Miscellaneous stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "The Dishevelled Man"Fiction and non-fiction prose
13 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Very interesting character here. I can't help but wonder if he is the killer or just one of those creeps who collects clippings. Well done. Thank you for sharing this well-written portrait of a character,
~patty~
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2017
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Very interesting character here. I can't help but wonder if he is the killer or just one of those creeps who collects clippings. Well done. Thank you for sharing this well-written portrait of a character,
~patty~
Comment Written 28-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2017
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Hi Patty. Thanks for the kind words, much appreciated. Craig
Comment from F. Wehr3
I enjoyed this one, Craig. It's wonderfully descriptive, and you hooked me about thinking who this man is and what's his story. The ending begs the question as to whether or not he's involved in something a lot more sinister.
Great job,
Russell
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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I enjoyed this one, Craig. It's wonderfully descriptive, and you hooked me about thinking who this man is and what's his story. The ending begs the question as to whether or not he's involved in something a lot more sinister.
Great job,
Russell
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thanks very much, Russell, for the lovely comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Craig
Comment from alf collier
Oh No!!! I came to the end!!! I am hardly able to concentrate on much at the moment, but I started to read, (thinking I would probably lose the thread) and horror of horrors.... you stopped writing!!! This is something I want more of , and you have well succeeded in your mission!!!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Oh No!!! I came to the end!!! I am hardly able to concentrate on much at the moment, but I started to read, (thinking I would probably lose the thread) and horror of horrors.... you stopped writing!!! This is something I want more of , and you have well succeeded in your mission!!!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thanks for the wonderful comments, Alf, and the delightful gift of six stars. What has got you not able to concentrate? Nothing bad, I hope. Much appreciated - Craig
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Craig,
Nice opening line. Why's he dishevelled and slow? Second line shows his disinterest but still give the reader some detailing of the environment.
I did notice though in the opening paragraph the adverbs - slowly/firmly/hurriedly/ freshly/ - that's four in six sentences. I know it doesn't seem like much but it stood out a little for me. However the attention to detail is very good in establishing setting.
The second paragraph whilst adding depth to the character of the main character is a swing in perspective away from him before a swift return in the third.
A couple of houses before the corner, the man stopped and opened the wrought-iron gate of an unobtrusive-looking single-story property, making his way along the red concrete path and up the front steps onto the verandah.- if you read this sentence again, I think it doesn't really go anywhere. You may need something like 'before' to come in front of making to give it that direction.
bread was placed into the bread-keeper - we'd call it a bread bin.
Lindfield mother of three still missing - next village over from where I used to live in West Sussex, England was Lindfield. lol
All in all, very nice entry. Lots of questions raised.
Shame so many in the group didn't take part. Ah well, maybe next time.
G
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Hi Craig,
Nice opening line. Why's he dishevelled and slow? Second line shows his disinterest but still give the reader some detailing of the environment.
I did notice though in the opening paragraph the adverbs - slowly/firmly/hurriedly/ freshly/ - that's four in six sentences. I know it doesn't seem like much but it stood out a little for me. However the attention to detail is very good in establishing setting.
The second paragraph whilst adding depth to the character of the main character is a swing in perspective away from him before a swift return in the third.
A couple of houses before the corner, the man stopped and opened the wrought-iron gate of an unobtrusive-looking single-story property, making his way along the red concrete path and up the front steps onto the verandah.- if you read this sentence again, I think it doesn't really go anywhere. You may need something like 'before' to come in front of making to give it that direction.
bread was placed into the bread-keeper - we'd call it a bread bin.
Lindfield mother of three still missing - next village over from where I used to live in West Sussex, England was Lindfield. lol
All in all, very nice entry. Lots of questions raised.
Shame so many in the group didn't take part. Ah well, maybe next time.
G
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thanks for the excellent review, Gman. I appreciate the suggestions, and agree the particular sentence you point out could be improved.
I've been to West Sussex. The firm I worked for a few decades ago operated their business from an old manor - Crabbet Park House, in Crawley. Horrible working conditions - not!
I was looking at the stats for this piece yesterday - I had 9 reviews from 36 people who opened it. One in four bothering to comment is pretty poor - even for me. Usually I manage one in three lol Things picked up a little with three reviews overnight, though. Hopefully next time, as you say, more will take part.
Cheers, Craig.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Well Craig if part of the exercise for the character building prompt is to write a story that we want to read more of I reckon you've certainly ticked that one off.
the ubiquitous cockroaches scurrying hurriedly about - love that description of the busy people all hurrying about their daily lives.
Well done, I enjoyed this,
cheers.
valda
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Well Craig if part of the exercise for the character building prompt is to write a story that we want to read more of I reckon you've certainly ticked that one off.
the ubiquitous cockroaches scurrying hurriedly about - love that description of the busy people all hurrying about their daily lives.
Well done, I enjoyed this,
cheers.
valda
Comment Written 25-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for the lovely review, Valda, and the delightful rating. I'm glad you enjoyed my submission. Whether there'll be more - who knows? Have a great rest of your weekend, and thanks again. Craig
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, I really did like this entry. You build the story nicely and the same of the man who we don;t know anything about. What is he doing with all those paper clips. I'm intrigued, and I want to read on. Well done. All the best. Ulla;))
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Hi there, I really did like this entry. You build the story nicely and the same of the man who we don;t know anything about. What is he doing with all those paper clips. I'm intrigued, and I want to read on. Well done. All the best. Ulla;))
Comment Written 22-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Thanks very much for the kind comments, Ulla, and for taking the time to read my story. Much appreciated - Craig
Comment from rama devi
very clever closing twist. Excellent use of descriptive detail to enhance characterization. Excellent pacing. The sentences tend to be quite long, but they flow well with fine sentence mechanics. Just noted a few spag and minor nits:
NOTES
* His eyes were firmly fixed on the ground, taking in the shimmering heat radiating from the concrete,(NO COMMA) and the ubiquitous cockroaches scurrying hurriedly about their daily business.
