Comment from mermaids

Exceptional

This is a poem full of history and I like how you fought depression and moved forward. I also admire how you have written thousands of poems about your son Jason, keep writing.

 Comment Written 12-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015

Dankz for da Stars and the love Maid! a date in the sea?
LOL!
Ricky Neptune.

Comment from kathleenspalding

Excellent

There are typos in this piece, but I'm giving it 5 stars because it is so from=the=heart=powerful.

This poem is very moving and true. My heart goes out to you and your family. Hard to crit as it's so powerful. But, if you'd like to know the picky bits...

I don't know if all the quotation marks are intentional or just a formatting issue. They are a bit distracting, and if you do want them, check for uniformity & that there are closing quotation marks. Also use single quotation marks inside the regular quotation marks. Also be consistent with [ or { brackets (could use parenthesis instead?)

Things that are just suggestions for your consideration are followed by a '?'.

Details:

In Prologue, "I have written..." the two 'about's are a bit confusing. Maybe "...stories about similar events and circumstances, as ..." instead?

"Jason Richard..." either "...was more THAN (not then) a son...mechanic, he was..." or "...was not just a son..." instead.

"He was born on... either remove the bracket & insert a comma "...5th, this day, but...." or close with a bracket.

"He was not born with..." insert comma - ...mouth, but AN (not and)...

"God finally made..." Is the one period instead of comma in between "girl..." intentional? If so, capitalize the following 'girl'?

"About Jason, a mythical..." delete the comma after Greek.

(Holy Crackle is adorable!)

"If I had only knew..." Not too sure what you mean here, but grammar would be "had only known" (Do you mean "If I had only known," again (no as) I write...?) also grammar - no comma after 'today', or can say "...what I wrote with a pen earlier today."

"Why not, for God had sent..." (insert comma & upper case G)

"Well, Carolyn was... able, since AN (not and)

He grew...man, stocky and overweight, ... (insert commas as shown?) Also, stocky & overweight are redundant, so you could substitute another discriptive word for 'stocky' if you want to give a little more insight into Jason's personality.

"I have a picture...incurable, not uncurable; ... damage, not damaged - -Heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

Always nice and ...respectful is one word.

Christmases, not Christmas's

Jason (while in... player WHO won...

*percussionist - Is the asterisk intentional? - cutting his own CDs ( not Cd's) Did you want the S capitalized in Sh*t (CD title)? (he must have had a great sense of humor!)- and maybe examine the wording "as well as dreamed" - maybe..." And he dreamed..." ...dreamed OF (not for)...

But Jason (you... or LIVE (not life)...

This is a tough stanza, and as it is poetry, you could leave most of it as is, if you want, to show emotional descent.
On March 31st... - capitalize World; verb tense agreement issue - either "would not ...but would..." or "did not qualify/was not qualified...but did qualify/was qualified..."; and ...(DUE to a (not do)...also, I don't understand 'mis-diagnosis', maybe just a mistake? Maybe put the 'stupid' before mistake instead of before teacher? Close parenthesis after ...teacher) (Everyone does something totally bone-brained stupid at some point - does that make them permanently stupid? One of my favorite quotes is "We all do things sometimes that make us wonder if we have enough sense to breathe." Good description of 'accident'.)
...seventeen-year-old maniac...(add '-year-old') add comma after died.

"Are you realizing...capitalize Jay

Did you want a line space between the "Blessed or Cursed Being/Beings" lines?

Dad (Edward) line needs rewording.

...well on my WAY (not why)...

Capitalize Dad...Dad's booze... and (when caught) WAS punished...

Yes, dad loved... capitalize Dad (is used as a name/subject)

Wow! What a powerful stanza!

And Mom (capitalize) held...2011, (insert comma) ... (can delete the 'later')

I was only...capitalize Dad...passed, but (add comma) well married ('with' instead of 'in' - or would this be '...re-married with blended family...'?) ...capitalize Mom

I owned...insert comma after 'clear' (can also insert 'and' ...clear, and took...)...step-daughters AS WELL as my...? Delete the } after 'three'. I don't understand the 'would briefly follow...' on the end

But the "Winds..."...eight SHORT (not shot) --(beautiful, heartbreaking line)

Delete the brackets around {Which I did...}, since it flows into the rest of the sentence?

