Old Decrepit Woman Revised.
Written about a painting I saw.177 total reviews
Comment from Rose Hearth
I didn't read the original, but this revised edition is wonderful. It is very powerful and the last line sums it up nicely, "...it was all planned." C'est la vie, eh?
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I didn't read the original, but this revised edition is wonderful. It is very powerful and the last line sums it up nicely, "...it was all planned." C'est la vie, eh?
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Rose.
Comment from Jewell McChesney
Hi there. All the way through, I wondered if " old decrepit woman" was a metaphor for the USA ora wayward "bride" (the church).
You have raw talent and wow! I've never seen a thing. Promoted over a buck or so, here.
Good luck with your talent!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Hi there. All the way through, I wondered if " old decrepit woman" was a metaphor for the USA ora wayward "bride" (the church).
You have raw talent and wow! I've never seen a thing. Promoted over a buck or so, here.
Good luck with your talent!
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Poet.
Comment from DonandVicki
As Jesus once said "There will always be poor" I enjoyed your well constructed poem about the poorest of the poor. Good rhyming structure. Don
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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As Jesus once said "There will always be poor" I enjoyed your well constructed poem about the poorest of the poor. Good rhyming structure. Don
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Don.
Comment from Katchoo_Ledeux
I like the sentiment; anyone can clearly see that this artwork touched you. Since you have that empathy, you can truly go far.
Honestly, the poem read somewhat awkward and confusing to me. It seems like there is much you want to say in this piece, but the thoughts aren't fully developed, as you move from one topic to the next with little said on each. Basically, I think you're trying to do too much here by describing the landscape, Poseidon, and the woman. I think it would be best if you pick one topic and fully concentrate on that.
The 'old decrepit woman' line used throughout could be a very nice touch to tie this piece together, but I don't feel the sentiment matches the rest of the poem, because there's no empathy in that line, in fact, it sounds more derogatory than sympathetic to me. Since this is such an important line in this work, I really think it needs to somehow encompass the overall feelings from the poet.
The final main disconnect I perceived here is that you speak of this woman holding a baby, which she is not in the picture. Using your imagination to see what this woman might be doing at another point in time - like holding a baby - is great, but I think when you're working with an ekphrastic, the intention is to stick to the information the original artwork gives you, rather than adding your own details. Especially in this case, where you describe the baby as 'bruised and beaten'. That's a pretty big detail to add. Not only does it really take the attention away from the woman, but it leads one to wonder how the baby could have come to be bruised and beaten... casting a shadow of suspicion on your sweet lady.
Other than that, a couple of minor nits:
The words 'had' and 'of' were used quite a lot here when there was no need for them. I felt it took a bit away from the power of your stronger words.
Suggest removing the title from within the poem, as it's already directly above and since it is also your main line throughout the poem, it can be seen as overdone, which also takes away a bit from it's power.
A couple of lines I greatly enjoyed:
Hold on dear lady.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I like the sentiment; anyone can clearly see that this artwork touched you. Since you have that empathy, you can truly go far.
Honestly, the poem read somewhat awkward and confusing to me. It seems like there is much you want to say in this piece, but the thoughts aren't fully developed, as you move from one topic to the next with little said on each. Basically, I think you're trying to do too much here by describing the landscape, Poseidon, and the woman. I think it would be best if you pick one topic and fully concentrate on that.
The 'old decrepit woman' line used throughout could be a very nice touch to tie this piece together, but I don't feel the sentiment matches the rest of the poem, because there's no empathy in that line, in fact, it sounds more derogatory than sympathetic to me. Since this is such an important line in this work, I really think it needs to somehow encompass the overall feelings from the poet.
The final main disconnect I perceived here is that you speak of this woman holding a baby, which she is not in the picture. Using your imagination to see what this woman might be doing at another point in time - like holding a baby - is great, but I think when you're working with an ekphrastic, the intention is to stick to the information the original artwork gives you, rather than adding your own details. Especially in this case, where you describe the baby as 'bruised and beaten'. That's a pretty big detail to add. Not only does it really take the attention away from the woman, but it leads one to wonder how the baby could have come to be bruised and beaten... casting a shadow of suspicion on your sweet lady.
Other than that, a couple of minor nits:
The words 'had' and 'of' were used quite a lot here when there was no need for them. I felt it took a bit away from the power of your stronger words.
Suggest removing the title from within the poem, as it's already directly above and since it is also your main line throughout the poem, it can be seen as overdone, which also takes away a bit from it's power.
A couple of lines I greatly enjoyed:
Hold on dear lady.
Like a raisin losing its breath.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Ledeux.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Wow, BozRoz, I have learned a lot today! This was a very interesting story attached to an interesting poem. (author notes) I didn't know all that about Poseidon either, just knew he was the God of the sea. The thing is, without your a/notes, I wouldn't have understood the poem. Thanks for sharing all that. Giddy
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Wow, BozRoz, I have learned a lot today! This was a very interesting story attached to an interesting poem. (author notes) I didn't know all that about Poseidon either, just knew he was the God of the sea. The thing is, without your a/notes, I wouldn't have understood the poem. Thanks for sharing all that. Giddy
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Giddy.
Comment from KathyH
I really appreciate the subject of this poem and you write descriptively and with passion. For me this could have more continuity. There are many strong phrases but it feels like they don't necessarily build on each other. For example, you describe a"raisin loosing breath" and then follow with Putrid Posedien.
Some great lines and strong sentiment but for me the flow could be improved. Kathy
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I really appreciate the subject of this poem and you write descriptively and with passion. For me this could have more continuity. There are many strong phrases but it feels like they don't necessarily build on each other. For example, you describe a"raisin loosing breath" and then follow with Putrid Posedien.
Some great lines and strong sentiment but for me the flow could be improved. Kathy
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Kathy.
Comment from ameen786
Hello Boz, your superb poetry reflect the reality of old age that we humans face one day, the repeting of 'Old decrepit woman' has a great impact in the theme, very vivid verses and my favorite,"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart like a raisin losing its breath." Great job poet!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Hello Boz, your superb poetry reflect the reality of old age that we humans face one day, the repeting of 'Old decrepit woman' has a great impact in the theme, very vivid verses and my favorite,"Old decrepit woman, weltering, ravished and ripped apart like a raisin losing its breath." Great job poet!
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Ameen.
Comment from rheabug
This is a very good presentation for the FS community. I loved the picture of the woman. I also liked your author's notes about the poem and painting. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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This is a very good presentation for the FS community. I loved the picture of the woman. I also liked your author's notes about the poem and painting. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Rhea.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
I like your poetry Boz ... one writer told me once that when you get published the author's notes aren't included that the piece has to stand on its own. I suppose it's the same using pictures and music. Your piece is good and would easily stand on its own. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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I like your poetry Boz ... one writer told me once that when you get published the author's notes aren't included that the piece has to stand on its own. I suppose it's the same using pictures and music. Your piece is good and would easily stand on its own. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you Kiwi.
Comment from AHdaily
So sad but very true....I am blessed to have lived my life in a democracy...but it hurts the soul knowing the poor innocent ones will never know...great poem...may one day humanity will change together.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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So sad but very true....I am blessed to have lived my life in a democracy...but it hurts the soul knowing the poor innocent ones will never know...great poem...may one day humanity will change together.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2011
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2011
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Thank you very much AH.