Miscellaneous Poems Vol 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "The Enemy"More poems
13 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a great free verse for this topic and I love the ending - the shadow of the man I once was -
I didn't pick that one coming, a very clever write on IT
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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This is a great free verse for this topic and I love the ending - the shadow of the man I once was -
I didn't pick that one coming, a very clever write on IT
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Pearl, for the lovely review. Much appreciated. Craig
Comment from Domino 2
I remember that creepy old artwork image, CD - one of the most unique horror movie icons ever.
Maybe consider centralising your words, as I think they would present better that way.
Excellent metaphors.
Just right sprinkling of random rhyme for extra interest.
Wonderfully (though very sad) theme of self-effacement and self-doubt, as you assess yourself now and compare to what you THINK was a better you before, though I'm sure that's not the case.
IF it's true, I can only suggest you concentrate on your good points and love yourself for THEM. After all, we all have 'skeletons in the cupboard' and faults a-plenty.
At least that's my interpretation of this very accomplished and superior free verse.
Best wishes, Ray.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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I remember that creepy old artwork image, CD - one of the most unique horror movie icons ever.
Maybe consider centralising your words, as I think they would present better that way.
Excellent metaphors.
Just right sprinkling of random rhyme for extra interest.
Wonderfully (though very sad) theme of self-effacement and self-doubt, as you assess yourself now and compare to what you THINK was a better you before, though I'm sure that's not the case.
IF it's true, I can only suggest you concentrate on your good points and love yourself for THEM. After all, we all have 'skeletons in the cupboard' and faults a-plenty.
At least that's my interpretation of this very accomplished and superior free verse.
Best wishes, Ray.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Hi Ray,
Thanks for the very thoughtful review. The idea I had in mind is someone's memory of their younger self taunting them with how strong, brave, etc they used to be. Now they've slowed down, but hopefully developed into something else - maybe more stable, balanced, perhaps wiser. Something like that anyway. I think you were pretty much on the money.
Much appreciated,
Craig
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Thanks for the great reply, Craig, and it's good to know you're not as personally tortured as I thought may have been the case.
Yes, I see the theme perfectly now in your words. Mind you, I bet many of us oldies would swap a bit of our 'wisdom' for a few younger muscles and more agility. ;-)
Cheers, my friend, Ray.
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LOL very true that :)
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Craig...
A really strong freeverse; these timed challenges seem to shake out some solid pieces, exposing a lot of your versatility, and I'm glad to be able to give this six stars.
The use of theme, general enough to allow the inner imagination/ flaws of the reader latch onto them, it spoke to the mood I was in.
I think the theme of the inescapable inner voice was captured in this poem, and the flow and rhymes and use of punctuation to keep strong reins on the enjambment, way I experienced it in a logical way.
Sometimes old habits and thought patterns, the inner critic who wants to gloat how change isn't better... it can be our own worst enemy, invisible and hard to cast. You can't escape your own shadow... you can just shine a little light on it on knowing it exists.
[that]? you're nearby. (only thing I wondered was if this 'that' is needed, because the line break ... I don't know, it's not wrong, I just figured I would mention I considered this 'that' as maybe not needed, and the omission might (not even sure) add emphasis)
but the shadow of the man
[that]? I once was.
(This line was kind of neat for me... I just finished writing a short story involving the Shadow of Creen... and one of the running themes of this character (which I'm not sure you will be able to read about as it's excessively explicit stuff and I feel bad that people will be sent notifications) but the theme of the inner battle and duplicity of self; the inescapable voice that lingers despite the original man's death.)
Really enjoyed reading this.
Turtle.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Hi, Craig...
A really strong freeverse; these timed challenges seem to shake out some solid pieces, exposing a lot of your versatility, and I'm glad to be able to give this six stars.
The use of theme, general enough to allow the inner imagination/ flaws of the reader latch onto them, it spoke to the mood I was in.
I think the theme of the inescapable inner voice was captured in this poem, and the flow and rhymes and use of punctuation to keep strong reins on the enjambment, way I experienced it in a logical way.
