Falling Off The Edge
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Falling Off The Edge - Part Three"A true story
45 total reviews
Comment from MLEaton
Very emotive, natural writing that had me hooked, although I haven't read any previous chapters.
My only criticism is that there are rather too many 'looks' floating about as in 'an agressive look', (I think this needs an extra 'g'), 'a defiant look' and 'an indifferent look,'
Maybe I shouldn't have been 'looking' so hard.
Marion:)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Very emotive, natural writing that had me hooked, although I haven't read any previous chapters.
My only criticism is that there are rather too many 'looks' floating about as in 'an agressive look', (I think this needs an extra 'g'), 'a defiant look' and 'an indifferent look,'
Maybe I shouldn't have been 'looking' so hard.
Marion:)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Marion, Thank you so much and I have made the correction to the spelling mistake.. Don't know how that has slipped through so many reviews including my own edits. You are spot on with too many looks and have got rid of some of them. Thanks for pointing it out. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Ulla,
I believe this is the first of your prose I've read. I must admit, you've captured my attention and I look forward to catching up with this series.
Somehow, I wanted you to slap the crap out of that lawyer. So, now you've got me all wondering about his next move, and yours.
This was well written, fast paced and kept my attention. I didn't see any SPAGS or other concerns.
-Ray
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Good Afternoon, Ulla,
I believe this is the first of your prose I've read. I must admit, you've captured my attention and I look forward to catching up with this series.
Somehow, I wanted you to slap the crap out of that lawyer. So, now you've got me all wondering about his next move, and yours.
This was well written, fast paced and kept my attention. I didn't see any SPAGS or other concerns.
-Ray
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Ray, Thanks so much. I'm pleased that you liked it. Yeah, that lawyer was something else. More to come soon. All the best. Ulla
Comment from LisaD123
Elegantly and carefully told. The reader is able to empathise with the sense of confusion and betrayal. Tension is built up as the reader becomes aware of the club ck ticking down. This is a poignant piece which leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Elegantly and carefully told. The reader is able to empathise with the sense of confusion and betrayal. Tension is built up as the reader becomes aware of the club ck ticking down. This is a poignant piece which leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. I am so pleased. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Eric1
Hi Ulla, I was beginning to think that I'd missed your wonderful story, who on earth was that mysterious Lawyer, it seems that he and your adoptive mother had something more going on, and of course being a Lawyer he would certainly know that in Denmark your children cannot be disinherited.
Your brilliant story continues to intrigue my friend.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Hi Ulla, I was beginning to think that I'd missed your wonderful story, who on earth was that mysterious Lawyer, it seems that he and your adoptive mother had something more going on, and of course being a Lawyer he would certainly know that in Denmark your children cannot be disinherited.
Your brilliant story continues to intrigue my friend.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for this Eric. The whole issue for me was to find out whether provisions had been made as to whether I was to inherit. I was adopted before the end of 1954 and therefore would not automatically inherit, unless so stated in a will, by way of a codicil. All the best.Ulla:))
Comment from camaria
Well written. The urgency and excitement of the chapter is palpable. Written concisely with just the right amount of description to flesh it out. Few things caught my eye:
as I was adopted before the end of 1954(,) I'm not to inherit anything.
Add comma.
However, to shout it out in front of everybody else(,) when we were all leaving the church from what was supposed to have been a religious service(') was a whole different matter.
Add commas.
What was he up to, and what was his game? Just because he'd said he was a lawyer didn't help my confidence at all.
This read really awkwardly. The first bit repeated, seems a bit cliche. All of it seems over wordy, just my person opinion. Maybe something like: 'What was his game? His being a lawyer didn't help my confidence at all.
why you bother to be here today
I think you meant 'bothered'/
So, I'd understood all right
Alright.
and I only hoped that I sent out the right signals that I didn't have a care in the world. I paused for a moment, and noticed that he looked straight at me.
I stumbled on this. Lots of needless 'that' repetition. Perhaps: 'I only hoped that I sent out the right signals of not having a care in the world.'. Also, previously you mention the main character feeling the lawyer's eyes on their back. Then you continue, your character pauses and notices him looking straight at them, but you don't mention the main character turning back around to notice that.
I was at the central office that had all the registers of all deceased in Denmark.
I think you can get rid of one of the 'all's here.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Well written. The urgency and excitement of the chapter is palpable. Written concisely with just the right amount of description to flesh it out. Few things caught my eye:
as I was adopted before the end of 1954(,) I'm not to inherit anything.
Add comma.
However, to shout it out in front of everybody else(,) when we were all leaving the church from what was supposed to have been a religious service(') was a whole different matter.
Add commas.
What was he up to, and what was his game? Just because he'd said he was a lawyer didn't help my confidence at all.
This read really awkwardly. The first bit repeated, seems a bit cliche. All of it seems over wordy, just my person opinion. Maybe something like: 'What was his game? His being a lawyer didn't help my confidence at all.
why you bother to be here today
I think you meant 'bothered'/
So, I'd understood all right
Alright.
and I only hoped that I sent out the right signals that I didn't have a care in the world. I paused for a moment, and noticed that he looked straight at me.
I stumbled on this. Lots of needless 'that' repetition. Perhaps: 'I only hoped that I sent out the right signals of not having a care in the world.'. Also, previously you mention the main character feeling the lawyer's eyes on their back. Then you continue, your character pauses and notices him looking straight at them, but you don't mention the main character turning back around to notice that.
I was at the central office that had all the registers of all deceased in Denmark.
