011
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Thank you Melissa.