Grave Circumstances
Sometimes, the dead won't rest in pieces...35 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
An enjoyable, gristly tale. I was expecting Mr. Pips to be revealed, so the discovery that it was her son works well.
The dialogue flows well, and gives enough of an impression of the characters to bring them alive.
Only one suggestion:
The grizzled, gray-headed physician extracted his face momentarily from the journal he was immersed in writing.
--I found this sentence a bit cumbersome. Would suggest either dropping 'writing' or 'immersed in' to help it flow more.
Congratulations on the win :)
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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An enjoyable, gristly tale. I was expecting Mr. Pips to be revealed, so the discovery that it was her son works well.
The dialogue flows well, and gives enough of an impression of the characters to bring them alive.
Only one suggestion:
The grizzled, gray-headed physician extracted his face momentarily from the journal he was immersed in writing.
--I found this sentence a bit cumbersome. Would suggest either dropping 'writing' or 'immersed in' to help it flow more.
Congratulations on the win :)
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading, Dashjianta, and for those editing suggestions. I appreciate that, and I'll address them right away!
Thanks again...
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dean,
You captured the vernacular of the time beautifully which certainly gave this story authenticity. That really was gruesome business, but somewhat necessary for the advancement of science, in my opinion.
What a fantastically surprise ending, written with terrific dark humor. Ya done good, kid.
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Hi Dean,
You captured the vernacular of the time beautifully which certainly gave this story authenticity. That really was gruesome business, but somewhat necessary for the advancement of science, in my opinion.
What a fantastically surprise ending, written with terrific dark humor. Ya done good, kid.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 07-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2014
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Thanks for the outstanding feedback on this story, Lou. The dialect for Lidia's character was much harder to write than I'd originally anticipated, making it legible, but sound authentic. I'm very glad you liked that part of it. It certainly was a fun story to write!
Thanks so much again.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Okay, my friend .. you hit the bull's eye again!
This one was even better than Arsenic and Old Grace - the dialect in the dialogue added such authenticity to the write.
Fabulously well done, Dean!
Sonali :)
supper prompt(l)y at eight
'im, doc.(,) so's you can see for yourself(?) (remove the period before the question mark)
with a grunge-caked (fingernail)
of things 'bout you two, 'e has." .. did you mean .. too .. or is it two?
Dr. Beaumont (rose), straightening
in a vain attempt (at) maintaining an air of authority
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Okay, my friend .. you hit the bull's eye again!
This one was even better than Arsenic and Old Grace - the dialect in the dialogue added such authenticity to the write.
Fabulously well done, Dean!
Sonali :)
supper prompt(l)y at eight
'im, doc.(,) so's you can see for yourself(?) (remove the period before the question mark)
with a grunge-caked (fingernail)
of things 'bout you two, 'e has." .. did you mean .. too .. or is it two?
Dr. Beaumont (rose), straightening
in a vain attempt (at) maintaining an air of authority
Comment Written 06-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Hey, thanks for weighing in on this one for me, Reach! Thanks for catching that SPA&G for me, too. It's all fixed now, thanks to your keen eye.
I truly appreciate all the help, and the fantastic review!
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh this is exceptionally well written, Dean. You had me going wondering who was going to be in the body bag. Your vernacular is most effective and easy to read and your narrative descriptions are top notch imagery.
Congratulations on your contest win. I can see why, because this is very, very good, and cold as hell. ;-)
Love it!
Gloria
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Oh this is exceptionally well written, Dean. You had me going wondering who was going to be in the body bag. Your vernacular is most effective and easy to read and your narrative descriptions are top notch imagery.
Congratulations on your contest win. I can see why, because this is very, very good, and cold as hell. ;-)
Love it!
Gloria
Comment Written 05-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Gloria. I appreciate those kind comments. I'm really glad you liked my humble offering.
Thanks again!
Comment from Twilightspire
Entertained, indeed! I loved it. Graverobbing fascinates me in the fact that it's so damn morbid, but alas, I am a morbid guy.