Sometimes old habits and thought patterns, the inner critic who wants to gloat how change isn't better... it can be our own worst enemy, invisible and hard to cast. You can't escape your own shadow... you can just shine a little light on it on knowing it exists.
[that]? you're nearby. (only thing I wondered was if this 'that' is needed, because the line break ... I don't know, it's not wrong, I just figured I would mention I considered this 'that' as maybe not needed, and the omission might (not even sure) add emphasis)
but the shadow of the man
[that]? I once was.
(This line was kind of neat for me... I just finished writing a short story involving the Shadow of Creen... and one of the running themes of this character (which I'm not sure you will be able to read about as it's excessively explicit stuff and I feel bad that people will be sent notifications) but the theme of the inner battle and duplicity of self; the inescapable voice that lingers despite the original man's death.)
Really enjoyed reading this.
Turtle.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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What would I do without you to review my stuff, Turtle?
It took me three or four readings without my beloved "that's" to decide you were right - it's better without them.
I was feeling very uncertain going into this challenge. I've only tried free verse maybe twice, and I didn't really like the results. I sort of feel lost without the tools of meter and rhyme to see where I'm heading; but your review has made me think this one is ok, and maybe even given me the guts to try a bit more of it.
I hope we don't miss out on your story. I'm one of the many I'm sure explicit doesn't particularly bother, and anyone it would bother always has the choice not to read it!
Thanks again for the great mix of genuine helpfulness and encouragement.
Craig
Comment from I am Cat
But for all your cruel intentions,
your arrogance,
your bravado,
you are less substantial
than fog;
for you are nothing
but the shadow of the man
that I once was.
wow, well said, Craig... well said.
I really liked this. ;)
I also enjoyed the internal rhymes of:
shockingly/mockingly
a nice free verse,
c
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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But for all your cruel intentions,
your arrogance,
your bravado,
you are less substantial
than fog;
for you are nothing
but the shadow of the man
that I once was.
wow, well said, Craig... well said.
I really liked this. ;)
I also enjoyed the internal rhymes of:
shockingly/mockingly
a nice free verse,
c
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks Cat. It's not really my thing, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from having a go :)
Happy Easter!
Craig
Comment from tfawcus
There have been some remarkably good poems emerging from this Potlach, and yours is one of them. It flows well and is smooth when read aloud. There is some great use of assonance and incidental rhyme here and there (e.g. "Cynical jabs and jeers / inflame my fears. / I shrivel under your ridicule.")
I also liked the way these lines slowed down the pace of the poem so that we could more fully savour the sadism with which your former self shadows and plagues you:
"you attack, and then
shocklingly, mockingly
watch me bleed."
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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There have been some remarkably good poems emerging from this Potlach, and yours is one of them. It flows well and is smooth when read aloud. There is some great use of assonance and incidental rhyme here and there (e.g. "Cynical jabs and jeers / inflame my fears. / I shrivel under your ridicule.")
I also liked the way these lines slowed down the pace of the poem so that we could more fully savour the sadism with which your former self shadows and plagues you:
"you attack, and then
shocklingly, mockingly
watch me bleed."
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Tony, for the lovely review. Free verse is a big challenge for me, generally I avoid it.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
We can try and better ourselves and our behaviour, but sometimes the old person wants to come back and take over our lives again. We just don't have to allow him back, we changed for the better and don't need that old guy back because he will never change.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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We can try and better ourselves and our behaviour, but sometimes the old person wants to come back and take over our lives again. We just don't have to allow him back, we changed for the better and don't need that old guy back because he will never change.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Very true, Sandra. Somehow he's always there though, waiting in the wings. Or so it seems :)
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi C.D,
This is a great response to the potlatch challenge. You describe your shadow as menacing and of the man you once was. I love the idea that you have moved on and yet your shadow remains the same. That is spooky in it's self.lol
Fantastic.
Brenda
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Hi C.D,
This is a great response to the potlatch challenge. You describe your shadow as menacing and of the man you once was. I love the idea that you have moved on and yet your shadow remains the same. That is spooky in it's self.lol
Fantastic.
