Sorry I Missed You: Part I
A man plans a deadly surprise for his wife's birthday.22 total reviews
Comment from MelReyn
I had to stop by to see. I'm submerged in the story, just like I like to be and am to the point where she has seen Sonny off to work and then calls Ron back to make plans. I know that Sonny has plans to kill tonight. Some part of me is thinking that Ron is in on it though. Not sure why. I just have the feeling that he's helping Sonny out.
Okay, I was way off. No scheme to off the wife. But I was holding my breath the whole time. This is great, as I've come to expect from you. ;) Now. Enough talk. I have to see what's going on with part two!
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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I had to stop by to see. I'm submerged in the story, just like I like to be and am to the point where she has seen Sonny off to work and then calls Ron back to make plans. I know that Sonny has plans to kill tonight. Some part of me is thinking that Ron is in on it though. Not sure why. I just have the feeling that he's helping Sonny out.
Okay, I was way off. No scheme to off the wife. But I was holding my breath the whole time. This is great, as I've come to expect from you. ;) Now. Enough talk. I have to see what's going on with part two!
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Well, Mel, you're on the right track. By all means, keep reading. Don't let little ol' me interrupt you, ha ha!
Thanks so much, my friend!
Comment from Em126
The tale had a good storyline. There was one sentence that could use restructuring: Soon, everything he had planned would soon come to fruition, and he smiled to himself as he tuned the stereo to his favorite classic-rock station. Making it two sentences would help the flow: Soon, everything he had planned would come to fruition. He smiled to himself as he tuned the stereo to his favorite classic-rock station.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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The tale had a good storyline. There was one sentence that could use restructuring: Soon, everything he had planned would soon come to fruition, and he smiled to himself as he tuned the stereo to his favorite classic-rock station. Making it two sentences would help the flow: Soon, everything he had planned would come to fruition. He smiled to himself as he tuned the stereo to his favorite classic-rock station.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks for reading and pointing out your suggestions Em, I really appreciate it. I'll take another look at the sentence right away. Thanks again!
Comment from J. Dark
Hi Dean. Sorry for the slow review, but I have been away for a few days.
Your opening paragraph was excellent at setting the scene quickly. I laughed at the "minute man" reference and your dialogue was very well conveyed.
I was confused for one moment when it skipped from the first scene with Sonny to Marlise on the phone again, and would like to have seen another separating break there. (A nit-picking point, really).
The phone conversation and following narrative was excellent at demonstrating the anxiety Marlise was feeling over the affair. You have the reader totally drawn in by this point.
I loved the descriptions of the sky in cascading hue of pink and scarlet and crystal azure eyes.
By the time Sonny made it to the park the tension was building nicely and I was glad for the explanation as to Sonny's familiarity with a rifle as it ensured the story was believable.
I enjoyed the barn simile of Ron's head and the following dialogue.
A great way to end, leaving the reader to their own conclusions as to whether he was successful or not.
Very well written, brilliantly conveyed and yes, I definitely had fun reading it. I loved the tension it built. It also made me incredibly glad that I am completely loyal and faithful, LOL.
Kindest of regards,
Julie :-)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Hi Dean. Sorry for the slow review, but I have been away for a few days.
Your opening paragraph was excellent at setting the scene quickly. I laughed at the "minute man" reference and your dialogue was very well conveyed.
I was confused for one moment when it skipped from the first scene with Sonny to Marlise on the phone again, and would like to have seen another separating break there. (A nit-picking point, really).
The phone conversation and following narrative was excellent at demonstrating the anxiety Marlise was feeling over the affair. You have the reader totally drawn in by this point.
I loved the descriptions of the sky in cascading hue of pink and scarlet and crystal azure eyes.
By the time Sonny made it to the park the tension was building nicely and I was glad for the explanation as to Sonny's familiarity with a rifle as it ensured the story was believable.
I enjoyed the barn simile of Ron's head and the following dialogue.
A great way to end, leaving the reader to their own conclusions as to whether he was successful or not.
Very well written, brilliantly conveyed and yes, I definitely had fun reading it. I loved the tension it built. It also made me incredibly glad that I am completely loyal and faithful, LOL.
Kindest of regards,
Julie :-)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much Julie for the fantastic review as well as investing your time in the reading of the story. Oh, and I am glad that you are faithful too, lol.
Thanks again.
Comment from josieg521
Wow, very well written and set up. Exciting and mysterious and intriguing. I liked the way you switched back and forth between the couples so the reader could see exactly what was going on. Excellent job.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Wow, very well written and set up. Exciting and mysterious and intriguing. I liked the way you switched back and forth between the couples so the reader could see exactly what was going on. Excellent job.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much! I do appreciate that.