I think you can get rid of one of the 'all's here.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Thanks a lot for this great and thoughtful review. I have made the corrections. As English is not my first language I do need all the help I can get. Commas are beyond me, just so different from any other languge I know. I am slowly learning, but still get it so wrong. So thanks for that and for pointing out mistakes I should have seen because I do know. Thanks again for your help. All the best. Ulla
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I have a deep respect for anyone with a firm grasp of a second language. English is my first language and I still need all the help I can get! I also find I can miss the most obvious mistakes in my own work. That's why we're here, so a fresh set of eyes can pick up the mistakes we miss, right?
Comment from Tessa Kay
Having to do something within a certain time limit always makes for tension. Good chapter.
-up and down(no comma) and wondered
-I turned towards him in anger. - 'In anger' is telling. Can you show instead?
- me as I ran down the steps, and I only hoped that I sent out the right signals that I didn't have a care in the world - Not a care in the world clashes with running. Leave out one or the other?
-of the building (no comma) and threw myself at
- I thanked the gods that Copenhagen was not that big. - Was wondering about 'gods'. Just something that I paused on.
-She was not to know my phobia of lifts.
-She was not to know my phobia of lifts - was not to know means isn't allowed to. You probably mean to say 'She didn't know of my phobia..' or 'she couldn't know...'
Are you writing both stories parallel now or have you switched to this one?
Nice job. :)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Having to do something within a certain time limit always makes for tension. Good chapter.
-up and down(no comma) and wondered
-I turned towards him in anger. - 'In anger' is telling. Can you show instead?
- me as I ran down the steps, and I only hoped that I sent out the right signals that I didn't have a care in the world - Not a care in the world clashes with running. Leave out one or the other?
-of the building (no comma) and threw myself at
- I thanked the gods that Copenhagen was not that big. - Was wondering about 'gods'. Just something that I paused on.
-She was not to know my phobia of lifts.
-She was not to know my phobia of lifts - was not to know means isn't allowed to. You probably mean to say 'She didn't know of my phobia..' or 'she couldn't know...'
Are you writing both stories parallel now or have you switched to this one?
Nice job. :)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Hi Tessa, first I want to say that I am very sorry in answering this late. Then, thank you so much for an always useful review and I have made the changes.
I am still writing The Quest which is approaching it's conclusion in a few more chapters. As a matter of fact, I have just released another chapter, This story I don't think will be anywhere near as long but maybe part of a longer one yet again. At this time I don't know. Hope to hear from you soon. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Autumn Splendour
This is biographical non-fiction yet it reads like a thriller. A lawyer with an ulterior motive, backstory of your past relationship with your adoptive parents, a voice foreshadowing what is to come. Interesting. I look forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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This is biographical non-fiction yet it reads like a thriller. A lawyer with an ulterior motive, backstory of your past relationship with your adoptive parents, a voice foreshadowing what is to come. Interesting. I look forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Yeah, it's quite a story, I know, but that is what happened. Thanks a lot for reading. All the best. Ulla
Comment from c_lucas
Some lawyers are a legend in their own minds. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Some lawyers are a legend in their own minds. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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I couldn't agree more. Thanks a lot for the review. All the best. Ulla
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You're welcome, Ulla. Charlie
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Ulla,
It's a nice piece of Biographical Non-Fiction depicting its theme in an interesting way.
Wording is simple as well as impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow from top to bottom.
Interesting, I'm waiting for the next part.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Hello Ulla,
It's a nice piece of Biographical Non-Fiction depicting its theme in an interesting way.
Wording is simple as well as impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow from top to bottom.
Interesting, I'm waiting for the next part.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Thanks a lot for your great review. I'm so pleased that you follow my stories. It means a lot to me. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Ricky1024
well I can't believe I'm getting a review of the number 3 ranked novelist while I've only written one I want only half done at 10 complete rhyming non pros about an angel with one wing called faith haven't even posted a chapter from that now on here for about 3 years that's about halfway down. I guess I'll get back to it someday she has to keep on coming back from heaven down to earth to fight or suppose he's already been in the hell she had incidents with the other half to guardian angel from Ann St gang in New York in the SD grandson beating up the grandfather all those fun things in a war a war she gets involved in a well written. I just haven't had time to get into a club in working on my children's books which are shed a tear and shed more tears fairy tales and fables which are two of my collection of over 650 book sitting in my house waiting to be published no no no no so maybe one day I'll start publishing the my reviews on my work and let me see what you think all this is Ricky 10:24
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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well I can't believe I'm getting a review of the number 3 ranked novelist while I've only written one I want only half done at 10 complete rhyming non pros about an angel with one wing called faith haven't even posted a chapter from that now on here for about 3 years that's about halfway down. I guess I'll get back to it someday she has to keep on coming back from heaven down to earth to fight or suppose he's already been in the hell she had incidents with the other half to guardian angel from Ann St gang in New York in the SD grandson beating up the grandfather all those fun things in a war a war she gets involved in a well written. I just haven't had time to get into a club in working on my children's books which are shed a tear and shed more tears fairy tales and fables which are two of my collection of over 650 book sitting in my house waiting to be published no no no no so maybe one day I'll start publishing the my reviews on my work and let me see what you think all this is Ricky 10:24
Comment Written 29-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Hi Ricky, I don't want to be rude, but what are you saying? Are you reviewing what I've written, and if so what are you saying? Sorry, don't understand at all. There is no relevance to what I have written. Ulla