Creating Allies
Sir Giric Solicits Allies7 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a very good story line. It has a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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This is very well written with a very good story line. It has a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is very good imagery.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2017
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Thank you for reading, Charlie. I appreciate it.
Comment from Ronni
I was so thoroughly absorbed and intrigued in this story of gallant knight
Sir Giric and dragon King Lord Lochlan, set in the legendary time and theme
background. I was eagerly anticipating to read more; and truly hope you
share more chapters as you work on the book project of it.
I admire the way you intermittently, through dialogue, conveyed the
character, leadership and basic human rights orientation of Giric and
Lochlan, in forging a battle support in defeating an evil and malicious
enemy intent only on destroying all human life form, everywhere
The part where dragon Seamus appeared to warn you of the
girl appearing to deter you, being a devilish guise of many
transformations, stunningly relayed in your exchange with Seamus.
The last but not least, question of trust, on Giric defending Lochlan
and his warriors, even against his own human kind, was awesome
clue to depth of scope of loyalty and mutual motivation.
Besides the provocative theme and presentation of your story
here, I could not help but see a resemblance to the kind of world
threat we are facing today in Middle East and globally, from Isis
Iran, Syria, Russia, ...etc with these enemies being much like
the death merchants like the Necktars, and the dire need for
an alliance with safe allies and leaders with the same human
goal and motivation to save the human race from obliteration.
Certainly eerily applicable in reflection.
Thanks for sharing, and look forward to reading more of
your compelling writing.
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I was so thoroughly absorbed and intrigued in this story of gallant knight
Sir Giric and dragon King Lord Lochlan, set in the legendary time and theme
background. I was eagerly anticipating to read more; and truly hope you
share more chapters as you work on the book project of it.
I admire the way you intermittently, through dialogue, conveyed the
character, leadership and basic human rights orientation of Giric and
Lochlan, in forging a battle support in defeating an evil and malicious
enemy intent only on destroying all human life form, everywhere
The part where dragon Seamus appeared to warn you of the
girl appearing to deter you, being a devilish guise of many
transformations, stunningly relayed in your exchange with Seamus.
The last but not least, question of trust, on Giric defending Lochlan
and his warriors, even against his own human kind, was awesome
clue to depth of scope of loyalty and mutual motivation.
Besides the provocative theme and presentation of your story
here, I could not help but see a resemblance to the kind of world
threat we are facing today in Middle East and globally, from Isis
Iran, Syria, Russia, ...etc with these enemies being much like
the death merchants like the Necktars, and the dire need for
an alliance with safe allies and leaders with the same human
goal and motivation to save the human race from obliteration.
Certainly eerily applicable in reflection.
Thanks for sharing, and look forward to reading more of
your compelling writing.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2017
Comment from bookishfabler
Though I have watched some fantasy and Sci-Fi movies, I generally don't care to read them. Over the years I have Vivien many a genre, not to my liking a try and come to enjoy it. I was on my toes. I couldn't stop reading. I think it is because you don't bog it down with weird language. If there is too much I get bored.
Will this continue as a novel. I really enjoyed it.
Hugs Heidi
Happy Valentines Day
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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Though I have watched some fantasy and Sci-Fi movies, I generally don't care to read them. Over the years I have Vivien many a genre, not to my liking a try and come to enjoy it. I was on my toes. I couldn't stop reading. I think it is because you don't bog it down with weird language. If there is too much I get bored.
Will this continue as a novel. I really enjoyed it.
Hugs Heidi
Happy Valentines Day
Comment Written 14-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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Ronnie, thank you so much for your wonderful review. I really appreciate your review and kind words on my writing, especially the six star rating.
I have been working on this project for a number of years. I'm still trying to put it all together, but it is a compilation of stories that I plan on making into a book called : The Knights of Ashthorne Manor.
I will share more of these writings soon. Thank you for reading this story and I hope you will read the others to follow.
Regards, John.
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John, you sent this message to me, (Heidi) Bookishfabler, I believe by mistake. Just want to let you know.
Hugs Heidi
Comment from barbara.wilkey
WOW OH WOW! I see while you were gone from FS none of your talent left you, it only got better. I think this is one of your best writes. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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WOW OH WOW! I see while you were gone from FS none of your talent left you, it only got better. I think this is one of your best writes. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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Thank you Barbara. I really appreciate your comments. John
Comment from Luminae
I enjoyed this, it's a short piece but there's a lot going on here.
Actually, my only criticism is related to that; there's maybe a little too much to take it all at once, considering the length of it. I feel like it could've been twice as long, and some description in that conversation in the beginning would've helped with immersion. The character is talking to a dragon, after all, and the whole situation seems like a pretty big deal, but there's no emotion or imagery or anything like that to latch onto.
The rest of the story goes by so quickly too, with him being approached by the shapeshifter, saved a dragon, then they talk some more and the end.
