All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Butterfly in a Box"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
116 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
OOOOoooooohhhh... love that ending! You show the bastard! Butteflies will mutate and develop fangs if they are not free to fly! Verrry good!!!
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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OOOOoooooohhhh... love that ending! You show the bastard! Butteflies will mutate and develop fangs if they are not free to fly! Verrry good!!!
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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you betcha Phyllis! thank you my dear! :) Sharyn
Comment from c_lucas
A butterfly has a brief life span and I cannot see it as being harmful. I can see a relationship deteriating until one of the two is in danger. This is a good read.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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A butterfly has a brief life span and I cannot see it as being harmful. I can see a relationship deteriating until one of the two is in danger. This is a good read.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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aah but this one is mutating Charlie! grrrr! thx very much my dear! :) Sharyn
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Do you mean Morphing from a caterpillar to a butterfly?
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nope - you can mutate into anything you like - so in this case, this butterfly might just decide to have a longer life span, just to get even, yes?
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okay. I see where you are coming from.
Comment from tklivory
Excellent construction of the concept, at its most basic the model of a predator pursuing its prey. Carrying the reader through the viewpoint of the victim, I enjoyed watching the line-of-thought and healing (or maturation) of the butterfly/prey figure, and thought the composition (particularly going to one word per line at the end) was effective.
There were a couple of phrases that seemed awkward (life light thievery, feebly foolish butterfly) - the alliteration effect is nice, but I think not *effective*, if that makes sense. Just a thought I had while reading it, it was as if I noticed the words themselves more than what you were trying to convey with them.
Still, quite a lovely poem. Thank you!
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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Excellent construction of the concept, at its most basic the model of a predator pursuing its prey. Carrying the reader through the viewpoint of the victim, I enjoyed watching the line-of-thought and healing (or maturation) of the butterfly/prey figure, and thought the composition (particularly going to one word per line at the end) was effective.
There were a couple of phrases that seemed awkward (life light thievery, feebly foolish butterfly) - the alliteration effect is nice, but I think not *effective*, if that makes sense. Just a thought I had while reading it, it was as if I noticed the words themselves more than what you were trying to convey with them.
Still, quite a lovely poem. Thank you!
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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thx tk - killed off the "feebly" - though I like the "life light thievery" ... will think a little more about that one ... thank you very much for a "real" review (not a "very nice dear now let me take those $$" one - much appreciated). Best wishes, Sharyn
Comment from Cobalt Blue
Well, much different than your usual, which is why I like it! This displays strength. An assertiveness. An introspection and an unwillingness to be a doormat. All very good! And told in a wonderful poetic manner.
And it's only my opinion, it could be right or wrong, but ditch the red! It seems angry and it seems bloody. Let the words show your emotions, not the background colors. Yes, it has its effect and yes it is widely used here at FS as a prop of sorts, but the poem stands well on its own. Get rid of the accessories and let your poetry be by itself. The color is so strong it takes the shine off the words. In the poem you are standing up alone for yourself. Let your poetry stand by itself too! Just a thought!
Now, the other thing that got my undivided attention was this line:
"like a feebly foolish butterfly"
It seems like a bit of an overcooked alliteration there. by that I mean it seems deliberate whereas a good alliteration feels accidental. If that makes sense. And then I just can't
figure whether this is grammatically correct or not. Something feels amiss here. "Feebly" is an adverb. Where is the verb it is modifying? It seems to be enhancing "foolish". Now, maybe I'm crazy but that seems awkwward to me. How about "like a feeble foolish butterfly"? Or "like a foolish feeble butterfly"? (that seems best to me because it aligns the f's and the b's in a double alliteration which falls into place...accidentally!)
Anyway, maybe I'm full of crap. Won't be the first time. Won't be the last. But I'm giving you the best review I can because I like this poem the best of what you've posted lately.
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reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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Well, much different than your usual, which is why I like it! This displays strength. An assertiveness. An introspection and an unwillingness to be a doormat. All very good! And told in a wonderful poetic manner.
And it's only my opinion, it could be right or wrong, but ditch the red! It seems angry and it seems bloody. Let the words show your emotions, not the background colors. Yes, it has its effect and yes it is widely used here at FS as a prop of sorts, but the poem stands well on its own. Get rid of the accessories and let your poetry be by itself. The color is so strong it takes the shine off the words. In the poem you are standing up alone for yourself. Let your poetry stand by itself too! Just a thought!
Now, the other thing that got my undivided attention was this line:
"like a feebly foolish butterfly"
It seems like a bit of an overcooked alliteration there. by that I mean it seems deliberate whereas a good alliteration feels accidental. If that makes sense. And then I just can't
figure whether this is grammatically correct or not. Something feels amiss here. "Feebly" is an adverb. Where is the verb it is modifying? It seems to be enhancing "foolish". Now, maybe I'm crazy but that seems awkwward to me. How about "like a feeble foolish butterfly"? Or "like a foolish feeble butterfly"? (that seems best to me because it aligns the f's and the b's in a double alliteration which falls into place...accidentally!)
Anyway, maybe I'm full of crap. Won't be the first time. Won't be the last. But I'm giving you the best review I can because I like this poem the best of what you've posted lately.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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thx CB - I'll think about the red - I rather liked it for this write, but will fiddle a bit - took your advice and killed off "feebly" - thx for that catch! And, full of crap or not, I always appreciate a review that is "real" rather than "lovely dear"! :) Sharyn
Comment from paul O'Brien
Good one -- says it all- powerful, well - expressed summation of reality-- no funny puns--wow.if he does open the box -pow
he's going to be butterfly meat. It certainly engauges the reader emotionally and with empathy.
you won't believe this I had the choice of reading your new on- line or help a friend paint a butterfly.
I'm now going to paint that butterfly before I run out of time
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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Good one -- says it all- powerful, well - expressed summation of reality-- no funny puns--wow.if he does open the box -pow
he's going to be butterfly meat. It certainly engauges the reader emotionally and with empathy.
you won't believe this I had the choice of reading your new on- line or help a friend paint a butterfly.
I'm now going to paint that butterfly before I run out of time
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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and double thanks! :)
Comment from rgabel
I admit, I'm not one for poetry, but this one caught my attention. You've weaved some wonderful mind pictures. A whole story about a stressful relationship spun in thought evoking words. I especially liked the line, 'reverse your life light thievery'. Excellent. The ending was the best, a sarcastic line with the great weight of threat behind it. Thank you, this was a most thought provoking bit of writing.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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I admit, I'm not one for poetry, but this one caught my attention. You've weaved some wonderful mind pictures. A whole story about a stressful relationship spun in thought evoking words. I especially liked the line, 'reverse your life light thievery'. Excellent. The ending was the best, a sarcastic line with the great weight of threat behind it. Thank you, this was a most thought provoking bit of writing.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2012
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and a double thank you! :) Sharyn