And I set...Did you want a ? after ...see?"

Danced all... would be 'til not till, and insert ' before 06 ( '06)

"Yes my very...to Jay and His (not hois)...

Thank you for sharing this and your first poem. Good on ya for leaving your depression on paper! I am very sorry for your losses, and I pray that God gives you many blessings now and in the future.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015

Yes, Yes Yes, Yes Yes!
And the single quote marks are a good idea too!
Thanks Kathleen the Queen of typos!
Ricky10241.

reply by kathleenspalding on 08-Nov-2015

:-) I just reviewed a nonfiction from the faith contest, and thought I must tell you about it. It's in the faith contest, I think it's still up for vote. I forget the name, but it is the first one, I think. Will go back and write it down.

reply by kathleenspalding on 08-Nov-2015

Hi, the nonfiction I wanted to refer you to was Crisis of Faith, and it's the second down on the list, not the top, sorry. I think you get to it in the Up for Vote section.

Comment from prettybluebirds

Excellent

Excellent. This shows grief and emotions extremely well. Some of your words are spelled incorrectly, but I can overlook that considering your circumstances. Good work

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 08-Nov-2015

Well my spell has worked and now you are mine FOREVER!
LOL!
Thanks, Ricky 1024

Comment from Millibrad

Average

I truly applaud your efforts in writing this wonderful tribute to your son. I notice another reviewer has generously pointed out some things that need your attention so I will try not to overlap too much.

Some general observations:
Quotation marks should not be used for the narrative voice, only when characters are speaking to each other.

"Why not for god had . . ." When the word god is used to refer to "the one God", it should be capitalized.

Anyone can learn to write well, but not everyone can tell stories that hold others captive. Clearly, you are a gifted storyteller.
If you truly desire to improve your writing skill, the best approach is to read more. God bless.

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2015

Mostly known, penned amend in lets not pretend and a correction or two is due but...
The Content is immense and there for me is no pretense and jay deserves on His 31st birthday above more stars?
Thanks, Ricky 1024
Jason brought life for 'The Lucky Four" with his sad death.


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Category: Horror and Thriller Non-Fiction | Posted: November 5, 2015 | Chapters: -Prologue- 1





Ricky1024






He is an accomplished script writer and is currently at the #22 spot on the rankings.





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About the book and chapter 36



A chapter in the book "Broken Pieces"{Book #30}

Prologue and chapter 36.

by Ricky1024

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<><><><><><><><><><><><>Prologue<><><><><><><><><><><><>
By Ricky 1024
"The idea of my recent book number 30 "Broken Pieces" came from the fact that in my convalescent state of non-mobility, I had a lot of time to heal as well as write."
"I have written many thousands of grieving poems and stories about circumstances about similar events as well as other thoughts."
"This is a collection of pain, agony, suffering, and depression laced with a little cinnamon, sugar, and not-so-nice!'
...
"In today's sorrowed world, an accident happens several times a moment and a price will have to be paid...
"Unfortunate people never regain their fullness but for me this is not a stumbling block as the eighteen inch titanium rod buried deep within my right leg has given me a chance to share my thoughts in an amazing writing mode!"

