Uncle Paul's House
just having some fun7 total reviews
Comment from EMB
Uncle Paul must have been a very scary character when he was alive, otherwise why would they be so afraid of his ghost? Haha. (But as a cat owner, I must add that cats don't protect ANYTHING.) LOL
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Uncle Paul must have been a very scary character when he was alive, otherwise why would they be so afraid of his ghost? Haha. (But as a cat owner, I must add that cats don't protect ANYTHING.) LOL
Comment Written 02-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Cats are very intuitive animals. Thank you for the great review. Uncle Paul adored me. He nicknamed me T.C. for Top Cat. lol
Comment from RonCraig
Hello Teri,
A fun story about ghosts and guard cats. I had an Uncle Paul, but mine didn't play a steel guitar. You are using the other person's name in the dialog to avoid taglines
Two things I want to offer, your dialog is very formal, just adding contractions will enhance it's realism, for example;
YOURS; "Teresa, you have made a good point to me. I guess you are right about there being spirits all around us. Since Uncle Paul died I have heard him walking in this house."
SUGGESTED; "You've made a good point, Teresa. I guess you're right about spirits around us. Since Uncle Paul died I've heard him walking in this house."
Contractions and dropping some of the understood words and phrases. We don't talk with proper sentences, little thing "...spirits all around us" to "...spirits around us." say them out loud
The next is action, detail what are these people doing while talking. What does the room look like. I use tag lines instead of extra narrative to give some action.
YOURS; "Danette, come here and stare out this window with me. It looks like Uncle Paul standing at that gas station like he used to. Do you see what I mean?"
SUGGESTION; "Come here, look," Teresa gasped pulling the curtain back, her stare locked on the image through the window. "Tell me that isn't Uncle Paul pumping gas out there."
Just some thoughts my friend,
Ron
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015
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Hello Teri,
A fun story about ghosts and guard cats. I had an Uncle Paul, but mine didn't play a steel guitar. You are using the other person's name in the dialog to avoid taglines
Two things I want to offer, your dialog is very formal, just adding contractions will enhance it's realism, for example;
YOURS; "Teresa, you have made a good point to me. I guess you are right about there being spirits all around us. Since Uncle Paul died I have heard him walking in this house."
SUGGESTED; "You've made a good point, Teresa. I guess you're right about spirits around us. Since Uncle Paul died I've heard him walking in this house."
Contractions and dropping some of the understood words and phrases. We don't talk with proper sentences, little thing "...spirits all around us" to "...spirits around us." say them out loud
The next is action, detail what are these people doing while talking. What does the room look like. I use tag lines instead of extra narrative to give some action.
YOURS; "Danette, come here and stare out this window with me. It looks like Uncle Paul standing at that gas station like he used to. Do you see what I mean?"
SUGGESTION; "Come here, look," Teresa gasped pulling the curtain back, her stare locked on the image through the window. "Tell me that isn't Uncle Paul pumping gas out there."
Just some thoughts my friend,
Ron
Comment Written 29-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2015
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Thank you for all your help but I think it's too late to fix it now. Hugs, Teri
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Hello Teri,
The suggestions were more general ideas to take into your next writing.
Ron
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thank you for your help Ron
Comment from AnnaLinda
Teri,
LOL...I didn't know cats were ghost busters! I enjoyed reading this mini thriller
and I saw no errors whatsoever. It makes me think of how I see and sense things
like that. Wish I didn't. This was really well written and goes along with the
season.
Linda
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015
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Teri,
LOL...I didn't know cats were ghost busters! I enjoyed reading this mini thriller
and I saw no errors whatsoever. It makes me think of how I see and sense things
like that. Wish I didn't. This was really well written and goes along with the
season.
Linda
Comment Written 28-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2015
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Thank you Linda. Its really true about cats. hugs, Teri
Comment from frogbook
Cute little story. Stayed true to the prompt. You chose a great piece of art work to go with the story. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Cute little story. Stayed true to the prompt. You chose a great piece of art work to go with the story. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you for the great review. hugs, Teri
Comment from jpduck
I am afraid I felt that Danette was far too easily convinced. Nor did I feel there was any sense of fear.
Please remember that all reviews, even those of professional critics (which I'm certainly not), are nothing more nor less than personal opinion -- with the possible exception of SPAGs and typos.
A couple of SPAGs:
"Danette, please look over here at this window and tell me you don't believe in ghosts?" (Change the question mark to a period; this is not a question).
"You can't tell me that you believed all that malarkey?" (As above).
Adrian
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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I am afraid I felt that Danette was far too easily convinced. Nor did I feel there was any sense of fear.
Please remember that all reviews, even those of professional critics (which I'm certainly not), are nothing more nor less than personal opinion -- with the possible exception of SPAGs and typos.
A couple of SPAGs:
"Danette, please look over here at this window and tell me you don't believe in ghosts?" (Change the question mark to a period; this is not a question).
"You can't tell me that you believed all that malarkey?" (As above).
Adrian
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you for your review and opinions. Hugs, Teri
Comment from PoemsOfDD
This is an interesting read on 'there's no such things as ghosts'. It is descriptive and sets the scene allowing attention in the story to be kept. Both appear like they believe in ghosts. Danette saying so in the second paragraph and Terese saying she still gets chills and has seven cats to protect her. Well done on this imaginative read and good luck in the competition.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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This is an interesting read on 'there's no such things as ghosts'. It is descriptive and sets the scene allowing attention in the story to be kept. Both appear like they believe in ghosts. Danette saying so in the second paragraph and Terese saying she still gets chills and has seven cats to protect her. Well done on this imaginative read and good luck in the competition.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you for the great review. Hugs, Teri
Comment from gamay
Hello Anon.
This is very nice short story.
Its good entry in the contest.
Good luck and best wishes.
Have a nice day to you.
gamay
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hello Anon.
This is very nice short story.
Its good entry in the contest.
Good luck and best wishes.
Have a nice day to you.
gamay
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you for the great review. Hugs, Teri