Haha, just reading back over this and it sounds more critical than I intended, but it just seems like there's just so much going on in this world and so it's a shame so little is revealed to the reader. From the author's note this is apparently part of a continuing story, so that may be the main issue. If there are several of these I think the mention of stringing them together in a book is an excellent idea.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2017
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I enjoyed this, it's a short piece but there's a lot going on here.
Actually, my only criticism is related to that; there's maybe a little too much to take it all at once, considering the length of it. I feel like it could've been twice as long, and some description in that conversation in the beginning would've helped with immersion. The character is talking to a dragon, after all, and the whole situation seems like a pretty big deal, but there's no emotion or imagery or anything like that to latch onto.
The rest of the story goes by so quickly too, with him being approached by the shapeshifter, saved a dragon, then they talk some more and the end.
Haha, just reading back over this and it sounds more critical than I intended, but it just seems like there's just so much going on in this world and so it's a shame so little is revealed to the reader. From the author's note this is apparently part of a continuing story, so that may be the main issue. If there are several of these I think the mention of stringing them together in a book is an excellent idea.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2017
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I welcome constructive criticism and since a 3 star rating is Below Average for a work as identified by the review guidelines, request more specifics as to what you think needs to be done to make it an acceptable story.
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I don't necessarily consider the work to be 'below average' (actually the site is a little contradictory there because on the rating itself it just pops up as 'average'), but I'm noticing now the trend seems to have become just giving everything a five, so perhaps a three is overly harsh in context.
But it's a thousand word piece, and about two thirds of that is dialogue. (written in the third person, while the short bit of action is written in the first...) It's well written, epic sounding dialogue, yes, but I still have difficulties getting into the story or into the head of the character when there's so little context given. I mentioned lack of emotion and imagery in my original review and that still stands.
Again, I realize this is part of some kind of continuing thing, but if it's posted as a stand alone story it could stand to be fleshed out a lot more. Right now we have big blocks of dialogue with no connection to the characters thoughts or actions, and the only conflict in the story is the shapeshifter showing up...and then being immediately killed by a dragon, no action or even comprehension on Giric's part required.
And the dragon's themselves are interesting. One of them offhandedly mentions they can communicate telepathically across distances, they seem to have some kind of stealth abilities (following Giric and the shapeshifter for days without being spotted by either, landing completely silently...) and they're assembling an army overnight. This alliance would be a HUGE thing to any army, but it's all treated so casually. Giric doesn't seem very impressed and neither does the narrative, while meanwhile from a setting and plot standpoint I'm sort of left wondering how humans have ever remotely been a threat to them, why a hundred telepathic, cloaked dragons wouldn't just have just conquered absolutely everything by this point, and how the writer is going to keep them from immediately making any other characters in this battle that's apparently coming up obsolete.
I suppose my main feeling reading this is frustration, because you've obviously got tons of detailed stuff about this setting and character and everything that's going on here in your head, but we as the readers are getting to see so little of it. This felt more than anything like a short outline of a story with some sweet dialogue attached.
Comment from lyenochka
This has all the feel of an epic fantasy book. The wariness that Lochlan has about allying with Giric is believable. I like the building of interest and drama with the shape shifter. The one thing that needs to be changed is that the narrative changes from third person to first person in several places. If it is Giric telling the story all along, then we shouldn't see "Giric stated" or "Giric asked." Also, I can imagine what dragons look like but if you have some unique perspective on their anatomy, then more description would be welcome.
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This has all the feel of an epic fantasy book. The wariness that Lochlan has about allying with Giric is believable. I like the building of interest and drama with the shape shifter. The one thing that needs to be changed is that the narrative changes from third person to first person in several places. If it is Giric telling the story all along, then we shouldn't see "Giric stated" or "Giric asked." Also, I can imagine what dragons look like but if you have some unique perspective on their anatomy, then more description would be welcome.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2017
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I thought this was well written. I think you could work on the buildup to being followed. We have no idea why he felt he was being followed. And this is a good area for conflict and developing the storyline. Is he worried. Fearful? Is he curios about why and how many are following him. What about an ambush - could there be someone in front. Or a group. How does he know he is being followed? Does he hear something. See something. Take all of that and you can develop this into a major conflict. The storyline does develop well. Excellent use of dialogue. An enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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I thought this was well written. I think you could work on the buildup to being followed. We have no idea why he felt he was being followed. And this is a good area for conflict and developing the storyline. Is he worried. Fearful? Is he curios about why and how many are following him. What about an ambush - could there be someone in front. Or a group. How does he know he is being followed? Does he hear something. See something. Take all of that and you can develop this into a major conflict. The storyline does develop well. Excellent use of dialogue. An enjoyable read.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2017
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Good points, Michael. Thank you. I will edit it soon. John