From the book 'Broken Pieces' I present chapter 36 called...
"Cursed or Blessed Beings?"
By Ricky 1024
{The Father and the Son}
Part #1
{A Dedication on my passed Son Jason's 31st Birthday}
"They say a father's work is never done, I say that a son's work is also NEVER DONE...
{Theology 24.24.1}
"How dear Lord can I begin?"
"As tears shall not forgive?"
"But Heavenly Father above...
"How can I not?'
"Believe this reviewer or not?"
...
"Jason Richard Smrkovsky was more then just a son, musician, or mechanic but a gift brought down from above to teach us all to have faith and hope even in these sorrowed of times...
"He was born on November 5th [this day but 31 years ago...
"He was not born or "nee' with a "silver spoon' in his mouth but and undeniable and amazing drive to make a difference...
...
"God finally made my dream come true after girl, girl, girl. girl, and boy!"
"And boy was I in for it!"
"As a child myself growing up in much better times of the early 60's, I watched a movie called "Jason and the Argonauts" from the balcony of a theater in Pittman, New Jersey."
...
"About Jason a mythical, Greek, hero who was on a quest to find "The Golden Fleece!'
Against insurmountable odds...
"If I only knew...
'As my Jason grew , I realized that he was a little 'Different!'
"He went around in His Huggie and in his own world saying {occasionally} "Holy Crackle."
"If I had only knew again as I write on this library computer and read what I wrote earlier today, with a pen!"
Amen...
...
"Can a child of only two be religious?"
"Why not for god had sent me a "Gift from Above" created by his my wife and my love."
"Why a gift you may ask?"
"Well Carolyn was never supposed to be able since and operation when only seventeen ruined her fallopian tubes in the 60's."
"And it would take eighteen years for me to finally put all of the pieces together in Jay's amazing but tragic life...
...
"He grew up into a fine young man stocky and over-weight desperately seeking a chance for just a date....
"But Jason's destiny was long cast and He realized in the very end it was past...
"I have a picture taken to prove it only twenty minutes before he would be flung into a coma with un-curable brain damaged...
...
"With curly blond hair and hazel-brown eyes. I called him my "Buddy Friend."
"Always nice and respect full and a little naughty as any teen {if you know what I mean} but was He out of place?"
"And did He fall from grace?"
...
"After eighteen birthdays and seventeen Christmas's Jason would not live to see His eighteenth...
...
"Jason [while in high-school} was a basketball player and won three trophies, a musician and *percussionist, cutting his own Cd's called "Jason's Hot shit" as well as dreamed for a carrier as a mechanic."
"But Jason [you see] would never even graduate high-school or life to see that eighteenth Christmas...
...
"On March 31st, 2003 Jason [only a junior] would not qualify to be on the senior class trip to Disney world but did qualify [do to a miss-diagnosis by a stupid kinder gardener teacher to ride as a passenger with a seventeen maniac dead set on destroying himself!"
"Unfortunately, Jay died and Brian lives on."
November 5, 1984~ March 30, 2003.
...
"Brian Cole was a lost Soul and had made a critical and tragic decision to die!"
"Only one thing...
"He lives today and my Son Jason passed away...
"Are you realizing and seeing if jay was a...
'Blessed or Cursed Being?'
"Blessed or Cursed Beings?"
{The Father and the Son}
Part #2
"As for myself?'
"Well, you can imagine...
"I was born October 24th, 1954 in Newport Rhode Island."
"And I was born to two parents with beginning drinking problems."
"Dad {Edward} was a soon to be 26 year retired and well decorated Naval Chief while {Florence} my mother dearest was more like Joan Crawford or "Mommy Dearest!'
"At an early age {as I turn this Page} I was well on my why to Hell!"
"I dumped or threw out dad's booze and {when caught} punished by marching in place with 1,000 lashes!"
"Yes, dad loved us but the booze more!"
"I guess you can blame it on the Navy?"
"A bottle and woman in every port as you "See the World!"
"Through a bottle of booze!"
"WOW....
"Lets take a vow...
"Now do you pledge allegence to this bottle of booze?"
"In these Un-United and Drunken States of America, One Republic for which you stand under Satan?"
"Yes!"
"Well swell and sailor...
"Welcome aboard!"
"This 'Good-ship Lolly-pop!"
...
"Dad {bless His soul} passed away in '72 from {you got it} booze...
"And mom held down the ship till about 2011 thirty-nine years, eventually later going blind with diabetes."
"I was only a teenager when dad passed but well married in family when mom passed."
"I owned my house clear took on the responsibility of two new and instant step-daughters as my own three} would briefly follow...
...
"But the "Winds of Descravation" had blown my way and Jay passed from a nasty accident and Carolyn followed only eight shot months later...
"That was in 2003 but could it get worse?"
"They say there is a "Silver Lining" in every cloud but for crying out loud my clouds never went to "Silver Lining School!"
"Yes I guess I too had not been born with "A Silver Spoon in my Mouth" but perhaps a tarnished one up my ass!"
"After realizing these problems and more, I put my depression [temporarily} in my back pocket dragged myself out of that Pit!"
...
"Sucessful, I had to re-invent myself."
"{Which I did by the "Grace of God"} and a desire to leave my enourmous waste of depressions and grief on paper."
...
"My first poem "Buddy friend" won me a silver bowl and my Whole name on it!"
"Many other gifts such as that would come and fill a desk and wall in my study."
"Could it get worse?"
"They say there is always a "Silver Lining" but like Jay I was not born with "A Silver Spoon!"
...
"After realizing the problems my dear but departed wife of mine...
"Left behind like bills, bills, and more...
"I decided to put my depressions and depressive abilities to mote in a moat!"
"And I set out in my boat and decided to sail the seven seas and see what I could see?"
"Danced all night and swam in the ocean till daybreak even during Hurricane Irene in 06!"
"Picked up a few more tricks too as I again began to write again my reviewer friend!"
"And write I did!"
"Amen!"
...
"Books and books by the hundreds!"
"{Some partial} while others waiting...
"Damn is my brain dissinagrating?"
"For a publisher or two to share my amazing and gifted points of view!"
...
"Sucessful again but perhaps I need to {re-invent myself?}
"So, I left all of my GRIEF, DEPRRESSIONS,and PAIN from the past on paper instead of attached to me!"
"Yes my very first and dedicated poem to Jay and hois friends "Buddy Friend" was a launching pad from Him and His Dell and yes, it came back in 2006 and I almost died and went to Hell!!!!
But I'm back to stay with a new and shiny 18 inch titanium rod in my right leg from that cursed October 11th *accident...
"And yes my fifth on bicycle, two on motorcycle and one in my stinking Lincoln...
"So am I or my late Son Jay...
"Cursed or Blessed Beings?"
24
<><><><><><><><><><><>"Buddy Friend."<><><><><><><><><><><>
By Richard Edward Smrkovsky
{Created from heart, mind, soul, depressions and God and Angel's Grief}
{First Poem written April 14th, 2003}
"I'm not here right now but I'm not very far...
"I'm close by not far...
'As a star...
"You'll fell this place...
"Take a moment and you'll see...
"Exactly where...
"I shall be...
Jason Richard Smrkovsky
November 5th, 1984~March 30, 2003.
Carolyn Ann Richmond Harbach Smrkovsky
December 6,1952~November 23, 2003.






