Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Regret"A true story
65 total reviews
Comment from seaglass
This is a very good short story. I grabbed my attention and left me wanting more. I can see this becoming a novel if you chose to develop it. I saw no errors and the descriptions were vivid.
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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This is a very good short story. I grabbed my attention and left me wanting more. I can see this becoming a novel if you chose to develop it. I saw no errors and the descriptions were vivid.
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 15-May-2016
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Hi seaglass, thank you so much for the great review and the lovely stars, it means a lot to me. I am going to continue with the story having had so much encouragement to do that. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from TheresaWilliams
Wow! It makes me want to know more! Very well written and the dialogue is good. Very descriptive, and I felt as if I were watching from another table. Great work!
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Wow! It makes me want to know more! Very well written and the dialogue is good. Very descriptive, and I felt as if I were watching from another table. Great work!
Comment Written 14-May-2016
reply by the author on 14-May-2016
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Oh, Theresa, thanks ever so much for this lovely review and the stars. What a lovely surprise. It means so much to me. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from LIJ Red
Tell the truth and run, says the proverb. He must have known she would
recoil and that after heartbreaking fruitless effort it would end in more misery at last when she found out he was a jaywalker, or whatever...your style differs from mine, naturally. I might phrase parts differently, but I see nothing actually wrong, and the story line is excellent.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Tell the truth and run, says the proverb. He must have known she would
recoil and that after heartbreaking fruitless effort it would end in more misery at last when she found out he was a jaywalker, or whatever...your style differs from mine, naturally. I might phrase parts differently, but I see nothing actually wrong, and the story line is excellent.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thank a lot for your review. I've decided to build on the story. The thing is the man is heart broken and full of regrets. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from djeckert
An intriguing tell. Leaves you wondering WHY ? What is it that keeps him now from her. a new version of the great story never told. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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An intriguing tell. Leaves you wondering WHY ? What is it that keeps him now from her. a new version of the great story never told. Well done.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thank a lot for this great review. Well, I've decided to build on the story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Spiritual Echo
If you change the POV from one character to another, it is imperative you let your readers know--put a string of asterisks between Sue running towards him, and switching to Thomas's point of view.
This is generally well-done plot wise. You fed in the back-story, layering it into the on-going action, but you left the reader wondering why. That he spent 4 years in prison does explain his absence, but not the reason he turned away after the meeting. Now, you might solve this by saying he loved her too much to degrade her with his shame--remember to assign a crime with a four-year sentence, but it is a weak point in an otherwise very nice story.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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If you change the POV from one character to another, it is imperative you let your readers know--put a string of asterisks between Sue running towards him, and switching to Thomas's point of view.
This is generally well-done plot wise. You fed in the back-story, layering it into the on-going action, but you left the reader wondering why. That he spent 4 years in prison does explain his absence, but not the reason he turned away after the meeting. Now, you might solve this by saying he loved her too much to degrade her with his shame--remember to assign a crime with a four-year sentence, but it is a weak point in an otherwise very nice story.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thanks a lot for this. Well, my solution is that I'm going to build on the story. So this has merely become a teaser. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from mrs jordan
Hi ULLA,
This is a most unusual, and mysterious story, but it's written so beautifully. It leaves you wondering why, what is going on and why. But it does leave you with an empty sad feeling in your heart. At first, I thought Thomas was just used Sue and left her. Then after all those years he showed up after being locked away without explaining why. I guess he was too embarrassed to tell her. Maybe he thought she wouldn't understand and reject him, or the matter could put her in a dangerous situation. This a very good story, but it's put a big question mark into my brain. I could read some more to this story. It could make a great series.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Hi ULLA,
This is a most unusual, and mysterious story, but it's written so beautifully. It leaves you wondering why, what is going on and why. But it does leave you with an empty sad feeling in your heart. At first, I thought Thomas was just used Sue and left her. Then after all those years he showed up after being locked away without explaining why. I guess he was too embarrassed to tell her. Maybe he thought she wouldn't understand and reject him, or the matter could put her in a dangerous situation. This a very good story, but it's put a big question mark into my brain. I could read some more to this story. It could make a great series.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Awww, thank you so very much for this lovely review and the the beautiful stars. I appreciate it so very much. I'm also very pleased that you liked the story. I have decided to follow it up with a continuation. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Oh yes,that would be great. I can hardly wait for another episode. God Bless!
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nice work, Ulla. I felt like I wanted know more. Why did he go to prison? Is he in love with her? Or does he want to shield her from something? Are some things not to be?
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Nice work, Ulla. I felt like I wanted know more. Why did he go to prison? Is he in love with her? Or does he want to shield her from something? Are some things not to be?
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Hi Russell,Thanks a lot for the great review. I'm going to continue the story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from abra19
Great short story. Much left unsaid, which is good, as it leaves more to the imagination. Wondering more about their past and also their possible future ...might something happen? Or is he determined to stay away from what feels like a true love forever? Enjoyed this short read.
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Great short story. Much left unsaid, which is good, as it leaves more to the imagination. Wondering more about their past and also their possible future ...might something happen? Or is he determined to stay away from what feels like a true love forever? Enjoyed this short read.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thanks a lot for this insightful review. You have caught on to what I wanted to say, exactly. Nevertheless, I'm going to continue the story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Serendipity!
This is really gripping, I wish you could write more.
Since the word 'eyes' is used more than once near the ending I have made a couple of take-it-or-leave-it suggestions.
What (he beheld) was a bewildered expression
she hadn't seen the deep hurt (on his own countenance.)
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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This is really gripping, I wish you could write more.
Since the word 'eyes' is used more than once near the ending I have made a couple of take-it-or-leave-it suggestions.
What (he beheld) was a bewildered expression
she hadn't seen the deep hurt (on his own countenance.)
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 11-May-2016
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Thanks ever so much. I've decided that I am going to continue with the story. Almost everybody wants be to do that. I know exactly what you mean with the eyes and couldn't find a solution, hence I left it. I'll look into it again. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Margaret Ford
This is very good writing. It held my attention to the end, and I felt for both of the characters. The story was sad, and all too believable.
If you want to avoid the editor's red pencil, you might want to ditch the ellipsis everywhere it occurs in this work, unless you're really eliminating events that you want the reader to fill in with his/her imagination.
An en dash or an em dash would probably work better, but editors don't like them either. The discussion of all these little 'extras' (for lack of a better word) on Wikipedia isn't too bad, if you want some brushing up.
I, myself, can barely write without an em dash or two, and I have a genuine fondness for the ellipsis. So what to do, what to do...
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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This is very good writing. It held my attention to the end, and I felt for both of the characters. The story was sad, and all too believable.
If you want to avoid the editor's red pencil, you might want to ditch the ellipsis everywhere it occurs in this work, unless you're really eliminating events that you want the reader to fill in with his/her imagination.
An en dash or an em dash would probably work better, but editors don't like them either. The discussion of all these little 'extras' (for lack of a better word) on Wikipedia isn't too bad, if you want some brushing up.
I, myself, can barely write without an em dash or two, and I have a genuine fondness for the ellipsis. So what to do, what to do...
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Thank you so much. I'll look into it. Nobody has ever pulled me up on it before. The ellipsis are needed from time to time to give effect or show an hesitation. I don't know what an em dash is. American maybe? I'll have to look it up. Thanks a lot again. All the best. Ulla:)))
