Christine's Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 92 "Haiku: caterpillar change"Poems /stories on Fanstory
5 total reviews
Comment from mountainwriter49
Good Afternoon, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your poem this afternoon. Seeing a caterpillar emerge from a cocoon is an amazing sight.
There are some elements of your poem in which haiku elements are present. For example, you have written in present tense, provided two grammatically connected lines and have juxtapositoined two concrete images--caterpillar and butterfly. You have provided a satori/ah-ha line. You have not personified nature and are within the allowable syllable count.
There are some elements of haiku that could be improved. Please let me explain. In haiku, word efficiency and effectiveness is admired. In line 1 you use 'change' and in line 2 'transforms'. Change and transforms are close synonyms, thus I sense a redundancy, particularly with the two words being back-to-back. Haiku also capture an observable moment in time. 'caterpillar change / transforms into butterfly' is describing a process over time rather than a moment in time. There are ways this could be said and keep it in the 'moment in time' vs. a 'process in time.' I think better clarity in lines 1&2 would make the satori even more outstanding.
Please let me know if you make edits. I'll be glad to return and provide another review.
Ray
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Good Afternoon, Poet,
I enjoyed reading your poem this afternoon. Seeing a caterpillar emerge from a cocoon is an amazing sight.
There are some elements of your poem in which haiku elements are present. For example, you have written in present tense, provided two grammatically connected lines and have juxtapositoined two concrete images--caterpillar and butterfly. You have provided a satori/ah-ha line. You have not personified nature and are within the allowable syllable count.
There are some elements of haiku that could be improved. Please let me explain. In haiku, word efficiency and effectiveness is admired. In line 1 you use 'change' and in line 2 'transforms'. Change and transforms are close synonyms, thus I sense a redundancy, particularly with the two words being back-to-back. Haiku also capture an observable moment in time. 'caterpillar change / transforms into butterfly' is describing a process over time rather than a moment in time. There are ways this could be said and keep it in the 'moment in time' vs. a 'process in time.' I think better clarity in lines 1&2 would make the satori even more outstanding.
Please let me know if you make edits. I'll be glad to return and provide another review.
Ray
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you Ray for your review and comments for my Haiku. These are very helpful to my learning in how to present a Haiku and I shall keep them in mind for any future ones I may write. I find this quite a challenging ,but confusing style and have conflicting views from reviewers some say this meets all requirements of a Haiku and give very encouraging comments etc. and yet you have picked up areas to ok prove on which I am grateful for. As this is in the contest voting process at the moment I will leave as is. But I will keep your wise words in min for the future. I appreciate your time taken and one can only improve with practice. Cheers
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You are very welcome, and good luck in the booth.
Ray
Comment from TAB_that's me
It is written in the proper form but it doesn't really tell us anything we don't know. There is not clear concrete imagery and not a clear 'aha'.
teresa
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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It is written in the proper form but it doesn't really tell us anything we don't know. There is not clear concrete imagery and not a clear 'aha'.
teresa
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your comments and time to read this. Appreciated .Cheers
Comment from Cybertron1986
Everything works here. Format is precise. Meaning is concise. And, I love the reference to nature and science when you used the word "Metamorphosis." This is a perfect piece in educating young minds the relative subject areas here as well as metamorphosis. I want to use this for my kid who has yet to know the word. Great piece.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Everything works here. Format is precise. Meaning is concise. And, I love the reference to nature and science when you used the word "Metamorphosis." This is a perfect piece in educating young minds the relative subject areas here as well as metamorphosis. I want to use this for my kid who has yet to know the word. Great piece.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
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Thank you Cyberton1986 for your great review and rating. Of course you may use this for your kid I'm glad you found it worthy with appreciation of your time to read this Cheers
Comment from Clover77
A simple yet well written poem my fellow writer. Wonderful job, and I wish you the best of luck on your future writings. Well done
~Julia
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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A simple yet well written poem my fellow writer. Wonderful job, and I wish you the best of luck on your future writings. Well done
~Julia
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Thank you Julia for your review and best of luck wishes. Always a challenge with these to come up with something a bit different Cheers
Comment from hannahorion
This poem complies with 5-7-5 Haiku form. Title: caterpillar change. The Subject is "caterpillar change transforms into butterfly " The Observation is "metamorphosis". The link is that "caterpillar change" is the meaning of the word "metamorphosis". The genius is in identifying the meaning of metamorphosis as "caterpillar change". This show great insight. I gave it five stars.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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This poem complies with 5-7-5 Haiku form. Title: caterpillar change. The Subject is "caterpillar change transforms into butterfly " The Observation is "metamorphosis". The link is that "caterpillar change" is the meaning of the word "metamorphosis". The genius is in identifying the meaning of metamorphosis as "caterpillar change". This show great insight. I gave it five stars.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2015
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Thank hannahorion for your great review and 5 Stars . I tried to be all encompassing with this Haiku and glad you found it insightful Cheers
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Well done