Special thanks goes out first [as always} to Heavenly Father and his late Son too, Jesus Christ, Fan Story, Fan Art Review and this amazing artist "Mk Flood' and the picture "Blues City Angels"
*accident- According to the Colliers and Webster n. event happening buy chance misfortune or mishap esp. causing injury.
Non-essential quality.
"Jason was severely injured from His accident in 2003and yes as I brain damaged but in His case irrevocable."
"{And remember the name of Jay's band previosly?"
"Four Ways to Save?"
Today after over 13 years thee out of "The Four" are alive!"
"To learn more about the amazing Gift or "Gift of Life" program in Philly...
'Simply call my friend Lara S. Moretti the L.S.W. with "The Gift Of Life" Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and tell Lara You reviewed this amazing Piece "Cursed or Blessed Beings!"
"From Jay to me to you!"



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Comment from Juliette Chamberlain

Average

I can see by your writing that you are a storyteller at heart. I have to say, however that your work does need a lot of revision.
Scenes seem to switch without warning, so the reader is left in limbo. You frequently use inappropriate words and spellings are wrong, capitals inappropriate, and quotation marks in the wrong places.

I suspect that English may not be your first language, nonetheless, some careful reading, checking for meanings, and a systematic approach will help.

I suggest that you make an outline of the story first, then apply a system of getting from a to b, that allows the reader to follow.

I have picked out the most obvious mistakes. Where there are brackets that means remove that word. You can then put in the correct word that I have written.

Please believe me when I say that I do not hold myself up as a perfect writer, however, I would not be helping you at all to develop your craft if I did not point out the glaring errors.

'...more (then) than just a son...'

'...but (and) an undeniable...'

'...Jason...just a little ('Different')different...'

'...always (identify next word) and (respect full) respectful...'

'...(kinder gardener) kinder garden teacher...'

' ...seventeen (Christmas's) Christmases...'

'...winds of (descravation) (no such word) Do you mean 'winds of devastation...?'

Warmly,


Juliette

 Comment Written 06-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Nov-2015

Thanks!