Comment from JM daSilva
I love this story, the details, the scene. Everything is very clear. it's like watching a movie. Great job.
I have some editing suggestions for you. Take what you like, okay? Even though you had a few mechanical problems, this story deserves a straight five.
Marlise buttoned up her blouse and craned her neck slightly to gaze sternly at the bathroom door [remove as she did so].
paper mill where they [remove both] worked; so many might not have found it odd to see them out [remove and about] together.
However, should someone they knew or a co-worker[remove just] happen[remove ed] to spot them departing from behind one of the neon green doors of the Marshall Motel [remove together], well...that would certainly be something to talk about.
"Marlee, can't we go to my place once in a while?"Ron whined as he dabbed at his head on a bath towel and sat down upon the rumpled bed next to her."Your husband never gets home from work until six o'clock, so we'd be back here in plenty of time."
Marlise had no doubts about that. When someone coined the term "Minute Man" concerning one's sexual escapades in the bedroom, they must surely have had Ron in mind. However, he was tender and kind [remove ,] and [remove he] was [remove so,] so handsome.
Marlise wasn't so sure. She knew first- hand [firsthand] how mean and conniving her
Smiling, Marlise asked him playfully,[space]"Don't you ever get tired of having to park so far
"You're well worth it[,] babe," Ron replied, returning her smile with a wink. " Besides," he
today. The Big Brass at the publishers' house[publishing house sounds better] where he
After he'd called in sick, he got ready [remove as per his usual routine][as usual] while his breafast [breakfast]downstairs
pin-striped[pinstriped] suit,
eight-thirty[.], I told you so yesterday. If I try to beg out---make some lame excuse--
"Please[,] babe," Ron pleaded, "I have to see you tonight. There's something I need to tell
cheerfully whistling the theme song from the Andy Giffith[Griffith] series.
there at seven o'clock. You had better not be late!" she added, and disconnected [remove the cal]l before she got a reply.
" Is everything okay[,] honey?"
"Lise, you aren't coming down with something[,] are you?
dinner tonight. Those reservations were hard to get[,] ya' know.
"I'll be alright Sonny. I will be just fine."
Sonny had no sooner walked out the front door when [than] she was back on her cell dialing
a mail box [mailbox ]
"I don't always have time to run outside after the mail[,] Sonny.
You work in Memphis,[.] you can just pick it up before you come home", she'd reasoned.
He fumbled the lemon[-] colored parcel pick-up notice
The patronage was [remove fairly] light today, and he was glad for that.
would come to pass [happen, avoid clich©s],
pin-pricks [pinpricks ]of light
"We don't have a lot of time[, Ron,
"I'm happy to see you too[,] beautiful,"
"What is it[,] Ronnie,"
"No[,] Ronnie, please," she pleaded,
"Please[,] don't do this to me!
more battle[-] hardened than you.
What happens to us then[,] Ronnie?"
those crystal[-] azure eyes
out for him in no uncertain terms [clearly, to avoid clich©s].
"Oh[,] Ronnie,"
We've enjoyed each other[']s company.
and extremely good[-] looking.
Ron gently cupped Marlises' face with [remove his hands] as he leaned closer to her. In a soft hushed tone, he finally gave in. "Maybe you're right[,] Marlee,"
his wrist watch[wristwatch],
Oh my God[,] Ronnie, [.]I have to go.
"One last kiss[,] Marlee, for old time's sake?
I deserve that much at least[,] don't you think?"
off the dinner date with her husband; remain[and remaining] there with Ron for a while. The
his pocket knife[pocketknife]
the owner[']s manual
One [once] you learned how[,] you never forgot.
in five pieces [remove basically], with the firing suppressor being most important for his
would be over [remove rather quickly] [fast].
Sure, the cost to do the job and do it right was excessive[,] to say the least.
couple of clicks left; a bit of fine[-] tuning right, and Ron's head came to life and into view.
The poor fool, he looks so agitated; Sonny thought [remove ,] as he observed Ron's head bob up and down; from his wrist watch [wristwatch to his rear view [rearview];
?
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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I love this story, the details, the scene. Everything is very clear. it's like watching a movie. Great job.
I have some editing suggestions for you. Take what you like, okay? Even though you had a few mechanical problems, this story deserves a straight five.
Marlise buttoned up her blouse and craned her neck slightly to gaze sternly at the bathroom door [remove as she did so].
paper mill where they [remove both] worked; so many might not have found it odd to see them out [remove and about] together.
However, should someone they knew or a co-worker[remove just] happen[remove ed] to spot them departing from behind one of the neon green doors of the Marshall Motel [remove together], well...that would certainly be something to talk about.