Suggest not using WERE fixed. Just fixed.
* The shopkeeper was also intrigued at the man's ill-fitting suit that looked like it had been bought from the local Op Shop,(NO COMMA) and appeared totally out of place with the tattered white Adidas runners with the cracked blue stripes.
Remember, after conjunctions, not comma is used if it is followed by a dependent clause.
*Is COSY UK seplling? IN USA it is cozy.
I noticed other UK spellings, but am unsure:
cosy little room.
* "Have you seen this woman?" enquired another.
inquired
Enjoyed. Well written.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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very clever closing twist. Excellent use of descriptive detail to enhance characterization. Excellent pacing. The sentences tend to be quite long, but they flow well with fine sentence mechanics. Just noted a few spag and minor nits:
NOTES
* His eyes were firmly fixed on the ground, taking in the shimmering heat radiating from the concrete,(NO COMMA) and the ubiquitous cockroaches scurrying hurriedly about their daily business.
Suggest not using WERE fixed. Just fixed.
* The shopkeeper was also intrigued at the man's ill-fitting suit that looked like it had been bought from the local Op Shop,(NO COMMA) and appeared totally out of place with the tattered white Adidas runners with the cracked blue stripes.
Remember, after conjunctions, not comma is used if it is followed by a dependent clause.
*Is COSY UK seplling? IN USA it is cozy.
I noticed other UK spellings, but am unsure:
cosy little room.
* "Have you seen this woman?" enquired another.
inquired
Enjoyed. Well written.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 22-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Thanks so much, RD, for checking out my submission and for the helpful comments. I have removed the offending commas. Also, although to my ears "were fixed" sounds more correct, I've gone with your suggestion there too. Cosy and enquired are correct in UK English. Much appreciated - Craig
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Hi Craig,
You built a most interesting character here. The man has wealth, as evidenced by his big wad of money and by his artwork. He is "dishevelled" though, which isn't really in keeping with a man of means, though he could be an eccentric type, or just plain weird.
Great descriptions throughout this piece, and you pique your reader's curiosity about this fellow. From your descriptions I could clearly visualize this man. Your surprise ending gave me the creeps (which is a good thing). Is this chap a serial killer? Why would he keep all of those clippings? The reader would have to read more of this entertaining story to find out if that is the case.
Well thought out, well developed character, and entertaining. ~~ Connie
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Hi Craig,
You built a most interesting character here. The man has wealth, as evidenced by his big wad of money and by his artwork. He is "dishevelled" though, which isn't really in keeping with a man of means, though he could be an eccentric type, or just plain weird.
Great descriptions throughout this piece, and you pique your reader's curiosity about this fellow. From your descriptions I could clearly visualize this man. Your surprise ending gave me the creeps (which is a good thing). Is this chap a serial killer? Why would he keep all of those clippings? The reader would have to read more of this entertaining story to find out if that is the case.
Well thought out, well developed character, and entertaining. ~~ Connie
Comment Written 22-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Thank you so much for the lovely comments and the delightful rating, Connie. I'm glad it piqued your curiosity - the questions you raise are what I had hoped for. I'm very grateful, and glad you enjoyed it. Craig
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written character building piece. We always notice someone who stands out in a crowd. It seems they don't belong in the picture, and we always wonder what is their story.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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A very well-written character building piece. We always notice someone who stands out in a crowd. It seems they don't belong in the picture, and we always wonder what is their story.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2017
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Thanks for the kind words, Sandra. Much appreciated - Craig.
Comment from Gloria ....
This is quite a revealing character sketch, Craig. Of course the Rum Rebellion sent me off to Ms Google and figured uh huh! The plot gets thicker. I though for a minute there maybe he was a rum runner. Some great good "showing" of tone and mood with the cockroaches, sweat and blistering hot heat. That certainly is foreshadowing to his state of mind, even though he might be largely unaware of it. lol.
Anyway with the little signs everywhere of wealth with the teacup, original artwork and even Adidas a few things could be true. He might be a sleuth, he might be an escapee of the trappings of wealth, or the government is after him. lol.
Wonderful job and I can see a novel coming out of this opening.
Gloria
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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This is quite a revealing character sketch, Craig. Of course the Rum Rebellion sent me off to Ms Google and figured uh huh! The plot gets thicker. I though for a minute there maybe he was a rum runner. Some great good "showing" of tone and mood with the cockroaches, sweat and blistering hot heat. That certainly is foreshadowing to his state of mind, even though he might be largely unaware of it. lol.
Anyway with the little signs everywhere of wealth with the teacup, original artwork and even Adidas a few things could be true. He might be a sleuth, he might be an escapee of the trappings of wealth, or the government is after him. lol.
Wonderful job and I can see a novel coming out of this opening.
Gloria
Comment Written 21-Nov-2017
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2017
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Thanks so much for the lovely review, Gloria. I'm glad it raised those possibilities in your mind :) Could he be related to the woman (or is it multiple women) in the clippings? Or perhaps he is the one responsible for whatever happened to her/ them? When you figure it out, could you please let me know, I'm dying to find out! lol
Really appreciate the kind words and lovely stars - Craig