Night Hawks
a noir contest entry20 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Rod,
I'm out of sixes, so here's a virtual one ... XXXXXX(6).
I can see how this one won! Wow! It all played like a movie in my head.
Fabulously well done. Authentic dialogue, good descriptions, no unnecessary detail.
Have a great weekend and rest happily on your laurels!
Sonali :)
over to the (the - remove duplicate the) counter where both corners met(,) and swung my
that somehow stayed atop his bald head(,) no matter what he did.
Tired(,) perhaps(,) of a dim skyline
I (more or less) recovered,
It's on the house (')cause I'd only be throwin'
she seldom lifted from her long white ringless fingers(,)
were deep purple. Her
"He why we had to come here?" .. a word/words missing here?
There's only one 'Enzo' (that's ?) dictatorial
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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Hello Rod,
I'm out of sixes, so here's a virtual one ... XXXXXX(6).
I can see how this one won! Wow! It all played like a movie in my head.
Fabulously well done. Authentic dialogue, good descriptions, no unnecessary detail.
Have a great weekend and rest happily on your laurels!
Sonali :)
over to the (the - remove duplicate the) counter where both corners met(,) and swung my
that somehow stayed atop his bald head(,) no matter what he did.
Tired(,) perhaps(,) of a dim skyline
I (more or less) recovered,
It's on the house (')cause I'd only be throwin'
she seldom lifted from her long white ringless fingers(,)
were deep purple. Her
"He why we had to come here?" .. a word/words missing here?
There's only one 'Enzo' (that's ?) dictatorial
Comment Written 07-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Reachingforthestars, for this wonderful review and all those kudos. And I appreciate this very thorough analysis of my glitches. RodG
Comment from mortman
I think this story has a great noir feel to it. A struggling ex-cop, now PI, downtrodden with an attitude, but a good man just the same. You also have a clearly defined bad guy. I enjoyed the story, and also liked the fact it was inspired by the painting (which, incidentally, reminds me of The Sting). I have a few suggestions, all of which are minor (and more like personal preferences in some cases), but are hopefully of some help. The first sentence structure is a bit awkward for me. Starting a sentence with ?that? and then the ?was as? construct. Maybe start with ?The Chicago night was?? I?m also a fan of avoiding the possessive of inanimate objects. As a suggestion: ?I entered the diner and sidled to the counter where both corners met and swung my bum leg over my favorite stool.? Connie to me is a girl?s name, so without the benefit of the painting, a reader could be initially confused in the 2nd paragraph as to who was talking (maybe Gino, or Sal would work better than Connie?) Your 2nd paragraph is setting the scene in terms of the heat outside. However, heat itself doesn?t really look nasty so I?m not sure if that comment works. I?m also not sure why people in the train wouldn?t look into the diner as they passed by, just because it was hot outside. Also, I think El should be EL. I?m not exactly sure what a Genghis Khan stare is. There are full paragraphs describing the bad guy and the lady, which just seemed to me to be a little imbalanced relative to your other character descriptions. I don?t think you need much much ? just one much will do. Like I said, these things are minor and didn?t detract from the story itself. Just wanted to give you some food for thought.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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I think this story has a great noir feel to it. A struggling ex-cop, now PI, downtrodden with an attitude, but a good man just the same. You also have a clearly defined bad guy. I enjoyed the story, and also liked the fact it was inspired by the painting (which, incidentally, reminds me of The Sting). I have a few suggestions, all of which are minor (and more like personal preferences in some cases), but are hopefully of some help. The first sentence structure is a bit awkward for me. Starting a sentence with ?that? and then the ?was as? construct. Maybe start with ?The Chicago night was?? I?m also a fan of avoiding the possessive of inanimate objects. As a suggestion: ?I entered the diner and sidled to the counter where both corners met and swung my bum leg over my favorite stool.? Connie to me is a girl?s name, so without the benefit of the painting, a reader could be initially confused in the 2nd paragraph as to who was talking (maybe Gino, or Sal would work better than Connie?) Your 2nd paragraph is setting the scene in terms of the heat outside. However, heat itself doesn?t really look nasty so I?m not sure if that comment works. I?m also not sure why people in the train wouldn?t look into the diner as they passed by, just because it was hot outside. Also, I think El should be EL. I?m not exactly sure what a Genghis Khan stare is. There are full paragraphs describing the bad guy and the lady, which just seemed to me to be a little imbalanced relative to your other character descriptions. I don?t think you need much much ? just one much will do. Like I said, these things are minor and didn?t detract from the story itself. Just wanted to give you some food for thought.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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I wish to thank you profusely, mortman, for this exceptional review. I really appreciate the time taken to make suggestions to improve the content and syntax of the story. I definitely will consider each suggestion. RodG
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write with imagery and needs no edit or changes.Thanks for sharing your story with me. A well expressed and easy to understand story. ...................Mary
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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A good write with imagery and needs no edit or changes.Thanks for sharing your story with me. A well expressed and easy to understand story. ...................Mary
Comment Written 07-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2014
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I am delighted you enjoyed the story, Mary Ann. Thank you for reviewing. RodG
Comment from Acquired Taste
Congratulations - a very worthy winner.