"Marlee, can't we go to my place once in a while?"Ron whined as he dabbed at his head on a bath towel and sat down upon the rumpled bed next to her."Your husband never gets home from work until six o'clock, so we'd be back here in plenty of time."
Marlise had no doubts about that. When someone coined the term "Minute Man" concerning one's sexual escapades in the bedroom, they must surely have had Ron in mind. However, he was tender and kind [remove ,] and [remove he] was [remove so,] so handsome.
Marlise wasn't so sure. She knew first- hand [firsthand] how mean and conniving her
Smiling, Marlise asked him playfully,[space]"Don't you ever get tired of having to park so far
"You're well worth it[,] babe," Ron replied, returning her smile with a wink. " Besides," he
today. The Big Brass at the publishers' house[publishing house sounds better] where he
After he'd called in sick, he got ready [remove as per his usual routine][as usual] while his breafast [breakfast]downstairs
pin-striped[pinstriped] suit,
eight-thirty[.], I told you so yesterday. If I try to beg out---make some lame excuse--
"Please[,] babe," Ron pleaded, "I have to see you tonight. There's something I need to tell
cheerfully whistling the theme song from the Andy Giffith[Griffith] series.
there at seven o'clock. You had better not be late!" she added, and disconnected [remove the cal]l before she got a reply.
" Is everything okay[,] honey?"
"Lise, you aren't coming down with something[,] are you?
dinner tonight. Those reservations were hard to get[,] ya' know.
"I'll be alright Sonny. I will be just fine."
Sonny had no sooner walked out the front door when [than] she was back on her cell dialing
a mail box [mailbox ]
"I don't always have time to run outside after the mail[,] Sonny.
You work in Memphis,[.] you can just pick it up before you come home", she'd reasoned.
He fumbled the lemon[-] colored parcel pick-up notice
The patronage was [remove fairly] light today, and he was glad for that.
would come to pass [happen, avoid clich©s],
pin-pricks [pinpricks ]of light
"We don't have a lot of time[, Ron,
"I'm happy to see you too[,] beautiful,"
"What is it[,] Ronnie,"
"No[,] Ronnie, please," she pleaded,
"Please[,] don't do this to me!
more battle[-] hardened than you.
What happens to us then[,] Ronnie?"
those crystal[-] azure eyes
out for him in no uncertain terms [clearly, to avoid clich©s].
"Oh[,] Ronnie,"
We've enjoyed each other[']s company.
and extremely good[-] looking.
Ron gently cupped Marlises' face with [remove his hands] as he leaned closer to her. In a soft hushed tone, he finally gave in. "Maybe you're right[,] Marlee,"
his wrist watch[wristwatch],
Oh my God[,] Ronnie, [.]I have to go.
"One last kiss[,] Marlee, for old time's sake?
I deserve that much at least[,] don't you think?"
off the dinner date with her husband; remain[and remaining] there with Ron for a while. The
his pocket knife[pocketknife]
the owner[']s manual
One [once] you learned how[,] you never forgot.
in five pieces [remove basically], with the firing suppressor being most important for his
would be over [remove rather quickly] [fast].
Sure, the cost to do the job and do it right was excessive[,] to say the least.
couple of clicks left; a bit of fine[-] tuning right, and Ron's head came to life and into view.
The poor fool, he looks so agitated; Sonny thought [remove ,] as he observed Ron's head bob up and down; from his wrist watch [wristwatch to his rear view [rearview];
?
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thank you so much once again JM for pointing these out to me. I did a bit of restructuring on a couple of the suggested edits, but incorporated all of the others. As always, I appreciate having someone as adept with the laws of grammar and punctuation looking over my shoulder. It really helps to engrain these rules in my (thick) head and can only improve the mechanical aspects of my writing. Thanks again!
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Yeah. You shouldn't change your style, just the mechanics. It's a very good style. Do you know what Stephen King said about editing?
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No, well, he's said a lot of things, but what are you referring to in particular?
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He wrote: â??to write is human, to edit is divine.â??
http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/299449-to-write-is-human-to-edit-is-divine
Why did he say that? Everybody has to learn mechanics, and he needed help like everybody else.
Comment from Soledadpaz
Hi, Dean
Some thoughts and suggestions.
//comment// [delete] (add)
Marlise buttoned up her blouse and craned her neck slightly to gaze sternly at the bathroom door as she did so. // Suggest cut: as she did so //
This had been the fourth time [over] (in) the past six months . . .
. . . or a co-worker just (happen) to spot them . . .
