White Lady Revised
a semi ballad about a very nefarious woman.134 total reviews
Comment from jhp124gr
Interesting lines you have written, appears she got what she deserved. This is a good poem but could be better with a little edit. I would recomment a review of comma placement as well as removing several of the "and" there are five in the first thriteen lines.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Interesting lines you have written, appears she got what she deserved. This is a good poem but could be better with a little edit. I would recomment a review of comma placement as well as removing several of the "and" there are five in the first thriteen lines.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you for the advice jph.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes I liked this it contains very strong descriptions and reads very well through out the work I enjoyed and it is beautifully presented regards Jill
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Yes I liked this it contains very strong descriptions and reads very well through out the work I enjoyed and it is beautifully presented regards Jill
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you Jill.
Comment from Patty Mazzurco
This is unique and creative, I like the unusual forma and imagery you've used. The line below really says it all about this woman. Nice work!
WOW! LOVE THIS LINE!! *She puts the rose on her lover's grave
Even though he is still a living and breathing man.*
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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This is unique and creative, I like the unusual forma and imagery you've used. The line below really says it all about this woman. Nice work!
WOW! LOVE THIS LINE!! *She puts the rose on her lover's grave
Even though he is still a living and breathing man.*
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you Patty.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Justin,
I kept wondering if this white lady was evil or good throughout the poem. I guess she is neither but is a victim of Satan forever doomed to lie in her grave.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Dear Justin,
I kept wondering if this white lady was evil or good throughout the poem. I guess she is neither but is a victim of Satan forever doomed to lie in her grave.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you for the review Winslow.
Comment from Kingsland
This poem has good emotions in its thoughts process. It also has a lot of extra and's in it that are not needed making the poem a bit wordy. Examples are as follows.
Even though he is still a living and breathing man. > and is not needed in this phrase
Oh she has such a Yin and Yang personality. > remove and
She laughs in a state of elation with pure and unadulterated joy. > remove and
Her final death in the doomy and desperate skies > remove and
And her love of life and living never dies. > remove first and
And Beelzebub > remove and
With these extra words removed. It would make this a better piece of poetry... John
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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This poem has good emotions in its thoughts process. It also has a lot of extra and's in it that are not needed making the poem a bit wordy. Examples are as follows.
Even though he is still a living and breathing man. > and is not needed in this phrase
Oh she has such a Yin and Yang personality. > remove and
She laughs in a state of elation with pure and unadulterated joy. > remove and
Her final death in the doomy and desperate skies > remove and
And her love of life and living never dies. > remove first and
And Beelzebub > remove and
With these extra words removed. It would make this a better piece of poetry... John
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you for your advice John.
Comment from ernesto escarro
The White Lady
The lady who caused the death of her lover
is an example of instrument used by the devil
destructing humanity.
A lady in white to give face of reality in evil manner,
destroys the life of mankind.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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The White Lady
The lady who caused the death of her lover
is an example of instrument used by the devil
destructing humanity.
A lady in white to give face of reality in evil manner,
destroys the life of mankind.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you Ernesto
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thanks.
Comment from c_lucas
You did an excellent job of writing about the complexity of the character of all women. The yin and the yang; the good and evil. Good job.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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You did an excellent job of writing about the complexity of the character of all women. The yin and the yang; the good and evil. Good job.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you lucas.
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You're welcome, Justine. Charlie
Comment from Jaxson Phoenix
You might want to revisit the punctuation on this line: "Yet she is a being that no man woman or child" A comma would be in order I think.
Other than that I found it to be an enjoyable work of poetry. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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You might want to revisit the punctuation on this line: "Yet she is a being that no man woman or child" A comma would be in order I think.
Other than that I found it to be an enjoyable work of poetry. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you Jaxson.
Comment from Janet Foor
The white lady you describe in your ballad certainly is a detestable woman. The imagery you portrayed with your skillfully chosen words, gives one pause.
Good work.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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The white lady you describe in your ballad certainly is a detestable woman. The imagery you portrayed with your skillfully chosen words, gives one pause.
Good work.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you Jmf.
Comment from tango494
Lol, I think most men have come across a whit witch or two in their lives. Awesome poem, I loved the format and the words flowed smoothly and evenly. Great job!!!!!
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Lol, I think most men have come across a whit witch or two in their lives. Awesome poem, I loved the format and the words flowed smoothly and evenly. Great job!!!!!
Comment Written 11-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2012
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Thank you tango.