I loved the dialogue. You hit the idiom perfectly and I had no trouble getting the accent in my head with what you had written. The tone of the piece was perfect, using both the excellent dialogue and setting to really add to the chill factor. Wonderfully written short, my friend.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Entertained, indeed! I loved it. Graverobbing fascinates me in the fact that it's so damn morbid, but alas, I am a morbid guy.
I loved the dialogue. You hit the idiom perfectly and I had no trouble getting the accent in my head with what you had written. The tone of the piece was perfect, using both the excellent dialogue and setting to really add to the chill factor. Wonderfully written short, my friend.
-T.J.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Hey, thanks, T.J! It's great to get your input on this one, my talented friend. I almost scrapped the dialogue all together after my second reader awarded me with a three-star review claiming it was virtually illegible and impossible to comprehend. But, I decided it was too late in the game to rewrite it, so I let it ride. I'm very glad now that I did. It seemed to help propel the story based on other feedback I've received.
Thanks again for an awesome review. I truly appreciate it!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Great story, Dean. Congratulations on this contest win. Very entertaining, a super revenge story. Love the dialect. Plus, I learned something!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Great story, Dean. Congratulations on this contest win. Very entertaining, a super revenge story. Love the dialect. Plus, I learned something!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Well, thanks very much, Green Lake Girl. I'm really glad you liked it!
Comment from Michaelk
Excellent story! The atmosphere was great, the characters worked very well off of each other. The tension rose nicely through the story, and the twist at the end was magnificent. I thought the doctor was about to kill her for being to talkative. Guess that shows what I know. Great story, great ending. I hope you do well in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Excellent story! The atmosphere was great, the characters worked very well off of each other. The tension rose nicely through the story, and the twist at the end was magnificent. I thought the doctor was about to kill her for being to talkative. Guess that shows what I know. Great story, great ending. I hope you do well in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Thanks for sharing your opinions with me about this story, Michaelk. I am very happy you enjoyed it, my friend!
Comment from DonandVicki
A very good thriller fiction and quite fun to become engaged in. You have a wonderful sense of character development.It Gave me the willies. Don and Vicki
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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A very good thriller fiction and quite fun to become engaged in. You have a wonderful sense of character development.It Gave me the willies. Don and Vicki
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Thank you, Don, I really appreciate those kind comments. I'm very glad you enjoyed the story.
Comment from Judyblue
What a pleasure to read... macabre, yes, but thoroughly engaging, great twist at the end. As I was reading initially, I was thinking that this kind of story has been done before. I thought I knew where it was headed. I'm delighted to be wrong. I love the irony--Dr. Beaumont finding his son dead and dismembered at the hands of the woman's whose daughter he'd dismembered.
Your use of dialog was pitch perfect,no easy task to make a dialect ring so true. Further, your description of place and people was wonderful. I could see the characters, their surroundings. Really so well done! Congratulations. A joy to read. --Judy
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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What a pleasure to read... macabre, yes, but thoroughly engaging, great twist at the end. As I was reading initially, I was thinking that this kind of story has been done before. I thought I knew where it was headed. I'm delighted to be wrong. I love the irony--Dr. Beaumont finding his son dead and dismembered at the hands of the woman's whose daughter he'd dismembered.
Your use of dialog was pitch perfect,no easy task to make a dialect ring so true. Further, your description of place and people was wonderful. I could see the characters, their surroundings. Really so well done! Congratulations. A joy to read. --Judy
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2014
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Well, what a wonderful compliment, thank you Judy. You have made my day! I am really glad you were entertained by the story, and appreciated the dialogue. I almost scrapped it based on a three-star review that said it was completely unreadable, but I decided to let it ride and see what happened. Based on your response, I'm very glad I did!
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Oh yes! Do keep the dialog. It brings the story to life. I think critiques a swell but not always to be taken to heart. So glad you kept it in.
Comment from angelface2
I hate to say it, but I was entertained. What a gruesome tale. A gruesome picture to go with it. Quite remarkable. Miss Sally
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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I hate to say it, but I was entertained. What a gruesome tale. A gruesome picture to go with it. Quite remarkable. Miss Sally
Comment Written 04-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2014
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Thanks for reading it and for sharing your thoughts with me about it, Miss Sally. I really appreciate that!