I have that print and have often thought about doing a story - you however, did it and did it very well.
AT=/
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Congratulations - a very worthy winner.
I have that print and have often thought about doing a story - you however, did it and did it very well.
AT=/
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Thank you very much for sharing my story. I am delighted you liked it. RodG
Comment from mfowler
Well done Rod. You've constructed a great noir narrative around this Hopper scene. I found myself transport back to Carloff and Tracey. Maybe, Mitchum and Rita Hayworth could play the parts. The dialogue was pure and your reflective passages dark and sassy. The action was great and the characters atypical. I loved the food sources at the diner.
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Well done Rod. You've constructed a great noir narrative around this Hopper scene. I found myself transport back to Carloff and Tracey. Maybe, Mitchum and Rita Hayworth could play the parts. The dialogue was pure and your reflective passages dark and sassy. The action was great and the characters atypical. I loved the food sources at the diner.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I am thrilled to have won and Itruly appreciate your high praise. Thank you. RodG
Comment from MagKing
I can see you won the contest. Congratulations!
You really do deserve winning the contest.
A fine write, with an interesting read.
Congratulations once more!
MagKing
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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I can see you won the contest. Congratulations!
You really do deserve winning the contest.
A fine write, with an interesting read.
Congratulations once more!
MagKing
Comment Written 06-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 06-Feb-2014
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Thank you for your kind praise. I am thrilled to have won and truly appreciate your support. RodG
Comment from rouskin
It really deserves to be a winner Congratulations ! Excellent narrative, with just the right touch of humanity and action
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2014
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It really deserves to be a winner Congratulations ! Excellent narrative, with just the right touch of humanity and action
Comment Written 05-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much for your enthusiastic review. I am indeed thrilled to have won. RodG
Comment from Halfree
Like the general tone of this story, a mixture of Spillane and Runyon. all in all nicely done. In some places a little bit over the top. Well written dialogue. Suggest you drop the ending line,last sentence. Does not add to the story and in some way dilutes the ending. Enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Like the general tone of this story, a mixture of Spillane and Runyon. all in all nicely done. In some places a little bit over the top. Well written dialogue. Suggest you drop the ending line,last sentence. Does not add to the story and in some way dilutes the ending. Enjoyable read.
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Halfree. I welcome the comparison to Spillane. I also appreciate your suggestion .
Comment from krowboom
Good story great noir
you really know how to raise the bar
A lot of excitement a lot of action
Bet old Johnny will wind up in traction.
Good job good attention
the story deserves more than an honorable mention
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Good story great noir
you really know how to raise the bar
A lot of excitement a lot of action
Bet old Johnny will wind up in traction.
Good job good attention
the story deserves more than an honorable mention
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you so much,Krowboom, for this delightful review. Glad you enjoyed the action.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Excellent narrative, with a decidedly nice slice of just enough of the film noir feel to make it play out like an old detective serial form the fifties. I can tell by your writing style that this isn't your first rodeo. Very polished, with believable action and just the right amount of human element to make you feel genuine empathy for the characters involved.
Well done!
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Excellent narrative, with a decidedly nice slice of just enough of the film noir feel to make it play out like an old detective serial form the fifties. I can tell by your writing style that this isn't your first rodeo. Very polished, with believable action and just the right amount of human element to make you feel genuine empathy for the characters involved.
Well done!
Comment Written 04-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Dean. It was fun to jump back in time to recapture that "film noir" atmosphere. So glad you enjoyed the story.