Marlise, Arleen, Marlee, Names are too close in sound, confusing
Why is Ron's speech in italics?
He flirted and showered her . . . 'He flirted' is kind of out there by itself. Who did he flirt with?
Marlise stood and opened the bedroom door motioning for him to leave. // Don't know why speech is in italics and don't know where they are. Thought they were at the hotel, but apparently not? //
he turned and exited the room. // I take it they both exited the room as she is conversing with him downstairs? //
grape vine // one word: grapevine //
preparing his breafast downstairs // breakfast //
purchased just the day // suggest cut: just //
Ronny, please listen to me." Marlise hissed the words more than she spoke them; cupping her hand over the receiver of her Blackberry as she spoke. // Abrupt transition here. Even though she's hissing, she's still speaking. Punctuation should be a comma, not a semicolon. Don't understand "receiver of her Blackberry"? Is it not one unit? //
"Hell, who knows?" she sighed, "Maybe I am." // Is this speech or thought? //
She'd known friends in her past who'd been involved in affairs // Suggest cut: on their husbands,// and generally[;] (,) she avoided them afterward. [She] (She'd) never wanted to fall into that trap.
She was abruptly snapped out of her reverie as she heard // when she heard //
with her hand as she sat // set //
dialing Ron's number to let him in on the good news. // Not clear what has changed to make this good news. Repetition as to the time of the reservations. //
It always put him in a sullen mood and today; he // Punctuation: sullen mood, and today he . . .//
'Don't Look Back' // song titles in roman and inside quotation marks //
Ron parked behind a tactically placed row of spruce pines and a hedgerow thicket upon the peak furthest from the park's entrance. // I read this entire paragraph thinking it was still about Sonny. Didn't realize we had transitioned to Ron. One more thing: saying "tactically placed" makes it seem like Ron planted those trees and shrubs himself for this very purpose. //
"I'm happy to see you too beautiful, // too, Beautiful. . .(comma) I assume he's addressing her as Beautiful, not calling her too beautiful //
"What is it Ronnie," // it, Ronnie (comma) //
battle hardened // hyphenate //
What happens to us then Ronnie?" // then, Ronnie (comma) //
One you learned how you never forgot. // believe you mean (once) //
The poor fool, he looks so agitated; Sonny thought, as he observed Ron's head bob up and down; from his wrist watch to his rear view; and back to his watch again. // Punctuation. Semicolon used between two independent clauses. Perhaps: The poor fool looks so agitated, Sonny thought, as he observed Ron's head bob up and down from his wrist watch to his rear view (mirror?) and back to his watch again. //
The story is good overall, but you might want to dig deeper into your characters. Make the reader identify with their wants and needs.
Sol
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Hi, Dean
Some thoughts and suggestions.
//comment// [delete] (add)
Marlise buttoned up her blouse and craned her neck slightly to gaze sternly at the bathroom door as she did so. // Suggest cut: as she did so //
This had been the fourth time [over] (in) the past six months . . .
. . . or a co-worker just (happen) to spot them . . .
Marlise, Arleen, Marlee, Names are too close in sound, confusing
Why is Ron's speech in italics?
He flirted and showered her . . . 'He flirted' is kind of out there by itself. Who did he flirt with?
Marlise stood and opened the bedroom door motioning for him to leave. // Don't know why speech is in italics and don't know where they are. Thought they were at the hotel, but apparently not? //
he turned and exited the room. // I take it they both exited the room as she is conversing with him downstairs? //
grape vine // one word: grapevine //
preparing his breafast downstairs // breakfast //
purchased just the day // suggest cut: just //
Ronny, please listen to me." Marlise hissed the words more than she spoke them; cupping her hand over the receiver of her Blackberry as she spoke. // Abrupt transition here. Even though she's hissing, she's still speaking. Punctuation should be a comma, not a semicolon. Don't understand "receiver of her Blackberry"? Is it not one unit? //
"Hell, who knows?" she sighed, "Maybe I am." // Is this speech or thought? //
She'd known friends in her past who'd been involved in affairs // Suggest cut: on their husbands,// and generally[;] (,) she avoided them afterward. [She] (She'd) never wanted to fall into that trap.
