Snippets
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Demise"A collection of 150 word, or less, short stories
11 total reviews
Comment from Serendipity!
That is definitely an unexpected ending. I was expecting something different however, a surprize ending showing that she was, well...a duck, or goose maybe? Something humorous, you know?? Wish you would try it, cuz I am eager to see what you would come up with.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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That is definitely an unexpected ending. I was expecting something different however, a surprize ending showing that she was, well...a duck, or goose maybe? Something humorous, you know?? Wish you would try it, cuz I am eager to see what you would come up with.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Humor has never been my forte. But, who knows? Glad you enjoyed this little tale.
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Ok...
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Ok...
Comment from Bill Schott
Nice quick story of the dude who didn't want a future of blackmail. Irony can be fatal.
I know you wanted it under 150, so I think some choices can be edited without hurting that goal. For instance:
***History says -- not going to happen. (this needs this pause, or maybe 'it's', I think, to keep me from thinking there's a word missing)
***My plan (transformed ???) itself without a hitch. Transformed means changed. Maybe PERFORMED or TRANSPIRED or even WENT OFF sans 'itself'.
Happy day.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Nice quick story of the dude who didn't want a future of blackmail. Irony can be fatal.
I know you wanted it under 150, so I think some choices can be edited without hurting that goal. For instance:
***History says -- not going to happen. (this needs this pause, or maybe 'it's', I think, to keep me from thinking there's a word missing)
***My plan (transformed ???) itself without a hitch. Transformed means changed. Maybe PERFORMED or TRANSPIRED or even WENT OFF sans 'itself'.
Happy day.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Edits noted. Always appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Ouch! Looks like pimp guy was aware of, or suspected, your plan. You don't say if she drank the poison before you were killed, but I guess it doesn't really matter.
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Ouch! Looks like pimp guy was aware of, or suspected, your plan. You don't say if she drank the poison before you were killed, but I guess it doesn't really matter.
Comment Written 29-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 29-Aug-2015
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Reason I was killed is I poisoned her. Two murders for the price of one. Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh my goodness did not see that coming.
Nicely done with a twist at the end that fit in so well.
Nice beginning as a lead, body complete with an ending.
Very well done
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Oh my goodness did not see that coming.
Nicely done with a twist at the end that fit in so well.
Nice beginning as a lead, body complete with an ending.
Very well done
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
You sure write a lot of different types of stories. This one was really good too. I had an idea that the man who had planed this would be the one to meet his waterloo. I'm surprised that I got it right.
Kat
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Hi Brett,
You sure write a lot of different types of stories. This one was really good too. I had an idea that the man who had planed this would be the one to meet his waterloo. I'm surprised that I got it right.
Kat
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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They both were killed. Glad you enjoyed this one.
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Well, I was half right then. I didn't know two were killed.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Brett...
_ Yeah, she sort of put a kink in his plan.
_ That revenge button can really backfire.
_ Great story with good end-twist.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Hi, Brett...
_ Yeah, she sort of put a kink in his plan.
_ That revenge button can really backfire.
_ Great story with good end-twist.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this one. Always appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from MelB
Such a sinister plan. Wow, what are the odds two people would have the same plan at the same time? I wonder if she drank the poison after he was shot?
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Such a sinister plan. Wow, what are the odds two people would have the same plan at the same time? I wonder if she drank the poison after he was shot?
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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He was shot after he poisoned her. Two deaths, one story. Glad you enjoyed this little tale.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
You both had it for each other, planning the other ones death, with a dinner invitation. Wonder if she drank the dose or arsenic after she shot you in the chest.
A sad story, but I can't help smiling a little bit for both have plans against each other, who walks away unharmed?
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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You both had it for each other, planning the other ones death, with a dinner invitation. Wonder if she drank the dose or arsenic after she shot you in the chest.
A sad story, but I can't help smiling a little bit for both have plans against each other, who walks away unharmed?
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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She didn't shoot me. Her pimp did, after I poisoned her. So, we both died. Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Appreciate your comments and support.
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I must have a weird sense of humor because I can't help to smile, at the death of two people by the hand of the pimp and you. Lols
Comment from jmdg1954
If you're going to play with fire... Be prepared! I guess he didn't really know who he was dealing with.
Nicely done in the shortened allowed number of words telling a complete tale.
John
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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If you're going to play with fire... Be prepared! I guess he didn't really know who he was dealing with.
Nicely done in the shortened allowed number of words telling a complete tale.
John
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. No, reckon he had no clue who he was dealing with.
Comment from barkingdog
What goes around comes around for this fellow. I loved the short but sweet plot.
- But, can a man ever figure one of the species out without looking like a fool?
Keep the parts of your verb together(figure out): But, can a man ever figure out one of the species without looking like a fool?
-A quaint candlelight dinner at our favorite restaurant on Lake Gilman was planned.
Use active instead of passive verb(was planned): We planned a quaint candlelight dinner at our favorite restaurant on Lake Gilman.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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What goes around comes around for this fellow. I loved the short but sweet plot.
- But, can a man ever figure one of the species out without looking like a fool?
Keep the parts of your verb together(figure out): But, can a man ever figure out one of the species without looking like a fool?
-A quaint candlelight dinner at our favorite restaurant on Lake Gilman was planned.
Use active instead of passive verb(was planned): We planned a quaint candlelight dinner at our favorite restaurant on Lake Gilman.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them always.