My Mommy is a Mummy
A young man goes in search of his missing mother.7 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Pickle. You had me going the whole way through this well written horror yarn! I thought it was a true story until I went back to the top and saw fiction and then I knew it was fiction lol. Very nicely done.
A wonderful contest entry and I wish you the best of luck in it mate.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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G'day Pickle. You had me going the whole way through this well written horror yarn! I thought it was a true story until I went back to the top and saw fiction and then I knew it was fiction lol. Very nicely done.
A wonderful contest entry and I wish you the best of luck in it mate.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. I am flattered!
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mystery Writer
A well constructed story which held my interest all the way through. You built suspense right from the beginning and maintained that intrigue as the story developed. I was trying to imagine what may have happened and I must admit you had me going to the final reveal. Strong, tight writing with no spag that I detected.
I love the fabulous supernatural image. Your dialogue was natural and real. I liked the "plunk, plunk", "Thump, thump", "Rustle, rustle" and the repeat on his return. Interesting, entertaining and a creative take on the prompt. Well done. Well written. I would have given a six if I had one left. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2015
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Hi Mystery Writer
A well constructed story which held my interest all the way through. You built suspense right from the beginning and maintained that intrigue as the story developed. I was trying to imagine what may have happened and I must admit you had me going to the final reveal. Strong, tight writing with no spag that I detected.
I love the fabulous supernatural image. Your dialogue was natural and real. I liked the "plunk, plunk", "Thump, thump", "Rustle, rustle" and the repeat on his return. Interesting, entertaining and a creative take on the prompt. Well done. Well written. I would have given a six if I had one left. Warm Regards - Lovinia xoxo
Comment Written 27-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, Lovinia, for the beautiful and thoughtful review. It was a Halloween story, ut the timeliness is gone. It was fun, though! Thanks again.
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Mummies are timeless. Hahahah! A good story doesn't lose its punch. I've been keeping an eye, so I remember to vote .. I see you are alone in your entry. I hope you have some competitors pop up before the deadline. ")) My pleasure. I enjoyed. Hugs - Lovi xoxo
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Thank you, but it's gone to time two times and been extended. Maybe it will come back around next Halloween. Haha. Thank you so much!
Comment from NaughtieScribe
but I know that wasn't true - knew (minor spag)
"Okay, what going on?" - what's (minor spag)
An eerie silence followed my outburst, almost as though the forest itself leaned in to listen. - Oooo nice visual (really getting into this story - hehehe).
"Let me go, Pickle. You can't help me now. You won't like what I have become." - Rip my heart out and keep me on the edge of my seat. Love it!
Oh wow this was a good read, and an very good contest entry.
Other than the minor adjustments I mentioned, there is nothing to tweak.
Well done, and good luck.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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but I know that wasn't true - knew (minor spag)
"Okay, what going on?" - what's (minor spag)
An eerie silence followed my outburst, almost as though the forest itself leaned in to listen. - Oooo nice visual (really getting into this story - hehehe).
"Let me go, Pickle. You can't help me now. You won't like what I have become." - Rip my heart out and keep me on the edge of my seat. Love it!
Oh wow this was a good read, and an very good contest entry.
Other than the minor adjustments I mentioned, there is nothing to tweak.
Well done, and good luck.
Comment Written 06-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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Thank you, so much, for reviewing my story and picking out the Spag. It's funny how you can reread a hundred times and not catch the small details. That's one of the things I love about this site!
Thank you, also, for pointing out what you do like, as well! You're the best,
Anon
Comment from mfowler
I read this with great attention as it moved, lurched on through the dank, dark forest in search of Mommy. The pace of your piece is relentless and the tension is constant. The use of the onomatopoeia eg rattle, rattle, added to the rhythm and mood of the writing. The finding of Mummy,who was previously Mommy, was strange and inexplicable, but then again, most real mysteries are. The humour, wet with sardonic wit, was a surprise element at the end, but I think it added a bit more interest to a piece that entertains from the start. I can't imagine you writing something with out a touch of humour. Best of luck with the voters.
Spag:
I finally, fell to ..no comma needed.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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I read this with great attention as it moved, lurched on through the dank, dark forest in search of Mommy. The pace of your piece is relentless and the tension is constant. The use of the onomatopoeia eg rattle, rattle, added to the rhythm and mood of the writing. The finding of Mummy,who was previously Mommy, was strange and inexplicable, but then again, most real mysteries are. The humour, wet with sardonic wit, was a surprise element at the end, but I think it added a bit more interest to a piece that entertains from the start. I can't imagine you writing something with out a touch of humour. Best of luck with the voters.
Spag:
I finally, fell to ..no comma needed.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Wow, thank you for such a thorough and encouraging review.Detail helps the writer, me, to know where the strengths and weaknesses are. Also, thanks for catching the Spag. I will fix it at once. And you are right, humor, bordering a bit on sarcasm, often finds it's way into my writing.
Appreciate it much, my friend,
Comment from BeasPeas
I really enjoyed reading this clever and interesting story with many good lines. It held my attention throughout. Clearly described.
There is a slight typo here you may want to correct: "It was from an (a) fountain pen mom kept in the box."
Especially enjoyed: "What was there to say? My mommy was a mummy, and a bad one at that? I decided to keep my secret. After-all, my mother had kept many of mine."
Marilyn/BeasPeas
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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I really enjoyed reading this clever and interesting story with many good lines. It held my attention throughout. Clearly described.
There is a slight typo here you may want to correct: "It was from an (a) fountain pen mom kept in the box."
Especially enjoyed: "What was there to say? My mommy was a mummy, and a bad one at that? I decided to keep my secret. After-all, my mother had kept many of mine."
Marilyn/BeasPeas
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much for the beautiful review. I'll go back and fix that mistake. It's funny no matter how many times you read something, you still miss mistakes!
Comment from gamay
Hello Friend.
This very nice and interesting poem I ever read.
I really enjoyed it.
Good luck and best wishes.
Happy Halloween.
gamay
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Hello Friend.
This very nice and interesting poem I ever read.
I really enjoyed it.
Good luck and best wishes.
Happy Halloween.
gamay
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Thank you, gamay. I appreciate the sweet review!
Happy Halloween to you, too!!
Comment from robyn corum
1.) Tears ran down my face and joined the rain droplets.
--> when did it start raining? I missed that!
This was an interesting story, with a bit of the tongue-in-cheek humor it deserved -- not taking itself tooooo seriously. I enjoyed!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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1.) Tears ran down my face and joined the rain droplets.
--> when did it start raining? I missed that!
This was an interesting story, with a bit of the tongue-in-cheek humor it deserved -- not taking itself tooooo seriously. I enjoyed!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2015
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Thank you, Robyn, that was the point, and I'm glad you caught it. I'm not much of a horror story writer, so I had to do it at my own level.
About the rain, it was mentioned in the first line, but I probably should put it in again, to emphasize. I'll go fix it, thanks.
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sorry - I missed that - or forgot! (probably!) Good job!
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That's okay, I would prefer to believe it was because you were so "caught up" in the story. haha.
Thanks for the review!
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Wellllll, I didn't want to give you a big head.....
Thanks for destroying the moment. sheesh.
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Oh, don't worry, I'm a long long way from a big head. I've lost enough contests to know I stand alone most often, and not at the top. Just more of my tongue in cheek. I laugh more at myself than others. Thanks for reviewing!
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Oh, don't worry, I'm a long long way from a big head. I've lost enough contests to know I stand alone most often, and not at the top. Just more of my tongue in cheek. I laugh more at myself than others. Thanks for reviewing!