She was abruptly snapped out of her reverie as she heard // when she heard //
with her hand as she sat // set //
dialing Ron's number to let him in on the good news. // Not clear what has changed to make this good news. Repetition as to the time of the reservations. //
It always put him in a sullen mood and today; he // Punctuation: sullen mood, and today he . . .//
'Don't Look Back' // song titles in roman and inside quotation marks //
Ron parked behind a tactically placed row of spruce pines and a hedgerow thicket upon the peak furthest from the park's entrance. // I read this entire paragraph thinking it was still about Sonny. Didn't realize we had transitioned to Ron. One more thing: saying "tactically placed" makes it seem like Ron planted those trees and shrubs himself for this very purpose. //
"I'm happy to see you too beautiful, // too, Beautiful. . .(comma) I assume he's addressing her as Beautiful, not calling her too beautiful //
"What is it Ronnie," // it, Ronnie (comma) //
battle hardened // hyphenate //
What happens to us then Ronnie?" // then, Ronnie (comma) //
One you learned how you never forgot. // believe you mean (once) //
The poor fool, he looks so agitated; Sonny thought, as he observed Ron's head bob up and down; from his wrist watch to his rear view; and back to his watch again. // Punctuation. Semicolon used between two independent clauses. Perhaps: The poor fool looks so agitated, Sonny thought, as he observed Ron's head bob up and down from his wrist watch to his rear view (mirror?) and back to his watch again. //
The story is good overall, but you might want to dig deeper into your characters. Make the reader identify with their wants and needs.
Sol
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much for the suggested edits and the in-depth review Soledadpaz. I did incorporate many of your suggestions, shoring up some of the more confusing areas of the story. I also corrected the SpAG. I thought I had gotten it all. That's what I get for "thinking", right? I am so glad there are reviewers out there who will take the time to do this. I do, it's just my nature, but it the favor is rarely returned. Like I always say, even Stephen King has an editor.
'Thanks so much again!
Comment from God's Writer
A very well written story about sensual desires of an unkept woman. I found that your story should have been divided. It was a grand story, but twice too long.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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A very well written story about sensual desires of an unkept woman. I found that your story should have been divided. It was a grand story, but twice too long.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks HP, I appreciate the read and kind review.
As far as breaking it down, did you mean smaller that it's current two parts? Like, four parts maybe? I was just curious...
Thanks again!
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Yes That is what I mean. I also know several people on this site that have worse vision problem that are stopped from reading stories because they can't read them. We as Fanstorians can read our works so those that are blind or have bad eye sight can enjoy them too. You just go in under the advanced instructions and read it out loud. I think you would get more readers after the word got out. Just a suggestion. They would also appreciate it if you would do so with poetry. I know it would help my eyes.
Shalom,
Rabbi Erick
Comment from EmberSnowcat
Your writing style always intrigues me. Your so articulate with words and you are amazing at setting the scene for the reader to really feel and grasp the concept of what's going on. Truly a great piece of work. Getting ready to read part two. Very excited to see where this goes!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Your writing style always intrigues me. Your so articulate with words and you are amazing at setting the scene for the reader to really feel and grasp the concept of what's going on. Truly a great piece of work. Getting ready to read part two. Very excited to see where this goes!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks ES. I hope the story and it's conclusion leave you satisfied. I always appreciate your witty and engaging commentary!
Comment from BeasPeas
An interesting story which kept me guessing. My thought was there would be a twist--where Sonny had planned a surprise birthday party for Marlise and the couple got caught with their 'pants' down OR that Sonny himself was carrying on an affair since he was so aloof OR the ending you chose. They say the mark of a good tale is if the reader doesn't figure out the plot beforehand. So this is Part I. I'm assuming there is more to follow since it appears that Sonny's aim was off as the bullets whizzed by the lovers' heads.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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An interesting story which kept me guessing. My thought was there would be a twist--where Sonny had planned a surprise birthday party for Marlise and the couple got caught with their 'pants' down OR that Sonny himself was carrying on an affair since he was so aloof OR the ending you chose. They say the mark of a good tale is if the reader doesn't figure out the plot beforehand. So this is Part I. I'm assuming there is more to follow since it appears that Sonny's aim was off as the bullets whizzed by the lovers' heads.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks BP. The challenge/prompt for this particular story was to write a thriller in which no body dies. That wasn't easy, especially for me, lol! Alas, as to your question, I'm afraid there are only two parts. I hadn't considered making it longer. The whole gist of the joke was the play on the words "Sorry I Missed You.
Thaanks for reading. I'm glad you likedit!
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I just loved the story and would enjoy reading more if you decide to get into it--you've got the start of a good one here. I did get the pun 'sorry I missed you.' The whole thing was a delight.
Comment from chasennov
'Sorry I Missed You: Part 1.' 'Sonny held his breath and fired!' I had fun reading it! A good story about a wife's infidelity. Well done.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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'Sorry I Missed You: Part 1.' 'Sonny held his breath and fired!' I had fun reading it! A good story about a wife's infidelity. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks chasennov. I appreciate your read and review.
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Mt Pleasure.
