The Secret-(Story)
childhood days7 total reviews
Comment from A Matter Of Words
The descriptions opening the story allows the reader to visualize the scene and people very well. I enjoyed the fact that the secret was one from long ago that was held between them. Nice job.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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The descriptions opening the story allows the reader to visualize the scene and people very well. I enjoyed the fact that the secret was one from long ago that was held between them. Nice job.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2013
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thankyou
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You're welcome.
Comment from EMB
Okay. This immediately took me to a foreign country just as soon as you mention a bar showing a cricket match. Haha! Not in the States. Ever.
I'm surprised by how you don't ever launch into dialogue with this piece. It's a bar, and two people are having a conversation.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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Okay. This immediately took me to a foreign country just as soon as you mention a bar showing a cricket match. Haha! Not in the States. Ever.
I'm surprised by how you don't ever launch into dialogue with this piece. It's a bar, and two people are having a conversation.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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thanks
Comment from persevere
I was waiting for a more dramatic secret. Your lead up was good but I think there could have been a more gripping end. Well tried anyway.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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I was waiting for a more dramatic secret. Your lead up was good but I think there could have been a more gripping end. Well tried anyway.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2013
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thanks
Comment from pyrrhonest
You need to take more care with your grammar and sentence structure. I started correcting errors but there were just to many to continue. Also, you should do a massive editing. Try just once to eliminate every word that can be eliinated without changing your meaning and you will be on the way to a vast improvement in your prose. Below are my notes while reading.
"...bit of color to the bar." Find another word to replace 'color' or remove the"colored' modifier of 'stained glass'
brown hair,(add 'is' here) quite tall and neatly dressed in a business suit that is dark blue (in color) eliminate in color, we all know blue is a color.
The lady (places herself) sits
what her name was. Was? It is tough to write in the present tense. Take care to stay there once you start.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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You need to take more care with your grammar and sentence structure. I started correcting errors but there were just to many to continue. Also, you should do a massive editing. Try just once to eliminate every word that can be eliinated without changing your meaning and you will be on the way to a vast improvement in your prose. Below are my notes while reading.
"...bit of color to the bar." Find another word to replace 'color' or remove the"colored' modifier of 'stained glass'
brown hair,(add 'is' here) quite tall and neatly dressed in a business suit that is dark blue (in color) eliminate in color, we all know blue is a color.
The lady (places herself) sits
what her name was. Was? It is tough to write in the present tense. Take care to stay there once you start.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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thanks very much for the advice you have given me. I do agree. I do not need to explain things twice. A blue suit is a blue suit. I will edit my story.
Comment from j.moore
You show how friends can keep a secret. your story tells of a meaningful friendship that took time to grow. when someone does something good for you, never forget. this tells us it's never to late to renew a friendship. cute story.
Thanks
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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You show how friends can keep a secret. your story tells of a meaningful friendship that took time to grow. when someone does something good for you, never forget. this tells us it's never to late to renew a friendship. cute story.
Thanks
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2013
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thanks
Comment from Adi
I have to say this story was very very big. That's why gave it five stars. If I could I would give it 5000000000000000000000000000000000000 stars.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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I have to say this story was very very big. That's why gave it five stars. If I could I would give it 5000000000000000000000000000000000000 stars.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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thanks very much
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You welcome
Comment from SaluteDobby
This was pretty good. A simple, childish secret. Well written. It would have been better if the stoey had dialogues, especially between the women. All the best with the contest!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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This was pretty good. A simple, childish secret. Well written. It would have been better if the stoey had dialogues, especially between the women. All the best with the contest!
Comment Written 10-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2013
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thanks