Brenda
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks Brenda for the lovely review. It was a fun challenge - even though I'm not a real fan of free verse. Some might say it's clear why not lol
Much appreciated,
Craig
Comment from ~Dovey
Hi Craig,
This writing under pressure thing is starting to be something of a thing. I'm liking the group involvement and it gives a good amount of feedback. Free verse is still far out of my comfort zone lol Give me rhyme and syllables to count any day! Good thing we had a topic or I'd have stared at the blank screen through dinner.
My thoughts...
Would potholed be hyphenated? (I suppose not, spell check isn't telling me so, but it looks to me like it needs to be lol though, it is one am now, maybe that is why!)
I loved these lines particularly, and your interspersed assonance and rhyme sprinkled throughout:
Cynical jabs and jeers
inflame my fears
This is (pardon the pun) awesome concrete imagery!
Every edifice I create in my mind
you tear down;
'til barely the foundations remain.
And this is just plain brilliant: (don't let that go to you head) ;)
you are less substantial
than fog;
for you are nothing
but the shadow of the man
that I once was.
Great job! I loved your take on the prompt.
*Hugs*
Kim
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Hi Craig,
This writing under pressure thing is starting to be something of a thing. I'm liking the group involvement and it gives a good amount of feedback. Free verse is still far out of my comfort zone lol Give me rhyme and syllables to count any day! Good thing we had a topic or I'd have stared at the blank screen through dinner.
My thoughts...
Would potholed be hyphenated? (I suppose not, spell check isn't telling me so, but it looks to me like it needs to be lol though, it is one am now, maybe that is why!)
I loved these lines particularly, and your interspersed assonance and rhyme sprinkled throughout:
Cynical jabs and jeers
inflame my fears
This is (pardon the pun) awesome concrete imagery!
Every edifice I create in my mind
you tear down;
'til barely the foundations remain.
And this is just plain brilliant: (don't let that go to you head) ;)
you are less substantial
than fog;
for you are nothing
but the shadow of the man
that I once was.
Great job! I loved your take on the prompt.
*Hugs*
Kim
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Kim, for such a lovely glowing review, it means so much to me that you like it.
But...
Are you actually saying the fog has gone to my head? ;-)
Muah,
Craig
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Well, I'm accustomed with things going to your head, so I think that is ok ;)
I'm finally about halfway through reviewing all of these free verse poems! How about you? Up for FB?
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Sure, when I've finished responding to your forum post :)
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lol I specifically said that wasn't to you! Just keep that in mind. :)
Comment from Lancer1979
This was very good! The artwork added to the creepy scariness of the poem. I wish you well on the challenge. The stanza beginning with "Though no one else can hear"
struck a nerve with me, as there have been times when I felt exactly this way.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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This was very good! The artwork added to the creepy scariness of the poem. I wish you well on the challenge. The stanza beginning with "Though no one else can hear"
struck a nerve with me, as there have been times when I felt exactly this way.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the thoughtful and kind remarks. The weekly challenge is a lot of fun, and has been a great learning experience for me. Much appreciated, Craig.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good one, CD. I like how you used a double meaning of SHADOW, and at the end, we see it was not the actual shadow that would not let him be, but the memory of what he has lost. With age, sickness, broken heart? You don't say, but we all can imagine a trauma that destroys a positive, hopeful outlook and replaces it instead with regret, failure, and every reason for NOT living. Much deeper than some might think, and you pulled it off well. :)
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Good one, CD. I like how you used a double meaning of SHADOW, and at the end, we see it was not the actual shadow that would not let him be, but the memory of what he has lost. With age, sickness, broken heart? You don't say, but we all can imagine a trauma that destroys a positive, hopeful outlook and replaces it instead with regret, failure, and every reason for NOT living. Much deeper than some might think, and you pulled it off well. :)
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks, Phyllis, for the thoughtful and complimentary review. It's not really autobiographical, I'm not that hard on myself most of the time! If I had to pick one, I'd go for age. But who knows what will come out under the pressure of the moment? Thanks for a topic which gave us plenty to work with and brought out a great variety of thinking :)
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Craig, no worries... I never thought for a moment it was about YOU. I did use the word HIM. :)